o. o. o.
It had been almost a year since Sirius and Waver began to periodically visit the Emiya household, staying for no longer than a week or two at a time and visiting every few months to check how the two man family was doing. Kiritsugu had left the compound a couple of more times, but he returned soon enough on both occasions and looking far more tired than he had been when he left.
It was shortly after the first time he had returned that Shirou had managed to finally project Avalon, though it did cause the boy to pass out after doing so and did not recover until the following day. It was clearly far from perfect with inconsistencies in its foundation, and the quality of the gold clearly not matching up to the original. However, it still possessed the magic that made it a Noble Phantasm in the first place.
Since the first trial, Kiritsugu had been implanting the imperfect, yet progressively improving copies made into his body in order to prolong his time on Earth. Shirou in turn would advance his tracing capabilities dramatically by repeatedly reproducing the incredibly complicated and powerful Noble Phantasm.
The boy didn't know that he was prolonging his father's life. He merely thought that his dad was simply testing out his creations extremely thoroughly. With his circuits and skill, he could at best do this once a day without potentially killing himself. Anymore and he risked doing extreme damage to his magic circuit or his body.
Still Kiritsugu could feel his time coming. Shirou's Avalon copies were certainly doing their job and improving with each implant. The latest lasting him almost half a week before it finally disappeared, however it would not enable him to live as long as he would have if he didn't give the boy his remaining crest circuits.
As such he spent as much time as he could with the boy when he wasn't at school. Playing, teaching, drinking tea. The two spent long amounts of time enjoying the other's company. Kiritsugu knew that his son idolized him. The shine in the boy's eyes spoke of nothing else as he told him of stories of the magic world and what magi could really do and of some of his… less violent adventures.
… That didn't mean that he got irritated at the boy on occasion…
"Shirou." Kiritsugu frowned as the two finally made it back to their home. "How many times has this been this month that you've gotten yourself into a fight at school?"
"… Four?" The boy answered in a muffled voice, ashamed to look at his dad in the eyes with the one eye he had that wasn't swelled shut from the beating he had recently gotten in trouble for.
"Six." The man corrected before sighing and scratching his head frustrated. "Shirou, I know that you want to help others. Every time I get a call, it's about you standing up against multiple older bullies almost twice your size each. That's not a bad thing, but you have to put some concern into your own well being too."
"What do you mean?" The boy tilted his head to the side confused. "That guy was being bullied, so why shouldn't I have helped out? It was the right thing to do so it doesn't matter if I got into trouble or got hurt a bit…"
A lance of emotional pain pierced through Kiritsugu. Once again Shirou's complete lack of self preservation came to light, something akin to suicidal tendencies under the guise of noble desires that was more than likely bound to either break, kill, or twist the person known as Shirou Emiya in the future at some point. To give someone like this the dream to become a hero… no… he couldn't do that in good conscience. Not again.
The images and cries of the heroic spirit in red that was revered by not a single person or book flashed through his mind.
"Shirou…" He began slowly with a sad look on his face. "Do you know how much you hurt me when you say things like that?"
The boy looked at his father in shock. "Wh-what?" He stumbled back, not expecting for his idol to say this.
He continued. "People can hurt in more than one way. They can hurt when those they care about are hurt, when those people die, and when those people do things that make their loved ones worry…" He stepped forward. "You have to care more about yourself son. You have a great heart. Bigger than most would ever have… but you don't realize how much people can hurt by watching their loved ones risk themselves needlessly as if their lives don't matter." He looked at the boy worriedly. "Is that something you want to do? Do you want to hurt me?"
The boy shook his head frantically. "No! It's not like that! You don't have to worry about me. I just wanted to make those bullies stop as quickly as possible so…"
"You did something reckless and instead of doing the safe thing and get a teacher, you jumped into the fray yourself." Kiritsugu finished the boy's explanation in a dry tone. "You always do this Shirou. You try to undertake these things yourself in place of others despite the fact that they may be suited better to doing it simply because it may trouble them." He shook his head.
"I just want to be like you though!" The boy argued with frustrated tears welling up. "I wanna help people like a superhero! Like you helped me!"
There it was. There was the cause of so much pain for so many people in the future. To hear it actually come from Shirou's mouth now though… even when he is still such a small child terrified the man to no end. He closed his eyes and before Shirou knew what happened hugged him. "Shirou…" Kiritsugu muttered, some tears forming in his eyes. "I was similar to you once. I wanted to be a hero of justice. To stop all the bad things happening in the world, and I did try to do that with all my might. But, you don't really know what such a path is like."
