Chapter 17 – Toxic

Our return trip to the enemy cave was uneventful at best.

We picked the weapons off all the fallen kobold soldiers. If I have to make a rough estimate, I’d say it seems like there is a thirty percent drop rate for items in this game. Not too surprising, else it would be little to no reason to bother crafting any items at all.

The best part though, is that we managed to grab both the cowl, utility belt and staff from the mage! It is a good haul indeed. The cowl is pretty much identical to Gut’s cowl, which seems to be the standard starting equipment for any mage classification. I’m thrilled though. It’s the first time I managed to loot armor from an enemy. I was starting to fear it was impossible. The harpies i fought earlier didn’t drop anything useable.

A damn shame I didn’t get his [Mana Stone] though.

On the upside, the [Hauler] does a magnificent job of hauling weapons around. A perfect pack mule. I’m a little taken aback seeing how that tiny creature can carry this much stuff. Luckily, he doesn’t have to carry all of it, since I could swap two of the goblin’s wooden clubs for two of the brand new [Copper Mace]s I looted off their bodies. The club and mace both go under the same weapon specialization after all, so why not? Free upgrades! I give the [Utility Belt] over to Wrex so that he can carry some of the valuables. It’s amazing how a [Bronze Spear] can easily fit into the small pouch.

Trudging along the forest, it doesn’t take long until we find ourselves at the bottom of the hill leading up towards the cave entrance. It’s a good thing too since it’s starting to become dark. This has really been a long day… I could use some rest. I don’t really want to spend the night walking blindly around a forest. Perhaps it’s a dumb idea to press my luck here. I would be at a serious disadvantage if it fails and I’m stuck out in the wilds at night on my own.

Fuck it, I need to commit to this. There is just too much to gain here.

Wrex takes charge organizing a loose defensive formation with our remaining warriors. Even the two heavily damaged warriors from earlier are utilized in this setup.

Well, they aren’t really injured anymore. I had the foresight to fill my [Utility Belt] with four of the [Skull]s I picked up from the harpies. They are amazing to use as drinking cups. It’s both practical AND it looks badass.

It still amazes me how easily a little water can heal severe injuries like that, even though it took a whole fifteen minutes to fully heal them. I even managed to regrow my ear! I am speechless...

All hail the magical properties of mundane objects in fantasy worlds! Now available in a game system near you!

Woops. Seems like I wasn’t.

Ascending the hill, I notice a small shape crawling towards the cave entrance. Oh shit. I totally forgot about that guy. It’s the kobold fighter I kneecapped earlier in my mad dash for the woods. I didn’t think it was this effective. The poor guy has only managed to crawl about sixty meters in this long amount of time. And more interesting yet, it appears no one stuck their head outside the cave to try and help the poor sod.

Shit, how many more are left in there?

Before I can say anything, a lone goblin makes a break from the formation towards the kobold. She runs at him, club raised high above her head. She screams with a low guttural voice, making the wounded kobold turn his head in fear. Disarmed from earlier, the kobold raises his hand in a desperate attempt to save his life, but it is all for naught. Being injured and unarmed in a prone position gives him zero opportunities to ward off the incoming attack.

The goblin grabs the club with both her hands and swings it down as hard as she can. The kobold’s hands does little to stop the forceful blow, and the club soon finds purchase across his head. I can hear the sick crunching sound of his skull breaking from all the way over here.

“Sheesh, brutal…” I wince at the nauseating sound.

“There might be some fire in that one after all.” Wrex chuckles besides me.

The scout keeps bashing the already dead kobold several times more. Blood splattering everywhere. Damn. Kinda overkill for a game, isn’t it?

She keeps mercilessly beating the corpse until our little war party catches up with her. When we reach her, she turns her head towards me. Her innocent looking doe-eyes putting me off somewhat. Is she trying to look cute with a body and face covered in blood and brain matter? I shiver in disgust. I would probably vomit if the game’s graphics were more inclined towards gore.

“Did I do well, chieftain?” She asks me, a prideful smile on her face.

I try to hide a grimace. “Err… Yeah I suppose.”

…

I don’t really know what to say in this kind of situation.

