Contributing Author: Miles English

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The massive gates leading into the DREAM Sect were farther away than they looked, an effect of being so large. They dominated the landscape, and behind, the mountaintop seemed to end in nothing at all. The horizon stretched on into infinity, and Trey had a hard time grasping exactly what he was seeing down there. The world below was white and even, like it was entirely covered in a blanket of snow.

That couldn't be right, because the air up on the mountain peak they were on was warm, a little humid, and smelled of fresh spring flowers.

He kept watching it as they walked, unable to figure it out until a small break in the whiteness revealed a patch of rolling hills. That wasn't snow. Those were clouds. Miles and miles below them, the clouds were drawn tightly over the earth. It was a complete impossibility. Everest wasn't even this tall, and the air on the peak of Mount Everest was so thin that you couldn't stay for more than a few minutes unless you brought an air tank with you. And yet, there was no disguising what he was seeing.

He felt a wave of homesickness, even though he’d barely been gone. He wanted to be back in New City, where everything was normal. Well, where everything used to be normal.

They entered through the massive gates with a lack of ceremony. Their guide, Ghostface Pill-Ah walked with precise, unhurried steps, as if the entire act of walking was an important formality that he meant to get exactly correct. Trey got the feeling that this guy could make the entire trip in seconds, and was being careful not to go faster than a normal person should be able to.

The town itself was how it had appeared from the outside--completely empty. A ghost town. Ruins. Houses and mansions stood crumbling, some buried so deep in vines that Trey couldn't tell what they were supposed to be. Grass poked through the stones of the road, and the stones themselves were so weatherworn that it was almost easier to believe there was no road at all, just a coincidence of nature that so many rocks were squeezed together like this.

Even in the state of total abandonment, some of the mansions rose in the air, undaunted by time and unyielding to the years of emptiness. Still, there was a kind of weight to them that made Trey think that they'd been empty for longer than he'd been alive.

"What can you tell us about the DREAM Sect? Why did you think we were disciples?" Trey asked. He got the idea that this was some sort of mystical kung-fu place, but his understanding of that kind of thing was limited to what he'd picked up from the Shaolin Koala franchise.

Ghostface Pill-Ah didn't break his perfectly even stride as he answered. "The first question is not so easily answered as the second. I could fill an entire lifetime with words about the history and deeds of the DREAM Sect. At the highest peak of the Emerald Mountains, there exists a sect that was founded on the idea that the Dao rules everything around us."

He said the last part with a solemn emphasis, as if saying it a bit slower would make Trey understand it.

"To us, the practice of cultivation does not start or end with the theft and consumption of expensive cultivation resources, but rather through meditation upon and comprehension of the Dao."

Vice Roid chimed in. "That makes them a Righteous Sect, in contrast to the Demonic Sects, who try to get stronger at all costs. Demonic Sects do stuff like sacrificing people for their Qi and eating beast cores for a quick power-up, even though they know it’ll damage their long-term potential."

"What?" asked Trey.

"Hold up," said Cheetah Brains.

"He's right," said the Bishop, stroking his beard sagely.

"That's not the question. How did you know that?"

"I've been here before," said the Bishop.

"Not you!" Trey said. "Vice. How did you know that?"

The plant-muscle hybrid of a man looked down, shamefaced. "I don't want to say."

"However you knew, it is a great compliment to hear such words from one of another realm," said Ghostface Pill-Ah.

Vice Roid clasped his hands together in a karate-looking bow. "This one is humbled by your words."

"Quite well-mannered. You'll go far here. Oh, but I forget myself. You're travelers, not disciples. Unless..?"

"No offense to your sect, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea for us to join anything right now. Our enemy probably brought us here, so spending time here instead of trying to find a way back is probably playing into his hands. We should try to find a way home. Right guys?"

He got some nods, but the Bishop stroked his beard. "Knowing who your enemy is, I'm not so sure about that. Perhaps it is better for you to stay."

Trey turned back to Pill-Ah. "You thought we were already disciples, right? How does that work exactly?"

"To reach the peak of the Emerald Mountains, one must complete a harsh and difficult journey of more than two hundred li. Few even attempt such a feat, and even fewer complete it. We normally get one disciple that way every twenty-five years. Only, in recent years those numbers have dwindled. It has been seventy-five years since the last person joined the sect in that manner. One would wonder if the Grand Orange Jubilee City even still exists if one couldn't see it from atop our mountain on clear days."

"Is that why everything looks so..." Trey trailed off, realizing how rude that question was just a little too late.

Ghostface Pill-Ah gave a wry smile. "Many of our disciples perished from the treachery of the Anarchic Iguana Destruction Sect."

"I'm going to call that the AID Sect. And not anything else," Trey shot a warning glance at the rest of his friends.

"That's probably smart," said Tater Tot. Cheetah Brains stifled a laugh, while the Bishop looked a little confused.

"Just arriving at our gates means that you are worthy of entering the sect," Pill-Ah continued. "Your method of travel was different than most, but that is no exception to the rules. Should you wish it, you would have a place here."

