Logrom and I had been walking and talking for about 20 minutes after his outburst about the dwarvish curse, but luckily dwarves seemed to be a very resilient people and Logrom was back to his ole cheery, boisterous, sailor mounted self in no time. The fact that the man was not some bleak shell of a person after the tragedy that had befallen him and his race was actually rather astounding. In just about 20 minutes he was already blustering on about dwarven culture and its glory, while dwarven culture did have its little eccentricities that were odd yet funny, like the husband and wife shouting matches being a sport to the dwarves. Dwarven culture was not defined by these strange behaviours. Dwarf culture was actually founded on the worship of the 10 ancestor kings and queens that had risen the dwarven city state of Last Stand to a country that had occupied half the continent. These kings and queens of legend were Armok The First Smith, Gimli The Reclaimer, Nismora The Valkyrie, Ignora The Adamant, Gyrkyl The Ever Loyal, Urist The Clown Slayer, Gymsora The Untier, Armnir The Builder, Magmar The Honorable, and, finally, the last and actual current ancestor king. He had allowed the dwarves to survive to the point they did under his supervision, which by itself had earned him the title of ancestor king. They called him Eldest, for he was the only living dwarf who had survived the cataclysm hundreds of years ago to this day. His full title was Eldest The Wise, for only through this ancient crusty dwarf's wisdom had the dwarves survived till now.
He was also, according to Logrom, quite possibly the most badass dwarf that wasn't a God who ever lived, maybe even stronger than Urist Clown Slayer. Hundreds of years of hardship, along with the fact that dwarves got tougher and stronger with age, meant that Eldest had been forged into a absolute terror in combat. Not only was Eldest tough as a Adamant brick at this point, but also quite literally able to crush enchanted plate armor with his bare hands. Though I think Logrom explained it better, "Eldest is one of tha few dwarves I would not even fight blackout drunk, not only have I seen him stop tha charge of ah Rocarz Juggernaut dead in its tracks with ah greatshield, which if ya have never seen or heard've ah Rocarz Juggernaut before, I've personally seen that same Juggernaut charge through fortifications of heavily enchanted steel battlements. They are tha nightmare of dwarf artitechs everywhere, but not only did Eldest stop its charge, tha crazy bastard knocked it over, if you've never seen ah four foot dwarf jump kick over ah monster that's 20 feet tall, while yellin at his fellow dwarves to make sure tha feastin hall is ready for a surplus of Rocarz meat, you're missin out me friend. Not just because Rocarz meat is magically delicious. So listen to ma advice when I say to listen when eldest speaks, not only is he terrifyin when he wants to be, but he isn't wise for nothin, dwarf has ah sixth sense for good and bad decisions, no matter how tough a dwarf ya are you don't survive witha luck score of -100 for long makin big mistakes all tha time."
The point seemed to be that the ancestor kings and queens were all very important for a reason, as each king was named an eternal ancestor king for merit and not out of flights of fancy or any amount of political maneuvering. Each ancestor, when they were named, also had a tradition that was established based on their deeds that was established when they were named an ancestor that every dwarf was expected to follow. Each time these traditions were established they changed dwarven culture drastically. For instance, the first ancestor king Armok The Smith and now God of the Dwarven Pantheon after his ascension from crafting the Axe Of Ascension, had established the Tradition Of Smithing, which made it so any proper dwarf was required to be taught at least novice smithing in school. Which by the standards of other races was smithing skills of at least a journeymen smith, they also made many other small changes which made smithing a very attractive job to have in dwarven lands. Dwarves had very high quality standards and took craftsmanship very seriously. The tradition that Eldest had established was the tradition of Temperance And Wisdom, all dwarves throughout the land were required to go through The Gauntlet at the age of 30 after which they were considered adults, I had asked Logrom what is in the Gauntlet and he simply chuckled and shook his head before telling me. "Sorry friend but that's a dwarven secret that I don't want to and am not allowed to divulge, unless the current Ruler of dwarvenkind names you a Honorary Dwarf, which unless you do something more foolish heroic is impossible. Nothing against you ma friend, your even the kind of person I would drink ale with, but some dwarven secrets are closely guarded for good reason."
