Chapter Twenty-Seven - An Uncomfortable Truth

“Ari? Ari are you awake?”

Arette blinked as she heard a voice from far away, getting clearer and clearer with more time passing. A groan slipped out of her lips as she became aware of the sharp pain between her ribs and the difficulty it took to inhale.

Nonetheless, she opened her eyes and was met with Liz’s soft, concerned golden orbs.

“Ari? Can you hear me?” her best friend almost shouted, making her cringe again.

“Yeah, please, tone it down,” she rasped, her voice as drained as she felt. She tried to sit up, but didn’t manage more than a few inches before the pain grew too strong.

Damn it, what in all blazes happened?

“Oh I’m so glad,” Liz sighed and took a step back, sitting down in a chair near the bed instead of hovering over her. She could see traces of tears on Liz’s face.

“What happened?” she asked, pushing herself to speak even though her lungs were refusing to collaborate as much as she’d wanted them to.

“You don’t remember?” Liz frowned, now worried again, “You were fighting the Lavender Clan and you almost won against the leader of their group, when the thief we were hunting shot you. You almost died, Ari. I...I held you in my arms as you bled and…”

Her voice quivered and died and Arette could see her shaking. She pressed her lips together as the memories slowly came back from the drowsiness she had buried them in.

“Yeah, I remember...I thought guns were forbidden around here…” she frowned, trying to piece the scenery together, to remember how she could’ve been so careless.

Currently, they were acting as bounty hunters and part time assassins in the fifty-seventh province, a province not too far from the one they’d started in. It also shared a lot of things with the fiftieth province, such as a culture of swords and martial arts instead of advanced weapons like guns, rifles, radiation technology and whatever else there was. All weaponry more advanced than a crossbow was prohibited in these kinds of provinces as people liked to have the illusion that their world was still following its own rules and not the rules of others.

“Ari, he was a criminal and he knew he’d die if you killed the Lavender members. He hardly had a reason to care about the law,” Liz admonished her softly and Arette had to agree.

But that didn’t mean she’d like it.

She’d grown careless.

Ten years ago, right out from her drill training with Nex, she would’ve never made such a mistake. But with her power being as high as one could get as an Ascendant, she tended to underestimate her opponents. So far, she’d always prevailed, but this time...first she underestimated the Lavender woman and let herself get surrounded, then she underestimated the thief in believing he wouldn’t interfere with the battle afterwards.

“Damn it,” she cursed out loud, both because of the intense pain between her ribs and her own stinging disappointment in herself.

“How do you feel?” Liz asked carefully, her expression torn.

“Been better,” Arette shrugged and immediately regretted it afterwards, “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

“Of course I’ll worry!” Liz exclaimed and jumped up with exasperation in her eyes, “You got shot and stabbed in front of my eyes! If I hadn’t managed to knock them unconscious with my misfortune and if a healer hadn’t been close by, you would be dead right now!”

Liz’s voice increased during her speech, painfully pressing against Arette’s stained eardrums, but suddenly she felt a lot worse than just uncomfortable.

Seeing Liz so worried made her feel guilty like nothing else. Even more than that, the fear that had overpowered her in the last seconds before the bullet had hit her was still there, firmly inside her guts.

She loved fighting.

Had loved it from the second Nex taught her how to do it, no even from the second she had her first survival battles back in the woods. She was addicted to the thrill running through her veins, the one that drove her to become stronger, to challenge herself as well as others and rise above every enemy she defeated.

When she fought, she never thought about dying. It just wasn’t an option.

But right now, love wasn't on the forefront of her mind. Instead, she was scared - scared that it would happen again, that once again her survival would only depend on luck instead of her ability...a revelation she’d avoided for all of the last ten years.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, feeling like she had to give Liz at least that. Liz had saved her life - and not for the first time.

Even though she’d never been as close to death before, never had a wound so serious, it wasn’t the first time that Liz had dragged her away from situations that she would’ve challenged and likely paid for with her life.

