I had almost finished my house of cards when the draft of the door opening sent it comically tumbling down. It left me posing with the top 2 cards, wondering how much plot value there was in the metaphor I had thrown together out of boredom. There were, however, more important things. Like the 3 demons that had walked into my VIP not-prison-cell.
Among them was a plate-clad fellow, face all but obscured by unnatural shadow, the only sign of biology being the horns protruding from his helmet, and the two stereotypical angry half-circles of light that pass for glowing eyes these days. There was a larger fellow with a gorilla-ish build and spiky hair, wearing a pinstripe suit. And, of course, there was my favorite.
“Hello, Hubbs,” Chivos greeted curtly, though his frustration was not for me. “Trouble finally reared its ugly head?”
The larger, pinstripe-suited demon sat to my right, and answered for me. “We wouldn’t be here if it was sunshine and rainbows, pencil pusher. Pyke Thurculon,” he introduced with an offered handshake.
I reciprocated. “Dennis Lawson. And your associate?” I asked, gesturing at the fellow wielding an anime-sized 2-handed sword.
“Security staff. Pay him no mind.” He leaned on the table with his elbows. “Unless you have any more pleasantries, I recommend that we get into the timeline of events.”
I gave Chivos a glance, and he nodded approvingly with quill in hand to stenograph. “Yes, let’s.”
Pyke pulled a scroll from his coat pocket and unrolled it. “We’ll begin with the testimony of Agent W.”
“Who?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Agent W. ______... your bodyguard?” he asked, gesturing at the ‘empty’ seat to my left.
“His name is ______?” I squawked with indignation.
Apparently the wind does have a name, but I won’t repeat it here. Why? Because it’s in my legal best interest not to disclose the name of a demon secret agent? Perhaps. Because his name is cringe and unbefitting of a demon? Big yes. And maybe because I have a running joke to whip until it reaches the finish line? Abso-freaking-lutely. I’m also going to skip over a bit of the ensuing name confusion, because it stopped being funny and went nowhere.
“Now, as I was saying. According to testimonies from Agent ______, you were returning home from an irrelevant-to-current-situation outing, when you attempted to unlock the front door of your home. However, it came off the hinges and fell inward. His testimony then summarizes the scene within as ‘consistent with the aftermath of the activation of several home defense systems’. Care to elaborate on that?”
“Umm, yes, my home interior was caked in snow. I have ice rods watching every window, motion-activated with IFF…” (Insert long winded explanation of my particular home defense tech and the Identify Friend or Foe system.) "So there's really no chance it went off by accident. I fixed that issue."
"So you attest that there is little to no chance of false alarm?"
“Yes. And that’s about all I can offer. The scene of the crime will tell the rest.”
Pyke straightened up. “Speaking of which. Agent K, get us an update on the security detachment.”
The armored fellow saluted and promptly scuttled out of the room, comically large sword in tow. This left us with a lull in the conversation, which Chivos promptly seized as a chance to go over the home insurance implications of these events. It was boring, but sweet. (He does finances when he’s stressed.) Amidst our refresher on filing claims correctly, Agent K returned with a pair of stones in hand.
“Mr. Thurculon, they want to talk to you urgently. Something about a passel of angels.”
Pyke smacked his forehead. “Ugh, damnable multi-agency affairs. Here I was hoping we could wrap up our sweep before they arrived…” he paused. “Lawyer, strike that from the record. K, stones please.”
He held them to his head with a scowl. “Hello? This is Senior Agent Pyke Thurculon, Department of Extra-infernal Affairs, Important Persons Division. … Case number 424691, Dennis T. Lawson P.T.I.P. … Yes, I’m in charge of the case. … No! They’re supposed to be there! … No, I’m not calling them off! It’s their fucking job you ingrate. … You’re not securing the scene because THEY ALREADY SECURED IT! You. Were. Late. …
“Give the stones back to my subordinate right now.” He held the stones away from his ears to take a deep breath. “Agent, is the scene secure? … Local guards informed? … Area swept? Sightlines obstructed? … Great, we’re on our way. Don’t listen to a single order from those chicken-wing pansies until we get there. Sinners’ blood be upon ye.”
Pyke hung up the call and stood abruptly. “Come on, all of you. We’re headed topside.”
……
The area was, indeed, quite secure. An overpass field had been erected in a 70-ish foot radius from my house. Anyone that walked in one end would warp right to the other side, same for projectiles, magical attacks, and line of sight was blocked because it’s too blurry to pick people out through it. As for the people who lived inside said radius… I think someone was helping out with that… um, moving on.
