I hummed to myself as I dug a large hole in the ‘yard’ of our dorms. Hanging on a rack in the freezer was a small butchered lamb. The night before I had smothered the things in spices and salt. Halfway through I realized how much of an idiot I was for manually doing the work. I tossed my shovel to the dirt and stomped inside.
“Illia!” I roared, hoping the diminutive elf would pop up. I got no response and I shouted again, “Illia, I need your help!”
“Shut up I’m trying to read.” I assumed it was Val yell back.
“Eh good enough.” I muttered and said louder, “Val I could use your help.”
“I don’t care.”
“Then I guess you don’t want to eat tonight.”
Muffled cursing and stomping reverberated through the floorboards and a few moments later Val slid down the railing, “you’re cooking tonight?”
“Eyup.”
She sighed, “fine.”
“You’re probably going to need your staff for this,” I said and she glowered at me.
“Could have told me that earlier.”
“Feisty today aren’t we?”
She grumbled to herself, closing her eyes and reaching her arms out, making some elaborate hand gestures. Strange hieroglyphic symbols shifted around her and with an audible pop, her staff appeared in her hands. She wiped a bead of sweat off with her sleeve and slipped into her shoes.
We walked back to the hole and I pointed at it, “make it deeper and larger.”
“Hmph, using my magical genius to do manual labor. How like a Varus of you to assume I’ll just do it.” she huffed, leaning into her staff crossing her arms.
“I can always just have Illia come down here and do it. I heard elves are pretty good at magic too.”
“Do you have a specific depth and size?”
I smiled, “that’s the spirit, eight feet deep and five feet wide in a circle should be good enough.”
She stuck her staff into the mud and started chanting under her breath. The gemstone in her staff began to glow and several thousand pounds of dirt levitated out of the ground. Val’s brow furrowed in concentration, her body shook slightly as she placed the mound to one side. Releasing the spell she stumbled a few steps before I caught her.
“Are you ok, that looked like it took a lot out of you.”
She nodded, “Telekinesis is more my sister’s thing.”
“That’s alright, it’s still incredibly impressive and more than anything I can do. Just let me know if you need a break.”
“I-I think I’ll take that break right now. “ she said and conjured up a water bottle. Illia chose that moment to make herself known.
“Ooh! I’ll do it if it makes her so tired.” She exclaimed, “what do we do next Mr. Varus?”
I scratched the back of my head, turned to Val who lay flat on the ground, her hat slumped over her face, “sure why not, can you place those bricks over there inside?” I asked, pointing to the crate that Sam and I had spent hours moving.
“Can I?” She seemed amused.
I frowned, I had little knowledge of how magic worked and I wondered if I had inadvertently said something stupid, “can you?”
She snapped, “done.”
“What?” I whirled around, the bricks had been perfectly molded into the hole, leaving no seams or gaps at all. “How?”
“Magic.”
Shaking my head, I began tossing firewood into the ground oven. “After I’m done with this can you heat it up?”
“Can I?”
“Oh, not this again.” I sighed, “can you?”
“No.”
“What?” I asked more surprised than confused, “why not?”
“I don’t know how.” she whispered sheepishly, “elves have low destruction magic potential so they don’t teach it in the Forest.”
“Well, they do at Rarokan’s.” Val said standing up on wobbly knees, “so Ryze how hot do you need the fire.”
“Eh?” I shook my head, “I just want the coals, so any temperature is fine really.”
She grinned, “I see, you might want to step back for this one.”
I gulped, wondering if this was a mistake, and backed up thirty feet. Almost to the dorms and watched with a mixture of anticipation and terror as Val summoned three boulder-sized fireballs that spun faster and faster, getting closer before they combined, forming one massive ball of flames. She slowly raised her hands into the air and with a shouted spell, the fireball launched straight into the air, increasing in size as it went. Making seemingly random motions with her hands, she thrust them down and the ball turned into a lance of fire. It hit the oven with more force than I had ever seen before. I averted my gaze as quickly as I could, shielding my eyes. There was a brilliant flash of light, a scorching heat, and a sound like thunder.
