"Don't. Move. It's right above you."

"Above me?" Elspeth Patel gasped, her voice a high pitched whisper. Her body froze, but she couldn't resist tipping her head to look at the ceiling. There was nothing there.

"Elle - I said, don't move!" Lilly Frazer crept towards her friend.

"I don't see anything."

"It's on the shelf behind you. You're about to wear the contents of the flour bin."

Elle grimaced and tipped her head backwards."Great. That'll stick nicely to the treacle in my hair."

Lilly took a tiny step to the side; she felt as if she were playing a game of statues. Any moment now the little creature, perched nervously on the shelf, would decide she was too close, tip the flour over Elle's head, and take off to taunt them from another part of the room. It had happened before - but his weapons of choice had been treacle and the pot of old porridge the chef had left on the kitchen table. They'd been trying to catch it for two hours now.

"I think I can get him this time." Lilly edged closer and the ugly creature eyed her warily, his dirt-stained, knobbly fingers gripping the flour bin tightly as he pushed it forward into an even more precarious angle. A quarter inch further and the flour would be dumped on Elle's head. The ragged little man grinned maliciously at Lilly, daring her to move closer and risk the consequences.

Lilly stopped in her tracks and sighed. "There must be an easier way to do this."

"It'd be easier if you could actually see," Elle grumbled. "It's getting dark - light the lanterns!"

"I told you! He might knock the lantern over - and then we'll have fire to deal with as well." She waved her hand about at the mess in the kitchen. Clary was not going to be happy when he saw this. A series of loud thumps on the heavy oak door made her jump.

"Let me in! I should have started the feckin’ dinner hours ago!" Clary's angry bellow carried through the locked door and echoed off the stone walls of the kitchen. Lilly knew he should be well into the preparation of meals for the hotel guests, but this was the first time they'd been able to trap this annoying 'pook' in the one room. If Clary opened the door there was a danger the creature would flee the room, and Lilly didn't want to have to cope with any more of the mischief it got up to. Clary, and the restaurant patrons, would have to wait.

The creature took advantage of the distraction to push the flour bin forward. Flour poured towards the floor in a powdery torrent. They jumped out of the way just in time to avoid the majority of the mess, but a great cloud of flour still hung in the air, covering them in a thin white coating. Lilly was able to brush herself off, but Elle, who was sticky with treacle, looked as if she was being prepared for deep frying. Lilly stifled a giggle as Elle's brown eyes blinked in surprise, flour falling from her lashes. The little man, who had taken off to perch on the mantle of the great hearth, had no such qualms about politeness. He was laughing so hard he was doubled over, his hands clutching at the rags which covered his pot belly.

Elle's eyes narrowed. "Right! That’s it -" Even through the coating of flour, Lilly could see Elle's face redden with rage. Lilly put out a staying hand.

"Wait! Chasing after him again won't get us anywhere. We have to be smarter. There must be something we're missing. Let's read the book again."

"We've already done everything it says to catch brownies. It didn't work. The vampires don't know shit."

"Maybe it isn't a brownie?"

Lilly pulled out a chair at the kitchen table, wiped off the seat and sat down. Finally conceding to the arrival of evening, she lit a lantern and placed it at arms distance on the table. Pulling the book closer, she wiped a film of flour off the front cover.

'The Compendium of Other World Beings' was meant to be a DIY book on the removal of what the Human and Vampire Alliance politely called 'Infiltrators', but which everyone else called 'pooks' - a variance of 'pokers'. These were the creatures which managed to 'poke' through the thinning veil between the worlds, taking up residence in increasing numbers in the houses and land of the human population. They didn't dare encroach upon vampire property, but human homes were found to be easy pickings.

Lilly blew the last of the flour off the cover to reveal a picture of the smiling faces of a helpful vampire and a grateful homeowner. Every household was required by law to purchase the compendium (colloquially called the ‘Pook Book’), and when it finally came in the post, Lilly had been surprised at its sleek, modern design. She'd expected a weighty tome covered in gilded leather - more in tune with what she thought a book written by vampires would be like.

Rifling through the well-thumbed volume, Lilly found the chapter she wanted - marked by a folded corner on the page. She scanned the information under the title 'Boggart Characteristics'.

- Up to 2 feet high

- Rough complexion

- Whispy hair of varying colours, occasionally bearded

- Ragged clothing

- Unpleasant odour

- Extremely fast

- Responsible for various household mishaps and waking sleepers

*NB A boggart can be differentiated by a bogle, gnome or bogie by its ability to present itself as whatever the observer has recently wished for. Care should therefore be taken to avoid making wishes in an area known to contain a boggart.