Within the scene was quite a gaggle of disparate participants. The first responders, of course, were the demons. 36 security staff clad in matching plate armor (Agent K being one of them) with relevant agency insignia, all armed with melee of choice and wands, with assorted specialty items sprinkled in. Throw in Pyke, Chivos, and the invisible feller for a grand total of 39.
Then came the heavenly task force. 1 lone archangel, Thirael, with whom Pyke was arguing. He wore some fairly greek/fantasy styled white sheet clothing with token shiny armor baubles and laurel crown, as did most of the angels; because they’re roughly 3-67 times harder to kill than your average demon, and have socialized healthcare to put them back together every. single. time. Then was the heavy artillery: A seraphim. A very polite angel with 6 wings, 2 covering the face, 2 covering the feet, and 2 for flying, just like the bible intended.
She was essentially a very courteous and proper… living nuclear bomb. If needed, she could erase the entire town in about 4:35. TL:DR, an integer overflow amount of fire damage, with a max damage reduction of 75%. Not that you’d ever manage to piss one off… right? She also was the smallest angel present, discounting the wings. The last singleton was a wheel. The so-called ‘biblically accurate’ angel, with the 3 eye-encrusted rings spinning around each other, plus wings ‘n stuff. I don’t know what their main purpose is, but our boi that day was serving as a kickass 360° surveillance camera.
Throw in 8 regular angels, like archangel but smaller and replace massively pompous with a tamer flavor of haughty. And, finally (at least for the angels), about a dozen cherubim with messenger bags, notepads, pens, and telescopes to be adorable tertiary spy cams. Oh, and they had loincloths, thank god.
To wrap up the whole messy scene with a nice bow, we also had 2 local town guards. The most important being the 2nd in command, Lt. Karbers, because god forbid the captain show up for anything. (Cap’s encounter rate is like 2% at most.) Karbers was accompanied by a rookie, whose only job was to write things down. They both looked in over their heads as one of the more magically equipped demons was explaining the overpass field. Poor fellers weren’t paid enough for this crap, bless their hearts.
“Those idiotic louts have been unproductively butting heads for 6 minutes now,” Chivos grumbled.
I snapped out of my marveling at the scene. “Well what did you expect? We’re lucky they’re not coming to blows… yet. What are they arguing about now?”
He scribbled further notes. “Presently, they are locking horns over whose investigator can sweep your house first. Neither wants to search for clues after the other disturbs the scene.” He snapped the cap onto his glitzy pen. “Fortunately, I believe my opportunity has come to break this stalemate.”
Chivos approached the pair of roosters crowing angry epithets back and forth and cleared his throat. I was eager to see him wrangle the lot.
“What is the reason for this delay? Every moment wasted on indecision could be costly!” he barked in a disciplinary tone.
Thirael pointed at Pyke. “I will not permit a clumsy, uncaring demon to investigate the scene before our own specialist!”
“And I will not abide an angel to enter unsupervised! You have changed evidence before and will do so again,” Pyke retorted sourly.
The argument was about to rev up again when Chivos snapped his fingers as loud as a whip crack. “Gents, gents, please. It seems this is an impasse too significant to resolve within an acceptable timeframe. I would like to propose an alternative.”
“I highly doubt a second demon could offer a solution superior to the first.”
Pyke shrugged. “Well, let’s hear it, pencil pusher. At worst, it’ll be a nice break from our… lively debate.”
“Fine,” Thirael spat.
Chivos straightened up, looking all prim and proper. “I have my own investigative agent, who is far more neutral than either offering thus far. He is already supposed to inspect this incident, and has… sufficient qualifications?” he offered in a rising tone, extending a quality leather bound booklet.
The angel snatched the oversized pamphlet and eyed it dismissively. Yet, before he could open it, the thing ballooned in size to a tome large enough to make a wizard blush, bringing Pyke and himself pause. They each held one end of the book as they leafed through it. Pyke was quite impressed, while Thirael was flummoxed.
“Alvurosinell, would you come interpret this, please?”
The wheel angel descended from his vigil at the peak of the overpass field. A dozen eyes fixated upon the book. A mysteriously convenient gust of wind blew the pages front to back, and Mr. Unpronounceable's eyes darted about the passing pages. In mere seconds, he finished thinking and made eye contact with everyone present.
“This solution is optimal,” he stated in a dry, but exceptionally imposing voice (metallic and reverberating).
As the wheel left, Thirael snapped the book shut with a dour expression, much to Pyke’s enjoyment. “Very well. How soon can he be here?”