Liz looked at her with a complicated expression swimming in her eyes.

“Ari, I…” she began but swallowed the words as if she’d caught herself doing something wrong.

Arette forced herself up and stared at her best friend.

Usually, Liz would be relieved and hug her and then cry a little and then leave her alone to heal. It had become almost a routine in the last years, whenever Arette had thrown herself too far into the frontline and ended up wounded in some infirmary or other.

But today, Liz didn’t cry or fall into her arms.

Instead, she took a deep breath and spoke words that would change everything.

“Ari, I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

She spoke fast, akin to ripping an arrow out of a flesh wound with a swift stroke. Arette’s head snapped towards her and she felt strangely afraid of what was coming next.

“You can’t do what anymore?” she questioned, her voice harsher than intended. Liz flinched, but held her ground.

“This,” she gestured towards Arette’s wounds, red seeping through pristinely white bandages, “Seeing you throwing your life away for whatever it is you get out of being so reckless. I’m sick of it, Ari.”

Liz’ voice wavered as tears seeped into her eyes.

“I’m sick of seeing you getting wounded and almost dying. I’m sick of worrying about you day and night. Heck, I’m sick of fighting. You know I never liked it, I never liked hurting others or taking the risk of them hurting me. It’s been ten years of this Ari, I just can’t do it anymore.”

She sobbed at the end as the words she must’ve repressed for a long time came streaming out of her.

Arette just gaped at her.

Liz...didn’t like fighting? She’d...never thought about that before. When she’d suggested they’d travel the world as bounty and quest hunters, Liz had agreed and so the decision had been made for her. She’d never stopped to think if something might have changed during those years.

The fires knew she’d loved it.

Loved the thrill of the hunt, of the fights and the chases, the occasional wars and chaoses. But Liz...apparently didn’t.

“What do you want to do then?” she asked, careful to not let any of the indignation she felt in her heart ooze into her voice. She didn’t want to fight against Liz even if her instincts urged her to, not when Liz was crying in front of her.

Liz looked up, hope shining through her curtain of tears.

“I want to do what we did five years ago. Do you remember? Settling down in the ninety-eighth province, getting jobs, just living without having a risk of dying. I want to do that again.”

Her best friend spoke with so much hope and anticipation that Arette couldn’t immediately rebuke her. Nonetheless, sourness rose in her throat.

She did remember.

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Five years ago, they’d settled for half a year from their vagabond lifestyle. The capital of the ninety-eighth province, New Iride, was head of a technologically more advanced province. It was a huge city with residents swaying between thirty and forty million, with cars and subways, skyscrapers and other advanced technologies. It had taken a while to get used to, but both Arette and Liz had been so mesmerized by the advantages of running water and television and electricity that they’d decided to stay for a while.

In the beginning it had been wonderful.

Liz had taken a job as a librarian while Arette lived on the money they’d saved in the previous five years. Arette had discovered nightclubs and alcohol and fell in love with the dancing and the blissful oblivion for a while.

And for six months, both of them were perfectly happy.

But after a while, Arette got bored. Dancing and drinking didn’t make her as happy as it did in the beginning and going to a gym didn’t give her the thrill she had found in battles before.

Eventually, she couldn’t take it anymore and begged Liz to go back to their former lifestyles.

Liz had agreed and so the last four and a half years had been fine for Arette again. But apparently, she’d been the only one thinking like that.

Thinking back, she couldn’t help but scrunch her face up.

She didn’t want to go back to that. The clubs were the only thing she’d liked about the city but even in those few hours in the night that she could feel alive, there was always something painfully missing. Something that didn’t satisfy her enough as a weapon in her hand did.

When she thought of leading that kind of life for the next, what, hundred years? Thousand years?

No, she didn’t want it even for a single day.

“What do you say?” Liz hesitantly asked when she’d been silent for too long. Arette raised her eyes to look at her all too hopeful friend, feeling horrible again.

