CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

It had not taken long for Gwyneth to confirm that Thalia was nowhere near the first of the planets on their list. They reset their heading for the next one, which should be within sight about six hours after they departed the first.

Six hours seemed eternal to the anxious people on board, but no one suffered more than Harada.

Okada, Gwyneth, Yamamoto and Saya spent most of their time together, and for once it seemed there was no danger of any eruption of violence between Saya and Seizo.

Kyoko and Kirito could often be found with the younger ones, but were just as apt to seek solitude in their quarters. Harada preferred solitude entirely; he was restless, uneasy, anxious, irritable, and generally unfit for company.

Some would have said that was his usual persona, and perhaps once they would have been correct, but that had been without Thalia. Life had suddenly opened out into beauty with her arrival; even the way he looked at nature had changed almost as soon as he met her. The first time they had made love under the moon, lying half-in and half-out of the ocean, was an experience that even now was fraught with so much magic he sometimes felt he would burst from trying to contain the memory of it.

And of course, everything had changed again for him when he woke from his coma with her beside him; the kind of change that felt like shifting blurry sights into sharp, defined focus. He felt not like a different person, but rather more like himself; yet it was still new and terrifying to love and be loved by someone so deeply. There was nothing he would not sacrifice to keep her safe and happy, nothing he would not do for her if he could.

The cruelest and most frightening part of that for him was the conditional ‘if’. If he could do anything, he would; but if he could not, he saw no point in anything.

It was staggering, the difference in him, and he was not always certain it was good. Before Thalia appeared at the Terminal, he had been accustomed to his loneliness. Never having known joy or ecstasy, he had been content to make his way grimly but methodically through his often-grueling days and long, lonely nights. Now that he knew love, contemplating a return to the wasteland he had once called his life was unbearable.

Now, bereft of her, he found emptiness too intrusive and silence too loud. Gwyneth’s presence was providential, but it was also painful. He caught glimpses of Thalia’s smile in the shape of her lips and the curve of her cheeks when she laughed, and heard a shadow of Thalia’s voice when she spoke.

He prayed desperately and incoherently that Thalia was safe and that he would not have to face the wrong side of the conditional ‘if’; and the fact that he did not know to whom he prayed did not make his prayers less fervent.

***

Thalia woke suddenly and was somehow not startled to find Sekiguchi’s green eye focused on her face from perhaps two feet away. He was lying on the floor beside her futon, his gaze full of love and sorrow.

“You called him the one you love, the one your soul was born with,” he said, as if picking up the thread of conversation after a space of seconds rather than hours.

“Yes,” she replied softly, relaxing back against her pillow and returning his gaze openly. There was no threat in him now; not toward her.

“Why do you prefer him?” he asked.

“It’s not preference,” she said, thinking carefully. “It’s more about what fits; my energy, personality, soul – everything that makes up my essence – only balance perfectly when combined with his. I’m a dual creature, made of light and dark, justice and grace, order and chaos; Tetsuya is like that too, and we balance each other precisely.

“What happened on this planet demonstrates why you and I are not good for each other in a matched pair: my darkness and yours don’t just mesh well, they synergize; your darkness makes mine stronger, mine makes yours stronger, and it never stops. There’s never a balance. Balance is vital; the universe teaches this clearly.

“There was no balance in me when I went onto the planet; I was all Fury. You sometimes express your preference for objects serving a single purpose, and when I became the killing engine you saw down there, you thought you saw me pursuing my single purpose at last. Yet in fact what you saw was the rape of my personality.

“It’s not your fault; nor is it mine. Quite apart from our will, our souls create catastrophe when they interact and mingle on that particular level. The only thing we can do is recognize and accept it. I could have twenty soul mates instead of one, and that would still be true. It’s just who we both are.”

“I see. You already answered before I thought of the question, but I still need to ask. I promise it will only be this once: have you no love for me? Even a little?” he asked.

Her heart ached more fiercely; she reached for his hand and entwined her fingers with his. “Of course I have love for you, and it’s more than a little, or I would have killed you – or at least maimed you – by now,” she replied, a tear leaking out of one eye. “You and I have a lot of history, and you are among those I’ll always love, even when I don’t want to.”

“I have no clear memories of our past together, Thalia,” he said, “but I feel as if I always lose when I must go up against … him … for your love. Do you love him so much more?”

Thalia knew she owed him total honesty, despite the risk of triggering his ever-hovering madness and sending him into a crazed killing spree much like the one they had shared on the planet’s surface.

