Despair was overwhelming Marian. Every minute that it took for them to look for Lisi was torture to Marian. She knew Nick was trying his best to find her, and Marian was happy to help, but she wished they could find her sooner. Marian knew the longer it took to find Lisi, the less likely they were going to find her. As she followed Dogmeat and Nick through Libertalia she couldn’t help but feel that she was failing Lisi somehow. Maybe if she let Nick do his job without her, he would be able to take care of things faster.
Marian could picture Nick rescuing Lisi last minute. Having her safe in less time than it would have taken him to find her with Marian’s weaknesses slowing him down.
She watched him firing into a room until a dying mirelurk emerged and collapsed in front of him, and dread overcame her. She was supposed to be a bodyguard. And yet she couldn’t even pay Nick for the job he was currently doing by doing the job she knew she was good at.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” she pleaded, “I know I’m supposed to protect you.”
“Don’t worry about it, Doll. Dogmeat and I were moving too fast, it’s our fault for not slowing down while you recover.” Nick was being condescending. Not that Marian deserved anything else. She accepted his explanation with a smile, at least he wasn’t yelling at her.
He turned his attention away from her and went to the mirelurk. It looked like he was inspecting it. Probably checking to see if he could reward Dogmeat with some food. While he worked, Marian decided to go back to doing what she did best and turned her attention away from Nick to look for danger.
As she looked back the way they had come, she saw danger charging toward them. A giant mirelurk was charging toward them. A mirelurk queen.
“Nick,” she called, hoping that he would see the mirelurk queen and run into the room with her.
“One minute, dear,” he responded.
He was between her and the room. All three of them were exposed. There was no way to get to safety in time.
“Nick!” she called again, needing him to see the queen.
“Don’t worry, Dogmeat still has Lisi’s scent. If she’s stuck somewhere around here, we’ll be able to find her.”
Marian was used to being blown off. She rarely expected people to listen to her, but she didn’t have time to explain why she couldn’t be ignored. She couldn’t let him ignore her.
“NICK!” she shouted, refusing to be ignored.
“What!” Nick responded, finally paying attention to her.
She didn’t have time. She dropped Faenus and ran towards the stubborn man. She could tell he was looking at the mirelurk queen, not at her. His eyes were going wide. Marian pushed him into the water, doing her best to get him out of the way. She didn’t know if water would hurt him, but she had to take that risk.
She felt the acid from the queen hit her back. The pain was comparable to having a minigun tear through her. She was dazed by the pain but was able to bring herself back. She wanted to follow Nick into the water but knew that she would be dead from the radiation before she got to safety. She had to take her chances with the mirelurk queen. At least Nick was safe.
She turned around to see Dogmeat running past her with Faenus in his mouth. She followed him into the room, using a stimpak on herself. The pain barely subsided as she took Faenus from Dogmeat. She looked around, there was no other exit to the room. She had to fight here.
Marian prepared for the fight. She didn’t have long to wait. The mirelurk queen was at the door, yelling to get in. Marian started firing. The queen responded by spitting acid back. Marian was able to avoid most of the corrosive stuff, but couldn’t help but breath a large amount in.
The woman started aiming at the mirelurk queen’s sprouts. She hit her a few times, before the queen laid several eggs which hatched almost immediately. Marian started hitting them with the butt of her rifle, until she noticed that Dogmeat was taking care of them. She let the dog do his thing while turning her attention back to the queen.
Another spray of acid came at her, this time hitting her. Marian was able to turn in time for most of the acid to hit her back, but it still hurt. The pain was overwhelming by this time. She turned around to fire at the queen, her back and arms were barely willing to listen to her anymore. She was relieved to see the queen had turned to ice. It meant she didn’t have to raise her arms.
Suddenly, she saw electricity surge through the queen. The giant creature cried before collapsing. Marian felt relief at the sight of her death. She let the pain take over as she lowered herself to the floor. Dogmeat was taking care of things.
The pain was taking over. She had no doubt that she had just traded places with Nick. She could be happy about that. Nick deserved to be safe. He belonged here. Everything would be okay with him around.
As if thinking about him created him, the man who she fantasied about in her weaker moments entered the room. She looked up from Faenus to see him. She was going to get to see him one last time.
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“Hey, Soft-boiled. Looks like you will finally be able to get rid of me,” she said. She hoped he still hated her. He should only want her around long enough to pay off her debt. Maybe he will find Lisi in return for her saving his life.
“Don’t talk like that,” he scolded as he walked up to her.
He stabbed her arm with something. Then several second later he knelt in front of her. He moved her lips. It was an awkward version of when he rubbed her lips with his thumb in the library. Maybe he wanted to do that again.
Marian decided to ask, just to make sure. After he moved his thumb from her, she asked him, “Do you want to kiss?”
“Maybe later,” he admonished. Of course, he didn’t want to kiss. Why would he want to kiss her? He had Irma, Hancock, and if the rumors were true, Nate. People who outperformed her and out classed her without even trying. She was just…just…Nick didn’t like it when she called herself a monster, but she didn’t know what else she would be. What else could she be?
He put her hand into her cargo pocket. Wasn’t someone supposed to be dead before taking their things? Maybe she was dead already. Was that why he was apologizing to her? She was dead, and he meant for her to be alive longer? She needed to comfort him. She needed to let him know she wasn’t mad at him. He deserved to live, she didn’t.