“About 8 minutes,” Chivos answered politely as he took back the shrinking volume.
My husband—or, situationally, wife—returned to me with a very pleased expression. “And now the jammed gears spin once more.”
I clapped softly. “Bravo, bravo. Another bunch of fools all straightened out,” I congratulated. “Who was your big shot pick that won them over?”
“Our home insurance adjuster.”
“Oh. Okay.”
……
He was indeed quite something. Unlike the typical dapper or intimidating garb, he wore something akin to a monk’s clothes. A very light, short tunic-style orange robe over soft, airy Arabian pants, and a fine sash. He was also blindfolded, and hovering. I gave him my blessing to enter the house, allowing him to do so without being blasted by the security system. He promptly floated in, pen and pad in hand. The moment he removed his blindfold, the interior of the house was bathed in blinding light, which I was informed was business as usual.
Amidst milling about, finding something to look at that didn’t bore me or burn my eyes, I was tapped on the shoulder by one of the 8 angels keeping the perimeter.
“We have a vampire that claims to associate with you. Is she speaking the truth or are we taking her into custody?”
I quirked an eyebrow, but was quite relieved. “My answer depends entirely on if her name is Mattirina.”
“I didn’t ask,” he stated flatly. “Come on, you can identify her yourself. Hecate! Security event.”
The seraphim fluttered over in response to her name being called. Great, she’s named after a goddess of the underworld, I groaned internally. We went to where Matti was and I was given a 1-way window to identify her. To no one’s surprise, it was her. Though she was mildly disguised at the time. She was having a rather tense stare down with the angel on the other side of the overpass.
“Yeah, that’s Mattirina. Let her in, do your security checks or whatever, she’s cool.”
The demon in charge of that side of the field nodded and waved open a door, which Matti was unceremoniously pushed through, only to come face to face with several armed celestial/infernal beings, and the thermonuclear device.
“Hi, Matti. These security guys are a little twitchy, do you mind jumping through a few of their hoops?”
“U- u- umm… s- sure!” she stuttered out, unable to look away from the level… 3… 4… 5ish thousand seraphim (nobody actually knows the number).
It was nearly a strip-search, though they stopped 2 layers shy. While they removed every weapon, armor, and magic bauble from her, she was taking in the scene and rife with questions.
“W-, what happened? Why are there angels and demons here… and collaborating, no less?”
I sighed. “Well, someone broke into my… our house. And they’re not dead.”
Matti’s face could best be described with a colon and a capital O ( :O ). "That… that means they were… very skilled. But why? I can’t imagine why someone would break into your hou–”
The angel bundling up her numerous weapons cut her off. “Dishonesty of any form will not be tolerated at this time.”
She looked at him for a long moment, then me, then the ground was suddenly quite interesting. I sighed again, more heavily, and crossed my arms.
“C’mon, Matti, let’s have a little chat,” I uttered in a low tone, beckoning her over.
The security detail waved her through and she approached me, hands together behind her back, still investigating the pavestones. Her dignified air was all but gone as she was red in the face and wearing the fantasy equivalent of long underwear. We moved to a small alley that had been reduced to a tiny nook by the overpass.
“So,” I opened tonelessly, “have anything to tell me?”
Matti rolled a pebble around under her shoe. “I may have… not come here because I thought you were boyfriend material… but… because the league contracted me to guard and spy on you.”
My brow scrunched up. “Yeah, I figured.”
She cringed at my sarcastic tone. “You knew?”
Commence sigh numero tres. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Not concretely, no, but... Matti, you are a lot of things, but subtle? Let’s just say it could use some work.”
My hand gestures ramped up to the point I was legally speaking Italian. “As a GC and generally friendly guy, I have lots of experience with women throwing themselves at me, but they all have features in common. After a few decades of it, you start learning what kind of woman would do that. Desperation, desire for strong descendants, the protection or status of a great hero… you’re really not the type.”
Matti opened her mouth to reply, but I held a finger up. “I wasn’t immediately suspicious, it started as a social occasion between us. But with your insistence on a relationship of any kind, your desire to share a house, your willful ignorance of issues and risks… it painted a picture. There were ulterior motives, and, by the process of having a brain, knowing who you associate with… and recent events in my life, I surmised that: You were sent to keep an eye on me, or get secrets out of me. The former being, honestly, quite welcome, and the latter being next to impossible, for many reasons.”
She was looking me in the eye again, and was genuinely a bit sad. “I’m sorry, Dennis. I didn’t like lying to you; one of the first consistently nice people in my life in decades. But it was a lot of money, and made a great ‘in’ as a contractor for the league.” She let out a big breath. “In hindsight, I wonder if I could have gotten the same, or better results if I approached you honestly.”
I shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I get why you lied, but it’s nice to have that over and done with. Shame about the relationship being a front, though. I did like you.”
She winced again and put her hands up. “No, no! I may have exaggerated my interest at first, but it was real, truly! It was that passing curiosity that pushed me to accept the contract, and… you’ve been really… nice to spend time with.”
I slow-nodded, then addressed the angel standing 2 feet behind her. “Any dishonesty?”
“Nnnope.”
As he responded, Matti nearly leapt out of her skin, startled by the first person to sneak up on her in gods know how long. And as she sailed through the air, she instinctively contorted to land in my arms, hands wrapped around my shoulders. I would have found it adorable… if my mind hadn’t immediately likened it to a certain great dane leaping into a stoner’s waiting arms at the slightest spook. The angel chuckled and backed off all of 3 paces.
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I looked her in the eyes, snickered, and set her down. “That’s nice. Maybe the relationship isn’t dead. Though, the next step of our relationship might be living separately.”
Her face flushed red. “Buh- but relationships progress to moving in with one-another.”
“Yeah, but we already did that. We’re doing things backwards, remember?” I reminded, booping her on the nose. “Hey! Is the adjuster done yet?” I yelled past her.
“Almost, mayhaps a few more minutes!” Chivos called back.
“That’s good. Come on, I’ll get you up to speed on what happened.”
And that is precisely what I did. I summarized the events from my return to town until the present moment for her, and she listened very intently.
“My main worry right now is Grif and Varia. They haven’t turned up yet, though I did call for them.”
Matti clutched her chest in relief. “Oh, goodness. Pokle has them. She took care of them while I was out.”
I bent backwards, then swung forwards in a big, relieved (and hard to describe) expression. “Thank fuck! I was so worried about those 2. But… uh, how long were you away?”
“I left 3 days ago around noon, and came back yesterday a bit before noon, but I didn’t come home until now…” she said, transitioning into a yawn and a stretch.
“Huh, I can’t think of the last time you left town for more than a day. That makes the timeline of the break-in more muddled. It’s gone from… the span of your usual shopping trip to, well, what you said. Chivos, Pyke, Thirael!” I yelled, drawing them over.
“What is it, Mr. Lawson?” Pyke inquired.
I crossed my arms. “You know the part where I said Matti is usually home, so it had to be recent?” The trio nodded in unison. “Throw that out. She just got back from a 3-day outing.”
“Shit!”
“Hellfire and damnation upon this turn of fate.”
“That is most unfortunate. However, it is another point for the premeditated crime hypothesis.”
The above sentences were uttered by the trio before they thanked me for the update and went back to their duties. As for who said what, I could specify, but I respect your intelligence to figure it out all on your own, big boy (or big girl [or fully grown they/them (shit, I did the parenthetical aside within the parenthetical aside unironically this time [I hate this and myself])]).
Obligation satisfied, I returned to battling boredom. “So, what took you away for 3 days and nights?”
Matti seemed embarrassed again, looking at me sideways. “Must I tell you?”
“With the way you said that? Now I have to know. We’re entering our honesty phase now, riiiight?” I added with a goofy elbow nudge.
She sighed and visibly deflated. “Pokle called in that favor. Her sister stoned and said their hometown was under attack by monsters. She was going to go defend it, but I went instead because, well, you know who can fight better.”
I furrowed my brow. “I don’t see why you’d be embarrassed about that.”
“It’s not that part. We won—flawlessly, no less—but when they asked me what I wanted as payment, I asked for—among other things—the finest young virgin maiden in town. I… didn’t realize that I was ‘given’ Pokle’s sister until after I hypnotized her, made her wash me… and my clothes… and drank her half dry.” We locked eyes, and she was beet red. “I gave her a healing potion.”
We stared each other down for a solid 4 seconds before I doubled over laughing. I emptied, refilled, and emptied my lungs all over again cackling at her expense.
“Oh my fucking god, Matti. Again with the subtlety thing! The main good stereotype about women is how y’all are supposed to notice everything, can’t you at least have that?”
She started playing footsie with the pebbles again. “I did notice!” she squawked indignantly. “I simply… had not cared enough to notice quickly.”
“Girl, you’re like bringing a sledgehammer and chisel when someone asks for a sewing needle.”
