Two small dwarfs paced back and forth in front of a stage nervously looking at their watches. Their names were Dorn, the Royal family's messenger and Frackleberry the public affairs officer.
"He's going to be late," said Dorn.
"He's always late, what did you expect?" responded Frackleberry.
"The king isn't going to be happy" nervously said Dorn as he started to bite on his nails.
"When is the king ever happy with him" retorted Frackleberry with a hint of exasperation, followed by a clear sigh of disgust.
"He was pretty happy when he invented the L.E.D."
"Well who wouldn't be proud of their kid if they invented everlasting life for all of Dwarfdom."
"Should I ask the king if he wants me to get the prince?"
"Dorn, If you have to ask the king, if the king's messenger should go remind his son of the biggest event this millennium which has been on his calendar for the past thirty years. Knowing fair well that the prince is most definitely lost in thought on some new device that's going to revolutionize our entire society, then you're not going to be in this position for another five millennia."
"You would think after the first millennium I would be off my probationary period."
"Dorn, it's the Royal family, nobody is ever off their probationary period. Especially as the messenger."
"I'm also the king's personal publicist!" Dorn screamed as he ran off in the direction of the prince's laboratory.
As Dorn ran past the pub he got intensely thirsty. At first he thought he shouldn't, this would only delay the event and potentially make the king more angry. "Well just got a moment," he said to himself. He walked up to the bartender and leaned against the stone counter. "I'll have a honey mead screwdriver, and make it quick please, I got the king waiting and he won't be happy."
A dwarf next to Dorn leaned in towards his friend at the bar and attempted to whisper but ended up speaking at a volume that everyone in the entire bar could hear. "There's Dwarfs and then there's Gnomes. Am I right? A honey mead screwdriver?
Well my friend that's definitely a damn fucking Gnome."
The Dwarf's friend, who was barely able to stand, only responded with a grunt and then subsequently raised his glass as a congratulatory gesture.
The first dwarf turned to Dorn, frowned and said, "Don't be such a Gnome."
Dorn smiled ignorantly, "but I am a Gnome. I'm the king's publicist!"
"Oh, you're a publicist are ye? I would have never guessed. Being so finely dressed. Not even barely an inch of callus on those fingers, I don't know how you even open a door without bleeding. Such fine delicate hands you have."
Dorn turned to the dwarf and stared him right in the eye. They had a tense moment.
"Well Clive and I just got back from being gone for three hundred years on an outer asteroid belt space mining mission. We've got at least an inch and a half of callus on our hands. Tough strong dwarf hands, for mining and killing. And, on the asteroid outpost we didn't have any honey mead screwdrivers. Just good old honest spider blood! And, we don't mix them in some fancy mixed drink, we take shots!"
Dorn stepped closer never taking his eye away from the other dwarf, "Spider blood shots you say?"
The other dwarf stepped closer and fixated on Dorns eyes, "yeah."
They got closer and Dorn responded, "Yeah."
They got closer and the Dwarf responded, "Yeah."
They did this little dance back and forth a few times. Never taking their eyes away from each other. At this point everyone in the bar was watching them. Waiting.
Dorn spoke softly, "Well…" then he picked up his voice and pulled back his hand, "I guess I'll have what they are drinking!"
All the Dwarf's in the bar cheered and clunked their mead mugs. The dwarf smiled and grabbed a shot of spider blood off the stone bar counter and placed it in Dorns hand. And just like that, Dorn swallowed the spider's blood. He grinned and grinded his teeth for a moment.
"That's some good stuff! A lot more fermentation than I thought."
"Huzzah! I'm glad you liked it, Dorn, the Gnome publicist of the king. My name's Crankshaft and this here is my buddy Clive."
"Well Crankshaft I'll have to stop by later and get another shot with you, but first I must find Prince Barnaby. He's late for the announcement of the space miner draft."
As quickly as he arrived, Dorn was out the door and on his way back to find the prince. He had made two new friends and tried a new drink today. Things were looking up.
Dwarfs by their very genetics are incredibly friendly and loyal creatures. While another creature in the same situation at the bar might have ended up in a fight, Dwarfs are almost incapable of fighting each other out of anger. Even when it seems like they are insulting each other, no Dwarf ever takes offense because every dwarf is a friend. Not that they don't fight. They love a good fight, but almost always for fun.