"What exactly would that mean?" Trey asked.

"How shall I explain it with words, when I could simply show you? For ones from another realm, I could not possibly begin to guess what things are alien to you. Dwell with us for a time if you are curious," said Pill-Ah.

He guided them to an area of the sect where the buildings seemed to be in better repair. Signs of humanity popped up: a neatly organized garden, a freshly painted sign. Their destination, however, was clearly the building in the center.

A giant red building in the oriental style dominated the skyline, even taller than the walls around the sect. It rose into the air like a skyscraper, but didn't lack any of the elegance of a building that looked like it would've fit in within New City’s walled-off Forbidden Palace District.

They walked up the steps into a great hall, where a huge dining table had been laid out. The smell hit them at once, a rich rush of savory meats filled with fine spices. He saw a huge roast the size of a pickup truck, trays with exotic vegetables, pitchers of wine, and exactly enough plates for all of them, minus Cratherine.

Pill-Ah bowed to her, looking apologetic. "This poor fool does not know how a powerful Qi construct such as yourself would deign to be entertained."

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"That is unnecessary. I am self-sustaining," said Cratherine.

Tater Tot stood by her, looking conflicted, but she pat him on the back. "Go. I can tell everything here looks quite wonderful. I will sit beside the table and watch."

Pill-Ah then bowed to Tater Tot. "This sect has never had such a magnificent Spirit Beast as a disciple, but I know that if you chose to join us, the Grand Elder would take a special delight in finding a way to increase your natural abilities."

Tater Tot pointed a french-fry finger at himself. "I'm a Spirit Beast?"

"It's not a bad thing. Just go with it," said Vice.

At Pill-Ah's direction, they sat at the table. Pill-Ah sat himself in the middle, with Trey directly across from him, while the others spread out to the sides. Trey had an urge to ask for pancakes, but suppressed it. Later. The food on the table looked heavenly. Supernatural, actually. He wasn't sure if he should eat it or put it in a museum.

A man appeared at the head of the table. He was bald, with a short goatee. "This humble servant is called Eis Q Be. Allow this humble servant to serve you."

He blurred into action, his movements graceful and quicker than Trey's eyes could properly follow. He moved through the table with a knife and fork, cutting choice pieces of meat and dicing vegetables, depositing them on his guests’ plates so quickly it seemed like the food was growing out of thin air. He was finished almost as soon as he started, and when he did, he bowed. "Please, enjoy your meal."

They all stared down, then looked at each other awkwardly. Trey was starving, and the food looked amazing. Too good to eat, honestly. He didn't want to be the first one to take a bite, and it looked like everyone else was thinking the same thing.

Except for Stew. He gazed at his food reverently. He carefully put a square of meat on his fork, raised it to his mouth, and took a bite. His face whitened. He stood up abruptly.

"You made this?" Stew asked.

Eis Q Be nodded.

Stew lowered himself in an awkward imitation of Vice Roid's previous bow. "Teach me."

Eis Q Be's mouth opened into a wide smile. He held out his arm. "Welcome, disciple."

Stew clasped forearms with the man, and then they disappeared together, no doubt towards the kitchens.

"Ah, now we have an empty place," said Pill-Ah. "You won't mind if I invite one of our disciples?"

Before he even finished asking, the disciple in question darted into view. She immediately tucked into Stew's plate without preamble, eating with both hands and stuffing her cheeks like a squirrel. Only, she wasn't a squirrel. She was a cat. Sort of. Trey could distinctly see cat ears growing out of a full head of auburn hair. She had claws at the end of her fingers, but her face was human, and her cleavage was very human.

She looked up, suddenly embarrassed. "The name's Ni Qi the Mirage."

Cheetah Brains stood up. "I would also like to join your sect."

Pill-Ah raised a glass of wine. "Welcome, disciple!"

Ni Qi perked up. "Oh, let me show you around!"

This left both sides of Vice Roid empty. Pill-Ah called two more disciples in. Two absurdly hot disciples. They had the absolutely perfect faces that Trey hadn't really believed existed outside of Photoshoppette. They wore fine robes that left just enough to the imagination, and moved so gracefully it was almost surreal.

"Jade beauties," he heard Vice Roid murmur, awe in his voice.

The two women sat down on either side of Vice, but seemed more interested in him than in the food.

"This physique! A true work of art!"

"From a mortal, too? His determination pierces the heavens!"

"This complexion! As if he was hewn from jade."

Trey saw what they were doing, but saw no way to stop it.

Vice Roid stood and bowed to Pill-Ah. "This humble vessel begs to be filled with the teachings of the DREAM Sect. I will stand with you to eradicate AIDS."

Trey groaned. "Ugh, he said it."

The Bishop opened his eyes wide. "Oh, I just got that."

Pill-Ah nodded solemnly. "Truly, all who love righteousness hate AIDS. We vow to eliminate AIDS, until nothing is left of it but a memory. We mourn victims of AIDS, and let their memory drive us forward to new determination."

The two women next to Vice ruined the solemn moment with high-pitched squeals of happiness and latched themselves onto his arms, pulling him back and forth.

