1

I had never had anything that belonged entirely to me, a mother who loved me, a father I could make proud of, brothers and sisters to heckle with. I was born with nothing, with one exception. My first name which had been marked with an indelible marker on the box in which I had been found one early winter morning.

“Taylor , I would like you to stay after the bell rings. »

"Again..." I whispered, trying to hide my face behind my braids. This was not enough to stifle the laughter of my comrades who left the room in a hurry to avoid upsetting the dragon. Mrs. Razio, my literature teacher but also the main teacher of our class, always singled me out. Her strict features never seemed to form a smile . I sometimes wondered if she had a husband or children. no one had the courage to ask her the question and, in the corridors, when she walked with a military step towards her classroom, I heard the words "old maid ", "cat lady" murmured. I avoided paying attention to it, but her stern gaze still turned to me and tried to dissect me.

I slowly put my pencil case, my manual and my sheets in my worn bag. I only had the bare minimum. These were often materials forgotten by girls who had already left the orphanage. Luckily the school provided the books or I wouldn't have any.

When I was done, I picked up my bag and approached the desk. I already guessed her next words.

“You haven't submitted your report and it counts for your final exam. I won't give you any extra time. It should be on my desk next class” she insisted.

It didn't surprise me. I was wrong, I hadn't submitted my work yet, and I knew why. I had to write an internship report. But there was a small problem. I had never completed this course. I had been accepted by a butcher who was to show me the tricks of the trade. Even though I never wanted to be a butcher. But the man who was to greet me had turned out to be a pervert who from day one had tried to isolate me. I never went back. I hadn't told anyone about it because he was a supplier for the orphanage and I knew who the headmistress would listen to in such circumstances. It wouldn't be the poor orphan she was forced to feed but the man who made sure to provide affordable prices to the orphanage. He would be seen as a generous man and I as a liar.

“I’ll give it to you, I promise. »

The doubt I read in her eyes was nothing out of the ordinary. I was sure she was picking on me because I had no parents to complain about. After all, half the class hadn't returned this report and I didn't see them forming a line in the halls waiting to see her. But I had no reason to cause myself more trouble. I had very little time left in this establishment after all.

"I hope so or I'll have no choice but to give you a bad grade." I really wish you would take your job more seriously, especially given your situation. There aren't many choices for people like you. she said before waving me off.

And now she was talking to me about my family situation. Sometimes I wished I could hit that woman with impunity. But I decided to grit my teeth and leave the room. If I wanted to finish this twenty-page report in two days, the library would be the right place to go.

The corridors were deserted at the end of the day. Classes ended earlier on Fridays, but the library kept its usual hours. I could only stay there for an hour but I will have enough time to do research.

When I entered the library I passed the librarian giving me an irritated look as she held her bag and her car keys in her hands. She had definitely planned to leave earlier and I had just ruined her plans. I ignored him and headed for the trades section.

When the last bell for the week rang, I looked up bitterly from my books and magazines. I had made progress in my research, but I would have liked more time.

“The library is closing.” I heard

The woman was already waiting for me at the exit and watching me impatiently. I quickly put away my equipment before leaving the premises. But not without hearing a whisper behind me, "Finally."

Really professional…

The sun was already low in the sky. I wish I had time to go to a cyber cafe, but I had chores tonight.

I watched absently as passers-by ran to catch a bus, or take their subway. The orphanage was fortunately only a few blocks from the school, but I couldn't help but notice jeans in the windows or a jacket that I wished I had worn. Of course, I couldn't afford this luxury.

I soon found myself in front of the gates of the orphanage. The three-story building was dilapidated, and the shutters of the windows were hanging down, waiting for their inexorable fall, and with luck I wouldn't find myself under it.

The building was divided into four parts. The dining room and the kitchen on the ground floor, a staircase in the kitchen led to the cold room and the stock of food. The first floor and the second were reserved for dormitories. the third floor was reserved for employees and the director. The nursery was on the first floor next to the dormitory. Being in a room on the first floor was often seen as a punishment, after all who really wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night by tears. Of course, it wasn’t the employees who fed the hungry babies but the older children. The nursery, however, was the most luxurious room in the building. They had a better chance of being adopted than a 17- year- old girl. I had long since given up on the idea of being adopted, when they had stopped introducing me to families. I was 12 when a supervisor told me to get used to my life here, because no one would want me anymore, I was too old.