Her gaze bored ever deeper into the ground. “I’m starting to believe that. Pokle’s sister called to tell the good, and bad news before I finished riding back, even though I’d taken Pyroshir. She gave me an earful, then dragged me by the same ringing ear and sat me down in front of a stack of receipts a mile high. Made me add them up for your quarterly taxes. Took all day, then we went and got drunk and made up… I think. We collapsed into a drunken heap on her bed.”
“Oh, you resolved it yourself? Wonderful, that’s 1 less thing for me to worry about.” I paused. “Just FYI, if I didn’t suspect you were a covert plant to keep me safe, I probably would have broken up with you when you assaulted Pokle. Or asked for a break at the very least.”
Matti was about to retort, object, or otherwise express indignation of some sort, when it was announced that the adjuster had completed his sweep. Everyone of note quickly crowded around the entrance to see the him float out and set foot before us, tying his blindfold back onto his head.
“My work is complete. How many paper copies are required?”
After a quick murmur, it was decided that we needed 6, with a copy to read and a copy to archive for each of the 3 factions present. The demon nodded, then held out the thick sheaf of papers and slowly panned them in an arc, creating 6 after-images of the document, which we plucked out of the air. At the slightest touch, they became fully realized paper. To my astonishment, it was 135 pages.
“135?” I balked. “You got all this in, like, 15 minutes?”
The demon bowed slightly. “Yes. My apologies for the abnormally long investigation. Some of the details were exceptionally difficult. Due to the nature of this case, delays in payout should be expected.” He offered a small red crystal. “For the Lawsons: My findings in projectable holographic format.”
Chivos took the crystal and thanked him, which was the his cue to leave.
“Any chance I could see that crystal?” Thirael asked in a suddenly buttery sweet tone.
Hubbs quickly pocketed the stone. “None whatsoever. You can expect a copy in the mail upon written request to my office.”
The angel left to send his own investigator in, grumbling all the way. Pyke gave his man a nod, sending them in as well. Then, he addressed Chivos with a raised eyebrow.
“You really took the human’s name?”
Chivos looked insulted. “My good sir, I was designed, built from the ground up and trained from activation by my parents to be the ultimate legal savant. For damnation’s sake, my name is a play on ‘archive drivel’! And yet, the man I marry to spite the legal system within its own rules had a better name than I could have ever imagined! Lawson. Lawson! Of course I had to take it! It was my moral duty for all that is right and serendipitous in the world.”
Pyke was quite shocked at such an emotional outburst from a lawyer of all people. Rather than reply, he elected to nod and scurry away. Chivos straightened up and adjusted his tie, ensuring it was still flatly tucked into his dapper silk vest.
“That was… refreshing, if somewhat unbecoming.”
I held my hands up. “No, no, not at all. That fiery temper shows you're still the man I married.”
He cracked a slight smile. “Yes. We're like those you told me of on Earth; the friends so close they marry one-another solely to share health insurance from the one who has it, to the one who is ill.”
“Yeahhh… that… can we talk about something else?”
Matti tapped me on the shoulder, reminding me that she did, in fact, exist. “Is it really true that he took your name?”
“Yes, I did,” Chivos answered in my stead. “Technically, I hyphenated into Drivellum-Lawson. It allows me to introduce myself with my demon name for purposes of social standing. I rarely use the Lawson name, though I do treasure it.”
He extended a hand to shake. “Mattirina?” She nodded and took it. “Charmed. Chivos. Dennis speaks quite highly of you. Thus far you have been painted as capable, dangerous, affable, kitchen-savvy, intelligent, and attentive. I can see why he keeps you around.”
She blushed slightly. “Thanks. I wasn’t expecting you, as his husband, to approve of our relationship.”
“Oh it’s nothing. Harems and affairs are expected, and our marriage is foremost built for legal advantage. Ah, that reminds me. Your praises may have been sung, but for your shortcomings…” he began, conjuring a business card to hand her. “I believe this service could help you overcome being so catastrophically stunted, emotionally speaking.”
The blush was gone, and she accepted the card like it was poison. “Thanks…”
“Of course. Now, I believe we have a large report to review, and require a quiet place in which to read it. Would your office work?”
“Sure. Can you be inconspicuous?”
He donned a foldable cap from his bag that turned his features entirely human, as well as de-dapperifying his clothes. “I can be the most inconspicuous here.”
“Nice. You! Give Matti her things, we’re relocating while you finish up here.”
The demon acquiesced, but Pyke elbowed in. “Hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere without a security detail.”
Right then, Hecate placed a hand on his shoulder. “He desires to attract little notice from the common folk. Perhaps this will suffice?” she offered, passing me a genie-style lamp. I accepted it, but looked up to her a bit puzzled.
