The Terran species has recently joined the Cooperative, and they have brought with them a certain... vitality. Many of us elder races, though, have a difficult time with their religious tendencies.

Primitive sophonts do of course sometimes resort to deities to fill gaps in their world view, but everyone eventually comes to face the inherent bleakness of the universe with proper stoicism by the time they have starships. Everyone but the Terrans.

Look, this was my month:

----------------------------------------

Day 1

"Terrans, huh?" As we took on cargo, I was browsing the new-passengers list. "Haven't seen those before."

"Yes, seven of them", my second-in-command Arek noted. "Apparently, they’re an extremely eccentric species, but ultimately harmless."

"'Eccentric'?"

"It seems they're... religious", he said with some distaste. "Not fanatically so, but they'll do odd things from time to time because their gods demand it."

"Hm."

"The real problem, though, is that they're so new that the translation software is only partially there." He shrugged, and added: "We do get a bonus for helping bug-test it."

Now, as you know, cultural translation is hard. Martial communication is the easiest to establish - laser beams and bombs deliver unambiguous, straight-to-the-point messages, from "die!” to "keep out from our territory!” to, at its most complex: "We dislike it when you do that". Trade comes next, "We will trade resource X for resource Y at ratio Z", and then science, with "reality follows these particular equations". At this point, life support can be arranged, basic diplomacy is feasible, and the galaxy is opened to travellers. But translating cultural values is hard and can take a hundred years to get right.

I steeled myself for a lot of autotranslator malfunctions in the future as I looked up the Terran “dos and don'ts”. Every species has peculiarities that it pays to be aware of. If you ask a X'b!k Hive Warrior about their mother's health, they'll see it as a formal challenge to battle, an Azoli is likely to have a panic attack if you mention the weather, and as for Terrans...

"Huh. 'Don't argue with Terrans on politics, religion, or [stochastic processes utilizing spheres or sphere-derived objects].' What's that last thing about?"

"Apparently, random outcomes of some sort are important to their culture." Arek shrugged. "It seems to be connected to physical and mental exercise."

‘Exercise’ is a foreign concept to my species, but I have training in xenosociology and can accommodate it. I do pity those whose bodies and minds senselessly degenerate if not used, but I cannot deny the increased adaptability that those sapients display.

Terrans requiring mental exercise suggested, however, that another alien concept would intrude upon my time: "boredom". Part of a ship captain’s duty is the well-being of passengers, and that meant occasionally interacting with species who required social stimuli.

I double-checked the Terran files. Yup, they were one of those.

Oh well. As interaction was inevitable, I resolved to at least get some cultural understanding out of it.

Day 2

"Greetings, Terran . I am Cyphan Captain ." I took the opportunity to introduce myself. We were in a passenger cargo hold with the fittings to connect to a variety of devices. In its day, it had served as a duel ground, a gorging facility, a hibernation chamber, an exercise room, a mating pit and a funerary factory-forge. Now it was apparently a ’Wreck room'.

"Greetings, Captain", said the tall Terran I had addressed. "Please call me . Also, our species name is 'human', 'Terran' just designates our culture - we're in the process of adding more sentient species, you see."

"Very well, Human .” I noted his preferred species designator in my implant. “Are you satisfied with ship conditions, so far?"

I had reinstalled a few devices and furnishings from dock storage, using a simple optimization algorithm weighted by species aesthetic values. Two of the exercise machines satisfied Terran standards, a third conformed to Podli standards. The sound system came from the hibernation chamber, the lights from the mating pit, some of the decorations came from the duel-ground configuration, and others were gifts made in the factory-forge. A good captain makes use of available resources, and my implant told me the combination was serviceable.

"Yeah, it's [large-sized/good], the lights really set the mood."

Ah, there the translation glitches were. I couldn't tell from context which meaning to correct it to, so I let it slide.

I then addressed the next-tallest one: "And greetings to you, Human . "

"Hello, Captain Trellok. I think we can skip the species designators - just call me . I'm the senior-most member of our little crew, so if you're in need of advice regarding human culture, just ask me."

Huh, I had thought size would indicate seniority, but a quick check with my implant showed that this was rarely the case; unlike most species, Terrans did not keep growing all their life, and there seemed to be no way to tell a human in their 30s from one in their 150s.

Saying my goodbyes, I resolved to study up more on Terrans once we were underway.

Day 3

We are all shaped by evolution (except for the Azoli who, to their detriment, were designed by committee), and knowing the twists and turns of that particular evolutionary process can give you a deeper understanding of a species.

