I have given a lot of thought to how I would die, that’s what thanatophobia and being an life-long overthinker will do to you. I’d imagine it to be like drifting off into an dreamless sleep- there would be no more thoughts, no feelings, no pain and no suffering, but there wouldn’t be pleasure either. In fact there would be nothing just a neutral state of eternal oblivion. Or maybe if I was lucky and something as incomprehensible as souls did exist then perhaps I would get to Heaven to be reunited with my loved ones. That’s a big maybe because as far as I knew life didn’t offer one second chances. However whatever would occur after my death surely peace would be awaiting me. Or so I thought.. because I’d never imagined it like this.
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It was sunny and the skies were a cloudless, ocean blue.
The sun felt warm as it shone across my face and I was laying in the soft grass of a meadow, my eyes set on a girl. Her face was ordinary, yet unfamiliar- a stranger I somehow knew and loved. Despite the ordinary appearance she was beautiful and her eyes seemed to hold love and affection; her brown hair and warm eyes reflecting beautifully in the sunlight. I knew deep inside that she was my girlfriend but I couldn’t place the feeling- I just knew and felt at home in her presence. Her soft and pink lips curled into a smile and I leaned in to kiss her. I wanted this moment to last forever.
The scene around me distorted and I was walking; trying to navigate my dark surroundings. The rain that came pouring heavily from the skies above was blurring my vision and soaking my clothes. As I looked around I found myself in a forest that stretched all around me, the trees swaying by a strong wind. I looked behind me and a shadow was standing there in the middle of the forest, watching me; A faceless entity, alien yet disturbingly human at the same time. It stood there as still as a corpse. Watching. Waiting. Inducing chills all over my body and freezing me in place.
Then, it seemed like something in its demeanor changed and the shadow had moved closer, and without warning it came flying towards me. In a rush of panic I ran as fast as I could, as if my life depended on it. Trees blurring and passing me in a swift motion while I was being pulled forward by an invisible force; weightless and powerless as if my legs belonged to someone else- towards an unknown destination.
An old, abandoned building appeared like a shadow against the trees and as I approached I didn’t hesitate, pushing open an heavy door that lead to the entrance. It was dark and the hallway stretched endlessly, and as I walked it was as if my destination kept getting further away from me, so close but never truly in reach. Suddenly weak lights started flickering, causing distorted shadows on the walls. In the short flashes of light in the all consuming darkness faint traces of blood revealed itself; smeared over the antique walls and floor and seeping into the cracks. A feeling of fear, impending doom and unease was growing in my stomach; a sheer contrast to the peace and love I felt before.
“Adam” a vague voice echoed through the hallways, shouting my name in the distance “Please, stay away”
It was a warning, begging me to not come closer but I couldn’t stop, I had to get to them and I didn’t know why.
Music started playing and bouncing off the walls; it was a distant but familiar melody that I remembered from somewhere. It felt out of place in the scene I was finding myself in but part of my surroundings nonetheless.
Then the music ringing in my ear became louder, more real as if it was approaching me. And suddenly it was dark again.
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I opened my eyes. My heart was pounding audibly and forcefully in my chest and I felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins as if I was still finding myself in that frightening building or eerily forest, the anxiety dancing in my stomach as I tried to adapt to my new surroundings.
I was laying sideways in my bed, staring directly at the bright light of the phone in front of me. The music didn’t disappear, it was coming from the damn phone ringing on my bedside table; with the alarm I had set for every morning. I yawned as a reflex and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and as soon as I realized the horror and fear from the scenes before were just a nightmare and I was laying safe under the comforter of my bed I was starting to calm down; I took a deep breath, relief settling in and my heartbeat slowing.
But then I remembered the dream from before, the peaceful and beautiful scene and the love I felt radiating from the girl.. A striking sadness took over when I was confronted with the harsh reality that I didn’t have a girlfriend, at least not anymore. I closed my eyes wishing I was taken back to that world, to reach the peace and love I felt with her; to be back in that moment and how happy I felt. On the other hand I remembered the blood, the shadow, the voice and the fear, and the nightmare made me never want to sleep again. It made me feel conflicted about my dreams.
It didn’t matter anyway, she was just a fraction of my subconscious mind. She didn’t exist, no matter how much I wanted to.
With tearful eyes and reluctant acceptance of the real world I sighed and grabbed my phone to cancel the alarm, the ache in my heart grounding me in the cold reality of my empty apartment. As I glanced at the time I saw it was 6:05 am, meaning I had just short of an hour to get ready for work. I loved waking up early, it made me feel energized and productive even in the weekend, and even if preparing myself for another day of mundanity. I stretched and sat up, then I threw the covers off, grabbed clothes from my closet and made my way to the bathroom to take a hot shower.
