Merlin wasn’t kidding. It took a long time before the yellow tint disappeared from my vision, and the warmth from the fire and the subduing pain eventually lulled me into slumber.

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a hideous face looming before me - a grotesque caricature with a bulbous nose riddled with crater-like pores, two deep scars clamped together with rusty nails, and a menacing set of yellow teeth. I jumped to my feet, fists clenched, ready to pummel the beast when I realized it was just Merlin holding up a mirror. The image reflected back confirmed what I'd been trying to ignore - I was a Dwarf.

Yet, there was a silver lining, or rather a flaming red one. My face had a thick, luscious beard that matched the long mane cascading down my back. It was a sight to behold, especially considering I hadn't seen a hair on my head since in my late twenties.

“This is for you, Mr. Tim, for completing your very first quest.” Merlin handed me an old parchment roll, sealed with red wax. It couldn’t be more cliché, but then again, cliché was my “life” now. I ripped it open and started reading, and immediately a weird stirring flushed through my body:

Congratulations! You have succeeded in your first quest and achieved a new level. You are now a level two Bard of the Highland Clan!

Your new level has granted you your initial cantrip: Vicious Mockery. In order to cast Vicious Mockery, you must concentrate on the foe you wish to strike and verbally deliver a scathing insult. This will inflict 5 points of physical damage, and can only be cast once every twenty-fifth inhale.

“A Bard!? I'm a bard? Why? Dwarfs are typically warriors or barbarians, and occasionally they're druids. But bards?!!!” I found myself standing nose to nose with Merlin, my fists clenched and my jaw set so rigidly that I could feel my teeth biting into my gums

“I fail to understand your distress, Mr. Tim. You are what you are. Bards are one of the most versatile professions, and if you play your tunes correctly, you may be very powerful. Not as powerful as me, of course, but I am a mage.” Merlin said proudly and raised both hands in a grandiose gesture.

“Can I change?”

“Change who you are? No, Mr. Tim. You have to embrace your destiny. Be you!”

If this turned out to be part of my imagination, and I somehow woke up from this nightmare, I seriously needed to ease down on cliches.

I sat down heavily on the log and looked up at Merlin. “What now?” I was feeling terrible, almost wishing the boar had finished me off. At least then I would have died not knowing I was a… bard.

“Well, a new quest! You must learn to master your newfound spell the Vicious Mockery. Please, accompany me.” Merlin reached for the cart, pulling it down the road. I trailed behind, pushing it from the rear.

"Thank you, Mr. Tim, but conserve your energy. I'm not as frail as my appearance might suggest, and we will arrive soon."

Soon had to mean something completely different in this world. After walking for what felt like hours, the lush green forest ended and was immediately followed by a forest that looked like the aftermath of a devastating forest fire. Merlin halted just within the border of this new, stark forest.

"This is the Grey Forest, scarred by HIM many centuries ago," Merlin began, his voice somber. "It's a forest teeming with fierce and terrifying creatures. The road provides a safe passage, protected by a spell cast by Blaise, the great warlock. But should you stray from this path, you'll find yourself at the mercy of beasts eager to harm you."

Merlin stood taller, his eyes narrowing. "This is where your next quest will take place," he declared, setting the cart down. And sure enough, there was a log there as well, a charred one.

“Please, follow me,” Merlin said and started to walk into the woods, off the protected path.

There was an eerie feeling in there, making me clinch the stave. If I couldn’t even hurt a boar in the starting area, how could I fight any creatures in the Grey Forest? Just as I decided to turn around and grind the beginner’s area until I was much stronger, Merling stopped and turned toward me.

“Do you see that grey wolf?” he whispered and pointed at a wolf standing fifty(ish) yards away, drinking water from a small pond. It pricked up its ears and looked around, but didn’t seem to notice us. My imagination had conjured up some insane creatures living in there, and when I saw the wolf I relaxed a little, it wasn’t a two-headed troll, a Dragon, Cthulhu, The Kraken, Balrog, or any creature with the adjective GIANT in front of them. It was a normal-looking wolf that didn’t look much bigger than the boar I had faced off against in the green forest.

Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

“Yeah…” I whispered, afraid that it would hear me.

“I want to you attack it with your spell.”

I turned towards Merlin and made big eyes, well, I tried to make big eyes but didn’t know if Dwarfs even could pull it off.

“How? I can’t see any button or anything to press…”

“Button?” Merlin echoed, perfecting the surprised look I had been going for a moment earlier.

“Yes, a spell icon or something!” I said, forgetting to whisper. The wolf raised its head, and I immediately dropped to the ground. Merlin looked down at me with a puzzled impression.

“I’m having a hard time understanding you sometimes, Mr. Tim. To cast the spell Vicious Mockery, you only have to mock the enemy. Now, stand up and mock it!”

