I wake up feeling a little dizzy, feeling like I had the worst sleep of my life, so it took me a little while to recalibrate. After about 6-7 minutes, I noticed the ringing in my ears; It was my alarm clock.
Why the hell is my alarm going off?
I usually wake up about 30 minutes before my alarm, so it was both off-putting and annoying to hear it. Looking around my room, I now see that there appeared to be sunlight in my room, almost like it was daytime. Ha-ha, that couldn't be right. I wake up so early that the sun wouldn't have the chance to grace my skin. This must be a hallucination! Yet I could almost swear that looking out of the window that the sun wasn't some beautiful haze and was instead a cruel yellow ball of death directly looking at me.
So after 30 seconds of contemplating whether or not to look at that cursed thing named a clock, I faced my fears and began to read the alarming numbers that readout to be "7:40 AM". 'Damn it!' My never-failing internal clock had failed me, but, at the moment, I had far more concerning matters on my hand, being that one, it was a test day, and two, it was Monday. Being a whole 10 minutes late, my brain was running on autopilot and high on bath salt. Immediately I started getting out of my pillowless bed; I then look at all my covers on the floor and decide not to deal with that today. That would have to be for future me to handle. Putting on my white t-shirt and black sweat pants, I make my way to my bathroom and stare at the hideous abomination that stared back from the mirror.
Granted, I had not washed my face and still had bed hair, but I still wanted to punch the face of the man who was ruining my life at this moment. While gazing into the mirror, the realization came upon me; I was wasting time! Damn my unintentional procrastination! Promptly running out of the bathroom and sprinting down the hallway to the dining room, somehow I ended up in the living room turning on my ps4 by what seemed to be pure instinct, like what?
From the looks of it, Joe had already left for his job, *cough* distinctively marked by the half-eaten eggs and bacon still left on the table. After cleaning up his mess, I decided to warm up my car in the garage while making breakfast. After all, even if it makes you have less time for a test, breakfast is still the most important meal of the day. Huh? What? Do you say that was a myth made of by cooperations to sell more food products?
Bullshit, I say!
For some reason, though, the food seemed to be...bland? I mean, it was tough to smell and taste it, like something was blocking it. It's kind of odd, but it's not like I got the time to sit and think about it. Maybe I'm just sick or something.
Around the time I finished my rushed plain breakfast of bacon and eggs, I looked on my phone to check the time. It read "8:00 AM", my class was about half done, can I even finish a calculus test I haven't studied with half of the time as everyone else? I can, right!? It's not like I've never done it before. While asking ethics questions only God could answer, I approached my garage with a mild headache, but I chalked it up to the dizziness from this morning. Therefore, after setting off my house alarm, I opened the door to my garage, closed it, locked it, and was ready to experience the hell called school.
As soon as I finished locking the door, it suddenly felt like I had the flu, and immediately after that, my body fell onto hard concrete with my heart burning. Mucus continuously filled my nostrils as I sneezed rapidly. I could barely stay conscious; every breath I took felt like I was breathing in fire, the world felt like it was spinning, and then I puked up my minute breakfast.
I then accidentally tripped over myself, falling down the five small stairs in front of my garage door. Once I land, I manage to get back up to my feet; however, the cost of such an action was that I had my breath completely knocked out of me. Which did not help my struggling breathing situation. I also notice that the fall had made my keys go flying a good ways away from me to my right.
I didn't mean I was ready for legit hell!
My eyes started to burn as well as my earlier head came back with a vengeance, ringing, banging on the back of my head, begging to get in.
Although my body shutting down as I think, now was not the time to panic. Panic would, after all, probably worsen my situation. Looking around, I saw the downed garage door, and my locked house door; at the moment, they were my only two ways of escape that I could perceive.
The first idea in my head was to grab my keys and get back into the house, but after trying to haul myself off the ground, I realized that I had neither the control nor precision over my body to attempt such a thing. While continuing to struggle, I switched my view between looking at my door and looking at my garage panel, which sat in the wall right next to it. Which was great except for the fact that both were too far away for the current me to get to. With the garage panel sitting at the opposite end of my garage, and the door requiring both my keys and me having to walk up a set of stairs to get to.
Time was ticking, I was drooling, and my knees are giving up, so taking in all my options, I made my best possible choice, my car. Lunging at it with the last remnants of my strength, I thought over my simple plan to try to break the windows and hope someone would notice car alarms going off for a long time.
The first punch failed to break the window or set off the alarms, and before I could let out another punch, my legs gave way, making me fall onto the floor once again.
Shit, I'm going to die here! Fuck! I might die like this, alone with no one to comfort me? Hell, I'm to die here? Now? Not even a few rounds of bullets to face had been able to do me in, and I got out like this? None of my friends tell me goodbye? Alone, sad, and worthless, having accomplished nothing within my short amount of time I was given?
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No. I can't die like this. I still have yet to celebrate getting into the same university with Iris and Rosetta! I still have yet even to give Josh his Nintendo switchback!
Beginning to grab my car's side-view mirror, and I slowly start to pull myself up.
I have yet to get back the money Jayden owes me! I have yet to see my nephew! Who's name I don't even know yet! I have yet even to call my parents this week! Hell! I have yet to do anything with my life at this point! Fuck, I have yet to even finish school!
Grabbing whatever I could put my hands on, I pulled my dying body upwards towards the window. I tried to stand, but I couldn't without the help of the car. My knees were far too weak, my body too unstable.
So, in defiance of the bullshit thing called life, I punched the window once again.
I had yet to apply for my dream job!