We Cyphans, for example, were herd-based herbivores in semi-arid environments. Upon mastering the technologies of agriculture, bureaucracy and predicate logic, we promptly spread over the world, eliminating the towering, invincible horrorbeasts that dominated our world - by the simple expedient of thorough observation and documentation, followed by calm, targeted extinction campaigns aimed at taking out their favored prey animals, thus starving them to death - then moving in to take on their duties in the ecosystem in order to minimize consequences. As an example, there is still a small worker caste on our home planet dedicated to chewing indigestible meat, then letting climbing rodents clean their teeth, as they did for the horrorbeasts.

Between the lines of this account, one can read of our methodical ways, of our ability to keep track of a thousand names and faces, of our capacity for violence when circumstances dictate it, and of a certain ruthlessness.

Meanwhile, according to their own documentation, after evolving from tree-dwellers, Terrans spent thousands of years as omnivorous, persistence-hunter pack-predators with a knack for ranged weapons, possessing a high-enough adaptability that they had settled 6 of 7 continents even before recorded history, spreading rapidly along coastlines and waterways. After reaching a natural equilibrium, they came up with invention after invention to expand their population maximum. Before inventing industry, they had already rendered a respectable two-figure-number of competing species extinct - followed in the following centuries by a blundering six-figure-number, as they oh-so-slowly learned about proper ecosystem maintenance.

And throughout all of that history, Terrans have been at war with themselves - right up until first contact - using increasingly creative war machinery.

The conclusions were obvious: Terrans should be creative inventors, eat nearly everything, and they should be territorial high-stamina warriors, naturally hostile - or, at best, apathetic - to everything but their own small flock.

“You Terrans seem less agressive than your evolutionary history would indicate”, I started the conversation. ”Are you currently on medication?”

Chemical supplements are not unusual in the galaxy. We Cyphans have medicines to induce our ancient herd-protecting aggression patterns in times of danger, while on the other hand, the X'b!k feed their Hive Warriors aggression-dampeners to make them acceptable merchants, having yet to breed a Caste for that purpose. If Terrans had similar dependencies, it would pay to keep track of that supply, to anticipate trouble.

“I’m not sure what you mean, Captain.”

“Your history - and your dictionary - suggests that if you put Terrans in a too-cramped environment, they will first eliminate competing foreign species, then foreign Terrans, and finally kill each-other off until each Terran has enough space”, I explained. “The dictionary terms I found were , and . As this spaceship qualifies as a cramped environment, I feel some concern.”

“Well…”, said Thera, the ranking member. “I guess you have a [sharp corner], but…”

“No worries”, Human piped up, “We’ve got all the [Stochastic Processes] we need to keep us occupied.”

There was that term, again. “[Stochastic Processes]? Please explain.”

“You don’t have [Stochastic Processes]? They’re, um, [pleasurable] activities bound by sets of formal rules.”

A religious ritual of some sort, then, meant to soothe instincts. Looking it up with my implant, the statement that religion was an aggression-dampener for Terrans was indeed widely-quoted in Terran society.

“I should like to see some of these activities - unless they’re private affairs, that is”, I noted.

“I’ll make sure to invite you when an interesting [Stochastic Process] is about to start”, the human female assured me.

Day 4

We docked at Podli Prime, taking on a few passengers. I took the opportunity, while in port, to look up Podli impressions of Terrans. Highlights in my net search included:

Xenophonts > Terrans > Do's and Don'ts Do NOT participate in the [Stochastic Process] “Rotate the Drink Container”.

Also avoid “Twister”, and anything starting with the word , such as , or .

Combat > Mixed-species Martial Arts > Terrans Don’t pick a fight with a Terran. I saw one take down a Yeet using only a fire extinguisher, a roll of “[Terran waterfowl #4] tape” and a pneumatic drill.

Medicine > Psychology > Addiction I sat through too many [Stochastic Processes] and now I crave them. Therapy was ineffective, and I may need to move to Terra to ensure a steady supply...

Xenophonts > Terrans > Rumours My friend swears he saw a Hive Warrior chop the head off a Terran, and two weeks later, the same Terran returned to beat them half to death.

I personally am dubious, but there is an entire Terran media genre dedicated to dead Terrans coming back for revenge.

Data suggests you may need to impale the Terran’s heart to truly kill them. Updates will follow.

Overall, not a great impression.