“I don’t think I can do that again, Lizzy,” she admitted, unable to lie, “I wouldn’t last longer than a few months in a world like that.”

She spoke open and honest, but Liz recoiled with her words, hurt cracking on her face.

“So you can’t even do that much for me?” her best friend stood up and glared down at her, tears again in her eyes, “You can’t even try? Do you know how much I did for you? Do you know how much I sacrificed so that you could lead the life you wanted?”

She pressed her hand to her chest, but that didn’t stop her quivering, trembling fingers.

Arette jerked and the stone in her stomach tore through and left a gaping hole inside of her. She’d never thought about it like that...never considered this…

She gulped.

“Lizzy, I’m sorry,” she said the only thing she could think of, “I didn’t realize.”

“You didn’t realize,” Liz repeated while shaking her head, now crying all out, “I know. I know you didn’t realize. I never told you either. But Ari, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to live in fear for your life anymore, always thinking that the next day could be our last.”

Her anger had turned to pleading and Arette didn’t know what she prefered. Both hurt quite a lot because both made her aware of the horrible person she’d been.

She’d always been so sure of her ability to protect Liz, to fight her way through every situation. But if today, Liz had been close and the criminal had had another shot - both of them would be dead.

That was scarier than she’d thought it could be.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, this time sincerely, “I didn’t think.”

“I know,” Liz’s voice was soft again as she touched her hand gingerly, “I don’t blame you, Ari. But I just can’t continue like this. Please, come with me. To any city, I don’t care. Just let us settle down and stop fighting.”

For a moment, Arette considered it.

She thought about what it would be like to agree with Liz and move with her to one city or another, get a mundane job and live a mundane life. None of it sounded appealing - she’d only do it to make Liz happy. But Liz was her best friend - the thought of being separated from her was harsh.

On the other hand, she was an Ascendant of Fire. She had amassed enough power and fighting experience to battle against a weaker Lesser God with the confidence to survive. If she were to settle down, that would be her limit. She wouldn’t be challenged to be better anymore, wouldn’t rise above others, wouldn’t prevail. She’d be stuck.

Just as she’d been stuck in that forest over ten years ago.

The conviction she’d found back then came back to her.

I belong to the world.

“Lizzy, I can’t. I can’t just stand still and stop doing what makes me feel alive. I don’t want to live my life half here half there, living an easy life just to survive. I can’t.”

Her own voice was pained because she knew how much she’d hurt Liz with this. She didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want to be the one to destroy her hope, but at the same time, she knew she couldn’t give up her own happiness for Liz’s.

Was she a horrible person because of that? Most likely. But this was nonetheless her conviction.

Liz blinked her tears away as she tried to suppress her own disappointment, but Arette could see the darkness in her flame grow thicker and tendrils of misfortune leaking out as they hadn’t done for at least three years now.

Liz sniffed and seemed to notice that and quickly reigned her powers in, but the sadness didn’t leave her eyes.

“I understand,” she whispered, a bitter smile spreading on her lips, “I think I knew that. I knew you wouldn’t do that. But Ari, I have to. I have to stop this kind of life for a while, even if I have to do it alone.” Her voice broke at the end.

A part of Arette broke as well. She didn’t want to separate from the young woman she had called her closest friend for ages. They hadn’t been apart for more than a few days for the last ten years - ever since they’d met, actually.

To think that she’d leave her side now was...overwhelming.

It made Arette feel like there was a pit in her stomach, always hanging at the back of her throat.

“I’m sorry,” she said again, this time quiet and wavering.

“I am too,” Liz squeezed her hand and wiped her tears again, “I think I’ll go back to Fall’s End for a while. Visit Zenon and Elea or something.”

Arette bit on her lip and nodded even though she didn’t really want to.

“Okay,” she whispered, “If you...if you really have to. But...you’ll come back, right?”

The thought of being apart from the one constant in her life for the past ten years was something she didn’t want to consider. Liz had always been there for her, had always thought for her when she was too stupid to realize it, had saved her life more often than she could count.

