Spike and I have been doing this for a long, long time. If you spend any amount of time in this job, you're gonna learn a bunch of shit that you'd never want to learn. For example, the right way to grapple a lubed-up junkie so that not only can they not get away, but they can't reach around and pull on your taint like the emergency cord on a parachute. Or the fact that orgies can be categorized into two types:

The fun orgies, and the bad orgies.

The fun ones are the ones you see in movies and porn. The comfy king sized bed, two hotties to each dude, tonnes of lube and shaven bodies mixing together in an attempt to reach the ultimate climax.

The bad ones are a bit different. Usually there's feces involved, and at least one dude with a spiked cock ring. On occasion, you'd see a horse or some other well-endowed animal. It almost seems painful, forced, and often frenzied. Like a hate fucking between a resisting husband and a specifically malicious wife. Except they're both on fire. And the gas is on downstairs.

More often than not, when walking into a black-lit underground sex dungeon that's lit up like the fourth of July with bodily juices, the floor sticky enough to catch small-sized dogs in its grasp, the sounds of painful grunting and agonizing screams overwhelming the frantic EDM being played in the background, you're walking into a bad orgie.

“Think that's her?”, I ask, pointing towards a blonde woman in the center of the action, a midget elbow-deep in her backside while another man takes her from the front. Another woman is lying underneath her, fondling her breasts. “I think she's vomiting…”

Spike pulls out his phone, holding it up to compare the picture we were provided with to… This thing.

“She’s lost A LOT of weight, I’ll give her that.”

“Guzzling nothing but semen seems to do that to people,” I say, nodding my head towards the pile. A horse lets out a neigh from within. “After you.”

“Not a chance, shithead. I took the last dive, it’s your turn.”

“You had to get in between three dudes and the target! Before that I fucking waded through the entire cast of ‘World’s biggest loser’, and I gotta say, they all got my vote!”

Spike rubs his head, thinking.

“If you go in this time, I’ll take you to the all-you-can-eat buffet.”

My shrunken stomach screams at the thought, and my vision goes black for a second, thinking about the food.

“Fuck you. You know me too well.”

I pull my gloves up tighter, say a quick goodbye to my clothes, and wade in.

It’s sticky.

Why the fuck is it sticky?

What do you have to do, to make a fucking orgy sticky?

I feel something grab my shoe. It pulls hard on it, attempting to drag me to the ground. I relent, and give up the shoe as a sacrifice. I see the hand pull it into the mass of bodies, gone forever. I hear a loud sniff come from that direction, followed by sounds of relief. I weep silently, as I lay my sock on the sticky ground. Five seconds in and I’ve already lost a part of me. I lift my other foot, pieces of the sole tearing as I try to lift it off the tiles. I try lift my other foot, the sock I’m wearing lifting off my foot, stuck to the ground. I look at it and see it has bonded on a molecular level to the ground. There’s no ways in shit I’m putting my bare foot on the ground.

I look around, trying to find a solution. My balance is good, but it’s not good enough to keep standing on one leg forever. Suddenly, out the corner of my eye, I see my doom approaching.

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A lady(?) in a gimp outfit, crawling towards me. The lube clinging to her rubber suit lets her glide over the surface, much like a snake glides over the sand dunes in the desert. She’s spotted her prey, a poor defenseless mouse, stuck in the sand. She increases her pace, quickly crawling towards me on her belly.

“Fuck this.”

As she gets close enough, I plant my bare foot on her back. She lets out a slight moan as she freezes in place, not wanting this newfound feeling of being used as a step to stop. After spending a second making sure I don’t slide off of her, I try to pull my other foot up off the floor.

My other boot is stuck.

I tug a bit harder, putting some more force on my newfound safety island. She lets out a louder moan as the pressure I’m exerting on her increases. After a few seconds, I lean down and reluctantly undo my shoelaces.

Another one, gone to the void.

I plant my other foot on her back, and take a second to survey my surroundings. During my struggle, the masses have shifted. I’ve been surrounded, lubed up flesh on all sides of me. They start to close in on me, suffocating me with their warmth. I scan the mounds of flesh, trying to find our lady.

I spot her, about ten meters to my right. She’s on her back now, underneath a beautiful white horse. Poor thing looks just as traumatized about this experience as I am.

