Kate,
I've spent the last couple cycles thinking about this letter and what I wanted to say to you. I thought I pretty much had everything figured out and that the only thing I needed to do was set aside some time to actually put my thoughts into writing. But it turns out that wasn't true.
The fact is, I'm writing this letter from jail. You're probably not surprised by that, and I suppose leading with that detail isn't necessarily smart, but trying to be clever or smart isn't actually being clever or smart, and merely attempting to be truthful with you isn't actually being honest - there are a lot of important things that end up being left unsaid if the only thing I'm interested in is sticking to some kind of sanitized, bare bones truth. Because of that, I've decided that I need to be as straightforward with you as I can be. If doing that cements how you feel about me, then so be it. I'd rather have you dislike me for that than for something else.
The reason I'm writing this from jail is because I murdered someone a couple hours ago - and he wasn't some random person, either - I've known the guy for several years. Back in the guild I took it upon myself to be his mentor, at his request, and I actually did a pretty good job of it. He ended up becoming a person that I trusted enough to consider a friend. We helped each other back when the guild was still getting established, but during these past couple years we drifted apart. I don't know if it matters to you if I say that he deserved it - I think it should matter, even if you, of course, disagree. But I don't care. He deserved it. That's the truth and that's what happened, and that's the story I'm sticking with. He may have been my friend before all this happened, but right now I'm not the same person that I was, and he tried to take advantage of that.
Looking back on it now, our friendship was more us trading favors, I'd help if he had an issue or he'd help me with mine. I never really kept score on who did more for who - but I probably did two for every one he did. Which was fine, mine were usually a little more involved. You know what we didn't consider it? Using each other. That may be exactly what we were doing, but that's also a very ugly way to describe a friendship. When you accused me of using you I took that very personally. It's an awful accusation because it means that when you look at everything I did, at every interaction we had, you're thinking I was doing all that to check off some little boxes in my head so that later on I could use what I'd done to try and squeeze what I could out of you. Here's the fact of the matter: I wasn't doing that. You know what I saw when I first met you and Evie? Nothing special. Two newbies still stuck in the dorm a couple cycles in. Some pairs of hands to carry stuff back. If I had an ulterior motive at the time it was to force you two out of your comfort zones, even if only for a little while, simply to amuse myself. So while I had absolutely no expectation for you two when we first met, you ended up proving yourselves beyond a shadow of a doubt. You aren't the first people I've mentored, but I'm the definitely the proudest of how you rose beyond the challenge.
So, you know what, Kate? You need to get over yourself. I didn't keep my situation from you in order to hurt you – and I definitely didn't do it to take advantage of you - but I'm tremendously sorry that I retroactively broke your trust by not telling you about it sooner. You need to let me do whatever I can to try and fix it because - and I know this is a selfish reason, I know I'm impossibly selfish - I need your help. I dunno if you've heard but right now I've bitten off way more than I can chew. I managed to convince Evie to get on board with my half baked, dumbfuck plan, but she really gave me a piece of her mind the other day because of it.
Speaking of which, I can sort of understand why you're shutting me out, but why are you shutting her out? She mentioned that you haven't been responding to her emails. I told her that maybe it was because you haven't been getting them – that's possible, I guess, they very well may be restricting what info you're getting on the outside - but I'm not fully convinced that's what's going on. I don't know what exactly Evie did to piss off a bunch of the people in your class, but given how she can be I can make a couple guesses. Honestly, though, I don't really care about the exact reason they're upset with her - as far as I'm concerned that's all a million miles away. But what I do care about is that you stuck with her in spite of whatever it was, and now, because of me, you're not.
So, you know what, Kate? Screw what I said earlier about getting over yourself. Rather than doing that you should open your mouth every once in awhile and let us know if you're having an issue, rather than bottling it up until it blows, or totally shutting down and cutting off contact. I'm certainly not going to dismiss you if you bring something up. I guarantee that I've done things ten times more stupid, ten times more reckless, and ten times less forgivable than you have. If you tell me about something, I'll do what I can to fix it. I promise you that.
I really want to talk with you in person, but even getting a letter back from you is probably more than I deserve. Please write me a letter back. I want to fix our relationship, if I can. I know I haven't done anything to you that's beyond fixing - I don't think I have, at least. I hope that's right. I really want to talk with you if you can bring yourself to meet with me.