After a refreshing shower I got dressed in casual clothes I felt comfortable in; a pair of jeans and grey t- shirt, then finished it off with my favorite black leather jacket- a classic you would imagine bikers to wear. I stared at the man in the mirror. I was average looking, not exceptionally attractive but not ugly either, though my my mother would have you believe different. I ran my hand through my messy hair and let the bangs fall flawlessly across my forehead. I didn’t bother to style it, I thought it was a waste of time and I liked it the way it was. I was white skinned, the pale complexion you would expect from someone born and raised in the Northern regions of the United States.
I inherited the same brown eyes as my mother but hers were warmer, mine were dark, empty somehow and held a hint of tiredness, with purple eye bags running underneath it. I had a short stubbled beard that fit with a man my age- just a man in his mid twenties going through his early mid-life crisis.
I sighed, and as I couldn’t bare to look at myself any longer I brushed my teeth and after taking care of my dental hygiene I left the bathroom.
I was living in a small apartment in the middle-class area of New Jersey. It was cold this time of the year with temperatures as low as 23 degrees Fahrenheit, and as I hadn’t been bothered to fix the heater yet that cold was palpable throughout my apartment. I hadn’t been bothered to do much, period.
I made a hot cup of coffee, flavored it with sugar and sat at the table near the window.
I had just moved in about a week ago and besides buying and moving in furniture, most of my belongings were still in moving boxes that I had pushed into corners. I just didn’t have the energy to do anything after a long day of work that wasn’t eating and unwinding away on the couch with a good movie or book. At least I had finished putting up my Christmas decorations last night.
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I couldn’t lie, it looked cozy. The warm lights and pine garlands lining around the window and fireplace, the old fashioned colored lights in the Christmas tree next to the TV, the various candy canes and snowflakes, and the cheerful Santa Clause greeting the people outside. And of course I didn’t forget to buy every decoration and baubles in its traditional colors as I was used to in my childhood- red, green and gold. My apartment was truly brought to life.
But despite the warmth and comfort it brought to my apartment I also told myself it was useless, no one was coming to see it. Christmas was always my favorite time as a child, and still was as an adult. I would have Christmas dinner at my parents but after that I would come back here, alone.
I took a sip of my coffee and stared outside. The view was beautiful and was the main reason why I decided to buy the apartment; a view on the Atlantic ocean and the skyline of the metropolis New York City looming in the distance. There was a heavy snowfall but that didn’t ruin the sight, only enhance it.
The pale sunlight of early dawn was coming through the thick mass of grey clouds; reflecting in the water and making the scene look like it was directed in a movie, or painted as the famous work of an artist rather than something I was looking at in real life. I could never get over it and it made me feel at peace. The city of course, while serene from afar was always bustling with life even at this early hour of the day.
As I reflected I had to admit that I was lying to myself. The view wasn’t the only reason why I wanted to move out and start over- it was her.
I had always yearned to connect with someone deeply since my adolescence, but that feeling somewhat subdued when I realized it wasn’t for me and was likely never going to happen. Connection didn’t come easy for me, rejection taught me that- I had only a handful of friends in high school and I wasn’t conventionally attractive enough, let alone socially adapt.
So I focused on other things: Faith, self improvement, my career. And family. That was until I met her.
I swallowed and twirled the small spoon around in my coffee. The break up was burned as a vivid memory in my mind and I still felt the same stabbing pain in my heart as when it happened. The wounds were too recent, too fresh. Our relationship wasn’t without its issues, it never is but despite the imperfections we were happy together, or at least we tried to make it work. Or so I thought. We were supposed to spend Christmas together until that day when everything changed.. when I found her in bed with someone else.
I still remember that exact moment when my heart shattered in pieces, the anger, the rage- it lingered. It was a type of hurt and betrayal that would have a lasting impact on someone, that would make you see the world and its inhabitants in a different light, a dim light. It turns your perception of love, something pure into something fragile and easily broken. And even if I healed, I wasn’t sure if I could trust someone again.
I stared at the skyline in the distance, the towering glas steel buildings reflecting the pale sunlight. People down there were buying overpriced coffee and posting perfectly crafted lives on social media. Then tonight they would come home and do the same thing all over again. It was an endless, repetitive cycle of consumerism that never ended. It all felt so.. empty. Modern life seemed to revolve around indulgence and fleeting pleasures. I knew that it was partly because of my neurodivergence that I didn’t fit in, but more than often I also felt alienated from my peers.