I start to crawl towards her, over the top of the writhing flesh. An occasional moan comes from below me as my weight passes over them. Finally I reach her, the ground slippery for a change. I don’t wanna think about why.

“Lee Davids?” I ask, standing next to the stallion that she’s currently occupied with.

“Who’s asking?” she asks, moving her head so she can see me better.

“Just a friend, I heard about you from someone I know and wanted to talk. Mind getting outta this for a bit?”

“Talk is cheap, honey. And I don’t do cheap. I don’t waste my time with people who haven’t explored my upper organs yet.”

Wow, fuck, okay then. Guess the easy route isn’t an option.

“I’m gonna have to insist,” I say, grabbing one of her hands and slipping a cuff on it, “your husband misses you.”

“Let go of me, you sick fuck!” She screams, pulling against the cuff. A few people turn towards us, looking at what all the commotion is. “Help me! He’s trying to take me away!”

That got them started.

Seems they don’t like people leaving.

The whole room goes quiet as they all pop their limbs out of each other, and stand. Well, most of them stand. They turn towards me in unison, their minds connected. With my free hand, I fumble for my waistband, taking out my gun and firing two shots into the ceiling.

“Now everyone back the fuck up! Me and the lady here have some business to attend to!”

The crowd doesn’t even flinch.

In fact, I think some of them are even more aroused.

“You fucking idiot! Do you realize where you are?!” I hear Spike scream from the other side of the room.

I think for a second, trying to figure out what he means.

The panting bodies in front of me lurch closer.

“Ah, fuck.”

I just brought a whole new level of excitement to this party.

The thought of potentially fucking dying is a whole new turn-on for these people.

I grab Mrs Davids and sling her over the horses back. She kicks out weakly in protest, she’s lost too much liquid to put up any real fight though. I turn to look back, seeing the crowd of naked bodies slowly coming closer as people try to remember how to walk. Some don’t even try, swiftly crawling along their bellies towards me.

I grab the horses mane, swinging myself on its back. Mrs David’s slung in front of me. I turn the horse towards where I heard Spike’s voice, and kick it as hard as I can.

It lets out a whinny, and gallops towards the exit. Barreling into whoever’s in front of it, knocking the lucky ones to the side. I hear bones cracking underneath us, as well as screams of pain, as this poor beast gets some revenge on the people who wronged it. Some of the horde tries to stop us, grabbing at the horse and its mane in an attempt to slow us down, but their hands just slide off, leaving streaks on the horses hide.

I spot the staircase, completely clear with no one in site. Spike must’ve ran when he saw me climb on the horse. The fucking bastard.

“Hiyah!” I shout, giving the horse another good kick to the side. It rears in response, pushing towards the stairs. I duck my head as we pass through its entrance, the horse leaping up the stairs effortlessly. Gotta give it to these freaks, they chose a prize horse.

We burst out the door, knocking the bouncer to the side. I hear gasps coming from the vacationers all around me. For a second, I can picture this sight from their perspective. A tall, casually-dressed man with shaggy brown hair, riding a lubed-up white stallion, with a naked, glistening, handcuffed lady lying across its back kicking and screaming, bursting out of a club at a full gallop into the busy mid-morning streets. If this doesn’t make the news, someone isn’t doing their job.

I spot Spike running towards me, from the side of the club. He’s swinging his one arm in the air, pointing towards the club door with his other. I turn to look, and see the horrors of the deep coming to the surface.

The orgy.

They’re filing out of the club door, all glistening bodies and tight leather. Leading the front is none other than the gimp girl I used as a step.

“Come back to us, don’t leave! I love you!” she screams, jelly legs guiding her ever closer to us. I feel a chill run down my spine. Seems she’s grown attached to the abuse I gave her.

“Hop the fuck on, we gotta get outta here!” I scream to Spike, holding out my hand to him. He grabs it and hops on behind me, wrapping his one arm around me for support. I kick the poor stallion again, turning it away from the Lovecraftian horror. We break away at full speed, in an attempt to evade our nightmares. After a while, I gather enough courage to sneak a glance behind me, seeing the orgy slowly making their way back to the depths of that depraved land.

In the middle of the street, stands a lone gimp. Staring wistfully back at me.

I feel a shiver run through me, and turn back towards the front of the horse.

Towards freedom.