Day 5

"I have had reports that you have been proselytizing your belief system."

I was addressing Thera, the senior Terran onboard. I tried to school my features to convey the correct amount of disapproval, which was hard since my mouth was naturally set in what humans classified as a severe frown.

"Oh no", the human responded, "I just offered them to be part of our [Reincarnation] system. See, once you [Experimental Physics Term #131] a [Soul], then once they die, they'll pop back to the [Reincarnation Item], all ready to [Reincarnate]."

"And you've been trying to recruit passengers for rituals meant to please your gods."

"Hm? Oh, you mean telling them how to get Achievements. Well, I'm the [Stochastic Process] Master and Administrator for our group, so I get personal [Religious Concept] points when we reach an Achievement."

I tried to get a feel for what an ”Achievement” would be. "An 'Achievement', then, is an act that pleases your gods?"

"No, an Achievement pleases the people, usually by emulating or referencing [fictional media] or [fictional media]."

"So you worship by emulating the deeds of your religious figures?"

She frowned slightly. "I don't think the translation protocol is properly configured. It's not a religious ritual, but-"

Something beeped from her bag. She looked inside.

"[Glucose-containing]!", she exclaimed. "There's a [Fictional Terran Beast #pm1] den in your office!"

I performed a quick check of life signs, before catching on to the word 'fictional'.

Oh, I thought. Another of their quaint superstitions.

She brought out a device and manipulated it briefly. "Hah! Into the [sphere] you go!"

Wait. Sphere? "Is this 'beast' related to [Stochastic Processes]?"

She holstered her handbrain. "Very astute, Captain. You may be [measuring the suspension of] Terran Culture after all."

I kept up a dignified appearance as she left.

It's true that the translation was lacking. Bringing up the database, I added "[Stochastic Process] Master" as "Shaman" in the dictionary, and after browsing Terran religious customs, added "[Experimental Physics Term #131]" as "babtize", which made a lot more sense than "Quantum entangle".

Day 6

To date, four Terrans have visited my office on some transparent excuse, in order to placate the spirit they've named . Savages.

Day 7

”The Terrans are consuming ethyl alcohol!”, Arek exclaimed, from the panopticon controls.

”Ethyl alcohol, huh?”, I mused. CH3CH2OH is a simple molecule to make, and useful in cheap-fab cleaning solutions. This was the first time I'd heard about people drinking it, though.

"You need to be more concerned, Captain."

"The Yeet drink rocket fuel. Cleaning solution is mild in comparison."

"But I checked the database! It's poisonous to Terrans! And they're still drinking it!"

This warranted investigation.

---

"I heard there was a suicide in progress. Is this one of those religious things?"

”It CAN be a religious thing”, Human Steve said brightly, ”if you’re [Terran religion #30-#33097]. But those rituals typically don’t involve [ammunition] glasses.“

”Good morning Captain”, the Shaman said. ”There must be a misunderstanding.”

”You’re drinking nerve poison.”

”Eh, technically yes, but it’s a very mild one. At this dose, we will recover to full health within a day.”

”Hm. But why drink it in the first place?”

”It causes mild euphoria, loosens inhibitions, and doesn’t taste all that bad with the right additives. Oh, and it’s cheap to make.”

I considered. “Ah, is it an anti-violence medication?”

“Not… so much. Other way around, really. But it does increase morale.”

I left, shaking my head. I could only hope no-one of the Terrans would die. The paperwork would be horrendous.

Day 8

”But they’re eating nerve poison!”

”We’ve been over this before, Arek.”

”But I looked it up! Capsaicin has been evolved specifically by this fruit to cause debilitating pain in Terran mammals such as humans!”

”Just… ignore it.”

Day 9

I tried the [stochastic process] of . With its simple rules, and lack of randomness, I quickly gathered “victories”, as expected by anyone that could access the ship’s mainframe from their implant and use that to calculate the most favorable move.

Day 10

The Terrans introduced me to the vaguely related [stochastic process] of , and now the mainframe has crashed.

Day 11

The mainframe still refused to run. The Shaman had an expression between commiseration and smugness as she showed up to help.

“It’s possible to use a strategic tool with ”, she informed me, “but it requires [brain emulation] software to be feasible.”

“Brain emulation is forbidden by galactic law”, I said, frowning.

“It’s not [brain emulation], it’s [brain emulation]”, was the reply. Seeing my confusion, she added: “They don’t think, they merely react to input.”

