Here I am again…

A place that leaves only the simplest of thoughts…

The world that stands around me is white and blank. Like a freshly-unwrapped canvas ready to be splattered and stroked with by technique and color.

I could see nothing, yet I could see everything.

Everything was silent brightness, yet that brightness is just as frightening as the dark that consumes my hope.

I...I was hit, wasn’t I?...

No doubt about that…

Ringing sounds echoed in my head, and the dizziness from the sudden change in environment left me incapable of thinking about anything. Anything at all.

The sudden realization hit me.

I can hear again.

Well, it seems kinda useless now.

Is this what death is?

Feels like nothing…

Typical...

Regrets and everything that held my future in its grasp suddenly left free. I could never think about anything ever again.

My body was too numb to move a single muscle. Or maybe I could move my muscles, but I felt no sensation anymore. My nerves shot? Possibly.

Sanjiro...I’m so sorry. I...I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s all my fault. Just...don’t hold it against me. Live on without me.

So many questions flooded the inner mechanisms of my mind.

Just like my dream, huh?...

I could only think of Sanjiro, Yuta, and everyone close to me, living my life. The thought of them moving on started to hurt more and more. I could envision Sanjiro finding someone new and Yuta finally getting a girlfriend. Sanjiro would get married, have children, and eventually grow old and die happy. While I’m here growing young and dying young.

Is this jealousy? It feels horrible. I just wished that he could have come along with me, so that I could always be with him. I don’t care if I’m selfish. I’m human. I can wish for things.

A sense of self doubt and realization hits me.

Well, I guess not anymore.

These thoughts are painful. It’s excruciatingly painful. I can feel the agony clenched up in my chest. Yet no feeling wants to come out all by itself. It remains trapped like an innocent bird in a metal cage, wishing to show itself to the outside world.

And with that thought, the cage door burst open. I felt a surge of energy pulse through my body. Not the supernatural kind. Just the type that had always filled my body prior. I moved my arms and legs, my fingers and my toes, and any other body part to reassure that nothing was paralyzed.

It’s just like swimming…

I stroke my arms and propel myself around this seemingly infinite space. Just to gather my surroundings. The longer I “swim” around, the more I doubt my being.

What the hell is this? Am I even dead?..

Only one way to find out.

“Is anyone there?” I say clearly.

“Wait, I can speak? On top of that, my voice is completely clear…”

Instantly, the amorphous ambiance that filled the room began to change. The clear, surprisingly breathable liquid began to ripple and wave. An invisible substance that decides by itself when to become visible?

“What the hell is this stuff?” I mutter.

Looking around, I search for an answer to this question when I spot a figure in the distance. My brain scatters around too much to help myself with anything. It looks like a person.

Who is that over there?..

I can’t stop thinking of questions I don’t know the answer too. In my attempt to figure things out, or at least make things easier, I wave my arms and legs, hoping to catch his or her attention.

Maybe it’s not a person?.. I guess it could be something else. Or maybe my eyes playing tricks on me.

The water (or so I’ll call it for now) obscures my vision with its rippling effect, creating confusion with my eyesight.

“Hey! Over there! Hello?! Can you hear me? Oh come on! I don’t like being ignored! Who are you?! Hellooooo?!” I yell in desperation.

No response.

In fact, it looked like the “thing” was also in the same situation as me. Asking the same questions, looking the same direction.

A mirror. It looks like a mirror.

“Wait a minute.” I rhetorically ask.

Reflective substance. Clear ripples. This liquid is a mirror. EXACTLY like a mirror.

I spin in a circle as I think of the possibilities that set itself before me. Floating in a zero-gravity atmosphere and environment that keeps me feeling like a fetus.

Then I notice my reflection start to flicker. The faded, translucent figure dissipates into another shape. Another reflection.

Another person.

It’s floating in its own space, yet the space feels like it’s combined with mine. Like it’s one with me. I swim over to the figure, hoping to catch a better glimpse from a closer distance.

“Almost there.”

