My name is Freyr Halldorsson, I’m a “damaged” human being so to say. I come from a long line of mental disability within my family. I’ve been diagnosed with aspergers and ADHD. Which in turn makes it hard for me to interact with others. they are my strongest and weakest points, it might sound funny but it truly is the case… If you don’t know what aspergers and ADHD is, then let me summarize my symptoms. My aspergers makes me have a hard time picking up on social norms, as if my mind is not built for social interaction. Understanding intentions through body language or tones of speaking was a hard concept to grasp which I had to train myself for all my life. And my mind is more geared towards logic and reasoning, most people with aspergers have it easy with patterns and scientific subjects. In reality it is a mild autism, yet the grade of “functionality” differs from person to person. According to my papers I have a mild case.
Then we have my ADHD which in a lot of cases is the polar opposite of my aspergers. It makes me impulsive, and have issues with focusing on basically anything I don’t have great interest in. My focus gets broken by the slightest movement in the corner of my eye, minor chattering or sounds, and even strong lights. Yet it also gives me the ability of what they call “Hyper focus” which lets me completely disappear into my own world when I find something that truly fascinates me. And to some degree makes me more emotionally ruled. But worst of all my mind is always stuck in last gear, never slowing down, and always branching into new thoughts that circles around over and over again.
And this is why I would describe myself as damaged. One diagnosis rules my mind through logic and rationality, whilst the other one wants me to be impulsive and ruled by my emotions. A constant battle between heart and mind is what I call it. Yet this is what makes me… Me I guess. I always wonder what I would be like if it were not for my diagnosis. Considering the fact that I believe my intellect stems mostly from the rational mind of an asperger.
Yet with the meeting of one particular person all of this changed. My mind refused to believe the change, whilst my heart believed in the change entirely. No I guess more forced to believe. I was tired of being an outcast of society with no functional skills to live in the real world. Yet I got the chance to enter one more suited to me…
“Beep… Beep… BEEP… BEEP...”
“Urgh damn alarm…” I’m way too tired for this shit. Should I shower for this meeting? Nah I can’t be bothered to, either way it’s just a functionality evaluation either way. Time to hear the same drivel again. I wonder what the point is, it’s not like I’m eligible for a job or have the mental state to continue school. the meeting is at one o’clock and it’s currently half past twelve. Guess I should just get going then.
Just as soon as I leave my room, I enter the long corridor that I believe once was white, yet now it’s more in a yellowish tone, probably from all the cigarettes that us inhabitants smoke, I kind of like this place though, it’s simple and no one really bothers you more than the occasional question for a cigg.
Entering into the courtyard I place my hand in a horizontal position on my forehead to block out the blazing sun, not being accustomed to the bright light. The lighting in the dorm is just too low to ever seem to prepare you for the sun in the middle of summer. one part because the administration uses energy saving lighting, the other part because of people like me with asperger's who can be sensitive to light.
Bloomingdale institute, a place is like a foster home for misfits with mental diagnosis, but for new adults. A government sanctioned place set up to be an institute to help people like me, but honestly I think it’s just to place us out of the way, so the “normal” people can get on with their day without interruptions.
They accommodate over 300 people currently. Most of the staff looks at us like nuisances whilst the occasional few actually look like they are here to help. I’ve been here for two years now, during these two years they’ve set up multiple psych evaluations and provided me with some pocket change every month for personal use. It’s not much but I don’t really care since the food is free of charge and lodging is also free.
It’s situated within the grounds of the Bloomingdale hospital, most inhabitants joke around about us really being inside a “looney bin” which honestly isn’t that different except for the freedom to go wherever we want during the day. We have a curfew at 10pm, and forced to take medication if our mental health is severe enough. I guess it’s like preschool for a mental hospital now that I think about it.
As I walk through bricked path surrounded with grass and trees on either side, I make my way to the psychiatric wing of the hospital, the walk is just 2 minutes away. The dorm house was probably repurposed from something else so that we have easier access to the psychiatric wing.
I push the button for the self opening doors as I walk into the reception. I’m immediately greeted by Ellen, the only receptionist I have somewhat of a relationship with. “Morning Freyr, the Dr. Kedven will be with you in just a minute.” I quickly respond with my usual phrase as this is a common occurrence. “It’s not morning it’s afternoon currently.” After a slight sigh she once again opens her mouth “You just woke up so to you it should be morning”. I sigh in response “Morning is a set point in time at 6am, doesn’t matter when the individual wakes up”. she once again sighs and shakes her head. “You should stop looking at the world as a collective, and start basing it upon your own ideals. Continuously using rational and logical terms and strictly basing words on the dictionary will only keep you stuck in the collective mind of the world, there is more to this world than meets the eye you know.”
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…
After a couple of minutes of thinking to myself I find myself quite perplexed by her last speech, she seemed so sincere with that ideal, yet in my head it makes no sense. The world is a collective of people when spoken in that kind of term. Then how can the world be individually different? In my mind the world is a generalised way to see the world, based on majority beliefs about our world. But then again in that case if the majority of people believe the world is really just a hat, or something stupid like that. Would that mean that the definition of the world would change? I mean the literacy of a word has proven to be changed by time on multiple occasions so why would the same not apply to this? Even if it doesn’t make much sense in general it’s still a word and should be held to the same rules as all other words...