However, like any orphan, I dreamed of a family. I hurried to my room to put on the uniform. A simple dress of brown color, which arrived up to the knees. I disliked her and I ardently hated what she stood for. My abandonment. The dormitory was a place of sociability, friendship and cruelty. The bunk beds were leaning against each corner of the wall and a table had been placed in the middle of the room to allow those who wanted to play a card game that was quickly hidden under the covers when Madame Boret passed through the rooms. corridors. She was the director of the orphanage and she strictly enforced the rules. A strand out of a rubber band, a crumpled dress and she was rushing towards the culprit with her whip, which I had felt the burn on my bottom many times. At this hour the room was rather empty. Some girls had dropped out of school after college and found work that would allow them to save money before they left. I wasn't one of those, I had been tempted to do the same thing but when I asked permission it was refused on the pretext that my grades were too good to quit, but I knew as the days went by that this decision would lead me to my downfall. My birthday was on Tuesday , and I had no plans. I had thought that I could stay until the end of the school year, but I was quickly made to understand that this would only be possible if I found a job that would allow me to pay for the bed and the food . I didn’t have time to search and the deadline was fast approaching. The research I had planned to do this weekend was turned upside down by this report which would take up most of my Saturday. But I will succeed, at least that's what I tried to believe in order not to let panic grip me. I had always been anxious by nature and my asthma had not made my life any easier. Giving me a salary increased the expenses of the establishment and without illusions, I was certain that my departure would make their wallets happy.

I waved to Ella. She was the only one I spoke to more than a few words and the only one who didn't take me for a snob. Indeed my relations with the others were good until the director decided that I had to continue my studies. This situation had created jealousies and they had put me aside quickly. I had become an outcast. Ella had arrived after these events and was returning from a host family who had not appreciated seeing her return one day with a tattoo. They had dropped her off at the orphanage without delay. I had found her crying on her bed, and she had explained to me that her tattoo represented the date of her mother's death and a teddy bear that she had given her. She had lost it when she moved and didn't want to forget her mother. I had tried to comfort her and since then we have bonded a silent friendship. We didn't talk much with the lack of privacy but communicated with our eyes and hand gestures.

I quickly put on the dress I had left on my bed. I had my clothes stolen , but this uniform was sacred, no one ever dared to touch it.

When I was done, I went to the kitchen. A portly woman was bent over a pot. I tied around my hips one of the three aprons that hung on the wall without a word.

“Next time arrives on time. »

General Ludwina was in good spirits today much to my relief. We called her the general because of the rules she had put in place in the kitchen. It was important not to break them or suffer an unfortunate fate. One of her punishments had led me to clean the toilets with a toothbrush with baking soda and a little soap. It took me two days to complete it.

"Cut the Vegetables"

I hastily grabbed a knife and got to work. As I cut a pepper on a wooden board, I tried to clear my thoughts. The sound of the knife on the wood was relaxing. It was a routine that I enjoyed . But this routine was soon to end.

"Give them to me"

Ludwina emptied the bowl into the pot and continued mixing the ingredients.

When I had finished, other girls came to take the pot to serve the meal in the dining room. I hung up the apron, then I joined them. I was starving. The tables were lined up next to each other, and the room was full. The already filled bowls were just waiting for the signal to be devoured.

The headmistress walked slowly between the rows making sure everyone was behaving properly, then clapped her hands. At that moment the orphans took the spoon and began to eat silently. The headmistress never ate in the dining room and preferred to leave supervision to her employees and the older girls to dine in her third-floor apartments. When she disappeared down the stairs, the silence gave way to a livelier room.

I sat down opposite Ella. She had always been very particular with her food. Was it because she had spent most of her life outside the orphanage, I didn't know. But she was looking at the bowl with an adoration that she had trouble concealing. So much so that I felt anger towards the families who had neglected her and perhaps starved her.