As the heat subsided, I turned back around gaping at the fiery mushroom-shaped cloud forming. The lawn was practically gone, what little remained was on fire, and the dirt surrounding it was blackened. I glanced at the crater where the oven had once been.
“PASSION DAMN YOU VAL!” I roared looking around for the short mage, she was no were to be seen. I half wondered if she had incinerated herself along with the rest of the lawn. A clump of burning grass rustled and caught my attention, it shook a few times before rolling over revealing white skin and red cloths. Val sprawled across the burnt lawn giggling like a maniac. I stomped over to her and noted with slight concern the crazed look in her eyes.
“Hehehehehehehe that was fun,” she whispered to herself. Illia walked over and shook her head.
I leaned over, “Is this something we should be concerned about?”
“We usually just leave it to the princess, she’s like their mother.” she said, “oh speaking of which, good luck.”
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
“What do you me-” I started but she disappeared with a pop.
“RYZE!” I heard a sharp voice demand, it cut into me like a whip. I went rigid and snapped to attention. “What is the meaning of this?”
“I swear I didn’t do any-”
“What is the meaning of this?” she asked again, her voice cold, with an edge like a razor.
I panicked looking down at the girl by my feet, “Uhh, Val exploded the oven that I was making.”
“Do not lie to me!” she hissed, “I will get to the truth of this matter one way or the other.”
“But that was the truth,” I whined and she turned to Val.
“Well?”
“Hehehe, Ka-Boom!”
Cassie rubbed her forehead, “Fine, why were you digging a hole in the yard in the first place? In fact, start from the beginning, I want the whole story.”
“I needed a bigger oven.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why? Because the one in the dorms is too small!”
“And then?”
“So I took a shovel and began to dig a hole, then I remembered we had magicians living with us and I asked them for help.” She nodded along, “I asked Explosion girl over there for help and she agreed. Then she tired herself out moving some dirt and Illia decided to tag along. She helped me place the bricks into the oven while Val rested. A few minutes later I asked her to start the oven and she fucking blew it up!”
Cassie took a few moments to process what I had just said, “So what you are telling me is. You decided for no good reason, to dig a hole in our yard, then had the stupid idea to allow Val to use magic around the dorm and insulted her by asking Illia for help at the same time?”
“You’re making it sound like it’s my fault!”
“It is your fault.”
“HOW!”
“Do not raise your voice at me. I am the royal princess and will not be treated in such a fashion.”
By her feet Val groaned, “lower your voice, I have a headache.”
“OH? YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!” she yelled, “WHAT A SHAME, PERHAPS YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE IF YOU DIDN’T BLOW UP OUR LAWN!”
The sound of heels striking stone rang out from behind me and I paled. Cassie’s eyes widened, turning a milky white. “Oh, dear.”
“Oh dear indeed,” the very familiar voice of Ms. Mallory agreed, “would either of you care to explain why I just received a call from the headmaster asking why one of the dorms just exploded?”
“Uhhh, that would be Val’s fault.”
“I see.”
“Ms. Mallory, that would not be entirely factual. The truth of the matter is that Ryze coerced my teammate into it.”
“Really now?” I glared at her and she gave me a smirk.
“Mallory is that you?” Val looked up at her.
“It is,” she said, then her voice softened, “so do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Ryze wanted help lighting up a fire and I tried to use the spell that grandpa taught us.”
She sighed, “You should know better than to use so much mana at once. Who were you trying to impress with something like that.”
“I wasn’t trying to impress anyone,” She protested, “I just wanted to help out a friend make dinner faster.”
Mallory’s gaze turned to me, her eyes glaring accusingly.
“H-Hey, don’t get any wrong ideas,” I said waving my hands in front of me.