The scout gets on her feet and wipes some of the blood off her shirt. Well, more like she smears the blood around… but at least it’s not dripping from her anymore. Oh god, why do I keep staring at this shit.

I divert my gaze back towards the cave's entrance. I can hear the scout walking up to me and taking her position to my right. A position traditionally reserved for outstanding individuals worthy of respect. A part of me wants to tell her to go away. It just feels far too wrong. But then again… I’d rather just drop the matter. A man can only deal with a certain amount of crap before shrugging it all off.

What a creepy little girl. Why are all my goblins so damn creepy? Aren’t there any normal goblins in this game?

Arriving at the cave’s entrance, we all gather around the opening. I take a quick peek inside, but all I can see is a corridor heading about five meters in before it turns into darkness. I get a bad feeling. Well, of course I do. Anyone would at the sight of such an ominous looking cave entrance.

I decide to play this one safe. My extensive scouting from earlier shows that there isn’t any other exit to this cave system. Night is approaching, but with the current spawn cyclus, the enemy shouldn’t be able to spawn more units until the next morning. Plenty of time. Problem is though, I have no idea what he has left in there…

I decide to play it safe. I send my scout to keep an eye on our rear. I don’t want anyone sneaking up on us during this assault after all.

I wanted to head inside and take a peek around the corner, an idea that was quickly shot down by Wrex. The bastard just about chained himself to me after the several near death episodes in the forest. I’m not even allowed to take a piss on my own anymore without him looming over me. Luckily, I don’t need to go to the bathroom with this body… Still, it’s the principle of the matter.

I ended up sending two of the warriors in to scout around, with orders to retreat at the first sign of enemies. The rest of us gathered in a loose formation around the entrance, creating a bottleneck.

We wait in anticipation for the two warriors to return. The two of them lean around the corner for a few seconds before they turn back. They return immediately to report to me.

“How many could you see?” I ask eagerly. Adrenaline starting to slowly spread through my body.

One of the goblins bows his head before he speaks up.

“I can see… ehrm…” He looks to his hands while muttering something too low to hear while wriggling his fingers around. ”Fourteen kobolds I think. They are behind a wooden wall, great chieftain.” He says respectfully, once more nodding his head.

… Seriously!?

*Smack*

A sharp punch to the head from the other goblin topples him over. “There are fifteen kobolds dumbass. How dare you lie to the great chieftain you worm?” The other warrior hisses at him.

The first goblin growls menacingly back, opening his mouth to retort.

“Shut up you two!” Wrex snaps at them both. Raising his cutlass threateningly. “You are in the presence of the chieftain you fools!”

Realisation dawns on the faces of the two goblins as they both drop to their fours, planting their faces in the dirt. “F-f-forgive us!” They pipe up in choir.

I pay little attention to the display. What the fuck man. How can he still have fifteen fighters after all this? How does the bastard feed them all, while still managing to produce tier one weapons for every one of them? This makes no fucking sense!

“How the hell is this fucking possible!?” I blurt out, making my goblins turn their head at me in surprise. I don’t give a damn right now.

“How can there still be fifteen freaking fighters in there?” I shout while delivering a hard kick to a pebble on the ground.

“Oh, there aren’t fifteen fighters in there…” A voice pipes up. I snap my head towards the source of the noise, my eyes falling on the first goblin who spoke.

“Huh?”

His lifts his head slowly. “There are fifteen kobold’s… not all of them are fighters…” He says, uncertainty on his face.

My jaw drops.

“Then why the fuck didn’t you say so!?” I yell at the little bastard.

The goblin winces. “You only asked how many there were…”

I close my eyes and cover my face with my left hand. Gently massaging my temples between my thumb and index finger.

“I swear to god I’ll fucking kill you…” I mutter.

At hearing my words, the goblin winces. “Please don’t, great chieftain. I’m sorry! Please don’t kill me!” He cries out in horror.

“Huh? … Oh fuck. No I didn’t mean you… I mean…” I struggle a little. I let out a long sigh. “Ah, just fucking forget about it. Get your asses off the ground. We don’t have time for this crap.”

The goblins quickly scamper back to their feet and jump back into formation. They don’t dare making eye contact with me. It suits me fine. I’m in no mood for this kind crap at the moment.