That had rather been my impression of some of the Terrans, though I diplomatically didn’t say so.

“Anyway, if you need to replace your mainframe, I can lend you my [handbrain]”, said.

I scoffed. “The mainframe needs to run 10^7 operations per second, to perform the navigation calculations. That’s not even mentioning the special software.”

She smiled. “My [handbrain] runs [ 10^15 operations per second], has a [1.28*10^5 qubit] [NP-equals-P] card, and a [10^6 brain-emulation unit] card with 108 common-sense preloads.”

I eyed her device, which was fairly large and thick; having these stats would strain credulity, but not necessarily physics. I had simply assumed Terrans would smash anything flimsier.

“Why would you even need that kind of computing power?”, I finally said.

“Why else? To run [Stochastic Processes] on.”

Day 12

Some behaviours should not be interrupted. When stressed, a Hive Warrior sublimates their killing-urges by ritually sharpening their scythe-arms. The Azoli whistle discordantly in groups, to remind themselves about their numerical advantage and stave off panic. Cyphans have nothing of the sort, of course, though it's worth noting that violating the Rules of Order in a Cyphan meeting is punishable by summary execution.

If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

Terran [Stochastic Processes] may belong to this category, judging from the displayed annoyance when I interrupted their "Hide and Seek".

"Oh no", said Human , upon my inquiry. "That's nothing. If you overwrote my computer [Stochastic Processes] saves, now, I might just have to [Terran idiom for murder #251] you..."

Day 13

”A Card [stochastic process]?”

”Yeah”, Human said. It’s a bit too simple for the [Terran cattle #2, juvenile] these days, but it has its [magical trinket].”

”Huh.”

”Now, first you [randomize] the [collection of cards]…”

Huh. Finally, this was something that one could reasonably call a ”stochastic process”. I had been wondering what the connection was.

The cards comprised 4 sets of 13, with different values. As usual with Terrans, though, they figured out some way to make it illogical.

”But ’1’ is per definition LESS than ’2’. You cannot be unaware of this. You build starships.”

”It’s tradition”, the Shaman informed me. ”In some variants the cards work as looped sets, so that the [one] beats the [Leader], and the [two] beats the [one]. Then it’s arbitrary where you break the loop.”

”I thought it was since [Terran armed conflict #ad1789fr]”, Human Steve contributed. A way to remember when [farmers] threw down the [hereditary ruler class].”

The third Terran piped in: ”I read that they used to make the [one] of [Terran card category #1] contain a maker’s mark inside the symbol. That made it look large and impressive. Naturally, if a card looks impressive, people who design [stochastic processes] will want to make it the most important card. That’s basic Human nature.”

”Hm. The designer didn’t provide their reasoning in the specifications sheet, then?”

”[Relaxed disagreement], this is one of the oldest [stochastic processes], from like a thousand years ago. Probably nobody even knows who the maker is.”

”The only essential part of the [stochastic process] is really the ruleset”, Thera elaborated. ”That gets kept even if the rest is lost to history.”

This was actually helpful in explaining Terran psychology.

---

”[Mild expletive (indicating designation for eternal torture)], you are pretty good at this, Cap.”

”It’s just calculating odds.” Also, the surveillance cameras were slaved to my implant.

”Yeah, that’s half the [stochastic process]."

”It seems like all of the process to me, apart from the physical movement of cards.”

”No, the rest is the use of emotion reading, [deception], [deception] and [stochastic process] theory. And of course [deception], though that’s against the rules.”

I frowned. ”Where does deception come in?”

”Well, if you’ll recall, Steve [achieved military success in] the second-to-last round, even though he didn’t actually have any valid combination of cards.”

”Oh. I had assumed it was a mistake.”

”Nope. That was a deliberate [military plan] to [achieve military success] despite [low-quality/antagonistic] cards.”

”Interesting”, I admitted, noting the repeated use of military terms for this activity. “It still seems odd to me, though.”

“There’s a saying: ‘If it’s dumb and it works, then it’s not dumb.’”

...This REALLY helped explain Terran Psychology.

Day 14

Looking at the viewscreen, I sighed. Days like these are bound to happen eventually in a captain's life. Well, on the bright side they seldom happen twice. I touched my microphone.

"This is your captain speaking. We are being approached by pirates, and will soon die horribly. Those who wish ten minutes to reconcile themselves with their impending death or make changes in their will, proceed to the stern. Those ready to face the void, report to the armoury and join the defense force."