Finally, and I know this is selfish, but I have a request. I was supposed to meet the guy I went to the gala with, Tim, for dinner this cycle on day four. I'd send him a letter telling him I can't make it but I don't remember his last name. So, if you could, I'd really appreciate it if you could tell him I'm in jail. He's at House Solstice. If you don't know where that is, ask around, the Blood Mages all know. And please don't lie to him and say I'm busy, or something, I'd rather have him know the real reason. That's also something I'm going to try to do from now on: be more upfront and truthful - with everyone, not just with you. I don't want him to feel like he got stood up - that's a really shitty feeling - and I don't want to poison a potential relationship by lying to him. It's just dinner, by the way, I was trying to have a more normal sort of romantic relationship after my last ones imploded, and here I can't even make it to the first date because I'm in jail for murder. Maybe a normal anything with me isn't possible. Maybe that's just how it is. I'm sorry I am the way I am.
Lucy
Putting the completed letter aside and taking a few minutes to stare at the wall. Picking up the next piece of paper.
Garland,
Tonight's altercation was the result of a personal dispute between myself and one of the members of your House. It is not a reflection of our current arrangement and it should not be construed as an breach of that arrangement. I fully intend to resume my regular duties once my sentence has been served. In the meantime, I'd be more than happy to charge whatever items you wish to send my way.
Regards,
Macarthy
And, the last.
Julie,
I'm in jail for the cycle so I'm not going to be able to make it to our usual outing on two. I'll tell you what happened when I see you. Stay well.
Lucy
***
Name: Lucilia Macarthy Profession: Runemage Level: 20 Sex: Female Experience: 302,593 (0) Age: 20 Until Next: 76,700 Health 87 Mana 98 Stamina 42 Spirit 9 Strength (STR) 59 (4) Constitution (CON) 66 (8) Dexterity (DEX) 71 (15) Agility (AGI) 89 (19) Discipline (DIS) 79 (14) Aura (AUR) 86 (18) Logic (LOG) 77 (18) Intuition (INT) 80 (20) Wisdom (WIS) 50 (0) Influence (INF) 79 (14)
Name Trainings Bonus Armor Use 6 29 Physical Fitness 21 71 Combat Maneuvers 3 15 Simple Weapons 21 71 Arcane Symbols 26 76 Magic Item Use 21 71 Harness Power 21 71 Mana Control 21 71 Runemancy 21 71 Arance Lore, Decomposition 10 45 Arcane Lore, Shaping 21 71 Arcane Lore, Transference 11 48 Survival 15 60 Perception 21 71 Climbing 15 60 Swimming 15 60 First Aid 15 60 Trading 20 70 Stalking and Hiding 10 45
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“Alright, you're free to go.”
Doing a final stretch and exiting my cell. Usually the worst part of jail is that it's boring – that, the shit food, and the lack of bathing options - but this stint turned out to be a nice breather. Definitely not lonely or idle. Strutting out the main prison entrance with my feet safely ensconced in my formerly high heeled and now Reshaped, lowtop shoes. My thank you gift for Harper's care package in hand - a small statue painstakingly sculpted and Reshaped and remolded over and over to best resemble her demon. Only few scattered streetlamps still alight in the empty city square at the witching hour.
The empty square. The not-empty square. Enemies. Enemies everywhere. Perhaps some even now sitting still in some patch of shadow watching their target leave prison. Watching their target standing in the small ring of light projected from the city garrison. Watching and waiting and whispering amongst each other as a globe of crackling energy appears above their target's head. My challenge. Come and get me.
Off to the left something stirring in the otherwise unblinking, unsleeping night, slightly hunched and moving in a direct line toward me. Each of the woman's steps surefooted on the cobblestones. A multicolored shawl draped over the shoulders of her moleskin coat. The older woman who'd initially directed me to meet with the Council in the first place.
“What a lucky coincidence it is, Ms. Macarthy, meeting you here this evening. Do you have a few moments you can spare?”
“I'm a little busy.”
“Aren't we all? I only need is a few moments of your time.”
“What errand are you trying to foist on me now?”
“Foist?” The woman's fingertips grazing her wounded heart. “I merely told you what you needed to succeed. That you're the one who chose the very long path isn't on me, but maybe all of that was for the best. If you do feel personally slighted, for some reason, please allow me to make amends. If you wish, I could direct you out of here safely tonight. Or you could chance the streets.”
Doing a sweep of the undoubtedly not-so-empty emptiness in the town square.
“Fine.”
“Hold on.” A gnarled hand catching mine. “Not that way. I think this way would be more wise.” The woman leading me by the hand away from the direction of House Haven at a very quick pace. Taking some turns through the deserted streets, east and then a long stretch south. Entering a narrow alley, clean and well maintained, a few blocks from the outer wall. The woman producing a key for a solid wooden door.