"I really don't think this is a boggart," said Lilly. "For starters, I can't smell it. It's supposed to stink."

Elle plonked herself down on the opposite side of the table, a cloud of flour wafting into the air as she sat.

"I can smell it. You know you have a weird sense of smell anyway. And the pook obviously changes. Your mum said she saw your dad the other day. You know that can't be right..."

"Of course it's not right. It doesn't mean she saw a pook. Mum has Alzheimers - she was probably remembering a time before Dad died."

"But what if she'd been wishing for him? The book says boggarts can change into whatever you wish for."

Lilly frowned at the book, and flicked through the pages.

"The book also says you can catch a boggart by offering it something to eat. We've tried shortbread, toast, roast lamb - even chocolate! And it didn't even come near them."

"To be fair, the chocolate was given to me before the Awakening. Who wants to eat six year old chocolate?"

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

"A hungry boggart? I'd imagine they're not too picky," said Lilly. She flicked to the beginning of the book. There wasn't even a contents list, and the creatures weren't in alphabetical order. Whoever wrote the book wasn't very thoughtful.

"Ugh, I wish we could just get an exterminator in," Lilly sighed. She glanced up quickly at Elle. "Aye, I know, I know, we can't have any vampires here if we can help it. If you would just get the damned vaccination it'd make things so much easier."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted uttering them. She'd had this argument with Elle countless times in the past six years since the 'Awakening' - ever since the vampires had come out of the shadows and declared they were taking charge of the earth before humans totally destroyed it for everyone. To make humans feel safer, the Human and Vampire Alliance - 'HAVA' for short, had developed a 'vaccination' which made human blood unpalatable to vampires.

Lilly slumped back in her chair; she knew what was coming. Elle relished any opportunity to rant about the injustice of forcing the population to inject themselves against what she termed the attentions of the 'blood sucking leeches'.

"I am not going to spend my hard earned money on that shite!"

Lilly put out a placating hand - she didn't have time for an argument. "I know! We've been over this already. I'm sorry. Forget I mentioned it. I couldn’t really afford to pay for a professional exterminator anyway." She tapped the open book with her fingertips. "Can we please just concentrate on this damn boggart, bogie, whatever it is!"

"Err, Lilly. It's definitely a freakin' boggart. Did you just wish for a vampire?"

Lilly looked up to find Elle gaping at the door behind her. She followed Elle’s gaze and turned to find a man leaning casually against the closed door, watching them intently, a hint of amusement in his eyes. He was exactly how Lilly imagined a vampire would look - all pale skin, glossy dark hair and a ridiculously handsome face. His outfit didn't fit her vampire stereotype. The vampire of her expectations would be cloaked in black, but the guy standing at the door was dressed casually in denims and a navy blue shirt - the last few top buttons left undone to reveal a t-shirt underneath. Hardly the Gothic, frilly shirt of Lilly's imagination, but then, vampires had well and truly inserted themselves into the modern world, and their wardrobe choices would probably have evolved to match.

"Um... hello..." A myriad of thoughts flitted through Lilly's head at once. She was glad she was positioned between the vampire and Elle. By all accounts, if a vampire got a whiff of an un-vaccinated human it'd go crazy with blood lust and the human would be an insta-meal. But vampires were supposed to be super-fast, super-strong - how was she - a mere 105 pound, 5’6 human - going to hold off a hungry vampire intent on ripping out her friend's throat? Without moving her head, her eyes scanned the room, trying to decide what would make a convenient wooden stake. Her mind went blank - she couldn't think of anything. No doubt afterwards, if they survived the imminent attack, she'd be able to name a heap of handy makeshift stakes.

The vampire's lips curled upward at the edges of his mouth, but he didn't say a word. His nostrils flared slightly as though he were sniffing the air and Lilly tightened her grip on the back of her chair. If worst came to worst, she would try to smash the chair into pieces and use one of the legs to stake the sucker. That always worked in the movies. The vampire wet his lips with his tongue, and pushed off from the door jam, straightening his back to reveal his full height. His hair brushed the stone lintel above the doorway; Lilly guessed he was well over six foot tall and well muscled too. Even if he weren't a vampire, he'd be just about impossible to overpower.

"Lilly, the book says to grab him by the throat." Elle's frantic whisper came from behind her.

Lilly gave her a horrified glare. "Are you nuts? You want me to grab a vampire by the throat?!"

"It's not a vampire. It's a boggart."

"We don't know that!"

The vampire/boggart's mouth began to twitch before breaking into a devastatingly appealing grin. Lilly frowned and blew the hair out of her eyes, studying the vampire's expression. He was either amused by their confusion or rather arrogantly enjoying the deception.