“I guess I have to do everything myself…” I mutter while walking towards the cave. Wrex opens his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. “Yeah, you’re coming with me. So shut up and get your ass in gear.” I snap at him.

He shuts his mouth and picks up the pace, placing himself squarely in front of me. Shield raised.

We move forwards carefully, not taking any chances. I’m ready to run at a moments notice. With my crossbow firm in my grip, I focus all my attention on staying directly behind Wrex.

It doesn’t take long for us to reach the bend in the tunnel. Wrex sticks his head around the corner first. His brows furrow, before he steps to the side, giving me room to peek as well.

The cave opens up into a much larger cavern, easily thirty by forty meters large, with several smaller tunnels branching off in several directions. The terrain isn’t smooth, with several pillars and rocks jutting out all over the place. I can see several smaller huts along the back end of the room.

The biggest attention grabber in the room however, is the wooden barricade circling the entrance area. The barricade is constructed in a half circle, on a slightly elevated stone platform. It’s a reinforced bottleneck position.

I curse under my breath. The enemy isn’t as big of an idiot as I thought he was.

Manning the barricade, I can spot several kobolds. Fifteen of them to be exact. My stomach nearly drops for a moment until I realize that nine of them seem to be workers.

Huh. Why are they there? I don’t think they can fight. At least my own workers refuse to pick up weapons. Are they just meat shields? Maybe going for an intimidation act?

From the six actual combat capable troops on the barricade, I quickly spot the only one who can possibly be the player. The only kobold wearing full plate armor, with a steel buckler and a shiny hammer. I throw a quick inspect his way.

Kobold Chieftain

Name: Qargon Race: Kobold Tribe: Qargling Horde

Level: ??? Rank: ??? Class: Defender

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

Strength: ???

Damn. It’s going to be tough getting through that armor.

My eyes wander over and I get a good look on the other fighters he has. I can see five fighters, all wielding basic leather armor, as well as an assortment of tier one weapons. This must be the enemy A-team. One of them seems slightly larger than the others, and his posture is different. He also wields a small wooden shield similar to Wrex’s. My best guess would be that he is a lieutenant. They must have one of those by now, and I doubt I’ve already killed him.

I suppose I linger for too long as I spot movement on the barricade. The enemy leader steps forward. “I see you assholes! Get the fuck out of here if you know what’s good for ya!”

Tough guy huh? I like dealing with these kind of people. Still safely in cover, I decide to yank this guy’s chain, so to speak.

“You don’t say? Tell me... What is it that’s good for me?” I yell back.

“Not getting your head bashed in by my warhammer, bitch!”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“No, but I kiss yours.”

I chuckle. “Can’t have that mate. I think I’m gonna go take that warhammer you cherish so much for myself. I’m in desperate need of a new back scratcher.”

I can hear his snort from all the way over here.

“I’d like to see you try, cunt. I have the high ground. You can’t have many men left, and you can’t get past this wall. You stand no chance. So piss off!”

Getting cheeky is he.

He may be right about his position though. His barricade is located on a slight, one meter tall stone ledge at its lowest. Adding on the height of the barricade, I need to climb up at least a meter and a half to get to him. Considering my goblins are short of height, and most my weapons are knives and clubs, assaulting him head on would lead to several losses from my side.

Luckily for me, the other guy is an idiot.

“You may be right about your advantage with that wall dude. But let me point out something that your fat ass forgot.” I lean out of cover and release a quick [Snipe Shot] towards them. The bolt flies true and hits the closest of the fighters between the eyes. It’s a tricky shot, so I don’t dare risk aiming for a higher value target. Besides. I’d look like quite the fool if I missed my first shot after calling him out.

The kobold falls down backwards out of sight. “Shouldn’t have sent your only ranged unit to the meat grinder, noob!” I laugh at him.

“What!?” He screams in outrage. “You fucking pussy! Come out here and fight like a man you little bitch!”

“Now why would I want to do that, when I can just do this?” I loose another crossbow bolt at them. This time however, they see it coming and duck down behind cover.

“Tsk.”

Perhaps this isn’t going to be too easy after all.

“Hey Wrex, go get the troops. We have to finish this by nightfall.” I mutter at him. He grunts softly in acknowledgement and heads off to fetch the troops.