I decided to put a positive spin on things, and continued: "Remember, the more pirates we kill now, the better the odds for your relatives and associates on their future travels."

It was small comfort - the odds would rise by a tenth of a percent, at most, and if I didn't cause more economic cost than the pirates’ gain, the odds would instead decrease. I briefly lamented not springing for the self-destruct mechanism on the reactor, but on consideration, the cost/benefit analysis still ruled it out. Taking heart from the vindication of my decision process, I jogged to the armoury.

---

, the Terran Shaman, was there when I arrived. "What's with this [vulnerable posterior] equipment?", she asked. "We carry better stuff than this in our hand luggage."

"Bringing aboard personal weapons is against regulations", I pointed out while unlocking a rare kinetic rifle and reaching for the ammunition. ”Though by this point I suppose a fine would be redundant."

"Yeah, but nothing in the regs says anything about fabbing weapons on board during the journey", she countered, "so that's what we did. Most of it counts as [physical exercise] equipment, anyway."

"What kind of exercise would use weapons?", I asked bewildered. If there was an upside to talking to the Terran it was that I felt entirely like myself. The stress of preparing for death melted before the more familiar stress of coping with Terran antics.

"Most that don't use [spheres]."

As the pirates’ battle pods slammed into the hull, I injected the artificial battle hormones. The next few hours are a fragmented mess of impressions.

----------------------------------------

"[Oxygen-carrier] for [Terran Deity #4891]!", the Shaman called out.

"Braincases for the Braincase [high-status recliner]!", the rest of the Terrans chorused, drawing an array of improbable weaponry.

As weapon fire bloomed in many colours and thunder echoed in the hallway, as my finger clamped onto the trigger, an incongruous thought occupied my rational thought processes. ...Only Terrans could have over four thousand deities. How do they keep track of them all?

----------------------------------------

“EXPIRE, HERDKILLERS!”, I roared, peppering the pirates’ position with kinetic bolts.

”You are much more approachable like this, you know.”

I paused, sinking below cover again to let the rifle cool down. ”What, with my logical thoughts barely controlling an ocean of raging primal instincts?”

”Yeah”, Human Steve said, lobbing an EMP grenade over the barricade. ”Just like us!”

----------------------------------------

The Terran’s complicated gun lobbed small spinning cylinders through the air, long side forward. Outside the corridor, they detonated, letting loose slugs 90 degrees off in both directions.

”Corner bullets! Don’t leave your home planet without them!”

----------------------------------------

”I have your Captain! Surrender or he dies!”

I scoffed as I tried to adjust my head so the angle of the gun barrel would feel more comfortable in these my last moments. Risking myself had let us gain the advantage; there was an actual non-zero chance of victory, now. What kind of idiots would negotiate with pirates known to enslave and/or kill anyone who surrendered?

”[Excrement], they’ve got the Captain! Where’s the hostage negotiator?!”

Oh, right, for a moment, I had forgotten about the Terrans.

”Someone ordered a hostage negotiator?!”

The shaman showed up with a golden robot head, holding it up.

”Greetings! I am C3P-”

The thing exploded with a flash, blinding me.

Shrapnel hit me in the chest, and I sat down heavily.

After a while, it struck me that I was alive.

----------------------------------------

”Wait, so you’re saying a ’hostage negotiator’ is a weapon model?”

”Yeah, the combination of flechette design and the auto-aiming are set to do minimal damage on non-targets, passing through and detonating on the other side. It’s got corner bullets, too, of course, but sometimes going through is necessary. The Frell have their brain in their abdomen.”

”And it looks like a robot head…”

”To keep the [Atom category] of surprise, yes.”

I eyed the five holes on my body, through which thin explosive rounds had passed. Well. Let no-one say that Terrans have a history of unthinking violence.

I decided, after some thought, not to update the database entry for ”hostage negotiator”.

----------------------------------------

"That went unexpectedly well", I said, dressing my wounds.

"Eh. We lost . And a bunch of the Azoli when we had to breathe vacuum for a few seconds. I keep forgetting some species are really fragile."

"That's still less than ten percent losses on a pirate raid", I mused. It had never occurred to me that weapons capable of piercing your own ship's hull could, in some situations, be tactically advantageous. The pirates certainly hadn't expected that piece of lunacy.

"Yeah, with how much we practised, it's still a disappointment. Life is different from [stochastic processes], I guess.

"I didn't think you were a military troop, though."