"Look," Elle said, her voice lowered. "The boggart isn't on the mantle any more. And we didn't hear the door open. Vampires can't go straight through walls. That has to be it."

Lilly glanced at the mantle piece over the big old cooker. It was indeed, empty of any taunting little pooks.

"And it would have attacked me by now," Elle reasoned. "You know a real vampire wouldn't be able to resist."

Lilly turned back to the 'vampire'. Elle was right. According to popular belief, an un-inoculated human was irresistible to vampires, and yet this one was still standing by the door, his thumbs casually shoved in each pocket. He seemed too relaxed for a bloodthirsty killer. It was very likely a boggart pretending to be a vampire - after all, hadn't she been wishing for one just a few minutes ago?

"Okay," she conceded. "Tell me exactly what I have to do."

Elle consulted the book before leaning over the table to whisper, and Lilly wondered why she bothered. The boggart would have already heard their discussion.

"Approach it slowly," Elle said, "Be nice, pretend you don't know what it is. Then grab it quickly by the throat. It'll turn back into its true form, but the book says it will let out some awful cussing and might try to bite so be ready for it."

"Right..." Lilly took a deep breath and stood up slowly.

"Here, now, little...er...vampire..." Her voice was high but she hoped it was somewhat soothing.

"It's not a kitten!" Elle hissed from safely behind the table. Lilly threw her a silencing glare.

"I know! What am I supposed to call it?"

"You're supposed to be treating it like you would a real vampire."

Lilly snorted. "I wouldn't be grabbing a real vampire by the throat," she said under her breath. She took a couple of hesitant steps.

"Hello there," she said. "I'm Lilly… Lilly Frazer, and I'm the manager of Rathcraeg Hotel... how can I help you?"

The 'vampire' didn't answer, but his grin widened, laugh lines forming at the corners of his eyes. Lilly caught her breath and swallowed hard. That boggart had excellent taste in blood suckers.

"You're the first... erm... 'vampire' we've had here," she went on, “in fact, we’ve…I’ve…. never seen one before… we don’t seem to get many vampires in the Highlands…” She realised she was gibbering. "Not that you’re not welcome - we’re vampire friendly at Rathcraeg , and, err… we have a nice suite all ready for you so..."

Hoping to catch him off guard, she lunged at him as quickly as she could, grabbing him by the throat with a shaking hand, but somehow, in a fraction of a second, she was twisted around until she was the one pinned against the wall, his iron grip firmly around her throat. His body pressed close and she felt the cool whisper of his breath against her temple.

"Do you give all your guests the same... 'warm' welcome, Miss Frazer?' he asked smoothly.

She held her breath as the grip on her throat tightened, his nose and lips brushing her cheek. He was sniffing her as though he were savouring the scent of newly baked bread. He pulled back and studied her carefully, an enigmatic smile breaking out across his handsome face. She gasped at the sight of his fangs - sharp daggers protruding like stalactites from a row of perfectly white teeth. His grip loosened slightly, his thumb sliding gently across her skin, brushing over her galloping pulse. She jumped as his fangs snapped back behind his teeth and his hand left her neck, resting instead against the oak door as he towered over her. Her mouth opened and closed as she came to the horrific realisation she had just attacked a vampire, and without any provocation on his part.

She was about to stammer an apology when his arm lashed out to stop Elle as she rushed toward him brandishing a heavy iron frying pan. His movement was so quick it was just a blur. One moment he was standing over Lilly in the doorway, the next he was leaning over Elle as she lay, stunned into silence for once, on the flour covered table, the frying pan held protectively against her chest. His nose sniffed at the racing pulse in Elle's neck and his tongue flicked out to touch his bottom lip. Lilly considered jumping on his back to try to wrestle him off her friend, but quickly dismissed the idea. He was far too strong. Without much thought, she grabbed a carving knife on the counter near the door and held the blade to the back of his neck.

"If you so much as drool on her, I will chop off your head!" Her voice sounded braver than she felt. She didn't know whether it was possible to chop off a vampire's head, after all - they were basically immortal, and besides, the thought of chopping off anyone's head, even if she were fast and strong enough to do it, was repulsive.

His hand whipped around and before she even realised it he'd disarmed her and tossed the knife across the room with such force that the blade was buried to the hilt in the solid oak mantle.

He straightened to his full height and studied her for a moment, then turned to Elle, who was still lying in shock on the table. He dragged her up to a sitting position and she perched dazedly on the table edge.

"Seriously," he said, his eyes twinkling in amusement, "You two should take a course in hospitality. No wonder your hotel isn't doing too well."

He held out a pale hand to Lilly. "My name is Charles Rochester. I hear you have an infiltrator problem."