Rounding up the troops, I order them to slowly march into the cave. My plan is to cover them at range and take potshots at them whenever they peek out of cover. I outnumber his fighters nearly two to one. If I can only get one of them over the barricade, I would be in a great position to take the bastard out. I just have to play it safe.

Confident in my success, I have my goblins spread out along the barricade, making sure to keep them out of weapons range. I move closer, safely located behind Wrex as to make sure they don’t pull out any surprises.

I’m just about ready to commence the assault, when Qargon’s hoarse shout cuts through the air.

“NOW!”

I momentarily freeze in confusion as all the enemy non-combatants stand up behind the barricade. They all raise their hands above their hands. What the hell is that in their hands? Is that… rocks?

Oh fuck.

Before I can shout out an alarm, the enemy workers all throw rocks down at my goblins. Two of my goblins get hit on the head and fall over screaming. Another two barely manages to dodge the rocks but get hit on their exposed arms and legs.

Shit! “Grab the wounded! Retreat!” I yell at them, raising my crossbow once more. I launch a crossbow bolt and take one of the kobolds in the chest as he tries to lift another rock. I quickly try reloading as a fierce battle cry from the enemy snaps me to attention. Another volley of rocks pepper my panicking goblins as they try to drag their fallen comrades to safety. Several more go down with nasty cuts and bruises on their bodies.

“Wrex! Cover them with your shield!” I yell. My lieutenant charges forwards, shield raised above his head. With his superior strength, he grabs the leg of an unconscious goblin and yanks him back. Just in time to dodge another rock aimed at his head.

I finish loading my crossbow and waste no time firing back. The bolt strikes a kobold worker through its mouth, the tip sticking out from the back of his head.

The enemy prepares to throw another round of rocks at my goblins. I don’t know if we can take more hits without suffering heavy casualties. I abandon trying to reload my crossbow and jump into the fray.

“Come get me assholes, I’m right here!” I yell, sprinting to the front of the battle.

“Chief, NO!” Wrex yells from behind me. I ignore him as I spread my arms wide. Hesitation can be seen on the enemy faces at the unpredicted turn of events. They all turn their heads and look at their leader, seemingly unsure of what to do.

“What the fuck are you looking at!? KILL THE FUCKER! KILL HIM NOW!” Qargon screams at them.

A split second later, five large rocks are flying towards me. My diversion worked. I jump backwards in order to dodge the incoming rocks. The air gets knocked out of my lungs as my back hits the rocky ground. My eyes track the incoming rocks when I realise. One of the rocks is off its trajectory and heading straight for my face.

I struggle to get my hands up to block it, but it’s all in vain. It’s going to hit. My vision is soon entirely blocked out by the approaching wooden- … Wooden?

A large impact shakes Wrex’s shield as he manages to intercept the rock in the nick of time. The forceful blow knocks his shield backwards, slamming it into the side of my face. I wince at the pain, but the blow could have been far, far worse.

“Get up!” Wrex screams at me.

I quickly roll over and get up into a sprint. I don’t look back as I enter the short tunnel and turn around the corner at the bend in the tunnel. The sound of my enemies’ victory cheers bouncing off of the rocky walls. Soon after, cold evening air fills my lungs.

“Fuck!” I hiss as I slump to the ground, grabbing my knees. “What the fuck was that?”

Nobody answers. Everything around me is completely silent. I look around and take count of my goblins, nearly everyone heavily wounded. A single goblin warrior lies motionless to the side. His chest not moving.

Fuck!

“Stay here and keep them safe.” I shout at Wrex. “And you… you come with me.” I tell the hauler.

I start sprinting down the west side of the hill towards the river. When I arrive, I fill the skulls i brought with water and start rushing back up the hill. The hauler copies my actions, although he only has a small worker's bag that can contain two drinking skulls.

We race back up the hill and waste no time administering the water to all my wounded warriors. They gulp it down like candy, and a few minutes later, their injuries start to fade and color returns to their faces.

“Fucking rocks man… I didn’t know they could do that.” I curse. I lost one of my most elite troops in that assault, and I only managed to kill one… maybe two of the kobold workers. And who knows how many more workers he has? I’m sure there were only nine of them on the wall because there weren’t room for anyone else. He should still have at least forty workers. I can’t afford to do this trade for that long.