There were ten Traditions that defined dwarven culture at differing levels, each making large changes to the way dwarven society functioned, and the through the power of the dwarven gods, changed the dwarves themselves. I wanted to ask Logrom about Urist The Clown Slayers Tradition Of Clown Slaying, as I was pretty sure that dwarves had no reason to hate clowns that much, but as I was about to ask why part of dwarven culture was based around killing jesters in heavy makeup Logrom shushed me and pointed to a rocky outcropping on the horizon. "See that thing that looks like a rock outcroppin on tha horizon, just focus on it really hard for a second." And so I did, putting the most intense scrutiny I could into staring at this piece of rock, and then slowly the image of a rocky outcropping started to fade away like a after image and it behind that illusion was the image of a gigantic wall of jet black metal with lines of another silvery metal going through it, it also had glowing runic markings of various colors adding to the impression it had of a unassailable fortress, not to mention that the walls seemed to even from here to be mind bogglingly tall. "Well never let it be said that the dwarves can't build some badass fortresses."
"Ah broke through tha illusion already huh?, you must have some good willpower in that noggin of yours, I was just gonna let yah struggle for a bit before I showed you how ta break through tha illusion. But here you are ruinin all me fun, what's a dwarf to do if he can't play some jokes on his friends?" Logrom of course did the trademark eyebrow waggle that usually came along with his attempts at practical jokes. I rolled my eyes with a slight smile on my face at his antics, though he did try to mess with me in some way every 5 minutes, it was the good kind of jabbing that friends did to eachother, and had no chance of getting me hurt so I really didn't mind. "So that's the Last Stand huh? I would call it impressive but that would practically be a insult to whatever dwarf built the thing, that thing isn't a Fortress, it's like a kingdom all it's own!"
"Ah, if ya think that tha outer walls are that impressive, ya might have trouble hidin yere manly tears of amazement at tha inner walls. Ah piece of livin history tha Last Stand is, originally commanded to be built by Armok himself to be tha first great dwarven city and fortress in our history. Then upgraded by Armnir Tha Builder and the building that got him named an Ancestor, ya see, tha last stand while already impressive built by some of the best dwarven architects of old out of enchanted steel multiple feet thick. Didn't hold a candle to what Armnir made it into, Armnir tore down every defensive fortification there and rebuilt it stronger than ever out of pure Blacksteel, with Adamant veins runnin through it and then on topa that had the best abujuration casters he could find, dwarven or not, drown the walls in defensive magics and trap spells for any poor soul dumb enough to try and attack the dwarves in it. Now we have The Last Stand, a pure Blacksteel Fortress with walls 80 feet tall and 6 feet thick, that is so steeped in defensive magic, that in tha battle after it was named tha World Eater horde of about 5.7 million beasties of many different species, tha one that had near consumed tha entire Kingdom of Arcadia. was defeated in ah siege that lasted 1 week of time, with only casualties comparatively small to the enemy force of about four thousand five hundred dwarves, with tha enemy being near wiped out by tha combined forces of one thousand dwarven siege weapons, Mastercrafted Flamespitter weaponry, Dwarven Aegis Guards on tha walls, and tha Artifact cannon Titan Breaker, it was one for tha history books mah friend. And no force on Eo has dared to try ta take on tha dwarves of Last Stand since, and no amount of bad luck could ever nullify the advantage that tha Fortress brings us.
We have owned this city as the cradle of dwarven civilization since the beginning when we were just ah small city state thousands of years ago, back when the first dwarves crawled out of the stone from the heart of these very mountains. It is out cradle and birthplace, and I if it must be so, I will also be proud to call it our grave, let it be ah monument to tha dwarves so we may never be forgotten, even if that rememberance is just that dwarves once built this great bastion. But whatever our first and last home may become in tha future, I will always be proud to say that I lived here as one of tha dwarven people. Welcome Gabriel Norris to tha last great Dwarven Fortress of The Last Stand, I hope ya enjoy yere stay, though were sadly lacking in tourist spots compared to say tha mage tower of Pinnacle, but Think you’ll still like us better after some high quality Dwarven Mead and Cuisine. You humans know how to make Cheese, Mushrooms, or Barbecue about as well as a dwarf can write elvish poetry. If ya buy tha first round i’ll see if I can manage to get some Glowing Riscot cheese for ya so you can finally have true faith in tha dwarven God of Cooking, Ale and Beauty Brunhilda Meadborn, you’ll find for dwarves that those 3 go hand and hand. To ah dwarf there’s nothin more beautiful then comin home from a long and hard, yet successful day at tha forge and findin yere lass at tha door witha meat, cheese, and mushroom kabob and cold mead in hand askin ya how yere day was. Anyways we only have about 30 minutes of walkin left ta go and then I can show ya true beauty in tha liquid gold form of Dwarf Ale, now pick up tha pace ma girl Gelri is probably missin me and thinkin about datin another dwarf cause I might be dead. And then I would have ta fight another dwarf to restore ma honor, and I’ve had enough fightin for today after gettin covered in Finley’s brains.