I stood up, looked at Merlin, then at the wolf, back at Merlin before I shook my head, took a deep breath, and shouted: “Hey you! You are a filthy wolf!”

"Was that your attempt at mockery?" Merlin said as the wolf started advancing towards us, teeth bared. “You merely stated a fact. It would be akin to me saying you're a smelly dwarf. You must truly mock it for the spell to take effect.”

As the wolf quickened its pace, I hyperventilated until I was at the twenty-fifth count and yelled in desperation, “You're a…a…jerk!”

Merlin shook his head, a bewildered look on his face. “How does that count as mockery? You're in dire need of help.” Merlin leaned in, whispering something into my ear. I looked at him with the universal look of – for real! Merlin grinned and nodded.

“I have seen more threatening geckos,” I muttered after pulling another twenty-five rapid breaths, feeling lightheaded. To my surprise, the wolf seemed to convulse as if hit by an invisible force, and a health bar materializing above it indicated the spell had inflicted substantial damage - half its health! The sheer power of the spell stunned me, and a proud grin began to form on my face. However, my triumph was short-lived as I realized that my successful attack had provoked the wolf. It was now charging at me full tilt, and with each step, the bigger it grew.

“Get ready, Mr. Tim,” Merlin said, and for the first time, he sounded excited.

“Give me another one, quick!” I pleaded, retreating backward.

“There's no time. You will have to use your weapon!”

The wolf was almost upon us and Merlin shouted “Stand your ground!” As if I was Gandalf the fricking White.

When the wolf jumped I closed my eyes and swung the stave as hard as I could. I felt the wooden stick hit something, waiting for the inevitable pain when the wolf latched itself onto me, but nothing happened, and no teeth were lodged into my neck, so I took my chances and opened my eyes. Just in time to see the wolf scurrying away, its health bar almost depleted.

“H..how? I couldn’t even hit the boar, how could I damage that huge wolf?” I said and looked at Merlin with a baffled expression.

“The boar was ten levels higher than the wolf. And remember that you just leveled up. You are much stronger than before.” Merlin put a hand on my shoulder. “Remember this lesson, Mr. Tim. You have to use your spells cleverly, and always be ready to enter close-quarter combat. Luckily the Bard is adept at both melee and magic. But you do need a better weapon.”

I looked down at the stave, or what was left of it, reduced to a stick half the length, the other part laying on the ground. I nodded at Merlin and smiled, that was the most sense he’d made all day.

“How can I get a new weapon?” I asked.

“That’s the second part of the quest, Mr. Tim. Do you see the hill over there?” Merlin pointed at a hill that looked more like a mound from the Hobbit film, except there was no grass on it, just dirt and a handful of what could only be called ‘post-apocalyptic chic’ trees.

“Yeah?”

“Inside that hill is a dungeon. And in the dungeon is a rapier that fits you perfectly.”

I eyed the hill and then Merlin, “Wait a minute, I’m a dwarf and you want me to wield a rapier!? Can't I swing around a proper big chonker, like a claymore or something?”

“Well, indeed you can, but you are not proficient with that kind of weapon. Your best weapons of choice are a rapier, dual short blades, or a bow. Trust me, Mr. Tim, the rapier is a fierce weapon.”

Well, not fierce-looking that’s for sure, having the intimidation factor of a toothpick, but everything was better than the busted twig I was holding. Plus, the idea of trying out some legit dungeoneering, real, gritty RPG stuff, was pretty thrilling.

“OK. I’m ready. Shall we go?”

“No, Mr. Tim. This one you have to do by yourself. I will wait for you back at the cart. Here take this.” Merlin gave me two satchels.

Only two health potions for my first solo?

“Uhm, OK? But, can you write down a couple of insults for me?”

“No, you possess all the necessary tools within you. However, remember that an insult must be relevant. For instance...” Merlin leaned in, whispering something in my ear. I couldn't help but burst into laughter. It was indeed a good one.

Feeling slightly more confident, I ventured toward the hill. When I got closer I saw that the dungeon entrance was a reused mining shaft... Of course, it was.

I stepped inside, taking a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. A clattering sound filled the space, overlayed with indistinct chatter I didn’t understand. The potent smell of phosphorus filled the air, and I had to suppress the urge to vomit.

Treading cautiously deeper into the cave, I neared the first bend of the mining shaft where I spotted a massive silhouette etched against the rocky wall. I had been hoping for something easier to tackle, perhaps kobolds.

I stopped and considered running back out to get Merlin when the silhouette started moving, growing with each step until a figure turned to the corner and locked eyes with me. I smiled and drew a breath as the kobold pulled out two pointy knives and ran toward me, shrieking so loud that I had to fight an urge to cover my ears.