Crankshaft turned to Clive, "It's good to be home, Clive."
"Yeah it's good to be home but this whole introduction is very cliche," said Clive.
"Introduction? What are you even saying Clive?"
"I thought the introduction to the story was a bit cliche for me," said Clive in a very uppity manner.
"What story are you talking about mate? You be spending too much time in the mine and drinking that spider blood, you need to sleep it off or go see a shrink because your skull is too tight for your bleeding brain. They are going to have to drill too get some of the pressure off. Nobody be talking about any stories. In the king's name. Go home."
Dorn arrived at Prince Barnaby's lab. Barnaby, like most Gnomes, easily becomes hyper focused on their work. Once when working on the capacitor issues on the L.E.D he had forgotten to leave his lab for nearly ten years. Which was only possible being a prince he had a few personal staff stocking the lab with food and on occasion clean clothes. When Barnaby left the lab he honestly only believed a few days had passed. All Dwarfs have a different perception of time, being that they can live naturally for twenty to thirty thousand years. However, some gnomes are known to be especially time blind.
There is a story of Professor Wa'Hor Ol who had recently had a baby with his wife. Planning on taking some time off to be with the new baby he went to his lab to finish his project. When he arrived home he was astonished to find his new baby girl and all the rest of his children were fully grown adults. His wife said she would have come and got him at his office at the university, but he had asked to not be disturbed. She may have taken him a little too literal.
Dorn arrived at the lab and walked right in. You might wonder how he just walked into a building of a royal family member, well the door had no locks, just like all the doors on the planet. Dwarfs have no use for locks since they're is almost no crime on the planet.
Dorn called out Barnaby's name as he walked by an utter mess of an office. The prince's personal staff must not have stopped by for a few days. As he got half way through the building he saw Prince Barnaby working on a computer motherboard. He appeared to be lost in thought and was thinking out loud about a math equation for the physics of water in motion.
"Prince Barnaby, it's I, Dorn."
"Yes. Yes. How are you Dorn? Why are you troubling me on this fine day?"
"Your highness, it's draft day."
"Again, already."
"Sir, draft day only happens once every three hundred years."
"Three hundred is much too soon. I feel like I'm just constantly going to these events."
"You missed last year, so to be fair it's been six hundred years since your last draft day party. I think the king will be very upset if it's nine hundred years since you made it to draft day. Would you want to make the king angry?"
"Why would I care if I made him angry?"
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"He's the king!"
"We're a constitutional monarchy, he barely has any power."
"He appoints the ministers of legislature."
"Appoint!" Barnaby laughs, "We use that term loosely. The people elect the ministers and the king gets to sign a document he has no choice in the matter. Next power, please."
"He has the power to open and dissolve the legislature. He can really affect what laws are made by dissolving the legislature."
"Open and dissolve. I think you're placing more power in those words than what exists. He has no more authority than a Dwarf that flips the open and closed sign at the deli. The legislature establishes the session times and dates. Only a three-fourths vote of no confidence can remove an elected official. That doesn't mean if he doesn't like the entire legislature he can fire them and send them all home and get new ones. It's nothing more than a ceremonial event to let everyone know the ministers are on holiday. Next power."
"Royal assent to bills passed by the legislature."
Barnaby rolls his eyes, "That's going back to the whole appointment thing. The king doesn't have veto power. If he doesn't sign the document the legislature would just stop paying for his bills and take away his salary. Next power."
"The power of grand strategy!"
Barnaby stopped working on his mother board for a moment. The one true power the king actually has. The power of grand strategy. The king can dictate one single goal for the government and the entirety of Dwardom. After a moment of all the possibilities, he just smiled and laughed.
"The power of grand strategy! It's been a hundred thousand years since a king had dictated anything of any importance. Most kings just declare more ore. More ore. Well except the year when my father declared Margarita Mondays and Taco Tuesdays for everyone. I still think he was paid off by the tequila and lime manufacturing industry. We did spend the entire year on vacation."
"You went on vacation for the entire year? Who opened and dissolved the legislature all year?"