“Have you found a job? she asked after swallowing half of her bowl in seconds. She was still embarrassed by her eagerness and slowed her pace so as not to attract attention.

" Not yet. I keep looking but I don't have much time with high school. »

“Seriously Taylor? You only have a few days left! »

I could see the worry on his face. She was the only one who felt this about me, and I was grateful.

“I'll manage, don't worry. »

I read the doubt in her eyes, she didn't believe me, and I didn't know if I believed what I had just said.

An hour later I had my arms covered in foam, and was cleaning the plates at high speed. The sooner I finished the sooner I could find my bed. When I reached the last plate I put it on the pile that had formed next to me. Ludwina silently wiped the dishes. She had never left a girl alone in the kitchen. I had initially thought that she was not easily trusted and was afraid of thefts. But over time I understood that it was her way of mothering us. Because despite her severity she never reminded us of our orphan status unlike the other employees.

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“Get me a infusion in the cellar, I feel that if I don't take it I'll have insomnia again. »

Next to the sideboard in which the dishes were stored, was a door and stairs leading to the cellar. It had been fitted out to contain the cold room and shelves to store fresh food and non-perishable foodstuffs. No one was allowed to enter it without permission. On a shelf Ludwina kept her most precious possessions in a small wooden box. Her tea and infusions that she drank according to her mood. Earl gray for rainy days when her bones reminded her that she wasn't twenty anymore. Darjeeling when she was in a good mood. A slight smile appeared on her face these days, an infusion when she had a migraine before a restless night. I delicately opened the box in which the multicolored sachets had been neatly stored and organized. I took the blue sachet for its chamomile and verbena infusion and lowered the lid. Then, I climbed the stairs when I heard Ludwina talking to someone. I recognized the Director's voice.

My life would never be the same after this conversation.

2

"Mr. Daril hasn't changed his mind?" »

It was Ludwina's voice, she sounded anxious.

" You're alone ? »

"Yes, now tell me what he said." »

I frowned at this response. Why had she lied? I had originally intended to go back to the dorm to leave them alone, but now I was sure I was supposed to hear this conversation.

“He wants to increase the price of the meat he sells to us by 50%. For years he has allowed us to feed the girls properly. Without him, I'm afraid we'll be in trouble. And you know he's well regarded by the community. He silently threatened to encourage other suppliers to raise their prices. We cannot cope.” said the disappointed Headmistress

“But what he is asking of us is atrocious. We should report him to the police. »

" Why ? Simple words. We have no proof of what he is saying. If I had known I would have immediately recorded it. But now he will be suspicious. I don't know what to do anymore Ludwina. Maybe …”

"You're not seriously considering giving Taylor to that pervert." »

At these words I lost my balance and cling in extremis to the railing of the stairs.

" I heard a noise." say the Headmistress

I held my breath.

“Certainly a cardboard box. I will check later. When you stack them for lack of space, this is what happens. You have not answered. »

"In other circumstances it wouldn't even occur to me, but he endangers the other girls, the babies." »

"So you've made your decision?" Are you going to sacrifice her? How will you look in the mirror after that? »

“I don't know Ludwina, I don't know. But I hope someday Taylor will forgive me for the hell she's about to go through. »

“How will you do it? »

"I know when girls turn eighteen you give them a cup of tea as a parting gift. I thought maybe that night the tea might taste a little different. Maybe you could add some sleeping pills. She wouldn't know. »

“This is a sacred moment for me Lynda! You know it! I don't want to be an accomplice to your crimes! »

“Please Ludwina, that's the last thing I would ask. Think about the other girls. They also need you. »

A moment of silence followed, then I heard the cook sigh.

" Agreed. But my debt to you for giving me this job is paid. I know you're hiding a bottle of scotch in your office. I'd like a few drinks now if possible. »

" Thank you ! Thank you ! I won't forget what you just did. Of course a drink, follow me my friend. »

I heard their voices fade away, and when I was sure they had gone upstairs, I opened the door. I stared blankly at the kitchen, then was seized with violent nausea. I rushed to the trash can and threw up my dinner brutally.