The fucker got me.

He even forced me into risking my own life in order to save more of my warriors. That prick. He won’t be doing that again.

I get up and start walking back to the tunnel.

“Where are you going?” Wrex gets up and steps towards me.

“Scouting. I’ll be back in a sec.” I respond in a sullen mood.

“Not without me you’re not.” He states matter-of-factly. I don’t bother responding and head into the cave.

I slow my advance to a crawl as I near the turn in the corridor. Peeking out, I observe the enemy’s fortifications. Crap. It does indeed seem like he has more workers in reserve. Three healthy worker kobolds took the place of the fighter and two workers. All wielding rocks. I try to look for an opening to take another one out, but the kobolds are aware of me. They are all keeping most of their bodies hidden behind the shoddy barricade.

Hrmpf. It’s not looking good. But I can’t afford to give up here either. If I give up on this assault and come back later, it would give him time to produce ranged weapons. And who knows if it’s possible to respawn the advisor? Having him there would be horrible for me. I can’t risk it. I won’t get a better chance than this.

I look over their battlements, trying to spot a weakness. It’s not easy. They have the high ground, they have good cover and they have a large supply of disposable pawns. It will take a long time if I play it safe and attack with hit and run tactics. There are only a few hours left until dawn, and then he could possibly be able to respawn his advisor.

Shit.

I need to find a weakness. What do I have to work with? … My crossbow, Check. I have six warriors wielding spears, clubs and knives… Not overly helpful. I have Wrex with his shield. That’s something. I also have a scout and a hauler. Useless. What else…? Well, I have a way to heal. I’m not sure if the enemy has a supply of water in there. I also have a few extra melee weapons I’ve looted.

Fuck. I can only do hit and run tactics. If only this stupid asshole didn’t have this fucking secluded cave with his wooden barri-. Wait. Wooden barricade? My eyes go round in realisation.

Fuck yes!

I quickly turn and depart the cave, a wild smile on my face. Wrex has a worried look on his face. Perhaps he thinks I’ve finally lost my marbles.

“Are we going home now, chief?” Wrex asks somberly. It seems like he doesn’t like losing either.

“Hell no. We ain’t done here yet.” I grin back at him. He perks up at my words.

“What do you have in mind, chief?”

I cackle in glee. “We burn the fuckers out.”

----------

It takes a good twenty minutes to prepare, but it works out splendidly. My troops prepare to once more delve into the fray. All six of my warriors wield freshly made torches, the light of their fires casting long shadows along the corridor walls.

It ruins our chances at a surprise attack, but to be fair, we don’t need it. This fucker made it personal.

“Back for more, shitface?” Qargon laughs at me.

I respond by flipping him off.

That wipes the stupid smirk off his face. “What do you think you can do with seven measly fighters, asshole? Are you so retarded you can’t see when you are beat?” He sneers at me.

I show him my best grin.

“Let’s see if you’ll keep laughing after we do this?” I gesture my hand at the walls. Six torches are thrown through the air and impacts the sides of the barricade. The surprised defenders yelp in fear as some of them lean over the barricade in an attempt to put out the fire. My response to that is a crossbow bolt to their necks.

“YOU FUCKER! You cowardly fucker! You fight like a little pussy!” He screams at me in a fit of rage.

“So says the guy in full plate armor hiding behind a wall.”

“SHUT UP! FUCKING SHUT UP!” He bellows. “I’ll tear your fucking cock out and shove it down your throat for this!”

Djeezes. I knew this guy had a toxic behaviour. But now it’s just getting sad.

“I’ll fuck your whole family, asshole!” He keeps screaming. Great. Now he is listing all the classic toxic tropes. I guess his next one is gonna be-

“Get cancer and die faggot!”

… Yep, that’s the one.

How old is this kid? Toxic players like him have been the scourge of online multiplayer games for decades. I can’t stand this kind of players. The anonymity of the internet gives them the courage to feel tough enough to insult everyone up the the point where their threats and insults turn illegal. It’s amazing how petty some people can be. It’s disgusting.

