January 15th 20XX

The weather was cold just like the attitudes all around me.

"Next stop, Shibuya Station."

The daily commute, a grind that could not escape the loop of redundancy. At least during this time I can think quietly of the things around me, the things surrounding my life. I've made it, and yet victory feels so empty, so pointless.

I am certainly no good friend. Maybe that explains the grueling loneliness I have endured over the years, only for me to lie to myself that it was for the sake of my career. I look into the distance, with a hesitant sigh. I could continue to lie to myself, to keep in odds with my medical career...

Ultimately, I did evermore feel lonely, as the snow outside created a cold blinding blanket, one of the whitest winters I have seen.

...

"Sensei, I was hoping we could maybe go on a date this Christmas? It doesn't have to mean we're in a relationship or anything like that!? I just... I just don't have anyone to go with..."

"I'm sorry, Katie, I just simply cannot. I have to visit my parents in Vancouver this winter, and they are gravely ill. I sincerely hope you can understand."

I lied. I haven't seen my parents in years, always delaying a chance to visit so I don't have to confront these feelings and emotions.

I don't want to feel these emotions.

"Ah... alright."

Katie's mood soon transformed into a gloomy cloud and I couldn't help but feel sorry. I just wanted to be alone... I need to practice more, to learn more to treat more people. And yet, why do I still feel lonely. I wanted to hate myself for rejecting Katie, but how can you hate someone who is selfless?

I'm a fool that buries myself in unsatisfaction.

"Wait what!? You want to stay on call during the New Year? You know they barely give you any extra pay for doing so right?"

"Yes, it's not about that. I'm just afraid we won't have enough on call staff during the holidays. Besides, it never really was about the money. I just can't stand to leave her side."

"Suit yourself, I'll go tell the Chief."

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

To XXXXXXXXXXXXX,

It is in my grimmest of hearts to inform that patient 740030 has been transferred to the cardiothoracic surgery ICU after experiencing life threatening episode of ventricular tachycardia. Please take care of her during the break. You know the procedure required for ventricular tachycardia, so please let her loved ones down easy.

XXXXXXXXX, ER chief

That's right. Ventricular Tachycardia can only be cured by a heart transplant and the chances of her receiving one before an untimely death was unlikely. I refuse to hate God for doing this, but I have to question if there was a greater power, why would he bestow such tragedy to this world, in promises of a better afterlife.

The afterlife. No one truly knows what happens in the afterlife, but much of humanity was built after it. If not for the fear of death, we wouldn't have all these religious philosophies, morality or any sense of accomplishment. In essence, we acknowledge we eventually all die, and we lament that day.

If I died, would I acknowledge that I lived a satisfying enough life? I achieved my dream. I couldn't even lie to myself that I was satisfied. Yet, I don't know why I was so unsatisfied.

I looked through the window pane at patient 740030 through my office window facing the ICU of my department. She was awake, but in her eyes I saw no glimmer of hope. I got out of my office to meet the girl.

"Doctor, she hasn't eaten anything since she came here."

"Let me talk to her and see if I can make things better."

"Yes, doctor."

I crouched by the girl, who was attached to IVs and a respirator. Something a child so young should never have to endure.

"What's your name?"

"Emilia."

"That's a very beautiful name. Why aren't you eating any of your food that the nice nurse provided for you?"

"I'm not hungry."

As if on cue, her stomach decided to growl.

"My doctor senses tell me you are in fact hungry!"

Emilia couldn't help but smile awkwardly.

"Please Emilia, tell me what's wrong."

"I let my friends down. I was supposed to be the lead ballerina for our Christmas ballet."

"Emilia, it's not your fault."

"I think it is."

"I'm sure your friends would have understood. Hey how about this? I'll ask the hospital staff if we could have you in our Christmas talent show."

All of a sudden her eyes sparkled a glint of anticipation.

"What's that, doctor?"

"It's a talent show we doctors put on for the patients but I'm sure we will be happy to have you perform too!"

"Thank you doctor."

I opted to pet her head but then remembered her condition and refrained from doing so. Too much excitement could put her into V-tach.

I wave her goodbye and hiding my fake smile until I was out of sight.

How could I be truly happy about her situation, a poor little girl cursed by the cruelty of god will soon be taken away.

At the very least I gave her something to look forward to.

...

"Wow, the weather outside. It's extraordinary even Tokyo could see such a snowstorm."

"It's alright dear, the rails have operated in worse conditions. We need to get home for her Christmas parties."

"We most certainly will."

Overhearing the chatter of holiday plans around me at the very least reduced the weight in my chest, but I could not bare myself to be buried in thought.

I let down everyone I care about, all for my work. Ironic that at one time, I wished upon a star to make everyone in the world happy. And here I am, unable to chase a glimmer of happiness.

Except to save people's lives. That alone is my reason to be. And I won't forget about it. And as I drift into a heavy sleep, those were my last thoughts I would have.