And so we set off to the Fortress on the horizon, and as the fortress grew larger in my vision it only became more impressive. Every inch of the dwarven walls were not only covered in glowing runes which I guessed to be the warding magic that Logrom was talking about, it was also covered in murals and carvings of different scenes into the walls themselves, not only that but all of them beautifully flowed into the next like pieces of history and victories, hardships, losses, and events that seemed vitally important in some fashion, every piece of the wall was given detail and artistry that a single person could spend a lifetime on and call it a masterpiece like that of mona lisa, but there were thousands of them.
“Ah interested in tha artistry are ya? When I said that Last Stand was a piece ah livin history I meant it in more ways than one, one of tha last acts of Armnir Tha Builder was to pray to tha dwarven Gods to make sure this fortress and tha dwarves would always be remembered throughout time. So they say tha dwarven gods for tha first time in hundreds of years left their respective divine realms and got in ah room together to make an enchantment that would last forever, since that day every time ah important event that happens that involves ah dwarf takes place, ah depiction of that event embeddeds itself into tha walls of Last Stand forever. Fascinating isn’t it?, tha entire history of tha dwarves or at least every piece of it that matters to tha dwarves is somewhere on these walls, from when the dwarves first made alcohol, to about 3 hours later when ah dwarf first got into ah the first drunken brawl. This is all of dwarven history in tha form of art, and no amount of pansie elven artists could ever top it, if you would allow a dwarf his pride.”
“Of course you can be proud of such a fantastic monument of your people, it would be insane not to be. If my country had anything like this I probably wouldn’t be as bitter as I am about it, also remind me when we have a long time to talk to tell you where I come from, it’s a rather long story.”
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“Aye, I’ve been wondering about that meself, I have my suspicions about yere origins but I don’t want ta jump ta any conclusions and be called crazy by you or ma brethren. Wouldn’t want ta scare off the first human with any spine I meet in ma lifetime, I gotta show you off ta ma friends like ah rare jewel or magic item. Maybe if i’m lucky you’ll get enough attention for me to pawn you of to a noble or rich merchant and then i’ll never have to fish and risk gettin killed by fish ever again.”
“Yes Logrom save your drunken fantasies for when were actually drunk, plus without me to show off how would you impress the dwarven ladies with your incredibly rare brave human? I honestly thought you had more foresight then that.”
“First off, who ever said I wasn’t drunk, and secondly ya might have ah point if not for tha fact that ah love me lass to much to even think about other women, and also she’d kill me, so it’s you with tha lack of foresight ma friend, cheatin on ah dwarven woman is tha fastest way to lose yere manhood ya know.”
We stared fiercely into eachothers eyes challenging each others viewpoints in a battle of sheer wit and scholarly acumen… and then we laughed as we walked getting closer to the dwarven city and by extension to some more quality provisions than just dried mushrooms and Mullae jerky. After about 20 more minutes of walking and talking we found ourselves at the gates of the mighty dwarven settlement were two tired and bored looking guards looked me over suspiciously.
“Oi Logrom where ya been and who’s tha tag along, you seem to still be alive and in one piece despite going so far outside of town, but bad luck still seems to have brought something nasty back with ya.”
“Oh pull tha stick out of yere arse Bromull and just truth see ma friend over here, he saved mah life ya fuckin taint licker, and if you insult him yere gonna have words with ma wife and me, and you know she’ll snap ya in half with her bare hands like ah goblin sword to ah dwarven mace.” The guard looked at Logrom with angry eyes but otherwise complied, and proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions that became increasingly more personal, it started with do you intend to harm the dwarves in this fort and eventually became how many times have I shit myself as an adult, after which his partner punched him in the back of the head and knocked him unconscious.
“Sorry about Bromull lad, but he doesn’t like humans on tha best of days, especially after one of them sneaked into his house and stole all of his mead, he’s also kinda an arsehole when he’s tired, like a big cranky baby. Anyways ya passed tha test to come in, wait a bit while I mission control to teleport you in, just stand in that circle over there and we'll get you right inside.”