"What? No, we're civilians, the bunch of us. Military life is kinda boring, and you don't get to pick your own weapon."

Day 15

I sat in on the funerary rites. Human had after all killed five pirates, and I felt obliged to respect his sacrifice.

"We are gathered here to remember , who is no longer with us on our journey. But this is not a mourning, but a celebration - he got 5988 points, 2000 of which were awarded due to being [killed] while sword-fighting an alien look-alike while dressed as [Terran Bird #45]. We got one [Terran fictional afterlife involving torture] of an Achievement for that."

The crew cheered. I reflected that a religion which awards points is at least properly organized.

"Now, will [Reincarnate] in [Terran city #5-298] next tuesday, so everyone who wants to send him a message, forward it to me. The route goes by [Terran planet #5] in a week, so he'll join us again.

Now, let's [perform stochastic Ritual] for his stuff."

I left, vaguely confused, as they once more broke out the nerve poison.

Day 16

"So, you think Human went to a better place?"

The shaman considered my statement. "Well, [Terran city #5-298] is too touristy for me, but at least the food is better."

"That must be a comfort to you. What do you use these 'points' for anyway?"

"Well, for example, now will be able to get those advanced swordsmanship lessons that he wanted. The [Terran Organization #950360789 ] is responsible for dispensing [chilly] weaponry, nonstandard equipment and [Experimental Biology term 1104], and they distribute them according to the [Karma] point model."

"Ah, so because of his actions in life, he'll be able to purchase a better reincarnation."

”Yeah, exactly.”

Day 17

"No, , you can NOT actually have their braincases made into a [high-status recliner]."

"But it would be so [glucose-containing]! This guy's head even looks like a [Terran extinct species #1]!"

"No, , they weren't babtized. It would be disrespectful to the dead."

"Oh, I guess. I forget not everybody has been babtized."

"Well, try to remember so you don't actually [Terran idiom for decapitation #76] someone for arguing about politics like you did back home."

"He was arguing against [Terran economical concept #167]! He needed killing!"

"I'm not saying you were wrong. Just that it's wrong here."

Backing slowly out from the room, I renewed my decision to never get 'babtized'.

Day 18

"I smell burning carbohydrates."

"We're making [Terran food #27ujw5]. It's in celebration of a [Terran Cultural concept #5] connection forming between Human and Podli . It’s becoming somewhat of a tradition."

Terran was pouring a liquid mixture of water, fats and starch onto a hot metal pan, one measure at a time, frying it in grease and forming floppy, flat, brownish discs, which he stacked on a plate. To some species, the resulting product might have been appetizing.

”Hey, Cap, I think we got every allergen and poison out of the [club-wielder], if you're interested", another Terran piped up. "You'd just have to skip sodium in your food intake for three days to compensate."

I graciously declined, but noticed the Podli munch it down bravely. Her countenance was embarrassed, yet pleased.

They must have converted her to their religion, I realized, entering the concept of as “mentor-student relationship” for now.

Day 19

“I heard something about a duel to the death taking place?”

“A Death-[combat] yes.”

“I must express my disapproval of killing paying passengers.”

[Lower your temperature], Captain, it’s a [stochastic process].”

---

”Hm. So, a computer [stochastic process]?”

”Yes, the computer creates an environment with entities one can control, and keeps track of their status. With this one can combat using proxies." Terran was showing off an impressively rendered world on his monitor, though the colours were off to my eyes.

Ingenious. They’d made a training exercise where you could simulate lethal danger under safe conditions, desensitizing yourself to it. This explained their performance in the pirate attack.

"More importantly, look at all these [head gear] you can wear!"

---

I left with the impression that Terran soldiers ran around in mismatched headgear and regularly detonated explosives beneath their feet in order to jump higher. It seemed worryingly plausible.

Day 20

”A tabletop [Category emulation] [stochastic process]?” How many kinds of stochastic processes did they have?

”Right. So I am a Yeet soldier grub…”

I eyed Terran . ”No, you aren’t.”

He moved his eyes in a pattern indicating mild exasperation. ”I’m [Category emulating] a Yeet soldier grub.”

”Sorry, what?”

”I’m… piloting a Yeet in a simulation exercise.”

”That seems improbable. Even in a Yeet braincase, there is not room enough for both a human and a control mechanism.”

”Obviously, you’d switch the brains”, another Terran interjected. ”Why would you use a whole human for something like that, it would be inefficient.”