She still wanted to kiss him. It felt really good to kiss him. So, she let herself kiss him. “You’re forgiven,” she reassured him. How many people get to have someone forgive them after they die?
Nick walked away from her. Did he hear her, or did he not appreciate the kiss? Most people don’t like being kissed by dead people. Maybe it was both. She was starting to feel cold, but that came with being dead.
He came back and knelt beside her. He did something that made pain shoot through her. She screamed; she couldn’t stop the pain. She felt his arm around her. She felt his cloth against her bare skin. Where did her clothes go? She held off, but found her skin getting itchy, even without clothes. She started scratching, trying to get the itch to go away.
She remembered walking with Nick. She remembered feeling his hand on her waist, but he kept her at arm’s length. He must have realized she really was a monster. She was no better than trash. He was beautiful, and she was trash.
That was why he left her on this roof. He was tired of her; he was tossing her away. Maybe RJ would come get her. He was always looking out for her, making sure she didn’t die. But she pushed him off the roof, didn’t she? She had to climb down with the bullets in her to make sure he was alright. She used all of their stimpaks, but he still had a better chance than she did. She had to get him out of the way of the vertibird. She had to get him away from…from….
Who was it? She could only remember fear and pain. A lifetime of fear and pain. She was happy to make the source of the emotions happy, if he was happy, she was safe. She made him angry, her existence made him angry. If she could die, he would be happy, and she would no longer be scared and sad. She wouldn’t be a failure anymore if she could just die.
But she couldn’t die. She promised…promised…a compass that she wouldn’t try killing herself anymore. He would get her away from everything. Get her to where she could be happy. She just had to wait until she was old enough. When she was 17, he would get her there. All she had to do was live.
How much longer until she was 17? She wasn’t sure, and RJ was still at the bottom of the building. Was he dead? Could she get him to Ratchet City in time? She didn’t have caps, but the Doctor owed her a favor. He wouldn’t let RJ die.
She got up to look but heard growling and dropped. Was that danger? Was that something that wanted to kill her? Where was Faenus? She needed her weapon to protect herself. Did she have Faenus yet? She looked around to see if she had a pipe pistol anymore.
Maybe she was sleeping. Xenobia sometimes sounded like that when she snored. But, where was she? She should be holding her. Will Nick be upset if he returns to find her in bed with Xenobia? She never slept with Nick before, why would he be upset if she slept with someone else? He should be happy, it meant she wouldn’t waste his time with her stupid fantasies and unfounded emotions.
Maybe she was sleeping with someone else. Hank never held her after they fucked. He just rolled over and slept. Fine by her, it’ll be easier for her to kill him when everything else was ready. Most of her lovers didn’t hold her. Sometimes they did, sometimes she held them. Which one was the one who was with her? None were like Xenobia, maybe she just rolled over in her sleep.
She started feeling wet, the sky was dark. Was it raining? She could feel the cold, and her pain. She looked around and saw no one other than Dogmeat. She couldn’t find Faenus. Even her knife was gone. She was helpless. She couldn’t protect herself, and she couldn’t kill herself. All she could feel was pain.
“Why didn’t he just kill me?” she asked Dogmeat. Nick Valentine should have shot her in the head the moment she met him, but he never seemed ready to. Maybe he had plans for her. Maybe he would push her in front of something.
“Because my life has been much more interesting since you entered it,” she heard a voice respond.
She felt something in her arm, and the cloud she was trying to think through was fading away. Marian looked up and saw glowing yellow eyes in the dark. She smiled at them through her pain. She felt the cotton from his trench coat around her shoulders. She was sitting in his arms while he was giving her rad-a-way. Then the pain became sharper, and more distinct. She buried her face into Nick Valentine’s chest, trying to muffle her screams of pain.
“It’s okay, Doll,” Nick insisted. “That’s just the radiation poisoning going away. You’ll have to wait for it to leave before we can heal you.”
Marian wrapped an arm around his chest, pulling him into her. She was trying to ride out the pain, but it was so immense. She wondered if she would have been able to take on a radroach without dying. She could feel Nick stroking her scalp. She wanted to enjoy it, but she couldn’t. Somewhere in the back of her mind she swore she would grow her hair, so he could enjoy having something to play with.
Finally, she felt another stab in her arm. She felt the pain subsiding. She found herself breathing easier. She looked up at Nick again. There was enough light to see him clearly. He was smiling down at her. She found herself smiling back at him. She liked seeing him smile, he deserved to be happy. She wished that she could see him happy like that all the time.
“Are you okay?” He asked her.
“It still hurts some,” she told him.
“Can you make it to Croup Manor?” Nick asked. “I think some sleep will do you more good than a stim, but I don’t want you sleeping in this rain.”
Marian thought about her pain for a moment, and decided she would be able to make it to the settlement without much problems. “I should be okay,” she told him.
“I’ll take that kiss now,” Nick told her.
The request shocked her. Nick really did want to kiss her. He really did want more than a partner from her. She found the excitement of that realization to swell up inside of her. She let go of her personal restraints and wrapped her arms around his neck before kissing his lips. He deserved to be happy, but maybe he would be willing to settle with her.