"They used a mannequin of the king and attached it to some strings, and used it like a marionette. Nobody noticed the difference from what I heard. Normal Dwarfs are usually too drunk and the ministers just want to go on holiday. Dorn, my father isn't the head of the government, he's the king of entertainment."
The king has many titles; Commander-in-Chief, President of the Legislature, Supreme Law Enforcement Officer, Grand Adjutant Administrator, among many others. The one title that the king performs the most and spends the most time and energy on is Chief Entertainment Officer. The planet has one single government run television company that produces all the televised entertainment shows. It's probably the most powerful organization in existence. King Derek isn't just the CEO of the Ministry of Television, he's also the self-appointed top talent. He's the lead character in 15 shows and in a supporting role in another 23. He also appears in a cameo role for every single show that has existed since becoming King.
King Derek does have an abnormal amount of ego for a dwarf but nobody seems to mind because he's the most beloved dwarf in existence. The only Dwarf that can compare is Prince Fry, Prince Barnaby's identical twin brother. He's in almost as many shows as the King. The King was preparing him to replace him one day. Then Barnaby invented the Life Extending Device, commonly known as LED, and then Derek went from King for life to essentially King for all time.
The legislature had a short session where they argued on whether the king should only serve for a set term and then pass on the role. The discussion ended quickly when one minister pointed out that if the king abdicated his throne, he might retire from television altogether. Fear quickly ended the discussion as everyone feared what life would be like without the most beloved dwarf in existence in all of their living rooms on a daily basis.
"Plus nobody ever watches the D-PAN. Even to see my father."
D-PAN is the acronym for the Dwarf - Public Affairs Network. It mostly broadcasts the legislature and the court system. Frackleberry serves as the public affairs officer for the royal family and is the department chief for the D-PAN network. Most Dwarfs don't even know that it exists.
"Well let's go Dorn."
"Prince Barnaby don't you want to put on your formal attire?"
"Quite, right! All the pomp and circumstance and all that. Wouldn't want the smallest of Dwarfs to think the royal family ever wears pajamas do we."
Prince Barnaby put on his formal academic robes. He wore black robes which are the colors for Dwarfs with advanced degrees in science. His father and brother would be in white robes that represent Dwarfs with advanced degrees in the Arts.
Barnaby was the most academically decorated Dwarf in history. His robes were covered in tassels for each degree and academic award he'd received.
When the prince arrived behind the stage, his father and brother looked thoroughly annoyed. It brought him a slight sense of joy that he had pissed them off so much. Fry and his father did all the same things together. His father always treated him differently. His brother was the perfect son in his father's eyes. The golden child, and there's nothing more that Dwarfs love than gold. Barnaby didn't hate his brother. He adored his brother, they had always been close, he did resent his father's relationship with him though.
Then in walked princess Laura, she grinned at Barnaby and kissed him on the forehead.
Barnaby's sister has a different relationship altogether. She loves science like Barnaby and loves the theater and people like Fry. She didn't get the attention she wanted from her father but instead of pulling away like Barnaby she sought her father's affection, one he wasn't always there to give. Too much attention was spent on Fry, but her father always sought her counsel.
King Derek always said that Fry was the most entertaining dwarf ever, Layra was wisest dwarf of all time, and Barnaby was a know it all. The biggest known it all ever. As you could imagine, It never came off as a compliment.
"I've missed you brother," said Layra.
"Where have I been Layra? I was just at your house for dinner but long ago," replied Barnaby.
"Barnaby. That was a year ago!"
"A year ago. That can't be true."
Fry walked over to the pair as they were talking. He had a concerned look on his face. One that came from a feeling of disappointment. King Derek walked over to the refreshment table. As Fry got closer to his siblings the look of disappointment disappeared, it was merely a facade for his father's sake.
"My two favorite Dwarfs! Where have you been brother," said Fry.
"Yes. We were just talking about Barnaby's absence," said Layra.
Fry popped a berry into his mouth, one which he had in his pocket.
"Did you have that berry in your pocket?" Said Barnaby.
"I did. It was a pocket berry, I'm amazed you've never heard of them."
At which point he pulled out two more berries from his pants pocket and tossed them into his mouth.