"I… don't get it Dad." The scared and confused boy whispered, never seeing this side to his father before. "What's so bad to be a hero? To stop bad guys? To make everyone happy?"
"To be a hero… I had sacrificed and killed so many people to save many times that number of lives. Even though doing so slowly killed me painfully on the inside." Kiritsugu muttered, not trusting his voice to speak any louder than he was. "My father… my adopted mother… my partner… my wife… all dead because of me. And my beautiful daughter, my true daughter is kept away from me so that I will never see or hear from her again. All for the sake of saving the world and saving lives. I became a monster that took them." He whimpered.
Shirou didn't say anything. He didn't know what he was expecting, but the child clealry was not expecting, much less prepared for this.
Kiritsugu took in a shuddering breath. "It is so lonely… and you will hurt so many people no matter what you do. If you isolate yourself for too long, you wouldn't even become a human anymore before you realize that the fighting won't stop and that in order to keep on saving people. You will have to keep on killing others. Your heart would go so cold that neither the most beautiful and caring woman, nor the most disgusting and sickening acts would be able to move it. You can't call someone like that a hero. Any decent human being would never wish such a fate on anyone and call themselves a good person. Shirou. I truly… I only have you left. If you died or if something permanent happened to you, I would have no meaning left in me. I'd be all alone. To see my only link to humanity care so little for itself terrifies me more than you can possibly imagine."
A bitter laugh escapted the dying man's lips. "I know… you are probably guilty for being one of the only ones to live through the fire. That you have to live for other's sakes because you feel it's unfair that only you lived." The boy's sudden rigidity was enough to confirm his suspicion. "… If that's the case, then live Shirou. Help people yes… fight bad guys if you have to… but live the lives that those that died couldn't have. Have loved ones. Have a family. Keep them close and be happy by making them happy. Protect them. If you truly wish to use your magic to help others I will not stop you… but please at least put your loved ones' feelings into consideration…"
Kiritsugu couldn't see the boy's face at the time, however it was probably best he didn't.
Shirou's expression was not one that he would have preferred. It did contain some compassion and hurt… however the dominant emotions on the boy's face were confusion and fear.
It was the innocent stare of a child that truly did not understand the true meaning of what his father was trying to tell him. It held an unnerved stare of uncertainty, showing that the boy did not know how to respond appropriately to his father's request. The man did make sense in a way, but the overall message eluded him. As such he said nothing in fear of saying the wrong thing and making his beloved father even more depressed.
Yes. Shirou Emiya was truly distorted from the fire. He did not see why he should truly be happy when all those that burned around him and had their lives ended so cruelly no longer had the chance to. The boy now only felt true elation when he helped others…
…And yet…
… The boy did understand bits and pieces of what his father said. People died in the world. That in itself was obvious. Shirou had seen that first hand. Apparently if you were a hero… that happened around you more often than he would like, and to people you knew too. It made sense. In the cartoons and stories he read, occasionally someone would get hurt by accident or targeted by the main bad guy in order to get to the hero. Most of the time things went well… but not all the time.
And his father also mentioned his family. His wife. His parents. His daughter. To lose so many people close to him in order to go for his dreams. It made it sound like it was almost better to be alone with no friends or family in order to be a hero… but did he truly want to be alone forever? If it was to protect people then he might consider it… but how sad would it make his father? The man who he idolized truly wanted him to have a family before being a hero. The man who saved his life and gave him purpose again? Wasn't that being selfish to put his desires before those of people who might need his help? But then wasn't it also selfish to not live the life that those who died in the fire would envy and have a loving family?
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The questions upon questions of distorted morals cycled and assaulted the boy as he tried to understand his father's pain. He wanted to know what to do or say in order to make this right! A hero most likely would have known, but Kiritsugu was asking him to not be one! What was the right thing to do then?
Shirou was a small boy, however that did not matter much when he instinctively reinforced his body and pushed his father away, forcing the man back a good few steps.
Kiritsugu stumbled back for a moment before seeing his son stare at him with confusion and fear on his face before the boy turned around and ran out of the house like a frantic animal. "Shirou!" The man shouted as the boy turned the corner and disappeared from view. He was far from the condition he would have needed to be to chase after the unnerved child and as such could only stumble to the main entrance and look in hopes to at least have a decent idea of where the boy may have ran to…
o. o. o.