“Ok, but how is thi–”
Before I could finish, her wings opened and entire body flashed aflame, losing all physicality. She was an angel shaped inferno with blue flame where her eyes used to be. Then, slowly, the massive sentient blaze shrunk down, to a roaring campfire, then a torchlight, and, finally, a candle flame, which floated down to inhabit the wick protruding from the lamp. I blinked at it a few times.
“Oh... umm, no comment. Let’s go.”
……
We reached the Golden Point office unmolested, and with no conspicuous beings following us. I finally remembered that the wind existed when I accidentally closed the door on him, the first time I’d forgotten him for a while (if you don’t count the part where I could have left him in the belly of a leviathan). I ushered the gang to my office, then slipped out to briefly address my employees, who were used to me returning with a more bubbly attitude.
“Alright everyone, listen up. There’s been an incident not directly involving the company that severely affects me and my availability. I’m going to have to go on leave starting today and lasting an undetermined amount of time. All the jobs on my calendar are getting divvied up between everyone working here, pawned off on other locations, or canceled. This could mean a lot of overtime, but remember, volunteer basis only. Every day off you work is time and a half, as usual. There will probably be some security people assigned to this location and yourselves as well.
“Greesley, I want you to write down a list of your earliest availabilities. I’ll let you know which day I can do your volcano rod training. In the meantime, I want this news relayed to every employee that calls in from the field.”
“Yes, Sir!”
“Tony, you’re the highest level here. I’m going to give you first dibs on the tougher jobs that’re particularly dangerous, and you can take loaners from my personal armory. You’re probably on-track to being our resident high-risk operations specialist. Talk to Pokle about it when y’all have the time.”
“Alright, I can manage that. Thanks.”
“Marccio, I know we don’t talk much, but you’ve been showing an aptitude for paperwork and the like. With me gone, Pokle will have even more on her plate. She’ll need another managerial staff member and you’re definitely in the running. I want you to consider it; she’ll probably come asking you and a few others.”
“Okee, Buass.”
I smacked the back of my hand into my palm repeatedly. “You see? This is why I pay you people! Everyone listened, nobody complained, and I bet you’re all planning on how to deal with this bump in the road. You make me proud to own and operate this company.”
Greesely raised his water cup. “Hear hear!” he stated, which spread like wildfire among those present.
“Love y’all too. And if anyone calls asking for me, you tell them I no longer work at this location, and am currently unavailable.” I glanced at Pokle, who had cracked open her office door at some point late in my speech. “You, your office, 5 minutes. I’ll give you a full rundown, could take half an hour. Make the time.”
She glanced around nervously. “Okay, Boss.”
Her door shut and I looked to the office. I was going to drop a ‘get on it, people’ to break the post-speech trance, but that had already happened. A genuine smile materialized on seeing them diligently at work. I entered my office and saw Chivos already a fair way into the report with Matti.
“How’s it looking?”
She glanced up with a confused expression. “This is shockingly detailed, but it makes it difficult to grasp the full timeline quickly.”
Chivos chuckled. “Nonsense. You mortals are so obsessed with efficient writings that detail falls by the wayside. I will finish my interpretation of these texts within the hour.”
I clapped my hands together. “Wonderful. I’m going to work on disentangling myself from this location. Come holler at me if you finish first, I’d like a good summary. Matti, you pull security for him. Maybe gossip about shortcuts to my heart or something.”
“Sure. Take your… new flame with you, then,” she replied, jerking her head at the genie lamp I made her take to my desk.
“Yup. Right after I check the little secret room. They might’ve gone for that too.”
Spoiler alert: It was fine. Jump-cutting to Pokle’s office.
……
I slid the door shut behind me and felt some tension leave my shoulders. Pokle was at her desk, swinging around a little fishing pole with some feathers on the end for Grif, who was rolled onto his back and batting at them. It was so relieving to see him safe. Varia was curled around her neck as well.
“So, Bossman,” she opened with a concerned tone. “You’re not usually one for speeches. Last one was… the hot tamale incident?”
I moseyed over and sat across from her, setting the lamp on the desk. “Yeah, I only deliver speeches when the going gets tough. It’s a bad habit.”
She shook her head with pursed lips. “Let’s hear it then.”
I leaned forward. “Alright. Good news is it doesn’t directly involve Golden Point. The rest of the news is as follows: My book of favors, remember that? One of the biggest ones got called in, led to a huge extracurricular activity, let’s call it. The details are, well, the less you know, the better. But the important part is that by doing what I did, I have been roped into a massive web of intrigue. It’s clear that someone is after me. My house was broken into when it was visibly vacated.”