I never realized the water was less resistant until I started swimming in it. The waves and troughs created with my aerodynamic current became it’s own wind trails like a fighter jet zipping past the white masses of air.

Despite how clear this liquid is, I feel like no matter how much closer and closer I get to the figure, it ends up being more and more blurry. I’d expect something entirely different, but that just may be my assumption of physics in this afterlife.

Is this even the afterlife?

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It was confusing enough, but I continue swimming. I need to stop multitasking with my thoughts. But a simple indication of where I am would be helpful. Just a small hint.

Come on...I’m almost there...

“Just a couple more feet…” I struggle. My legs were tired of kicking.

However, my glide across the water was abruptly halted by a thud sound. I impacted against another invisible force. It was like a wall separated my question from my answer. Banging and hitting the wall, I yell in the slight chance that whoever would be able to hear it.

No response. Once again. I get no response.

Excessively punching it, I start to worry and lose hope. This figure seems like it was unconscious. There’s no point. Maybe this is where I stay when I die.

Just nothingness. After all, what am I? A small speck in the whole grand scheme of life. If all it takes is one unfortunate car crash, I don’t deserve a second chance.

I turn around and place my back flat against the wall. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“What do I...do?..” I cry, letting my walls come down entirely.

I couldn’t hold it back anymore. The facade of my emotions drifted down into the nonexistent depths below me. I could only let it all out like water overflowing the peak of my patience.

“What did I do to deserve this?..” I wept. “Sanjiro…”

The mention of his name in my voice and the thought of his smile in my head made me sob even harder. The tears drip down my face and float up to a nonexistent surface. A place where I am alone, never to join anyone in any human interaction ever again.

Or so I thought.

My clouded, teary eyes sense a bright pinging light in the distance. I wipe my tears away and stare in shock at the marvel before me.

Small droplets of tears rise up slowly, but as they drift up into nothingness, they emit a luminescent blink of white light like a signal. Autonomous in intensity, and consistent in beat. It was like a visualizer for music. It made me feel happy when they flicker every time. It became my flash of inspiration with every one that slowly disappeared.

“Maybe in the afterlife...I’ll be fine.”

This fellow feeling I have in my heart feels bittersweet.

“Suzume…” I could hear the voices in my head. The memories of good times flash by again.

“Yes Sanjiro...I’m okay. Everything will be fine.” I whisper to myself.

“Suzume...Suzume...Suzume?..Suzume?!”

The voice gets louder in my head. And with every time I hear my name echo in my eardrums, a new memory appears.

“Turn around!” the voice yells.

I suddenly open my eyes wide. And realize that this isn’t just a thought nor a memory. Not even a hallucination.

It was real. The voice was real.

“Turn around!” the voice screams louder.

With that final grasp at my attention, I turn around with hope in my heart again. The hope that I thought drifted away had floated its way back up to me, expelling my doubts and fears.

The rotation felt like an eternity like I was seeing my life for the first time. I see another person.

The person who I had been trying to get the attention of finally woke up. And that was all I needed to stay sane. But that wasn’t all. There was more. Not only am I relieved, but I am also angrily confused.

Cause the person who I was screaming for, and the person who was screaming for me was none other than the only one who could possibly know who I am from the back.

“S-Sanjiro?!?!”

I had no other words. I had so many mixed emotions running through my veins.

“What are you doing here? You aren’t supposed to be here!”

My selflessness vanished.

“I should have been the only one to die! I deserved it! I’m the one that should be here! You don’t need me anymore!” I rant.

I said things I would have never said one year ago. But now, my train of thought could only focus on putting myself down.

“Sanjiro. I don’t want to see your face anymore...I-I can’t see anything happy with you anymore. If you’re here, then that means I killed you too. It’s hard, even in a million miles and hours later to see any way of me coming to terms with you.” I sulk.

My heart sank and I feel nothing but self-pity as the only answer to the situation I’m in. I stared back at the missing bottom again.

“Suzume.” he says gently.

I look up and see no malice in his eyes, despite what I just said. All that I see is an innocent smile, the most important asset of his whole personality.

