Chapter 29: Too Much
I was too confused to even scramble to my feet. Was Lena making some kind of weird joke? Unless it ended on one hell of a punchline, it was going to land a lot worse than the ones in the video.
A moment passed. Nobody spoke. Miguel and Zhizhi seemed as mystified as me.
Bernie broke the silence with a questioning meep.
Zhizhi seized the opportunity. “What are you sorry about?”
“The way I acted yesterday,” Lena said. “The way I’ve handled the whole video thing.”
“Are you kidding?” I asked. “You were magnificent!”
“Agreed,” Miguel said. “You more than lived up to your name.”
Lena clenched her fists. “That’s my point!”
I stood up and spread my arms. “You’re not making a whole lot of sense, Lena.”
She hesitated, then sort of shuffle-stepped over to me. Her arm brushed my hand, tense as a live wire. I waited for the tension to ease. If that was going to happen, it took its sweet time.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Zhizhi with her eyebrows cocked, glancing at Miguel. He gave a slight shake of his head, and that was enough to relax her.
I realized that her car had been further up the driveway than his, that they’d sat together during the video, that she was answering his door, that they’d arrived as a pair at the park, that Miguel had seen the video before we did. In other words, that Zhizhi had almost certainly become the twelfth girlfriend Miguel had landed in the time I’d known him.
They weren’t over the top about it, no public displays of affection like Lena and I had gotten up to when we first got together. Or when we got back together. Or basically any time we actually were together.
But that glance spoke volumes.
Frankly, I had no idea what to make of the revelation.
A lot of that going around.
Lena reached over and squeezed my hand, then drew herself up. Finally, a release of tension in her arm. She looked at each of us in turn. “The Magnificent Ashbird in that video? Hell yeah, she’s awesome.”
“Just ask you?” Zhizhi said.
Lena chuckled. “More like just ask you. Fifty percent of why the video works is you cutting out all the times I pouted or cursed or shot dirty looks at Matt. Another forty percent, ask Albie, or at least the devs in general, for making my avatar look so cool.”
This wasn’t the first time I’d heard Lena draw a distinction between herself and her avatar in a way I didn’t much care for. It seemed like her go-to for when her flagging self confidence clashed with how cool she looked and how much we all enjoyed watching her.
I started to say something, but she shook her head. “Hear me out, Cam, please.”
I squeezed her arm. “Okay.”
“The last ten percent?” she said. “Fine. That’s me. Prancing around doing a parody of a streamer and pretending like I’m not geeking out over the chance to do it for real.”
“I might argue with your percentages,” Zhizhi said, “but yeah, it’s everything working together. What’s your point?”
“My point is,” Lena said, waving at the frozen image on the TV, “The Magnificent Ashbird? That’s not me.”
“So what?” Zhizhi asked. “You don’t want to do it anymore?”
“So you shouldn’t want me to do it anymore!” Tension back in Lena’s arms. I started to rub it away. She clutched my hand with hers, but I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to stop or keep going. Since I wanted to keep going, I did so until I received further instructions.
Miguel dipped a nacho. “Do you think you’re not worthy, or that you’re not good enough?”
“What’s the difference?” she asked.
He contemplated the nacho the way he usually would his cigarette. I didn’t think it fit his enigmatic philosopher vibe quite as well, but damned if he didn’t try. “The solution.”
Instead of getting annoyed at his little riddles, Zhizhi smiled. If that wasn’t proof they were dating, I didn’t know what would be.
Lena exhibited the sensible reaction and glared at him. After a moment, though, she sighed and said, “Both, I guess.”
“Both are ridiculous,” I said. “You can tell you’re good enough because you’re pulling it off. And you deserve it because you have pulled it off.”
“Yeah, but you’re biased,” she said.
“Immensely so,” I said.
She smiled, briefly. When she turned back to Miguel and, especially, Zhizhi, Her lips curved down. “You’ve got all these plans for how to build our viewership, Zhizhi. You’re behind the scenes, and you’ve already got a job you’re working at, but it’s obvious you’ve put way more thought – or at least more sensible thought – into this than I have.”
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So I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed. I really didn’t want to agree with Lena right now, the way she was talking, but I doubt I hid the tightness in my eyes.
Zhizhi said, “True.”
Lena spread her arms. “We had a deal, and I don’t even know anymore if it was a good idea, but you’ve more than lived up to it. On our end, we haven’t. I haven’t. Half the time I’m too scared to even go scouting, much less make a video of it. I know Cam and I are falling behind.”
“I get why you’re scared,” Zhizhi said. “Unless this is a prelude to you quitting Third Eye, though –”
“No!” Lena’s eyes snapped to Bernie.
He burbled at her.
“I’ve got to do better,” she said. “It’s just... the match yesterday, and now seeing how incredible you’ve made it look in the video? It’s kind of bringing home how much better.”
“And you,” Miguel said, “don’t think you can do it.”
“It’s crazy to think that I can,” Lena said. “You’re already pumping me up to be so much more than I actually am. It was different when Cam and I were just fooling around on video. I could pretend it was a joke. What you shot, Zhizhi? I can’t keep up with it. Can’t get close, much less to where I’m supposed to be.”