He then talked to someone or another on what seemed to be a glowing blue and yellow marble while me and Logrom walked onto a circular platform on the ground made of a dark greenish metal that after about 25 minutes of hearing the guard talk to someone on the other end, mostly it was them confirming that a human had passed the truth test and making sure I wasn’t jailed for suspicion by other dwarves in the city. After those 25 minutes the go ahead was given and the platform began glowing a soft green light and in a flash of that green light I found myself transported to what seemed to be a marketplace that was fairly empty.
“Tha streets are fairly empty at this timea night, If ya want to find some other dwarves you’d have to go ta ah tavern, which luckily for us is exactly where we're going. Follow me companion, were going to get you pissed on dwarven ale or mah name isn’t Logrom Grumblespine!”
And so Logrom led me to a tavern dubbed “The Raging Cock” which had the image of a very angry looking chicken on its front. This tavern was also surrounded by what Logrom said was called the Ale Guard that was responsible for basically babysitting dwarves while they were drunken so they couldn’t do anything that would hurt themselves or those around them, as a dwarf was more prone to suffer the bad effects of the curse and make some really bad decisions while drunk. The idea of dwarves giving up alcohol was unthinkable for them, so the Ale Guard was born so dwarves could get shitfaced and have rowdy parties as safely as you could as a dwarf.
While the city streets were mostly deserted, the tavern was still very much filled with dwarves, that is also when I finally and happily confirmed my suspicion that female dwarves didn’t have beards, though from their figures everything else I had been told by Logrom about dwarven biology was completely true, as every barmen had arms and chest like a bodybuilder and while the dwarves were about 4 feet 6 inches tall including the males, with the female barmaids it was rather hard not to notice their ahem, assets that they had for their lower body, if I wasn’t already taken I might’ve been actually a bit embarrassed about Logrom’s comments about me being enamoured by true dwarven beauty. A thing that I found awesome about dwarven culture was that while it was very macho, both the dudes and dudettes acted the same way, and it seemed they had a rather even amount of barmen and barmaids for both male and female audiences to ogle.
And the workers didn’t really seem to mind a bicep or crotch squeezed here or a ass slapped there, and in fact some seemed to enjoy the attention, which was a big departure from the rather puritan culture of earth were sexuallity was a sacred thing that should be closely guarded. Which I honestly me or my wife never really understood, the only reason I wasn’t really interested in the rather short but beautiful women was that at this point in time I really missed my wife and didn’t really have eyes for anyone but her right now. Maybe that would change in time but right now even if I was getting eyes from the more curious and more drunk dwarven women I currently wasn’t interested in anything but trying food from a completely different world, getting completely pissed drunk and partying with a new friend until I work up in the morning with a headache that would make even a dwarf cry.
Which was exactly what I was about to do, Logrom seemed to recognize one table of people and led me over towards them. “Hey you rowdy bastards how ya been!” Logrom shouted out to them.
“Oi Logrom ya still alive after takin another ill advised trip to tha outer edges of dwarven territory? You just might be tha luckiest dwarf in existence, but that’s not sayin much honestly”
“Ah shut yere trap Hulmyr, if we wanted to hear another of yere speeches we would’ve already tied ye to ah steel pole, stabbed it in tha table, and poked ya with sticks until ya blathered on about the survival of the dwarven race some more. Gabriel these are me mates and matettes, Hulmyr, Morgrim, Torigg, Redbelle, and Brilldess, you fuckin crazy lot have the honor of meetin ma new best friend Gabriel Norris, he both passed tha truth test, saved me from a 600 pound flyin fish and more importantly doesn’t seem like ah total prick thus far, unlike tha rest of ya.”
The redheaded girl dwarf named Redbelle spoke up “What Logrom, Gelri not enough for ya anymore, need ta spice up tha relationship with some manly affection? Or is your hammer just no longer enough for Gelri’s anvil on it’s own?” It looked like Logrom was about to bring a comeback to Redbelle, but I held up my hand in a I got this motion then centered my gaze on Redbelle as the entire table held their breath and waited for what would be my introduction to the group.
“No Logrom’s hammer works just fine from the uncomfortable amount he’s told me, i’m just here because he told me about his desperate friend Redbelle who is down on her luck because no dwarf in the city will bed her. As they say that she has warts as ugly as her personality in strange places, and has journeyed far and wide to find a human who doesn’t how foul the nether regions or heart may be, because Logrom is the best friend a dwarf could have. I say that you should buy Logrom a round of ale for his kindness, isn’t that right Logrom?”
