"I'm just moving in circles," Aperio said with a sigh, her wings appearing inside the mattress much like they did with her throne. But I also somehow move farther away from those I hold dear.
"Then stop dodging around the subject," Caethya said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "It will hurt, but avoiding the topic will not help anyone."
Aperio knew that, of course, but she did not know how to deal with the situation either. Talking about it was easier said than done, as she found it hard to express herself.
Perhaps she could find a way to convey her memories like Caethya had suggested, but she would not wish those experiences on anyone. Except perhaps the slavers… They could stand to know what it felt like to be on the receiving end of their machinations.
"I just need to figure out how," Aperio mumbled, opening a portal in front of the gateway outside in response to a prayer from Laelia.
"What was that?" Caethya asked, sitting up. "Did you do something?"
"Laelia wished to return with her children," Aperio replied. "I opened a portal for her and let her know where she might find rooms for them and herself.
"I can ready one for you too, if you wish," she continued, glancing at Caethya. Preparing a few rooms for her Scion next to her own had been easy, only a slight touch of her magic needed to transport the few things that should not be there and remove the last bits of dust.
Her disciple looked at her for a moment, her mouth opening as if to speak before she closed it and looked away, the tip of her ears taking on a slight red hue. "I would be grateful if you did."
Aperio arched a brow at the woman's behaviour. "You can have this chamber if you wish. I do not have much use for it; nothing is quite as comfortable as my Void.
"Unless you wish to share it with me," the All-Mother added after a moment. Caethya had made her feelings quite clear, but Aperio was not sure how the Elf would interpret the arrangement. "I do not mind, but I am not sure what you expect. You might also find Brenia and Maria going through your things when I bring them here."
"I would like to share," Caethya mumbled. "Even if you are rarely here.Aside from my feelings on the matter, I think it would be good for you. After all, you did seek companionship in your time of need."
Aperio nodded slightly in reply. Her disciple was correct, she did seek her out; wanted to be comforted. To what end that would help her, she still did not know. What she did know, however, was that talking — as long as it was not about her past — to her disciple felt good, that her presence was soothing despite the discomfort she had experienced at Caethya's touch. Some memories just don't want to leave me alone…
"But," Caethya began, "you are doing it again. Distracting yourself from the problem at hand."
"I still do not know how I should…solve this problem, or even approach it," Aperio said, shifting her wings slightly. The tingling that filled them was still pleasant in a way, almost as though she had made the mattress and her throne for the explicit purpose of comfort. Makes sense for the bed, but the throne?
"Talking about it is not as easy as it sounds. Not being able to forget what they did to me is bad enough; telling you or someone else? No. I do not want to relive the hell I had to endure."
"Then don't talk," Caethya said, turning to face Aperio. "Show me what happened to you. Help me understand. I know you do not want me to feel what you did, the pain you had to endure. But it is better than doing nothing."
The All-Mother held her disciple's gaze for a moment before averting her eyes. No matter how much it might help and how willing Caethya was, she could not show her what had happened to her.
Could not show her the feeling of dissection, her body being split open for viewing and mocking. The feeling of mutilation, happening so often that she had gotten a knack for knowing what kind of knife was used on her flesh by the nature of the pain she was in. The distinct horror of watching her entrails be draped on poles in an 'artful' display above her, being fed just enough potions to be kept alive, and her eyelids temporarily carved away so she was forced to observe every twitch, every squirm of that which should rightly be within her. The feeling of foul, eager breath in her face as she was violated by an endless parade of both men and women — so many that she had all but lost count. The sick horror that came when she was with child, again, knowing that it would end with dissection, with the cruel knife slicing the emerging life out of her, forced to only observe as they found 'entertaining' and unusual ways to terminate her unborn child.
How could she let someone she cared about have the visceral knowledge of what it felt like to have their skin peeled from their flesh? How could she let a fellow Elf experience the slicing off of ears, and the ocean of shock and shame that came from the mage's laughter as they showed what they had cut off — her 'imperfection'.