Miguel’s response was to slide his nacho into his mouth and give it a nice slow chew. It looked to me like he was smiling, but maybe he just liked the dip he’d made.
No smile from Zhizhi. She grabbed a nacho, too, but crunched it without even bothering to dip it.
“Now this tournament thing,” Lena said. “You remember what Erin said, right, Cam?”
Unfortunately, yeah. “If you can’t beat Matt, you need to revise your expectations.”
Lena nodded. “And did you hear what Matt told me?”
“About the tournament?” I shook my head. “I didn’t realize you talked about it.”
“It was after the video wrapped,” she said.
I remembered the two of them talking off to the side, but before I could get involved in that conversation, I’d been distracted by Benji. He’d asked about YouTube monetization and I’d had to admit I didn’t have precise answers to his questions. Great conversation.
Lena squared her shoulders. “Matt said that if I really believed in what Erin and the wiki team were trying to do, and I wanted to represent them at the tournament, I’d better have a lot more tricks up my sleeve than what I’d shown him.”
“That’s bullshit,” I said. “The guy admits you’d have beaten him if you fought all the way to zero, then he turns around and runs you down?”
“Where is the lie, though?” Lena asked. “I pulled out all the tricks I had, and under the rules you set, I still didn’t win.”
“That’s not the point.” I reached my arm around her back.
She ducked away. “It is, Cameron!”
My hand flopped to my side.
“Which leaves us... where, exactly?” Zhizhi asked.
Lena hung her head. “You need to find somebody else. Somebody better. Maybe Erin, if she was willing.”
“First of all,” Zhizhi said, “she’s not. Which I don’t blame her for at all. Do you have any idea of the kind of shit she’d go through if she put herself out there on the internet?”
“Tons, I know,” Lena said.
“Second. No offense to Erin. She’s really sweet, and she seems crazy smart. Great admin. And her avatar? Cooler than yours, even.”
Lena’s eyes snapped up.
“At some point,” Zhizhi said, “you need to figure out why you’ll run yourself down, but a word against your DeviantArt OC and you act like I stabbed you.”
“That’s –!” Lena sucked air through her teeth. “Fine. I should figure that out, yeah.”
“As I was saying,” Zhizhi continued, “Erin’s avatar? Awesome. Her screen presence? Her line delivery? Yeah, no. You’re not building a YouTube audience off those.”
“What I do on camera,” Lena said, “I’m just faking it.”
“Which you’ve proven you can do,” Zhizhi said, “and I have no reason to believe Erin can. Spoiler alert. Every person you’ve ever watched stream or do a video series? They’re playing a part. It might be a fictionalized version of themselves, but it’s still a part. You actually play yours really well, Lena.”
“Way to disillusion me about all my parasocial relationships,” Lena muttered.
“Consider it a public service,” Zhizhi said.
Lena tried to crack a smile. “Still. What about Joon Woo? Good player, wiki team member, basically the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. People would definitely tune in to watch him, wouldn’t they?”
“I’d sign up for his OnlyFans,” Zhizhi said.
I wanted to say I’d be annoyed if Lena had said that, or that I was when she nodded along, but Miguel just laughed and so did I. Some truths are undeniable.
“But on YouTube?” Zhizhi shrugged. “Maybe. I’d have to see him do a video with decent script and editing. That Earth one on the Discord is a mess. He’s got the looks and the technical know-how, but that’s not how you build an audience.”
“Also,” I said, “I doubt Joon Woo is in any position to represent the wiki team at the tournament. He was all in on Erin’s anti-PVP stance before, and he’s also got a full-time job on the other side of the country. Do we even know if he’s a good player under pressure?”
“Do you even know if I am?” Lena asked.
Instantly, I said, “Yes.”
Her eyes widened.
“You lost to Matt because you screwed around and mugged for the audience,” I said. She winced, but I pressed on. “In other words, because you weren’t under pressure. Back at the construction site, you slung explosions without a moment’s hesitation. You’ve got tons to learn. We all do. But what you know, you’ve proven you apply better with your back to the wall than any other time.”
Lena scratched the back of her neck. She swallowed. “You guys...”
“You want to know the truth, Lena?” Zhizhi asked.
“Probably not,” Lena said. “Hit me.”
“You’re not good enough,” Zhizhi said. “And you don’t deserve it.”
Lena stared. Bernie hissed. I snapped my eyes to Zhizhi and glared. The only reason I didn’t snap at her was the sight of Miguel on the couch behind her, flashing an unreadable smile.
Zhizhi grinned at us. “Nobody is and nobody does. Least of all the on-air talent. Believe me. You know what I do in my day job? Mostly, I print things out and run them around a studio. Print. In 2023. Seriously.”
Lena and I both cringed at the thought. We didn’t even own a working printer, and the less said about our handwriting, the better.
“I do that,” Zhizhi said, “for a bunch of people who aren’t good enough and don’t deserve it. The difference with you is, you realize it. Working with you isn’t always headache free, but trust me, it’s a big improvement.”
“And if I screw it up?” Lena asked.
Zhizhi’s grin widened. “That’s the best part of being on the other side of the camera. If you screw it up, no one will know to blame me.”