The interior filled with a light spritz of incense and flowers, and the walls covered in tapestries. The first, the heavens charted overhead, the second, a rendition of the gods' conflict, personified, and the last, a map of the known world with Lumeer placed all the way off to one side.
“I'm sorry I hurried us here so fast,” she says. “I didn't want to let the tea oversteep. Sugar?”
“Maybe some lemon if you have any.”
The woman pausing before rooting around in her kitchen. Setting down a cup after creating some space on her coffee table.
“Do you believe in fate, Ms. Macarthy?”
“Not really.”
“I suppose you wouldn't. All of you seem to be less bound by it - but I suppose that's what makes you all so interesting.”
“So what's the errand you want me to run? I seem to be getting all sorts of requests lately.”
“Errand? I have nothing of the sort.” The woman taking a sip of tea. “Five days ago I'd retired for the evening after a late dinner, and was meditating in that twilight on the edge of sleep. I find that it's a useful practice for cataloging the days events. That's when I saw it, a vision of a heavy iron boot smashing the town flat, and then rodents scurrying out of the rubble.”
“So what do you want me to do about it?”
“I don't know that you can do anything. Besides, while dreams may contain many truths, they're also filled with all sorts of supposition - very much overclouded by emotion.” The woman staring at me while her lips gummed at the cup. “Earlier today, when I was bird watching, a certain flock took my interest and their pattern brought them over the jail. It was a most curious flight path they chose. Which is why I showed up this evening, only to find you. So, if you'd be a dear, I'd like to perform a reading in order to better feel out the situation.”
“Sure, provided you can tell me something useful about one of my ongoing issues.”
“Useful.” The woman starting to shuffle the cards. “You don't know how much I loathe that word. The future is, as always, unknown, but the ripples of today's actions serve to make it imperfectly perceivable. Both the good and the bad on the horizon.” The woman loudly clacking the deck of cards against the table. “Suffice it to say there's a reason I ended up getting assigned to this particular locale.” The woman drawing and laying out the cards. The Devil. Death. The Hanged Man. The woman saying nothing, staring at the cards. Not explaining their meaning. Not making a single sound.
“There's your reading. Anything that'll help me?”
“You.” The word sounding a lot like how she'd said 'useful'. Slowly shaking her head. “Maybe there is, but I think need to delve a little deeper, if you'll indulge my request.” Not waiting for my answer, instead bounding to her feet and going back into her kitchen. Sipping my cup of tea as she bangs around while looking for something. The woman coming back with a large plate filled with bones. Some chicken, maybe dog, but that one's definitely a human finger, and that other one's a rib, no question.
“I quite like the tea, it's better than the usual stuff they have around here.”
“The tea?” The woman not even looking up, engrossed in her task picking through the bones. “Yes,” she says offhandedly, “I quite enjoy it. It's imported from the eastern continent.” Selecting six or seven bones out of the pile, not at random, but whatever criteria she's using isn't apparent. “I said earlier that dreams are often colored by emotion - making what they show questionable - but birds also suffer similar limitations. There're always too many outside forces at play to make everything birds reveal to be the absolute truth. I'm a fan of cards, personally, they're easy to carry and versatile - but I'll acknowledge that they also have their own shortcomings.” The woman casting the bones she'd gathered onto the table. Spinning and clacking. “Bones, on the other hand, have certain limitations in their scope, but when they speak they always speak the truth. There's truth in bones, remember that.” The woman staring at the bones she'd thrown. “Entrails, too. My master always swore by entrails to ascertain minor details, but she always made it clear that bones are the foundation.”
“Huh.”
This tea isn't poisoned, right? Doesn't taste like it. Putting my cup down. That is more than enough tea. The previously warm atmosphere gradually degrading as the woman mutters to herself while reading the bones.
“...it was right. It was the right thing to do, at the time, and yet this is the result? Them. They have to be the cause. Their very presence disrupts the natural flow with their otherworldly schemes. But for this one here, what should be done about this? A better result did occur the last time, so maybe letting everything play out this time would also be the best course, as bad as that may seem. Although, maybe a nudge here, or-”
“Hey, old woman.” Her head snapping up. “I know there's a lot of problems following me around. You got any useful advice?”
“Nothing you don't already know. Stick to your instincts and don't second guess yourself.” The woman scooping the tossed bones back onto the plate. “Hurry along and stay near the southern wall if you wish to make back to Haven without incident this evening.”