Caethya's hand brushing along her arm caused Aperio to flinch, reality twisting apart as she vanished from the bed and reappeared in a low crouch with her wings slightly flared on the other side of the room, weapon in hand.
It took Aperio a moment to realise what she had done, her swordstaff vanishing back into her Void as she folded her wings behind her back. A tiny flex of her mental muscles brought her back into the bed, a bit further away from Caethya.
She increased the draw on her well, also bringing a bit of her Void into the room. Its soothing nature wrapped around her, and she found relief in its embrace.
"I don't think this will work," Aperio mumbled, glancing briefly at her disciple. If even a short look at her memories resulted in a torrent like this, doing anything that would help with her issues would be nigh impossible. "Why does it have to be so vivid?"
"Because you are, well, you," Caethya replied, moving to touch Aperio before pulling her hand back, fidgeting with her dress instead. "Barring what is stopping you from remembering your more distant past, I would assume you have perfect memory."
Aperio frowned at the words, a small part of her mind delegating itself to helping Laelia move some of the more unwieldy things Penbrook's healers required. It was true that she could recall every moment she had lived through, in greater detail than she had thought possible.
A deeper look into some less unpleasant memories revealed things she had most certainly never noticed as a mortal. It was almost as though her aura had always been there, even when she was a slave. She could remember the runes engraved all over the library, how the mana flowed between them. Aperio could feel the collar’s magic flow through her body, twisting its natural mana in ways that made her sick just to observe it.
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"That makes no sense. How can I remember things I was not able to see?"
Caethya did not reply immediately, moving herself a bit closer to Aperio. The All-Mother tensed at the motion. The last thing she wanted right now was being touched. Her disciple stopped, likely not wanting her Goddess to teleport away again.
"Even as a mortal you were still you," she said, her eyes darting erratically over Aperio's form. "Whatever happened might have put in a mortal body, but your soul — you — is perhaps uncontainable."
"I do not have a soul," Aperio said quietly. Admitting it hurt, but as best she could tell, she did not have a soul. Nothing that would be her source of power — nothing that would be her.
"You do not…?" Caethya asked slowly, her eyes settling on Aperio's own. "How? Everyone has a soul."
"I only have a bottomless well of mana; of power," Aperio replied, averting her gaze. "There is nothing that feeds it — no source. No soul." Just a pit of power.
Her disciple remained quiet, simply staring at her. Aperio could feel Caethya's magic flow around her, the Elf seemingly trying to figure something out.
"Are you sure?" she finally asked, moving her hand towards her Goddess before thinking better of it.
Aperio sighed in reply, directing her senses inward in an effort to find the end of her well. She had not yet truly tried to find the bottom of her ocean of mana, having trusted the feeling at the back of her mind that told her there was none.
No matter how far her mind reached into her well, all she found was the silver mana she had come to call her own. There was always some motion in the ocean, some of her mana leaving and some returning — where it had gone or what it had done were not things she knew. Probably the System.
The only thing she was able to observe that she had not noticed before was that the mana in her well got purer the deeper she went. Whatever the System or she herself used from the upper layers would return deep in her well, in a purer state. Interesting.
She had to look quite deep to find the purity that was currently coursing through her body, pushing it past any semblance of reasonable. But, it was not the purest it could get, she knew that, and looking even further down only confirmed it.
After a while her mana lost its almost liquid form, simply existing in her well. Aperio drew a tiny amount of it into her body, gasping as it spread through her in a wave of heat. She stopped immediately, the tiny drop having advanced her body further than the other mana had ever managed.
What? Aperio wondered, not moving away as Caethya's hand approached her much slower than it should. She could see lips moving, but there was no sound. It took the All-Mother a moment longer to notice that she could not move, that her body was no longer connected to herself.
She looked down, or at least she thought she did, but she could already see in every direction at once — could see the city down below. Feel the planet beneath her. There was also a small presence in space, dancing around her ever-expanding form — Consciousness? — in joy. Diskrye?