Pokle clasped a hand over her mouth. “Omigosh, that poor man. Were they able to identify the body?”
“No, that’s just it. They broke into my house… and lived.”
“Oh… that’s not good. Any idea who did it?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. I can probably eliminate a few factions though. The LCE, the Hells, the Forces of Light, and the Heavens probably didn’t do it, as they all have someone at my house investigating the scene of the crime right now. They also had been informed of some classified details beforehand, which further stymies their motive. And it probably wasn’t the fae either, it’s not their M.O.”
“That narrows it down… a little. Still lots of minor factions that could be interested in… whatever you got up to.”
“Yeah… but that’s not what I came to talk to you about. Well, I did need to fill you in about that much, but the real subject is this: I’m leaving this location.”
Pokle nodded “Of course. You have to disappear for a while. When do you think you’ll be back.”
“Pokle, I’m leaving leaving. Once this incident is resolved, I’m either going to take a long sabbatical, or open the next new location.”
Her eyes glazed over slightly. “Oh… then that means–”
“Yes, that means this place will need a new head honcho. I don’t think anyone fits the bill better than you.”
A thin film of sweat developed on her brow as she eyed the cluttered desk. “I’d be honored, but… does that mean more paperwork?”
“Less, actually.” My flippant tone caught her off guard, so I leaned forward. “Because, as the senior manager, you’d get to handpick your second in command. A manager who wouldn’t, say, push the lion’s share of their work onto you to see if you sink or swim. You swim pretty good, by the way.”
She started to tear up. “So it was a test?” she squeaked. “And I passed?”
“Yes, and yes.” Grif deigned my lap worthy of his presence, so I scritched him like the supervillain I am. “So, you take the promotion, get a 10% salary bump right off the bat, you get additional authority and answer only to the central office… and you’d work about… 2 and a half hours less every day. In perpetuity.”
I offered a handshake. “Waddya say?”
She sniffled, then grabbed my hand with incredible force. “Hell yeah, Boss.”
"Deal. Oh, can you keep my critters for a little while longer? Grif really needs the stability right now."
"Pay me."
"Done."
……
“What’s the skinny?” I asked as I barged back into my office.
Chivos fixed me with his ‘it’s pretty serious’ glare. “Take a seat, Hubbs. There’s quite a bit.”
I did as told and awaited the rundown, which began posthaste. “As you may recall, our insurance adjuster can look back in time, among many, many other talents. He assembled for us the following timeline:
“Yesterday, 2:11 am, a large-scale dispel magic is cast scattershot onto your home, disabling 7 home defense systems. 2:12, an illusion is cast that seals noise into your property line and projects a pre-break-in appearance to passers by. 2:14 a hooded figure approaches the house. His features are heavily obscured by a cocktail of powerful stealth buffs, to the point we only call him ‘he’ for convenience. He searches the perimeter for a number of minutes before attempting entry via the bathroom window at 2:20.”
What then ensued was the 2nd funniest shit I’d heard all day. We got to the list of all my traps that proceeded to blast him in the face. First came the ice rod guarding the bathroom window, which froze his feet to the floor and did moderate damage before expending its energy reserves. What it did determine, however, was that he was still standing, so, the rod commenced sympathetic detonation and set off every other rod in the house, using its line of sight to guide the bolts down the hall, under the door, and right into his crotch.
The immense stack of damage and freezing knocked him out of his shoes, and he landed by hitting his head on the toilet, which set off one of the nonlethal options and sprayed him with some of the foulest smelling perfume I could find (one made by plague demons for social gatherings). He then spent nearly 3 minutes moaning, retching, and shivering, before a ranged healing spell came through the window and got him back on his feet.
In the hall he was assailed by the fully automatic arcane rocket turret until he rushed to the living room to turn it off, where the animated carpet jumped him whilst the infinitely respawning ethereal bat portal slung critters that way, and the auto-harmonized arraneus rod under the house called every spider in 300 feet to come bite him. The noise of his struggle then awoke a number of ‘doombekkas’ I call them, little rolling automatons that scuttle across the floor and unfold into a crab-ish thing to stab and electrocute your ankles.
After surviving all that, he brushed himself off, healed, cautiously entered my kitchen, and was bit by my fridge, lmfao. I could describe how this process repeated for the next 20 minutes but I think the gist has been given. Plus, I still have most of the security systems and I don’t want to give away all that info, as I paid a lot for the perfect chain reaction designs. Safe to say, he had a bad time, but he did live.