“I want you to hear me, okay. So don’t be scared.” he yearns.

Out of confusion, all I could say was huh?

With that request, the smile that shone on his face disappeared, and his true colors and feelings at that moment appeared.

“What the hell are you saying?!?! I can’t believe the words coming out of your mouth!! I-I don’t even know where to begin!!”

Despite his words to not be scared, I couldn’t help but jolt back and stare back with a terrified look on my face.

“Do you think I wanted to die too?! Don’t answer that question. No, I don’t. You gave me light in my darkest moment. I could have chosen so many other girls to date. Yet, you were my first pick. You wanna know why?! Don’t answer that question. Because you were the cutest.”

My scared expression is gone, but I’m still on edge.

“Yeah, it seems like the most shallow reason to like someone. For looks, I know. But the more I got to know you, the more I realized that I made the luckiest decision of my life.”

He bangs the wall between us. The sound reverbs.

“And I would...”

*Bang*

“...never…”

*Bang*

“...change…”

*Bang*

“...a single thing.”

He stops his fist from hitting the wall one last time and takes one long pause to catch his breath.

“I’m not good at speeches or meaningful stuff, but I don’t want to ever hear you say that again…It hurts me so much.”

I stare down back at my floating feet. Shame overcame me this time instead of self-pity. That feeling left just like all the other ones.

“Hey. Look up.” he sternly says.

Depressed, I slowly glare up at his face. His face is serious, yet relaxed.

Then he opens his mouth.

I clench for more scolding.

“I love you. Suzume.”

I widen my eyes in surprise, breathless at the four words that spilled out his mouth.

“I really love you, Suzume.” he smiles with warmth in his eyes. “I don’t ever want to let you go. I wanted to protect you from whatever that weird red and purple stuff was, but for now…”

He puts his hand against the invisible surface.

“I want to be with you right now.” he says with sadness yet satisfaction in his heart.

My world instantly lit up with those words. Ever since he said he loved me, my heart has been aching with the pain of regret. Regret that I said those terrible things about myself. About Sanjiro.

Droplets of tears begin to well up in Sanjiro’s eyes, his hand still plastered against the clear wall between us.

“I-I-I…” I stutter, reaching the palm of my hand to the mirror that is his hand as well.

“Let it all out...I know what you’re feeling right now.” he says with a calm expression painted on his face.

“I’m so sorry!” I sob. “I-I didn’t mean anything that I said…”

I could only cry in front of him. No one else. Ironically, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to touch him one more time. All I can do is put my hand against his and weep. Fear, anger, regret, despair, happiness, all of that is useless right now.

All I want to do is cry.

And that’s all I could do.

After he poured his entire heart out for me to see, I poured my heart out for him through my obnoxious crying sounds.

“It’s alright. I forgive you.” he caringly says to me.

The faint echo from his words could stick forever in my mind. I would keep it on repeat for the rest of my death.

With the anguished sounds that uttered my mouth, I slowly felt the wall dissipate and a large torrent of water swept me and Sanjiro and forced our bodies together with great force.

“Gah!” Sanjiro jerks.

In a large whirlpool of unknown substance, we spin around in circles that leave us disoriented. It was like the two chambers that separated the both of us suddenly joined forces to create one large chamber. In that instant, the invisible wall shattered into a colorful array of light that mimicked broken stained glass. Like it finally accepted the both of us and our love.

With that, we drift away with our arms reaching for each other. The force pulls and pushes us away from each other like a ballroom dance that is only as elegant as the water wants us to be. The torrent raging tosses and turns us like the midst of an extreme typhoon. But as unnatural and hypnotic that this whole “hydro-dance” was, we parted as quickly as we met.

And that was it. That was last we saw each other.

The flurry of water blinded the vision of my surroundings. Reaching my hand in any direction, hoping for a another one of a different kind to grasp it in a last attempt.

But it was hopeless. Our meeting was only the gilded gateway to another world. Another timeline. And most importantly,..

Another body.