Mort

Today started like any other day. We all woke up in the morning. While they made breakfast, I went out and did my usual walking survey of our little territory— a.k.a., the block we lived on. I never go the same way twice. Sometimes I even cut through the houses to start my daily walk in a completely different direction.

You know, just in case my frenemy, Wood, ever decided to try blowing me up again.

When I came back, I helped with dish clean up, and then we all got our weapons out and went out to grind. We could always need more grinding time. It was the best way to level up.

As we walked around town, I started to get bored. There were no monsters out and about. Not any by the library. Nor were there any by the police station. Not the town hall, the school, not the alleys, the yards, the side yards… not even in the town dump.

So, we kept walking. Teddy and Wood started to bicker. Ellie was holding Oz’s hand, which made me want to throw myself off a building. But, lacking a skyscraper, I doubted that that would prove anything but an annoyance. So I silently headed up the rear.

For a little while I took a look at everybody’s stats. Teddy was still higher than any other pure human amongst us. He had gone from a level 30 Thief to a level 33. Ellie’s barbarian skill shot up 12 whole levels, from level 11 to 22. Which seemed ridiculous, but then again, she had faced off with the bunny monster all by her lonesome. And though Wood had been badly injured, Georgina’s garden had indeed healed him to the point where he didn’t even have a scar. He hadn’t gained any levels, though, since he had been partially eaten by said bunny monster.

Finally, I pulled up my own stats box, and started going through my levels. I too had gained 12 levels, and was now a level 18 gnome. I also had gained a few points in my frying pan wielding, and was also now a low level dishwasher.

That last addition to my levels gave me pause. The system had rewarded Teddy for his cleaning up by making him into a literal clothes washing machine.

I really hoped that wasn’t going to happen to me.

We made two whole laps of the entire town of Mars Pennsylvania Before noon. There wasn’t even a little monster out for us to grind on. We ended up stopping at the reservoir and throwing rocks into the waterway. We used to do that when we were in high school. No, we started doing it back in middle school. Back then we get hopped up on sugar, and talk about what dicks are teachers were, and what dicks are fellow students were.

In high school this was where we talked about our bad dates, and who we had crushes on. It was where I asked Ellie out for our first date.

That thought alone warmed something inside me. I missed those days. I missed having my family at home, waiting for me. Mom and dad. The three of us watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer together. Dad playing an old record while we washed dishes as a family.

I shook my head, trying to dispel the memories that I also wanted to hold so close they’d never get away from me again.

“I think we should go,” I said.

Everyone looked at me for a few seconds, and I guess there was a look on my little gnome face that they could read.

“OK,” Teddy said, standing up from where he was squatted by the water. “There’s probably something in the water anyways, just waiting they attack us.”

“Way to find the positive, “Ellie said. But she was already beside me, and we both turned and started a walk away from the reservoir.

Before I knew it Oz, Wood, Teddy and Ellie were all walking along beside me, as we made our way back through town and towards the pizzeria. It was too early to make dinner, but Teddy and I went down the street and checked on what was left of Jesse’s army.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

We then took a second trip, just Teddy and I, around Mars, still looking for something to grind on. Whether it was rabid squirrels with huge teeth, or something squid-like reaching out the sewer system. We were itching for something to kill.

But nothing came. We made it all the way back to the pizzeria, completely unmolested by monsters. It’s sad when you can’t even depend on a monster attack to make your day worthwhile.

So, since it was still too early to make dinner, and we hadn’t found anything odd when we went down to check out Jesse’s minions, Teddy and I ended up back at the pizzeria again.

Once there, and bored out of our literal skulls, we all started cleaning. Since the pizzeria had always been spotless in the first place—old and run down, but immaculately clean—we had pretty much kept it that way. There was no debris, when things got broken or destroyed we got rid of them, and there was no grease built up anywhere. Thanks, pretty much, to an endless supply of degreaser. And we kept the floor clean enough you could probably eat off of it.

Which, I know there were restaurants that specialized in that. But screw that shit. I want a plate or to have my food wrapped up when it’s presented to me. Fuck eating off the floor.

Still bored, we went in the back of the pizzeria, looking through some old crates that were stored in a mop closet. Then we went outside and weeded. That had been something we really hadn’t done. The grass was getting a little long, but no one actually wanted to mow the grass.

I guess old hated chores never became less hated.

Finally, we all sat in the pizzeria and went through our inventories. We didn’t take everything out, but we did take the more interesting things we found out and gave them a new, more thorough look.

I found that I had not only more comics than I had before the alien apocalypse, but I also had a literal shitload of crocheted doily things in my inventory.

I knew what they were since my grandmother had a bunch of them all over her house. She had made most of them while she was a child, and into her teens. And she loved them without regard of how gaudy they looked, placing them under nearly every single thing in her house.

I looked at some of these doilies. I couldn’t be sure, but I did think some of them were hers. Especially the white, pink pastel green ones. I remembered her having these.

Ellie pulled what looked to be an actual lightsaber out of her inventory. She was trying to get it to work, but was having no luck. We were all pretty sure that it was just some kind of movie prop/paraphernalia. She didn’t remember having picked it up and putting it into her inventory.

I didn’t remember picking up all these doilies, either. Turned out I had 2421 doilies. That made me really suspicious. I think it had been a month since the alien attack. I’d been dead for two of those weeks, so… where the hell did all these doilies come from? And why don’t I remember picking them up?

I picked a few I’d pulled out my inventory up, crossed the room and was about to throw them in the trashcan, when they inexplicably disappeared right back into my inventory.

What the actual fuck?

After a while, we all started to make food. Yet again we made pizza, we made Ramen, and some pierogis. It was a nice little feast. I wish I could’ve eaten it. I wish I could’ve tasted it. And I wish I could have smelled it.

By Judas Priest, I wished I could’ve smelled anything.

I helped Teddy take enough food for the five remaining Jesse minions down to their house, but we didn’t get any answer that their door when we knocked.

And the door was locked.

Of course, it was almost dark. I was sure none of the minions wanted anything to be able to just walk in on them at night. Heck, I was surprised that they had left the door open during the day.

So we left the food on the porch, gave the door another knock, and then walked away, back down to the pizzeria.

I sat with my friends as they ate. I don’t usually watch them eat. It kind of bugs me, since I can’t eat. But today I just needed to be with them. We came so close to getting killed by that fucking bunny monster. I was pretty sure that it was just some kind of test that the aliens were running on us. If they wanted us dead, we would be dead.

Somehow, someway, they were enjoying this. They were getting some kind of data out of our reactions, and us fighting against whatever they were throwing at us.

Even though I didn’t have a human body any longer, I felt itchy by the time it was time to get ready for bed. I held the boards as Teddy nailed them into place on the door. Then I lay in my dog bed, listening to some crickets outside, and the dreaming breathing of my friends as they slumbered.

I hoped none of them had nightmares tonight. More than anything, I wished that we would all finally wake up out of this hellish nightmare.

I closed my eyes, tried to imagine that I was taking deep, calming breaths, and that I could smell the ocean, or pine trees, or the wind blowing in the door… or the open window, or over the porch where I used to live.

For a moment, I really did think I could smell the jasmine my mom used to have planted on the side of our house.

And it smelled really, really good.