I’m getting a headache just thinking about it. As soon as I break my focus I look up at the clock and realise that I’ve apparently been lost in my own mind for 15 minutes. I could suddenly hear the giggling of Ellen, knowing her she’s probably been staring at me and laughing the entire time knowing her…
That’s just the kind of person she is, highly philosophical, the same age as me at 22 years old.I’ve never seen he without hospital scrubs on which hides her figure, but from the look of her forearms she looks quite well trained. She always has her hair in a ponytail accompanied with a gentle smile, yet I can’t seem to shake the thought that there is much more to her than meets the eye.
“I envy your way to just lose yourself within your own mind ya’know Fryer… I’m always stuck in the present of the world, whilst you have an entirely different world within that head of yours. You also always take my words seriously whilst most other just ignore them anytime I open that big mouth of mine haha.”
“Well this mind of mine is both a blessing and a curse… And why wouldn’t I take them seriously, from my observation you’ve never told me a lie, and you’ve never told me something you yourself don’t believe.”
Ellen looked slightly surprised for a fraction of a second which immediately turned back to her gentle smile.
“Don’t tell my colleagues but I honestly believe you are more qualified to be a psychiatrist than they are in some fields.”
As soon as I was about to answer, Dr. Kedven came down the hall and motioned me to follow him with his hand. Reluctantly I walked off with him, even though I wanted to stay and chat with Ellen a bit more.
Going through the long corridor we enter into Dr. Kedven’s office, the walls were mostly empty except for the display of his PHD, in the corner was a desk with a slightly old computer with a squeaky office chair that looked quite worn out. On the wall opposite was a bookcase containing a multitude of books on psychology. and lastly in the corner was a round table and two old and slightly deteriorated armchairs.
I sat down into an armchair without giving any pleasantries, considering that we’ve already sat down here a multitude of times during the last two years. As soon as we’re both seated he begins flipping through his papers whilst clearing his throat.
“EHEM. So Freyr, I’m just going to read through these papers which are to be sent to the administration of work so that they can try to find a suitable job for you in the future, if there are any discrepancies at all please tell me and we will have it changed immediately.”
I give a slight nod as I make a mental note of what he’s probably going to mention, honestly though no one will be able to take me up for a job considering my mental and physical state… I’m not even sure if I want a job to begin with, having to face a job knowing that you will be fired within 2-3 months it’s not really something I look at fondly…
“So, your name is Freyr Halldorsson, originally from iceland, you come from a family of 4 with a long line of mental diagnosis, an alcoholic father with aspergers, paranoid personality, and bipolar disorder as well. Your mother is a an individual with drug dependencies, repeat offender, she also has ADHD along with severe ligament issues. Your...”
“Wait a minute what does my mothers criminal record to do with any of this? I would like you to strike that from the record, I don’t much enjoy the slandering of my mother.”
“Well it’s permanent information for the employers to have to have a mental map of how your past has been and how it might affect you as a person.”
“whatever fine…” Repeat offender huh, a damaged mother doing her best with her two sons whilst having an abusive husband with great mental instabilities and gambling issues… so what she dealt drugs, it was all to get me and my brother away from my dad. But of course that doesn’t matter.
“Well let’s continue where we left off. Your brother has bipolar disorder along with ADHD, several misdemeanors as a juvenile and is currently in jail for attempted murder. Anything you would like to strike from your family background that isn’t accurate?”
“No…” My brother is painted as a common criminal huh… well there isn’t any point in trying to strike that either since they wouldn’t strike my mother’s charges from the paper…
“Okay moving on to you, 22 years old, having Aspergers ADHD, on and of anxiety and depression. Alongside with ligament issues. A past of drug abuse, though clean for 3 years. Endured a traumatic childhood, which will not be specified in this as to request of client. Studied psychiatry from a young age to overcome his social problems, more accurately studying human behavior alongside body language and speech. Has astounding capabilities within pattern recognition alongside astounding memory capabilities, and an IQ of 186, yet inhibited to use effectively due to issues with concentration and general lack of motivation. Finished high school with average grades. did not go to college or university.”
The meeting continued on for quite a while seemingly restating the same thing over and over again with different wording. Honestly feels like he’s only trying to make himself look more intellectual. Yet I feel that how he formatted and worded the entire thing seemed like a highschoolers level of knowledge.
I find it funny that our world is run through papers and not personal interactions, apparently that scrap of paper amounts to the entirety of my past present and future. But humans are much more complex than that, there is only so much you can learn without gaining a view of the perspective of said person. Emotions, thoughts, body language, tone of speech, wording, philosophy, of the past and present. That is the only way to get to know a person truly, yet that’s not the way the world works anymore, yet honestly with the age of mass production and globalisation, we can’t go around and wasting time on all of that. It’s sad but necessary to accommodate the average person. Yet in the process the rest just get tossed to the side. I don’t hate the world for being like this nor do I love it. Individuality just isn’t a luxury that we can afford nowadays. But what do I know about the world, for all I know it might just really be a hat.