”First of all, I’m approaching a simulation from a Yeet point of view, not as a human physically piloting a Yeet. Second of all, , we would too put a whole human in a Yeet skull, because the look on their faces when you open the head and step out would be [pleasant/intimidating]!”

I chose not to comment on this.

”Anyway, Captain, so the Yeet is mechanically represented by these stats, marking how it differs from a human. You see here the increased size, strength and the throwing modifier… ”

”Ah, so you can familiarize yourself with the capabilities of a Yeet soldier, the better to fight them in the future. That’s quite clever.”

He scratched his neck in a Terran signal of awkwardness. ”That is definitely a thing I could do, yes.”

”And what are you actually doing?” I need to invent a word myself, one for the sour expectation of Terran nonsense.

”I’m the Magical Warrior of [mating behaviour] and Justice, [Seafarer] [Yeet prime].”

And possibly a word for when those expectations are splendidly exceeded.

Day 21

”[Mating Display] [Mating Display] [Violent usurpation of power]”?

”It’s a rhythm [stochastic process] - it’s [pleasurable]!”

”I will observe”, I allowed.

It involved less mating and violence than the name suggested; the ritual seemed to be an agility assessment set to rhythmic-yet-varied sound.

After some consideration, I entered this combination of words as ”[Mating Display] [Mating Display] [Circular Movement]”, which I felt was more true to the behaviour showed. Terrans would after all have enough of a bad rep with their actual warrior behaviour without even their harmless activities sounding sinister.

Day 22

We drew up to Terran World 5.

“I don’t suppose the Terran port authorities will be nonsense-free?”, I asked Arrek.

“I’m scanning the local merchant logs, now.” He paused. “There are some oddities. We have the choice of ‘Galactic’ and ‘Terran-style’ cargo transfer, the latter being faster as well as cheaper.“

When in doubt, collect data. “We’re in no hurry. Let’s watch someone else make this choice first.”

---

Terran-style unloading was a sight to behold. Terran bots launched multiple crates at dangerous speeds, other bots catching them with centimeters to spare. I could see a lone Terran controlling the operation, as a frantic Azoli captain waved its frond-arms in agitation.

“Calm down, [male]”, the Terran said. “I’m a [High-rank] at [Terran Stochastic Process #ad1984tetr].” Two crates bounced off each-other with a bang. “[Excrement], there goes the bonus”, he muttered.

Arek shook his head wryly. “Azoli. They just can’t resist a bargain.”

---

In the end, I calculated that given our cargo, the reduced price was worth the occasional dinged crate and my increased stress levels, and gingerly chose that option.

Day 23

"Hey, Steve's back now. I got the impression you were doubtful."

I examined the newly embarked Terran. I called up some stored images to compare. My doubts did not abate.

"The Terran I recall was black-haired, and tall", I stated. "And also male. And there are numerous other discrepancies between him and this individual."

"Yeah, thought they'd try something new. They call themselves now, by the way.”

“Hi, Captain ”, fake- said.

The question now was whether the shaman was actually trying to fool me with this silly story, or if she herself had been fooled by this silly story. Neither option reflected well on her intelligence. No, I decided, this poor primitive had been fooled by some nefarious imposter preying on her superstitions.

”How can you know this person is who they say they are?”, I tried.

”Oh, they’ve got the same identity codes, and their government [omni-accessible documentation] and updated ID card [leaves a hotel]. No worries.”

It was worse than what I thought - clearly, their repressive government duped its adherents on a massive scale, perpetuating the primitive mythology in order to prop up a church that reinforced its legitimacy.

I made my excuses and left.

Day 24

"So, Podli , you've been associating with the Terrans a lot."

"Oh yes. I became interested when one of them saved my life during the pirate attack, so I joined in some of those ‘Stochastic Processes’ of theirs. They were very… stimulating. And then” - her skin bubbled in slight embarrassment - "I really got to know them during an instance of, er, ‘Rotate the Drink Container’ ".

"Mmh. So, what’s your take on the Human situation?", I prodded.

"Um. They do seem to have the same personality.“

“Oh, come now. You can’t actually believe that drivel.”

She exuded awkwardness. “The explanation was really comprehensive...”

It’s official. Terran weirdness is actually infectious.

Day 25

"Really, Captain Trellok, your suspicion is unwarranted.” Thera smiled. “I've known for twenty years, and they've died five times during that period."