Shirou ran. His mind was too clouded by what his father had told him, of what he should do, of how he should live, of what his dreams would bring him to care about where he was going.
What was it that he truly wanted? What was it his father truly wanted? Was doing the right thing not so simple as what he meant? How could he help others without hurting his dad?
Before Shirou knew where he was, he had found himself standing at the local park. It had barely registered to him that he was breathing heavily as he took in his surroundings and began to calm down. The day was closing as the sun set in the distance, making the sky look as if it was on fire, burning as intensely as his lungs and head were.
He hated it.
Even when he tried to clear his mind, even the sky itself would remind him of the fire. Why? Why was it so hard to make people happy? Isn't the world simply supposed to be beat the bad guy, rescue the town, stop the monster? Sure there would be a hard moment every once in a while, but can't they all be worked around in one way or another with enough hard work? After enough time he could be strong enough in his magic to do more things, help more people. He could keep on helping and helping…
… But would he stop? Should he stop? Surely the "right" answer is to keep on going so long as people still need to be rescued, but Shirou knew even then that he probably wouldn't be able to save everyone. If that was the case would he be able to have a family? His dad was right. If he wanted to honor those that didn't live, he should at least have a loving family… but would he have to sacrifice them too to be a hero like his dad did? Hero's did have enemies after a while, and they would most likely go after his loved ones. If he was a true hero he could save them…
Memories of the fire had brought him back to reality. There was no way to absolutely ensure that everyone lived all the time…
He was snapped out of his thoughts as he heard something nearby. He didn't notice them first since he had been exhausted and confused, but since he had actually stopped for a bit he had become aware of the world around him once more.
The primary sounds he heard was laughter, most likely from kids his age if their voices were any indication. The concerning outlier though that said voices reminded him of those of the bullies he would often pick fights with when said bullies were picking on some unfortunate target of the day.
Focusing on his listening even more, sure enough, he soon picked up the very quiet whimpering of the suspected target. A girl if the high pitched voice was any indication.
The short tempered boy growled and began to correct this injustice when he stopped. This is exactly what he had done to make his dad worried and sad in the first place. He was sticking his nose into other people's business again. He would probably get hurt. He would anger his dad. But…
The distinct sound of flesh hitting flesh met the boy's ears and in an instant Shirou had made up his mind. He would probably get in trouble for it later, but he just couldn't ignore such things from happening right in front of him.
He paused as the bruises from his previous fight throbbed, reminding him that he was already recovering from earlier that day. If he fought again he would probably not only get into trouble, but also hurt in a way that would take much longer to heal. The sound of the bullying continued, causing the boy to grit his teeth in frustration. Quietly sneaking around the corner of the park, Shirou saw the scene.
Three boys a year or two older than him were surrounded by a small and silent girl with purple hair that looked about a year younger than him. The group took turns kicking and shoving the exhausted female between them, who did nothing in retaliation other than hold her arms up to make the pain less, almost as if she had given up on trying to fight back in the first place.
There were no adults around and no one had noticed him yet.
Shirou breathed out calmly. This was just like his lessons with Waver-nii. When faced with a tough problem, don't rush things or you'll do something stupid and get hurt. He didn't do it earlier that day because he had let his temper get the better of him, but now after running for a long time he was too tired to get over emotional about these things. He wouldn't fight all at once, but that didn't mean he couldn't get rid of them or make them stop hitting the girl.
Picking up a rock and taking aim, the boy launched his projectile at the nearest offender and was rewarded with the satisfying sound of stone hitting the shoulder of his target. He didn't dare try to aim for the head. "Oi jerks!" He shouted, getting the attention of the boys. "You're picking on a girl by herself? That's so lame!" He paused to see that the one he hit was now on the verge of tears from getting hit. "Hah! One rock and you're already about to cry?"
"Get him!" Yelled the victim of the sneak attack as he and the other two boys turned to their latest target.
"Trace. On." The outnumbered boy muttered under his breath and flooded his bones and skin with prana. Shirou knew that he shouldn't use magic against civilian kids, but he was just so sick and tired of everything right now that he couldn't really care less. Besides, he only enhanced his bones and skin so that he wouldn't get hurt that badly if the fighting went against him and so that he could hit harder.
And so Shirou fought the older boys at once… and was beaten relentlessly.