“It’s not the way to put it, using relative amounts of love as if it were rice to be portioned out,” she said. “Love doesn’t come in standard measurements. For me it’s the kind of love that’s different. I believe we’re all born of stars, and those with whom we awaken are our soul mates. Some of us have only one, some have many, and some wake up alone. That determines so much from the beginning; the one I awoke with is the one I always fit best with, and in this time and place his name is Harada Tetsuya. That’s simply the way it is, due to no one’s fault or merit as a soul.”

A long silence followed as he absorbed what she’d said. She almost wished he would cry; she could feel the pain and sorrow in him, and saw that he was finally finding the courage to face it rather than put up a wall of rage against it as a shield.

“To put it as Aoi would, your voice fully harmonizes only with his,” he mused. After a moment he met her gaze and continued. “You may be surprised by this; Aoi was so inspired by the music your soul makes when it combines with the Vice-Commander’s that he made an attempt to put it to music everyone can hear, not only him. He wouldn’t give you credit publicly, of course, but that’s the greatest honor he can pay another soul – or in this case, combination of souls.”

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Thalia had read Aoi’s file, and also looked into his mind a little, so she knew about his way of hearing souls as songs. She thought it was beautiful and a little terrifying. The idea that he had listened long enough to the love song she and Tetsuya created gave her mixed feelings, but she saw the honor in what Sekiguchi was telling her.

“Did you hear it?” she asked.

“Yes, not long ago. He suddenly offered the information and held out his headphones, so I didn’t have much choice; but I think I’m glad. It helps me understand what you’re trying to say,” he explained.

Thalia recognized suddenly that a large part of his gentleness was despair, and her heart began to feel as if it would break for him.

“I wonder if he would let me hear it,” she said softly.

“I don’t think so, I’m afraid. At least not until he finishes playing with it – you know how artists can be,” he said wryly.

“Indeed,” she said, smiling and thinking of her temperamental sisters.

“It’s a profoundly complex, beautiful song, Thalia,” he said wistfully. “I don’t want to disrupt it. But I so wish it was my song yours was written to partner with. ‘Why is it this way?’ some part of me continues to ask, though I know the question is pointless.” Thalia was quiet, uncertain what was coming next, but knowing this was a pivotal point in the situation as well as in Sekiguchi’s life.

“It seems unfair, you know,” he said suddenly, meeting her eyes again with the remnants of his old resentment. “Why was I born alone, doomed to love someone who can never love me back?”

“But what if you were not born alone? I can’t believe you would feel this ache if there was no one who could soothe it. Those who were truly born alone are happy in their solitude. You have at least one soul for your harmony somewhere; that one just isn’t mine, much as I have sometimes wished I could change that,” she said earnestly, putting her other hand on top of their joined ones.

“I hope you’re right, Thalia-sama,” he said, lifting himself up onto his elbow to look at her hands in his. “I don’t see it that way now, but I hope you’re right. I see just a lone wandering star, giving birth to an equally homeless soul who was unfortunate enough to witness the blaze of glory from a beautiful soul already attached to another. I don’t know if the homeless soul can detach itself from the idol it fell in love with and summon courage to look for another. But I now know that’s its only real option.”

Thalia couldn’t help starting to cry again, overwhelmed with sadness that she could not comfort his pain or ease his loneliness, that instead she was the unwilling source of it.

“I do love you, though; and it hurts me to know that I hurt you without meaning to,” she said.

He took her fingers and lifted them to his lips.

“I know you would never willingly hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it; but perhaps I do deserve it,” he said with an ironic, self-deprecating smile. “I came to talk to you about this, Thalia-sama, but also to tell you that we have detected the approach of another ship with Earth’s signature. I can’t be certain yet, of course, but my feeling is that this is your rescue party.

“I no longer have the stomach to stand in your way; please know I won’t do this to you again. I would tell you I’m sorry I did this, but dishonesty would not become us at this point. I don’t think I can entirely regret what happened here, no matter how it ends. Thank you for your grace, as well as for your fury. I will apologize to the hostages, who will return with you once we know for certain that this ship is coming for you.”

Thalia’s eyes were huge with amazement, and she hardly knew how to respond. Her feelings were conflicted.

“But … are you surrendering?” she asked, unable to imagine or even really desire such a thing.