The table of dwarves look towards each other and then towards me as I looked at them with baited breath as I hoped I hadn’t botched my introduction…. And then released that breath when the dwarves started laughing uncontrollably and hysterically, with hands slapping the table, and spittle flying from how hard they were laughing.
(Morgrim) “Ya hear that Redbelle? be ah dear and buy us all ah round for Logrom’s generosity maybe if you get tha human drunk enough he’ll actually even sleep with ya! Despite ya ugly personality and tha genital warts!”
“Ah fuck you Morgrim, if anyone has bad enough hygiene here for genital warts it’s you, every time ya come to tha tavern I can smell ya comin before ya enter and if ya touched any cookin equipment ya would never be able to make it clean again. In fact ma guess is that they throw out all the utensils you use here so ya don’t poison tha other patrons. Also new blood, Gabriel yere name was, you’ve proved you have teeth enough to keep up with ah dwarf in insults, but let’s see if ya can keep it up after a few pints of dwarven ale. If ya have any spare status points I recommend you put them all into constitution right now, lest ya drop after tha first pint like most humans i’ve seen drink. Yere a cute one for ah human if ah bit gangly, so if ya prove yereself and last 3 pints I might let you put yere money were yere mouth is and take ya home with me. But ah human like yereself obviously doesn’t have enough endurance to keep up with ah dwarf so don’t even disappoint yereself by fallin after tha first pint.”
I realized that I still had about 10 unspent status points, which I immediately put all of them into constitution, which brought me to a constitution of 24 and I felt my body shift and change as my Con nearly doubled, instead of it hurting like with agility it was actually a rather pleasant sensation, I was also filled to the brim with new energy it was time to outdrink some dwarves. “In fact I did have some spare points, get ready to swallow those words, i’m about to drink you under the table and your pride along with it!”
“Oh them’s fightin words boy!, If ya can manage ta back them up ma words might not be tha only thing ya make me swallow tonight pretty boy!” she said with a teasing grin on her face, as I consider how attracted I actually was to the 5 foot 2 inch girl, which was actually rather tall for a dwarf.
(Brilldess) “Didn’t knew you were in ta humans ya deviant, what were the rumors of loneliness more than just rumors?, or are ya just too curious than is good for ya?”
“Shut yere damn trap Brilldess, i’m an adventurer in more than just mah job ya know, If ya want to take dicks so wide it feels like yere havin ah iron ingot shoved inside ya every time, then you go ahead, I however like enjoying maself. And I wasn’t kiddin when I said you were a cute one pretty boy.”
I looked toward the redheaded women and simply shrugged, while right now I couldn’t really get my mind off of Yenefer and how much it aches inside my heart to think about how much I missed her and how no one could ever replace her. Maybe that would change after a few drinks so I could get rid of this pain just for a little bit, while I didn’t want to drink my sorrows away and make any other similarly bad decisions. Maybe loosening up a little with some alcohol and having some female companionship to distract me from my sorrows wouldn’t be so bad.
Like I said before me and Yennefer never really understood the sacredness of monogamy or sex, we were all just pieces of meat that felt things in the end anyways, we just had so much love for eachother that other people weren’t even a thought in our minds, sex with other people would have just been dull in comparison. It was really that kind of fairy tale romance, except I hadn’t gotten my happily ever after… But maybe that didn’t have to be so bad, maybe instead of this being a destruction of my old life, I could consider it a beginning to a new life instead, and with that in mind I steeled myself as the first round of ale was passed around by Logrom as the Elite Ale Guard was prepared for a long night of wrangling drunken dwarves.
“Alright this dwarven ale better live up to all the expectations you’ve all given me of it, so if i’m not spooning with a dead gremlin in a very large locked safe by morning I will be sorely disappointed”
(Torrig) “Don’t worry Gabriel if you aren’t surrounded with at least 5 of those little fuckers after you wake up from passing out than I will have failed as a dwarf, and a dwarf always does his best to act like ah dwarf.”
(Logrom) “I can drink ta that, now time ta shut and drink ya bunch of delicate flowers! LET’S GET DRUNK!!”
(Everyone) “DAMN STRAIGHT!!”
Tonight, without a doubt, was the best night since I had spent here since I had gotten here and judging by the look that Redbelle was giving me and the inhibitions that the ale was prying off, it might get better just yet.