Much like the manifestation of space, she currently did not have a form. In a sense, Aperio was her aura. She could sense every tiny detail, could touch — change it — with but a thought.
The All-Mother focused on Verenier, her temple, not wanting to know all there was in her creation. There was a presence in Ebenlowe, one that tried to get her attention, but Aperio felt uneasy and did not want to linger in this form; did not want to become a formless mass of thoughts. The ability to easily see all that there was was overwhelming, and it was with only a thought that she returned to her body.
For a moment it felt cramped, the shell that was her body too small to contain what might be her true form. A thought brought more of the pure-but-formless mana to bear, Aperio trusting the guidance of her instincts to allow her to return to a more corporeal state.
Caethya was looking around frantically, seemingly being able to feel Aperio spread through the room. Laelia, too, had stopped what she was doing, her brows creasing as she looked around trying to determine the source of what she felt. Even Maria down below in Ebenlowe had awoken from her sleep, simply staring straight up at the temple as her hands fidgeted with her night gown.
Aperio reached out to all of them at once, trying to tell them that they need not worry. They all froze, the All-Mother seemingly having misjudged the strength used in her communication. It only took a moment longer for her body to adapt, and as it took a deep breath Aperio flowed back inside it.
Her disciple was still frozen in place, staring at her with unblinking eyes. A quick check revealed that she was fine, physically at least. She was obviously in shock, though Aperio could not quite understand why. It was by no means the first time she had talked to any of her followers in that way, and neither was it the first time that she had flooded their surroundings with her mana.
"Is everything alright?" she asked, trying to keep as much of her power out of her voice; a task that had gotten a lot harder now. She also reached out to Maria and Laelia, trying to use as little mana as she could to convey the message.
"What did you do?" Caethya asked, her voice barely a whisper. "I could feel you everywhere, overwhelming me with your mere existence. And now, you are radiating more power than ever before. Can you even exist in a body properly?"
Aperio tilted her head slightly, inspecting herself through her aura while having a similar conversation with both Laelia and Maria. Much like before, her appearance hadn't altered much despite the changes that had happened.
The subtle glow beneath her skin was a little more pronounced, leading to her features appearing slightly sharper than before. If that continues, I won't even look like a mortal anymore.
She was already far removed from what most could ever achieve, her body not necessarily adhering to the rules of mortals — or even the divine — as it took the image and shape she desired. And it's not just the wings…
Her desire for strength had manifested itself quite obviously, her muscles now being almost unnaturally well defined. As she observed the new and sharper curves her body had acquired, she also noticed that her wish to be unmarred had also made itself evident. She had thought herself to be perfect before, but now even the tiniest creases that appeared when she bent her limbs were gone.
"I can," Aperio replied, despite not being quite sure herself. "I have no desire to be a formless thing. I wish to live amongst the mortals; have a life. If that means I have to push my body past its previous limitations, then so be it. I will find a way to make it work."
Caethya, much like Maria, remained quiet, seemingly not quite sure what to say. Her Scion had taken it much better, simply asking for a warning the next time Aperio decided to become everything for a while. Has she experienced this before?
The All-Mother shook her head lightly, focusing instead on Caethya and Maria as they both seemed to be unable to process what had just happened. Not that I really know what that was either… She assumed that what she had briefly experienced was her true form, even if it was essentially formless. It had felt good — right — but it would have taken away the ability to interact with those she held dear. Aperio had little doubt that, in the worst case scenario, she could have found a way to make herself another body. Ferio had once said that she currently looked the way she did 'when she decided to have a body', after all.
What she did not like was she had no idea how long that might take, and she was most certainly not ready to be alone with her thoughts and the ability to do anything on a mere whim. That was a slippery road that Aperio thought would lead her right to her old self.
A shift in the mana outside her temple caught her attention. A visitor? Aperio thought as a gold and white portal slowly materialised. Once it had finished forming, three people stepped through. Two mortals, and what Aperio assumed to be a Goddess.
The divine, however, was not what kept her attention. She knew the two mortals that accompanied her. Had almost killed one of them before. What is Kiro doing here?