He may have had some basic fighting training from Sirius, Kiritsugu, and Taiga, but it was nowhere near enough to handle three opponents at once. Time and time again he was kicked and punched and thrown to the ground. Just as many times he had picked himself up with determination. He wanted to help the girl yes. He wanted to stop those bullies yes… but they weren't the reason why he stood back up time and time again only to be beaten down.
No, the reason why he didn't back down was because if he did so, he felt as if he would never truly understand the reason why his father wanted him to not become a hero of justice and go out of his way to help people. In his mind the only way to find out why it was so bad for him and others was to do so anyways. So far though all it was doing was annoying his opponents and making him hurt a lot.
Looking past the group, he saw the girl he had rescued looking at him with dull purple eyes curiously, almost as if she was expecting something of him that he had not done yet. He didn't know why, but the girl looked as if she was crying before the bullies had gotten to her since the red marks on her eyes looked older than a few minutes. Before he could think about it anymore though, a kick to his side brought him back to realizing that he was fighting three kids at once and losing badly.
"What the heck is he made of?" Grunted one of the boys as he rubbed his foot. "It's like hitting a rock."
"He won't stay down either." Panted another as he put his foot on Shirou's back in attempt to do so. "Is he stupid or something?"
"He has to be." Grumbled the leader, kicking the red headed boy's skull lightly. "Why else would he try to pick a fight with us?"
"Maybe he knows her." Suggested the first one as he turned to see where the purple eyed girl still watched on curiously.
"I don't." Shirou grunted as he tried to pick himself up again only to be held in place. "I just fought you cause you were picking on her."
The leader laughed. "Hah! He really is just stupid! He doesn't even know when to give up!"
"Actually, that's partially my fault."
A tired, calm, but chillingly empty voice from behind the children, causing all of them to freeze.
Standing behind them was an exhausted Kiritsugu looking down at them with an sweaty body… but his face was stone cold and emotionless. Shirou shivered as he felt no warmth at all coming from his father's eyes.
"If you wouldn't mind, I was in the middle of a conversation with my son before he decided to go somewhere else."
The boys shivered as the man's impossibly empty gaze turned even colder, as if he was contemplating how to kill them. Of course their young minds, other than Shirou's, didn't comprehend the exact feeling having never experienced or have come close to death, however their bodies all recognized the danger this newcomer presented.
"I would appreciate it if you didn't bother the young lady over there anymore either."
It wasn't a request. All the children there could feel it in their bodies that if they didn't do what the man said, they would suffer greatly. It had less to do with how he said it than it did with pure instinct.
Kiritsugu had at most a circuit or two that he could activate if he was truly pressed, however he didn't need it for something like this. He was carrying himself like an assassin, a murderer, and he was now looking at potential targets.
They were not children or boys or family. They were simply lives on a scale.
It wasn't a surprise that the offending boys had attempted to bolt at once, tripping over their frantic and clumsy legs multiple times in the process before finally getting out of sight.
"D-Dad?" Shirou whispered in fear as he saw his father in a completely different way. This was not his teacher. This was not his friend. This was not his father.
This was a man who was for lack of a better term empty on the inside. No, to call the person in front of him a man was pushing it. Even as a child, Shirou could tell that the thing in front of him that looked like his father was barely human. Gutted and cored out of almost every emotional function until only the bare minimum was there that was needed in order to get things done.
"You disappoint me." The "man" spoke in the same dead tone in the same emotionless demeanor, causing the boy to flinch and look away before the man grabbed his head and forced it to face him. "Look at me." He commanded, neither angry nor passionate nor emotional. "You can tell can't you? This is what doing nothing but sacrificing yourself for others does to you, if you don't manage to die somewhere along the line."
He observed the boy shaking in shock and fear but did not acknowledge it. Instead he simply turned and began to walk home. "I never expected to be like this again. You did this to me Shirou. Your recklessness with your safety is the sole cause for this. You fail to realize that your well being is also needed to aid others. If you continue to act like you have," He stopped to contemplate his words, but didn't turn around. "You'll find yourself in hell… alone, trapped, and unable to do anything about it."
He glanced towards the girl to his other side, who was simply standing there and watching curiously and confused. She didn't fear him. Her body was exhausted, but she did not fear him despite the danger his body clearly emitted. The two made eye contact for several seconds before Kiritsugu snorted and closed his eyes. "… Though if you continue to be this stubborn about it, a way out may eventually show itself… maybe." He mused out loud before continuing his way back home. He didn't bother to look at the scared, confused, and unnerved boy… or at the absolutely blank girl.
o. o. o.