After disarming about 40% of the remaining traps, and eating the rest to the face, he actually got to tossing my house. The jagoff took a number of expensive items, and every document he could find. Anything important had ‘my eyes only’ magic on it, which is about as good as modern encryption and I wasn’t stupid enough to write a detailed journal of classified events. Well, not at the time, at least.
In the end, he realized that the ice rods had recharged, so he elected to take my front door off its hinges and tank the lightning barrier. The restraining sigil would have gotten him so hard if it wasn’t dispelled at the start. He then put the door back, sans hinge pins, and vanished into the night.
Then we got to all the information the adjuster gleaned about the perp himself. 5’10”, approximately 155 lbs, rock climber build. Moved with athletic and gymnastic prowess, and could crouch walk very low. His HP was obviously quite high, and he wielded shortsword, dagger, and buckler very well. He also had good reflexes and knew his way around locks and trap mechanisms. Too bad for him that a lot of my traps don’t require line of sight to trigger.
The last detail was that he had 6 deep soul entanglements, or, translated into normal person talk, he had 6 best buds that he spent the majority of his time with.
Chivos finished his 45-minute ‘short summary’ and I leaned back in my chair. We were collectively quiet for quite some time. The candle light dancing atop its lantern wick grew into a larger ball, morphing into a flaming hologram of Hecate’s face.
“Despite how much we do not know, methinks it has been narrowed down to a single group who could be responsible.”
“One dumb enough to walk into all that,” I added.
“One brazen enough to happily commit such folly,” she continued, showing that our back and forth was of matching minds.
“One motivated enough to want to do this.”
“And one unbreakable enough to weather the storm you had prepared for them,” she finished.
We held eye contact for a dramatic moment before speaking in unison. “Gods’ Chosen.”
Matti let her arm fall to the desk. “Noooo,” she groaned dramatically.
“I concur,” Chivos cut in. “Considering the numerous parties of GCs across Nassur, with an infinite spectrum of dispositions, it is like a thousand little factions. Any of them could be willing and able to commit this break-in and survive.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. “Some asshats probably think I snaked their quest or something. Maybe they believe I brought back something good, or yoinked their macguffin.”
Chivos sighed. “All plausible theories, but we should focus on the present. We need to get you somewhere safe. You should get your affairs in order here today.”
“Already in progress. I plan to commute here 3 or 4 times for final wrap-up, always under guard and never for long, then I’ll be fully disentangled.”
Hecate cleared her ethereal throat. “Given the likely nature and severity of the threat, I believe it would be best that I volunteer for such a protective role. Indefinitely.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You sure? I tend to get on angels’ nerves.”
“Yeah, are you sure your presence is necessary? Or even optimal?” Matti queried.
“I am unbothered by mortal attitudes, and no, I doubt my presence will be required. But if I am needed, I may be granted the chance to burn something—someone—with all my power.” She licked her lips. “I would not miss that chance for the world.”
We all gave her a look as her face receded back to the little lamplight. Chivos tapped his pen on the desk nervously. “If you would rather she not, I know the right papers to file.”
I shook my head. “Nah, I think she’ll be fine. Under the right circumstances, she could party-wipe some pretty high level GCs. Or be a multi-hour raid boss for them, at the expense of everything in a 3 mile radius. The wind will love her!” I added, getting flicked in the back of the head for it.
He sighed, rubbing his face. “Alright, it will be annoying, but I can swing the papers. We need to get you somewhere safe with a fast commute option to resolve your business here. I will file the soonest possible visa to the Hells for you 3, as that is the safest place from GCs that I have easy access to. It should be ready tomorrow, but it will only last a week. The application for something longer will take time, so we will need to sort out something in the interim.”
I took in his plan, nodding along. “Alright. Matti, you and I are going to pack the house into some E-D sacks.”
Matti pointed at the ceiling with both hands like a footballer for a field goal. “Alright! A vacation to the Hells! I always wanted to go.” She jumped up. “Where will we be staying?”
“Likely a little hotel in a rural corner of the magma veins, but I believe I can change that to my estate.”
Matti was about to reiterate her excitement when I cut in. “Okay, but where do I stay tonight?”
“The longest you can be kept in protective custody—without further filings—is 12 hours per incident, so you have 10 left. Enough to sleep. Your bodyguard can facilitate that. For the wait for the visa, if you aren’t able to survive with your fully rested power, high alertness, a consummate professional demon bodyguard, a protective royal vampire, and a fucking seraphim by your side…
“Then you weren’t worth saving.”