“Of course,” Liz gave back with a shaky smile. Then, as if she'd just remembered something, she rummaged through her pockets and took out a delicate looking necklace, with a sphere shaped crystal hanging from the end.

"This is a communication crystal. It's only a cheap one, so it can only send up to three messages, but if you ever need to tell me something..."

She stuffed the necklace into Arette's bandaged hand, eyes darting around without meeting her best friend's. 

"Thank you"

Arette heaved a sigh of relief knowing that she hadn’t just completely lost her best friend. Liz stared at her for another while and then turned around and walked away.

“Goodbye,” she whispered once she’d reached the doorstep and then quickly left the room.

As the door fell shut and loneliness seeped into Arette’s heart as it had never done before.

And the fear inside her stomach, that intangible, irrevocable fear of dying was still there, sinking deep inside of her. It was despair, left as an aftertaste on her tongue after her brush with death and for a moment, Arette could only stare at the ceiling and swallow the cry that built itself in her throat.

She was alone and she had just possibly lost the only two things that made her feel alive - her best friend, and the thrill of a fight.

For the first time since she was born, Arette had no idea what to do.

And it wasn’t a good feeling.

“Goodbye.”

The word fell from Liz’s lips harder than any other word had ever before. It tore her insides apart as she spoke it, willed her to take it back on the spot.

Trying not to waver, she quickly walked out of the door and shut it behind her, closing the last barrier that now lay between her and Arette.

She didn’t make it more than a few steps until she broke down against the wall.

She’d done it.

After ten years of agony, of every day fearing for Arette’s life more than for her own, she’d finally gathered the courage to gain distance from it, to take a shot at her own happiness instead of conforming to Arette’s.

But then why did it feel like she’d just made the biggest mistake in her life?

A sob wracked her as she leaned her head against the wall, trying to stuff something into the hole that parting from her best friend had left her with. Her hands fisted around the necklace she wore, the counterpart to the one she just gave away. She didn’t want to be apart from Arette.

But she also didn’t want to fight anymore. She’d never wanted it and she didn’t want it now.

Even so, isn’t it worth it, for her?

The thought hung in her head and try as she may, she couldn’t deny that her heart screamed yes.

But there was another reason, a reason she hadn’t told Arette, a reason she’d never tell anyone if only it lay in her power to keep it a secret forever.

It wasn’t something she was proud of, it was something she felt horrible for, something that violated the sacred friendship that formed between them in all those years.

Because ever since nine or so years ago, Liz didn’t want to be just friends with Arette.

She didn’t know when it happened. Maybe it had been that way all along - and she only realized it one day. All she knew was that one day she woke up and looked at Arette, sleeping deeply next to her and she knew she didn’t want to be friends with her.

She wanted to kiss her. To get closer to her, to be more than just her friend, to be her lover and love her she did. She loved Arette.

Had loved her probably ever since the very beginning. How could she not love her? Arette had saved her.

And ever since then, every time she looked at her, her heart began to race. It was worse in the beginning, until she got used to it after a few months of hiding it, but even after all these years, every time Arette’s eyes met hers, her heart stuttered and sped up.

But Arette had never looked at her that way.

Not even once.

Even when both of them had been dead drunk and others had pushed them into a dare to kiss, Arette had refused her, giving her only the slightest peck before retreating. For three long years, Liz had hoped. Hoped that Arette might one day wake up and see her too, look at her the way she looked at her every single day, feel the same desire she had hidden for so long.

But that day never came.

And now, nine years and some after her revelation, she couldn’t take it anymore. She just couldn’t take the fact that the woman she’d loved for so long couldn’t love her back.

There was only so much of an unreciprocated love she could take. And she couldn’t, anymore.

So she had to leave. At least for a while.

Maybe distance could extinguish the painful feelings she harboured for her best friend.

Now, if only she could get herself to believe that as well.