A moment later I straightened up and slowly climbed the stairs to the first floor. In the dormitory the girls slept without worry. Without knowing that one of them had just been sold to ensure their survival. If I hadn't heard this conversation, I wouldn't have believed that someone could do something so cruel.

I walked over to the sink which was right next to my bed. I hated this location because late at night when the tap was not properly closed, I heard drops against the porcelain. I took my toothbrush and cleaned my mouth. When I was done I reached behind the sink. There was a hole in the wall where I had left my bag. I was too used to thieves, and I took precautions. I had put in this old bag, my few possessions, the few clothes I had in my name, my inhaler, some savings, not much maybe enough avoid starving for a few days , and a piece of cardboard. It was the one my mother had left me in. On this cardboard the letters of my name were written. I put my toothbrush in the bag, then lifted it. I was not going to stay another day in this place.

I hesitated for a moment, then took a piece of paper from my school bag and a pen. I didn't want to panic Ella so I'm just writing that I had decided it was time to leave the orphanage. I hadn't found a job, but a friend who didn't exist had agreed to put me up. I assured her that I would contact her soon. When I was done I put the note under my pillow. It was time.

But just as my back was already turned and I was about to leave the room, a voice stopped me.

"Where are you going? »

It was Marguerite's voice, she occupied the bed above mine and I had unfortunately forgotten that she was a light sleeper.

Her voice was sleepy and her eyes barely opened. I didn't think she'd seen my bag or we would have an other conversation.

“I heard crying. »

Three seconds of silence later, his answer relieved me.

“I didn't hear anything, but go ahead. If they cry harder, they'll wake everyone up. »

It was one less obstacle. But I hadn't lied to her about where I would be. The nursery was my way out. No one would be suspicious if they found me there.

I slowly opened the door, grateful for the one who had begged the headmistress to allow them to use oil on the door hinges. She didn't make a single sound. I made sure there was no one in the hallways, then closed the door. I tiptoed towards the nursery. I was careful to avoid the holes in the carpet that had tripped me a lot of time. I enter the nursery. The cradles were against the wall and I could hear the soft breathing of the toddlers who occupied them. I turned my gaze to the window. It was the key to my escape. There was a little alley downstairs and the hassle trash can below the window. This bin had caused bitter disputes, it was too close to the children and during the summer the smell was unbearable. But nothing had been done and she had been left in her place. Luckily for me it was Friday night. On Saturday morning, the garbage collectors came to empty the trash, but it was a day reserved for recyclable materials. There were plastic bottles, paper but above all cardboard boxes which would soften my landing.

I opened the window and put my foot on the curb when I heard a noise.

"It's you…again…" I whispered as I saw a little girl standing in her crib. If she wasn't so adorable I would have screamed at her bad timing. She held out her arms to me.

“Oh no, I don't have time to carry you. I have to get out of here or I'll be kidnapped to be a butcher's slave. I quickly realized the absurdity of what had just escaped my mouth.

“Why am I talking about this to a baby. " I said

Unfortunately for me, little Erin quickly understood my mood. I put my bag next to the crib when I saw her start to wince, and rushed over to hug her. I rocked her gently and it seemed to work as she soon closed her eyes. I put her gently in her crib when the door opened, the silhouette of a woman approached.

“Taylor? »

The Headmistress approached me, she was the last person I wanted to see and she might jeopardize my plan.

" What are you doing here ? she asked in a suspicious tone.

If I had to discover an acting talent, it would be now.

I shrug my shoulders and answer him.

“Erin was crying, I came to take care of her. " I said

The headmistress stared at me for a moment as if trying to decide if I was telling the truth or not, then turned her eyes to Erin who was now sound asleep. She relaxed and smiled.

“It's good, you really have a strong sense of responsibility. I'm sure when she's older, she'll be grateful for the sacrifices you've made for her. I am proud of the woman you are becoming. »

At first glance it was a simple compliment, and I would have taken it as such if I did not know the truth. The word sacrifice had a completely different meaning.