“Welcome, junior brother! Your elder sister will take good care of you. Let me show you around!”

The other girl pulled back, tugging him to the other side. They looked comically weak compared to the massive Vice Roid, but he was completely helpless against them, as if he were nothing but a doll that two bratty sisters were fighting over.

“How are you so strong?” he gasped.

“Your elder sister will teach you!” the other women said. “See? He doesn’t want to waste his time being shown around! He wants to train! The first technique I will teach you is called ‘dual cultivation.’”

“Harlot!”

The two women tugged Vice Roid away, and Trey wished him all the best. There was nothing he could do to help him now.

“If my friends are joining, then I’m joining,” said Tater Tot.

“If my love joins, then I join,” said Cratherine.

They too were led away, by a new Elder, a lady named Ri a’Na, who promised to show Cratherine their work involving Qi constructs.

Looking around, Trey noticed that the Bishop had also excused himself at some point. It was just him and Pill-Ah.

He was confused and alone. The first part was normal. The second… not at all.

Not knowing what else to do, he took a bite. It was the most magnificent thing he’d ever tasted in his life. Pure ecstasy on his tongue. Like Flamagan’s drugs, but better because he stayed relatively sane while he ate.

He took another bite, and another. Everything was different, but all of it similar in the way that it was all wonderfully perfect. He kept eating, unable to stop himself until his plate was empty and his stomach was certain it would explode if he kept going. Even then, he was tempted to try.

He put his fork down, and looked at Ghostface Pill-Ah. “So? What’s your pitch for me? I should warn you that the ‘jade beauty’ tactic isn’t going to work. I have a girlfriend.” In reality, he and Jill had been on one date, and he was still sort of hoping that they would try the ‘jade beauty’ tactic.

“You may have noticed that we have been a little… over-eager to recruit you as our disciples,” said Pill-Ah.

“You could say that.”

Pill-Ah took a sip of his wine, then kept going and chugged the whole thing. “Then first, we need to talk about AIDS.”

“Ok, sure, but could you not… like, phrase it like–”

“We need to dish, man to man. I think the first thing that needs to happen with conversations about AIDS is removing the stigma. Becoming a victim of AIDS doesn’t make you less of a man.”

“I know that! Did someone say I didn’t know that?”

Pill-Ah ignored him and plowed on. Obviously AIDS was a difficult conversation for him and he wanted to get it all out. “There is a tournament coming up, where the sects compete against each other for fame, riches, and glory. It is called the Centennial Legacy Omnipotent Unity Tournament, or CLOUT for short. You must understand–CLOUT is important for any sect.

“The only problem is that we are a little short on disciples at the moment. If we don’t fill our roster, we will lose much face. There’s also the fact that while these bouts aren’t mortal combat by design, disciples can and do die, and we can’t afford to lose anyone that’s left.”

“That’s why you need a lot of fresh meat,” said Trey.

Pill-Ah gave a wry smile. “To tell you the truth, I would’ve been happy if all we got was the big guy.”

Trey sighed. “Figures.”

Pill-Ah chuckled. “I kid. You are the leader of this group, are you not? And I sense that you have great ancestor spirits at your command as well. You are mighty and your men would follow you to death, hell, or whole new realms like this one. How is it that you’re so uncertain of yourself?”

Trey shrugged. “I honestly don’t know why they follow me. I’m nothing. I’m just a guy.”

“You got that right.”

“What?”

Pill-Ah cleared his throat. “What I meant to say was that as you are now, you’re nothing special. Just an ordinary man. But when I peer into your aura, I see the potential for greatness. Here’s my ‘pitch’, as you say. I will help you understand and utilize those abilities left by your great ancestor spirits. I will aid you in the comprehension of the Dao and lead you on the path towards enlightenment. Lastly, join our sect, and you will begin to see the greatness within yourself. You will come to understand your own potential.”

Those words were near exactly the same words that Mother Plant had told him. This was what he was supposed to be doing. Honestly, he wasn’t going to say no when all of his friends had already signed up, but it helped to have confirmation that they were on the right track.

“I’ll join.”

“Come again?”

Trey cleared his throat. “I wish to become a disciple of the Dao Rules Everything Around Me Sect.”

“Then bow to your master,” said Pill-Ah.

Lots of bowing around here. Well, he best start getting used to it. He stood and bowed.

“Make ten laps around the perimeter of the Sect,” said Pill-Ah.

“What?” The sect was huge. Just one go had to be a ten mile run.

Pill-Ah stood slowly. His face darkened a little bit, and turned from a calm mountain pond to a churning, violent storm. “Did I stutter, disciple? You will make ten laps around the sect. You will not jog, you will not walk, you will run. If you slow, I will use the Lashing Fiery Vines technique to remind you of your duty. Am I not kind?”

Vines slithered out of Pill-Ah’s sleeves, covered with thorns. They kept growing until they were a dozen feet long and they writhed like snakes. Then he gestured, and they caught aflame.

“Run.”

“Hold on–”

“NOW, MAGGOT!”

Trey ran.