Cassie scoffed, “as if.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Shaking her head, Ms. Mallory summoned her wand and with a few quick motions began to fix the yard. The soot on the walls was removed, the fires were put out, the crater was filled in and a new layer of grass sprouted from the ground. I gaped in awe at the scene. It seemed that Val still had much to learn before she reached anywhere near that level.
“Do not destroy the lawn again or there will be consequences,” she warned walking off. For a few moments, we stood there just taking in what we had witnessed.
“Well shit, how am I going to make dinner now?”
In the end, Cassie had ordered Val and Illia to do whatever I asked without question or complaint. They grudgingly accepted and I had them maintain a fire using magic to roast the lamb in less than half the normal time. In the meantime, I made Western-style rice called Pilaf. The smell of roasted meats wafted through the air, drawing my teammates to the food.
“No! Stay back!” I shouted brandishing a wooden ladle. It reminded me of the times when Chief Chub had been in my shoes. Sam and Arya circled around me like wolves, their eyes full of hunger.
“C’mon Ryze, just a sample.”
“Nuh-uh, you’re not going to trick me twice with that ‘Sampling’ bullshit. I learned my lesson.” Sam inched closer and I cracked him over the head, “seriously, how does one person drink that much soup that fast?”
He shrugged unabashed, “I was hungry.”
“I could have fed a small village with that much soup!”
“You’re exaggerating.”
Noah exited the tower pulling on his greatcoat, “as someone from the countryside, I can confidently say that he is not exaggerating.”
Val piped up at the sound of his voice, “Noah save me!”
“Huh,” he asked looking bewildered, “from what?”
She pointed at me, “That evil, evil man. He’s using me as slave labor.”
“Shouldn’t you be asking Cassie for help? She is your team leader.”
“Alas my brave leader was swooned by his honeyed words, she will be of no assistance.”
“Why are you talking like that?” I asked, “Stop, you’re making it sound like I hypnotized her!”
“Ryze, what are you making her do?”
I opened my mouth to respond but Val cut me off, “He’s forcing me to use my magic to roast food, such cruel treatment.”
“Quit being so dramatic, we wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t blown up the yard like a dwarven suicide bomber.”
“You did WHAT!”
“Weren’t you in your room for that?”
“No, I was at the market making some final preparations.”
I turned my attention back to the two mongrels trying to steal the food, Arya was just a few feet away. She noticed me and stopped, hand outstretched, “you wouldn’t hit a girl right?”
“I yearn for true gender equality, step away from the lamb and we won’t have any trouble.”
“What a gentleman.” She said sarcastically.
“Eh, I don’t care. Illia turn the spit twenty degrees.”
Thirty minutes later, the lamb had fully cooked.
“Val, would you be so kind as to fetch my sword?” I asked sweetly, ignoring her glare. She came out holding my weapon as far away from her body as she could. I took it from her and with several quick cuts sliced it into parts.
“Now you can eat it.”
I looked at my pad, “wow that’s got to be some kind of record.”
Sam looked up, his face covered in grease and grains of rice, “swfat vuz Kdat.”
Cassie cuffed him over the head, “don’t talk while your mouth is full you philistine!”
“Where did the word philistine come from?”
“The word originated in the northwestern fief of modern-day Kolin.” Alex said, “it was once known as the kingdom of Philip. The people there were said to be brutish, barbaric, and brain dead. Thus the term philistine.”
“How do you know that?”
“Arya asked me what it meant because Cassie calls her that all the time so I searched it up in the library.”
“You had time for that but not studying for the test?”
“My reasons are beyond your understanding.”
Sam swallowed, “Liar, you just wanted some cooc-”
“SO HOW IS THE FOOD?” I cut in, that was not something we needed to discuss while eating.
“It’s fantastic, if we were still in Byrum I would have made you my personal servant.”
“That would have been an offer right?”
“No.”
“I see.”
“Well, we should get to bed, tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”