This woman… she was trying to find a logical reason for her misdeeds, was that the excuse that justified her actions. I have no other choice and it’s my responsibility because the orphanage has taken care of me all these years. I was crying inwardly for the young girl who a few hours earlier would have been grateful for her attention.

" Thank you.” I said simply, she seemed to think that her words had caused this moment of shyness. She would never know how close I came to strangling her.

“Don't stay up too late. You are not alone; others can watch over the children and will have to get used to it when you are no longer there.” she declared before leaving. When I heard his footsteps moving away I hurriedly grabbed my bag. She could come back at any time. I was sure that if I had decided to stay longer she would have done everything in her power to keep me here. It was one of the reasons I hadn't delayed my departure.

Ready to leave this prison I was grateful that the darkness prevented me from seeing the emptiness under my feet. I plunged into the darkness without a sound. Unfortunately my body fell on a pile of cardboard was by no means silent.

I was pulling myself out of the trash can when a sharp pain in my ankle gripped me . I had landed badly. That didn't look broken but I have to be careful the next few days. I slowly lowered my injured foot to the ground and limped out of the alley.

It’s time to disappear into the city. I didn't know where I would go but it would be much better than becoming this man's toy.

Suddenly, I felt a hand land on my shoulder.

“Where are you going like that. »

No, that voice…impossible.

His mouth was inches from my ear when he whispered.

“Did you really think you could run away like that. You never realized that I was watching you. You should learn to be more attentive and suspicious. »

I felt his hot breath on my ears and shivered.

“I intended to wait, but since you offered yourself to me. I don't see why I should let you get away. I have so many things planned for you. »

Horrifying images flashed before me, of years in captivity, of a broken face. I started to struggle but he lifted me onto his back.

" Help!”

My eyes lifted to the window, and I saw the silhouette of the Headmistress. She observed the scene for a moment then closed the window.

No, no I had to find a way to free myself. But my efforts were in vain. I heard him open the trunk of his car. Then it was complete darkness.

Then the car starts .

I panicked. How could this have happened. At that moment I understood. I was supposed to hear this conversation. After all a crime was perfect when there was none. I had taken my bag and left a note for my best friend explaining to her that I had left the orphanage of my own free will. Ludwina wasn't trying to save me. I helped her create the perfect alibi.

No one would come to save me. I had no friends in high school and no one there would care about my disappearance. I was alone.

My breath rushed, I had trouble breathing, I felt like I was losing my feet. I grabbed my chest and tried to calm myself down, but realized I was really having an asthma attack and without my inhaler, I was choking. When the cold of death gripped me, I had only one thought. At least I had somehow managed to escape.

3

I was not a believer and I was convinced that after death there was nothing. For me the universe was a combination of all or nothing. The nothing could not dominate, it would take something to fill it. It was life. But as I watched my body being thrown into a river by my kidnapper, I came to believe that my conclusion was hasty. I can't tell how long my… soul had floated above that river. But when my swollen body washed ashore near an early morning fisherman, I was relieved, despite his shrill cries. There were only so many times one could bear to see the remains of one's own body. I would have thought that the affair would end there and that finally they would bury me, but the police carried out an investigation and Ludwina was the first to confess. Seeing my body on the medical examiner's table had been enough to make her feel guilty, after she had recovered from her violent vomiting. I felt no sympathy for her, but I had doubts about my ability to feel things in my condition. I understood that the case had been solved and that the Headmistress and the butcher had been arrested when they covered my body to prepare it for the funeral. Before they take away my body , the coroner whispered to my corpse and unknowingly to me.

“You can rest in peace, justice has been served. »

At that moment as if a weight had just left me my soul rose and I lost consciousness.

When I came to my senses, I was floating in a void filled with lights brighter than each other. I had a feeling of contentment when suddenly I was pulled out of this protective bubble. I was terrified. I had a strong migraine and the strange feeling of having passed through the wine press. My body ached and my lungs burned like they were searching for something. It wasn't until seconds later that I realized I needed to breathe. I screamed loudly and took my first breath. I was alive.