The original was also an impostor?

continued, "He died once from [equipment-less climbing] the [Terran monument #fr1], once from [motor-less flying #3] in the [Terran mountain-chain #2], once from making small-talk with a Hive Warrior, and once while doing [motor-less flying #5]

I nodded in reluctant appreciation. If nothing else, the chain of impostors had done a good job of consistently emulating the original’s idiocy, to the point of dying in the line of duty. Or it might be because they were all Terran and it came naturally to them.

After some consideration, I decided to stop investigating the identity issue, chalking it up to weird alien customs, like the way the X'b!k insist that a trade contract belongs to whoever has seized the inscribed contract obelisk this week.

Day 26

I finally looked up Terran , They were originally conceived of to train and compare soldier quality between countries, later transitioning into a recreational activity.

The thing that is very Terran about it is this: They went through the trouble to remove the risk of death from these military exercises. And then they decided "No, on second thought there's too little risk of death", and invented what they call "Extreme ".

Day 27

“A brand new [stochastic process]?”

“Yes, we were bored with the ones we had, and suggested that since you’ve been so interested in our [stochastic processes], we should make one just for you!.”

Thera gestured. “This is the [Sphere].”

“That’s a cleaning droid.”

“Yes, but it’s also the [Sphere].”

“It’s not very spherical”, I said, eyeing the disc-shaped bot sceptically.

“Things don’t need to be spherical to be [spheres]”, was the reply.

I considered this. “Wait, this is one of those again, correct? The algorithm specifies using a sphere, but the roundness is orthogonal to its purpose in the algorithm, so you’ve designated the name” - I looked it up - “ to the object you’re actually using.”

“Yes, Captain, you’ve solved the riddle”, Thera said, face indicating high levels of amusement.

I considered it some more. “That’s the most intellectually lazy thing I’ve ever heard.”

“That’s how you know it’s Terran”, one crewmember said.

I couldn’t dispute it. What I could do was to change to mean [mobile ritual token], which I promptly did. “So what is the algorithm here?”

Thera indicated a line on the floor. “This line splits the cargo hold into two areas. The cameras keeps track of how many seconds the cleaning droid spends on each side. After 20 minutes, the team with the most seconds win. The teams can’t touch each-other OR the ball, at a penalty of a minute per instance. No firearms.”

I nodded. The rule-set seemed like it would lead to a very straight-forward execution.

It very much did not.

---

There was a brief hold-up as the droid promptly started cleaning up the dividing line, but some programming later, the match started. Notable events follow:

*Both teams immediately emptied trash bags to lure the droid. It went for team 2.

*Two crewmembers from the other team grabbed brooms and vigorously started shoving the trash to their own area.

*Team 2 set up mirrors to increase their luring power.

* grabbed and threw the droid, suffering a penalty which he deemed “worth it”.

*A member of Team 1 grabbed the paint and drew a line near the wall on the other side, the significance of which showed when they all laid down on the floor, blocking the proper line, tricking the monitoring AI into designating 95% of the field as belonging to team 1.

Boggled by the sheer creativity at display, it was then I realized the fundamental truth behind the Terran antics: These algorithms were all made to both maintain that chaotic creative drive, and to contain it, channeling it away from the structures of society.

---

I showed up to the bridge somewhat more dusty and paint-covered than usual.

Brain whirring, I had in the end contributed to the ruleset: In the second round, possession of the droid would continually subtract from one’s score. The Terrans had been impressed with the improvement, claiming it compensated for asymmetrical [emulation area] and introduced some interesting strategic considerations. As for me, I had mostly considered how to incentivize participants not to leave a mess.

“Captain, what happened?”, Arek asked, bemused.

I gave him a Look - it had been exhausting enough to be on the receiving end of the explanation.

“I’m told what happened is now known as . Don’t ask.”

Arek seemed to weigh several phrases in his mind, before settling on: “Terrans are weird.”

“They are indeed”, I sighed. “They are indeed.”

Day 28

The Terrans were disembarking, and I heaved a sigh of relief. Not relief from worry, I hasten to add - I must admit they were on the whole an asset to security - but rather as if relieved of a persistent itch in my chest. Truly, my heart was salved.

”We’re taking Podli to a [Church] center to have her [babtized]”, the shaman noted as they went, and I nodded in appreciation of a logically consistent translation.

”Good riddance”, muttered Arek.

---

In the end, after due consideration, I changed the auto-translator entry from [stochastic process] to [ritualistic combat exercise (pleasurable)]. This did not fully cover the concept, but it would tell other species all they needed about Terrans and their .