The barricade is already on fire, the flames blocking vision from both sides. The enemy leader keeps yelling more obscene insults at me from the other side of the fire. I stopped trying to respond a while ago, and I spend my time trying to spot targets for my crossbow through the dense smoke. I also loosen a few bolts in the direction of Qargon. I don’t expect them to hit, but it does make him shut up for a few seconds.

The barricade starts to crumble under the blazing fire. It hasn’t been burning for more than five minutes. It’s almost as if he dipped the wood in gasoline before he built the wall. I suppose this is another neat game feature. Things burn way faster. Good. I’m getting sick and tired of listening to this asshole.

Another few seconds is all it takes for the barricade to finally succumb. My goblins charge through an open gap in the middle, screaming their battlecries as they go. I waste no time following them into the large battlefield.

Kobold workers are running panicked all over the place. I feared they would keep throwing rocks at me, but it seems like their ability to take offensive measures is tied to them having the greater advantage.

Excellent. This makes things much easier.

My goblins go wild butchering the workers left and right, Wrex being the most ferocious of them all. I do my best to try and make sure they don’t spread out too much, but it seems impossible. I decide to rather keep an eye out for the enemy combatants.

Now where the hell did they run off to?

My thoughts are interrupted by an angry roar coming from behind the large center pillar at the middle of the large cavern. The enemy lieutenant, along with the three remaining fighters rush towards us, weapons raised. I spot Qargon standing a few meters behind them, clearly too scared to enter battle.

Idiot.

At least I learned a thing or two from the guy. My goblins return back into formation at the sound of the approaching combatants. I take a shot at the lieutenant, but he manages to block the bolt with his shield.

“Throw them!” I shout.

My two spear wielding goblins take a step forward and hurl their spears at the incoming fighters. Their eyes widen in surprise as the two spears slam into two of the kobolds. They drop unceremoniously to the ground. Blood pouring from the large wounds on their chests. Wrex releases his own guttural roar as he charges to face the enemy lieutenant head on. Their weapons swinging wildly at one another.

I have full confidence in Wrex’s higher skill levels. I focus my attention elsewhere. The remaining kobold fighter soon gets taken down by the collective effort of three of my goblins.

This only leaves Qargon.

He stands near the center pillar, his back tightly hugging it. His eyes are full of fear and his toxic confidence from earlier is all but gone. He’s fucked and he damn well knows it.

“Please…” He pleads. “We can come to an arrangement.”

I snort loudly. “You threw that chance away ten minutes ago.”

His arms shakes as he raises his shield unsteadily.

“Come on man. It was just for laughs. I just said those things in the heat of the moment. Didn’t mean anything by it.”

“No.”

“Come on man…”

“Fuck no.”

I raise my crossbow, taking careful aim.

“Dude, seriously! I can help you! I read the wiki. You can subjugate me! You probably gained enough experience for it by killing my people. We can work together!”

He takes a step forwards and spreads his arms wide in order to emphasize his point.

That’s the moment I was looking for.

I loosen the crossbow bolt and smile as I watch the bolt burrows through the slit in his steel helmet. His jaw drops open in surprise before his body falls limp to the ground.

“I don’t negotiate with trolls.”

At the death of their leader, an odd occurrence happens. All the remaining kobolds drop over, dead. It’s almost as if someone just cut the strings that held them up. The entire cave suddenly goes deathly quiet.

“Hey! Why’d you do that chief!” Wrex yells from behind me. I turn around and watch Wrex walk towards me at a brisk pace, giving me an angry glare.

“Huh, what do you mean? I killed their leader.”

He walks up to me and jams his index finger at my chest.

“You know what.” He sneers at me.

I give him a dumbfounded look. “What do you mean?”

“Him.” He sneers at me.

“Him?”

He turns around and points at the dead lieutenant.

“That was my prey.” He scowls at me.

Oh shit. He died too when i killed Qargon, didn’t he?

“Ah shit man. Sorry about that.” I tell him. “Didn’t know that would happen.” I give him a weak smile. He gives me a good long stare for a few moments before he turns on his heel and walks off. Delivering a good hard kick to the lieutenant’s corpse on his way past.

Bloody hell.

He is going to be grumpy for a good while.