His siblings looked on with disgust.
King Derek walked up from behind and placed his hands on Layra's and Fry's shoulders.
"Well if it isn't my favorite three Dwarfs and Barnaby. The prodigal gnome son returns," said Derek.
"Father, be nice! We wouldn't want Barnaby to disappear for another year without caring about whether he sees his family or if they see him," said Layra.
"Barnaby knows I'm joking. Come my children. So Barnaby what have you been working on? Another device to totally revolutionize our total way of life I expect. Or, did you create a sprocket with illuminosity and ten percent more durability?" said Derek.
"Father, it's Barnaby, he only solves the biggest problems known to dwarfs," said Fry.
Barnaby was about to answer when Frackleberry walked over. "It's time. You need to go on the stage now."
King Derek took the lead with a mic in his hand, he walked out onto the stage smiling with his hands reaching out as to invite everyone watching from home into an embrace.
"It's the day we have all been waiting for," said Derek. "Three hundred lucky souls will have the honor of being the next rotation of military draftees sent to mine the asteroid belt for the next three hundred years. Three hundred for three hundred!!! For Dwarfdom and Derek!"
The crowd screamed, "For Dwarfdom and Derek!"
Every three hundred years, three hundred Dwarfs are drafted into the Royal Marine Mining Corps (RMMC). The service contract is commonly referred to as three hundred for three hundred.
The RMMC is the only surviving branch of the military. Its sole mission is to bring back resources to sustain the society. When there were multiple kingdoms the Royal Mining Corps, as it was known then, used to mine the planet. However, when all the kingdoms united into one monarchy the very first act was to abolish mining on the planet. An enormous percentage of the planet was already mined and to continue created the very real fear that too much mining would cause the planet to collapse. At the time it was a very progressive movement to protect the planet from structural collapse. There were many angry Dwarfs that believed that mining was at the core of what it meant to be a dwarf.
The Royal Mining Corps was renamed to the Royal Marine Mining Corps and every effort was made to rapidly expand the capabilities of the fledgling Royal Navigator Space Corps (RNSC).
Originally the Royal Navigator Space Corps was just a small group of eccentric wealthy men from powerful noble families. At one point in time in history it was enough for a Dwarf's ego to be part of the landed gentry. However, with the abolishment of the feudal system, titles of nobility became mostly a ceremonial thing. The navigator corps was established as a private enterprise by a few elitist Dwarfs with something to prove. They were already rich and powerful, the navigator corps was an opportunity for the rich and powerful to showcase how really rich and powerful they were.
Like all things, some things never change. Many Dwarfs believe that nothing has really changed with the abolishment of the feudal system, all the Lords went into politics and the power structure didn't change entirely out of noble family hands.
After it had been around for a few hundred years, the organization changed slightly. All of the kingdoms had compulsory military service and members of the navigator corps were usually exempt from military service. Dwarfs who joined the Royal Navigator Space Corps usually did so as an attempt to get out of military service. The navigator corps was filled with the rich who couldn't be bothered to serve their kingdoms. The wealthy intellectual elite, either space nerds or self important adrenaline rocket jockeys.
The law allowed members of the navigator corps to be excluded from military service to allow them time to nurture the technology. The people were told once the technology could be useful for military service, the private ventures would be nationalized. The planet was peaceful and war between kingdoms was a thing for ancient history. There really wasn't an intention to nationalize the group, it was just a ruse to protect the children of the wealthy elite.
Members spent their time developing rocket technology and racing rockets over public broadcast.
When all of the kingdoms united, so did their navigator corps. One change led to another and after the law changed forbidding mining, the Royal Navigator Space Corps was converted into a public service that would transport Marine miners and their precious haul of ore.
King Derek smiled and looked back at his children.
"This year we have a bit of a surprise. For the first time in the history of the draft, Two lucky dwarfs have actually been chosen to serve three hundred years. We all know normally this decision is made by the lottery system at random. Isn't this exciting! Those two lucky dwarfs are my two sons, Fry and Barnaby!!!"
For Barnaby and Fry time slowed down, everything blurred and their hearing started to crackle and hum.
"What just happened?" asked Fry in confusion.
"Dad just drafted us," slowly replied Barnaby.