“Yes, in my own way and on my own terms. I’ve had enough, Thalia,” he said. “I won’t answer for my men, however. I’m not telling them to abandon the cause; it’s theirs as well as mine. You may want to go in a few minutes to protect the hostage, and reassure her that rescue is near. I hope very much that you will always be well and supremely happy.” He smiled and turned to leave; Thalia impulsively put her arms around his neck and pressed one chaste kiss to his lips, which he accepted with a grace that made her love him a little more.

“Thank you, Tei-chan,” she said, choking on emotion.

He departed with no further word.

***

There was still an estimated twenty minutes before they arrived at the second planet when Gwyneth rose to her feet suddenly in the little common room and furrowed her brow as if deeply perplexed.

Seizo looked up at her sharply. “Do you hear Kaa-chan?” he asked.

She held up her hand, beckoning him to wait; soon after that, she smiled and looked up at him, her eyes shining. “Yes, it’s Thalia,” she confirmed.

Seizo rushed out of the room to tell Harada, nodding to Yamamoto on his way. Saya departed in a more leisurely way to tell Kyoko to check her equipment for battle one more time before they arrived, and then went likewise to Kirito. Gwyneth went to her quarters and changed into her travel clothes, which in this case would double as her battle gear. She wasn’t much on weapons; she’d never needed to be, with the Banshee’s Voice.

Yamamoto, as per Seizo’s indication, went to his room and donned ninja gear, becoming as formless and faceless as it was possible for a human to be, while also as deadly as a plague in an impoverished city. He was the only member of the Shinsengumi who was more ninja than samurai, yet another of his unique skills that came in handy at unexpected times.

Harada was already preparing to disembark when Seizo arrived; they exchanged nods, but no words.

***

“Sekiguchi-sama will not be leading you through this battle,” Aoi was saying to the crew and everyone else aboard the Hellfire Rising vessel. “Here is where you prove your worth! We vastly outnumber any amount of warriors who could fit onto this small ship; there is no excuse for losing. Many of you joined us recently, so this is your proving ground. Good luck.” With that, he dismissed them all to battle stations, and they waited, braced, for the attack that was on its way.

Aoi was deeply disturbed. Whatever had happened on the planet and afterward had changed everything for Sekiguchi, who had been exultant when they first returned. Thalia-sama had collapsed, he’d said, no doubt due to the exertion of massacring dozens of Kaizoku.

Soon after he had visited her the second time, however, a melancholy settled over him that only deepened as the hours and minutes passed. Now he had given orders that Aoi was to lead as he saw fit in the situation that was approaching; the only stipulation was that the hostages be permitted to leave unharmed with Thalia-sama when the rescue ship arrived.

Sekiguchi Teiji’s song was changing, even fading, and Aoi could not accept that; he had dedicated his life to following Sekiguchi. He believed in his soul-song wholeheartedly, however clearly he might see some of its flaws.

Perhaps he ought to have killed the woman after all, no matter how her song had intrigued and delighted him. Nothing was worth losing his leader and purpose.

Perhaps, he continued to think, it was best this one time to disregard Teiji-sama’s orders, and get rid of her. But first, he would have to make certain he knew Sekiguchi’s whereabouts so it didn’t backfire on him.

***

Thalia took Sekiguchi at his word and prepared to leave. She dressed in her much-abused uniform again, cried a little with wishing she could go back to the person she was last time she had worn it, and then departed for the hostage’s cabin. She knocked softly, then entered to find the mother – whose name was Keiko, she had learned – breastfeeding the baby.

“Sorry to disturb you,” she said in a low voice.

“Thalia-san? What’s happening? Won’t you get us into trouble, being here?” The mother’s anxiety deepened; Thalia regretted her timing. The look of profound contentment on both mother’s and child’s faces when she first entered had refreshed her; and the fact that Thalia was feeling emotional about this was indicative of how much strain she was under, she told herself.

“No, no, of course not,” she replied hastily. “Keiko-san, I wouldn’t come to you if I would endanger you by doing so,” she added with mild reproof.

“No, you wouldn’t. I’m sorry, I know better.”

“You’ve been under tremendous strain, I know. But it’s almost over; there is a ship coming for us, and Sekiguchi promised me you and your baby will leave unharmed. I’ll make sure we get to it safely – he did say he is allowing his men to do as they wish, and some of them will probably not agree with that decision, so we need to be very careful,” Thalia explained.

“Oh! How wonderful! We’re being rescued? I thought no one would ever find us,” she exclaimed with tears of relief and joy.

“They’re landing now,” Thalia said, staring out the window.