The punch made me let go of anything I was holding onto, allowing me to the window with full force, consequently making me slip and fall once again, hitting the back of my head on the concrete. I was expecting to feel pain, but I assume adrenaline covered me because I felt almost nothing. But there was no time to ponder over such little things.
I stood upon my feet once again, beyond my own belief, and attached my left hand on top of the hood of my car, holding on to it for dear life.
Then I punched the window again.
"I HAVE YET TO EVEN LIVE MY LIFE PROPERLY!"
As I yell I fell; a slimy liquid hit my legs. It seemed to be a mix of saliva and my own blood. I also could feel my left hand sliding down from the roof of my car, so I replaced it with my right hand. I know in my heart of hearts that I didn't have much time left at all.
But I punched the window again.
"ᴵ ᴴᴬⱽᴱ ʸᴱᵀ ᵀᴼ ᴱⱽᴱᴺ ᴳᴵⱽᴱ ᴾᵁᴬᴸ ᴴᴵˢ ᴮᴵᴿᵀᴴᴰᴬʸ ᴾᴿᴱˢᴱᴺᵀ!"
A liquid fell into my mouth, it was salty, less salty than blood but still very salty, and then the realization hit me.
Was I crying?
Huh. That wasn't something I had done in a while. Actually, I shouldn't be crying. I made a promise to myself to never cry again after all! But, but ...but it felt so good! It felt so good to let out all of my emotions, just like back when I was drinking alcohol.
I punched the window again, and again, and again and again and again until one last time. When my left hand felt the glass dig into my fist, and the lovely sound of car sirens filled my ears.
*Crash* *Splat*
*Honk* *Honk* *Honk* *Honk* *Honk* *Honk* *Honk* *Honk* *Honk*
I wonder how mom and dad are doing? They were good people, just not the best of parents, so I wish well on them. My siblings, too, hope that bastard has a nice family life; after all, his first child was just born. That hopeless woman, though, I hope she took my advice and stopped wallowing in the past. After all, it will never change.
I felt the glass shards sink into my arm as my body gave out completely.
The fire burning in my chest was becoming cold before I could realize it, and my eyelids were forcefully closing.
I wonder
Did I ever accomplish anything?
Will anyone remember me?
Was it for anything?
.Was I worth it mom, dad, was I worth the money and time?
..Was I worth it to all my friends, for all of my antics did I make it up to you guys in fun?
...Did I even making someone smile for real?
....On my friends, did I ever make an impact?
....Rosetta, did you truly love me, or was it out of pitty? ...Will anyone grieve over my death?
Was... I ... real..ly no...t a.. fail.. ure..
..."dᵢd ᵢ dₒ ᵢₜ?"...
As my consciousness faded away, the many questions I had about my life and how I lived it where subsided for two thoughts. The first was that I didn't want to meet God if there was one. I didn't want to meet a being that had allowed me to suffer like this. I didn't ...want to meet the person responsible for this world, the person responsible for all my pain, for all of the pain that plagued this planet. I didn't want to meet the person that watches children starve, women being raped, and men being sent to be murdered. Whatever selfish and malicious being that could watch and manage all of it and just, allow it, I didn't want to meet, I was...scared of it...
The second thing I thought was how I wanted another chance. How I wanted to live another life where my fate, my first 18 years living, wasn't wasted deciding my worth by a bunch of numbers and letters on a sheet of paper. I didn't want to live a life where my entire being was dedicated to learning things that will never benefit me, that I would never use, no... on second thought that wasn't living, living was doing what makes your heartbeat with joy, what makes you feel!
So, I died without living?
Wait then, wouldn't that change my goal from wanting another life to, just living?
Yes! That, that is what I want to do! I want to mourn friends I never had, I want to sail a ship that never existed! I wanted to jump over canyons that never formed, I wanted to be the king of a country that never got off the ground, I want to be happy!
𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄!
I don't know the direct reason why, but I want to live. I want to be selfish for once. I want something for once, something I would never take for granted, so why? Why can't I have something I want for once!?
Why, don't I deserve it!?
Then it came to me, my last hope, my last thought of how to prove I deserve to live. If to no one, but myself.
I would scream, scream at the world, scream at God, scream at whatever obstacles stood in my path. My path of life.
I would...scream...scream..my soul...out...
I...........woul.........d.............s......c....r....e...a...........m...
Then and there, a young man's body died, and then, there, a cold, lifeless corpse suddenly filled with warmth, filled with a heartbeat of joy, filled with desire. It, the body most surely dead, moved with a soul of a raging flame and with one purpose, to live.
It was a sad tale, one of a boy who tried to fight fate, who wanted to find a purpose. One whose eyes were enthralled with a fiery determination while its heart beat with joy and hope overcome this obstacle.
It took one step, then another, and stoped.
It stopped and then let out a scream, no it let furious roar, a roar that told all, higher being or ant that this boy would live, it didn't matter how it didn't matter why it just would.
It told destiny that it could go fuck itself, it told of his pain, it told of his absolute hatred that burned of flames, told of his soul that burned out with it, it told of his will, and it told of his end.
The roar ended with the boy's last breath, and his life subsided with his last step as his unthinking, lifeless body fell onto the similar cold, hard ground.
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Awakening, I opened up my eyes and bore witness to a bizarre sight, a crouching young man with dark tan skin greeting me with a creepingly lovely smile.
"That was a magnificent struggle you just had. I was personally impressed and routing for you. Too bad you're human, but, nonetheless it was a terrific display!"
He spoke with an innocent yet condensing tone while he started clapping, which filled this empty, bland space with some sense of noise. It was apparent he was looking down on me.
Well, first things first.
''Excuse me but, eh, where the hell am I?"