The truth was that I was always looking for something more.. something meaningful. To be free from the confines of society, but I could never really grasp what that was except a wish to start over, to be someone else with a different life.
A fierce passion and drive burned inside of me with no outlet, with no clear goal or direction in mind. I suppose it was one of the reasons why I kept switching jobs.
I looked down at my hand, stretching it and as I closed it into a fist I glanced at my knuckles. They were still red, raw and swollen- holding traces of a past fight. Bruises were already starting to bloom, a dull ache radiating from each joint. At least it gave me the excuse to use the line ‘You should have seen the other guy’ for once when someone would ask me what happened. But I knew deep inside that he wasn’t to blame for the affair, he was just as unaware as I was- a victim.
The ringtone of my phone snapped me out of my thoughts. I sighed, grabbing my phone from the table to look at the caller’s ID flashing across the screen.
‘Mom’
I hesitated for a moment before answering
“Good morning, mom”
“Good morning Adam” she answered “You sound tired, is everything alright?”
“Yeah” I lied “Just another day. I haven’t really had time to unpack most of my stuff yet”
“Have you thought about quitting that job?”
I took the last sip of coffee then swirled the spoon around in the cup “I thought about it” I sighed “But honestly, I love my job and it gives me financial stability. It’s not like my dream job is waiting for me”
“Adam you’ve been unhappy for years. You can’t keep wasting your life like this.”
“I know” I muttered “I’m just figuring out what I want.. since the break up it’s been-“
“I know” she affirmed “I just want you to make choices that are right for you. But you’ll get through this.”
“I know” I repeated “Thanks, mom”
“Maybe you should take a day off, focus on yourself.”
“I appreciate the thought but it works best for me if I can focus on something.. to go out and do something so I won’t feel unproductive and my mind can’t wander”
“It’s just” she paused, taking a deep breath “I don’t think you should go to work today. I’m having a bad feeling”
“You always have a bad feeling, mom” I chuckled “I’ll be alright I promise, just try to relax”
“Alright but if there’s anything you’ll call me, okay?”
“I promise” I said.
“You’re coming over for Christmas eve, right?” She asked.
I chuckled. My mother could always talk my ears off, which was entertaining and provided conversation but I always had to be the one to hang up first.
“Of course, as always” I reassured her “You know Christmas is an important family tradition for me”
“It’s just.. I don’t know if we can afford any presents this year” she admitted. “You know how it is with the economy.. everything is getting expensive these days.”
“Mom” I sighed “You don’t have to do that. I might still do it as a gesture but those things aren’t what’s important to me- It never was.”
“You don’t have to buy us anything either honey, we would be glad to see you and spend time together.”
“Well, we’ll see” I chuckled “I’m not one to give up easily.”
“When do you have to leave for work?”
“I still have to scrape the frost from my car so I should probably go.” I answered.
“Make sure to wear your cross necklace, for good luck.” She said”
“Always.” I answered.
“Good luck at work honey. I love you”
“I love you too, mom.” I answered. “Tell dad and my brothers I love them.”
“Will do” she said “Bye.”
“Goodbye.”
I hang up the phone and glanced at the time- 6:55 am. Time to go. I looked at the cross necklace on the table; it was a Christmas present from my childhood and ever since held great meaning and significance to me because of how it got me through so many tough and difficult times. I grabbed the necklace and put it around my neck.
With a sigh I grabbed my keys and winter jacket and stepped into cold morning air while pulling it on- closing the door behind me. The freezing cold hit me instantly- biting into my skin and I shivered, putting my hands in my pockets to warm them up. The snowfall became heavier and snowflakes danced in the pale sunlight, covering everything in a white blanket. I remembered there was a warning for the weather last night on TV. I had just changed the tires suited for winter and I was always careful while driving anyway- I decided I just had to take extra care and i’d be fine.
My car- a matte black Audi was parked just in front of my apartment. I brushed the snow off my car and turned on the engine, letting it warm up as I scraped the frost from my windows and windshield, greeted my neighbor and wished them a good morning when they stepped outside and got inside of my car. I turned on the heater to a maximum as I reveled in the warmth and comfort then turned on my favorite radio station. The first thing I heard was a news report- repeating the weather warning and advising people to drive carefully and make sure they check for snow chains and winter tires if they can’t stay home.
The calm and peace of the early morning were nice but as I drove to work there was an underlying feeling of impending doom in my stomach. I didn’t know if it was the weather warning or my mother’s ominous words, but even though I knew her to be overprotective and that this wasn’t unusual from her, her words kept circling into my mind. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something about today felt terribly wrong but I shook the thought off, dismissing it as her usual worry. Still the feeling of dread lingered just like the frost on the road refusing to melt away.