War! Worse than before!
While the brave soldiers of Mighty Aussie Empire were busy fighting the Kaiserland in a faraway planet of Europa, the ancient enemy of mankind reared its ugly head and prepared for conquest!
Meet Jack, who just came back from the dreaded continental frontlines, eager to live peacefully on his little farm in the wastelands of Outback..only to find his house ransacked, his family killed and his anime figures trampled by a squad of vile emu stormtroopers!
Jack took his illegally smuggled rifle out and shot them all to death, giving these birds a taste of their own medicine!
“Haha, fucking emus don’t know who they messed with!”
However, that was just a vanguard of much greater military operation! Our protagonist soon found himself once again within the ranks of Aussie Army, this time as a volunteer. His goal: exacting sweet vengeance upon the emus, the kangaroos, and even the koalas if it comes to that!
*******
Thus, he was given a rank of a private. He was forced to put on some lame ass uniform, and his lucky rifle was confiscated and replaced by some run-of-the mill crap.
“Fuck those motherfuckers! I am Jack of the Wilds, defender of the innocent from the tyranny of the powerful! I am here to serve my country and protect my homeworld’s innocent and the weak, not play hero like some damn kid who doesn’t know shit about war, dammit!”
A chorus of “Fuck you!” rang out through the camp and cut straight into his narrative!
“Fucking bastards ain’t know what’s coming to them!” Exclaimed our hero out loud, but to himself. “I fought the emus once already, unlike these cunts!”
A buff middle aged man stood up, an entire roasted pig in between his meaty palms.
“Who the fuck are you calling a cunt, cunt!”
He then threw the pig at Jack! But Jack wasn’t stupid; by the time the pig reached his position, he already dug an entire god damn foxhole and hid there.
The body of the pork splattered against the ground a few inches away, and Jack, triumphant in his success, flipped the big guy off!
“You ain’t gonna get me with such a hamfisted approach!”
“Haha! I see what you did there! Hamfist! Haha!”
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
“Ahahahahahahahaa*cough cough*ahahahaha!”
And thus, Jack made his first friend. The big man’s name was Oolong, and he won’t stay in this story for long!
~~~~66 minutes later~~~
*Wheeeeeze*
^that is the sound of mortar
*WheeeWheeWheeWheeeeze*
^and that is the sound of many mortars being fired in rapid succession.
Unfortunately for Jack and his 101 regiment, they heard the second variant. And moments after the first wheeze, their jolly ol’ camp was bombarded from all directions at once!
The first shot hit Oolong straight in the center of his seizable mass, and he was splattered into countless tiny pieces.
“Holy shit!”
That was all Jack could say as he took cover. He held a bloody piece of Oolongs septum in his palm, and cried like a bitch!
“Fffuck, oolong! Noo!!!11”
But this moment of humanity wouldn’t last long! Sadness was soon replaced by rage, and then by excitement in this bizarre reversal of five stages of grief!
He decided to avenge his friend whom he has known for so long, but more likely, he just wanted an excuse to kick some emu ass!
“Keep your head down, dumbass!” said a soldier who was unfortunate enough to hide in the same foxhole as Jack “Do you want to get killed?”
“DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!?!?!” answered Jack, remembering a famous quote of Fredrich the Great, the meaning of which he most certainly misunderstood. “Let’s charge these bastards before they charge us! Eh?”
Thus he bravely charged out of cover, and hopped over the few inches of barbed wire, then through the bushes and into the open!
There, he stood face to face with an emu. For the first time since that dreadful day when the holy images of his waifu were trampled on, he was about to show these assholes what for!
“Yooo….long time no see…emu!”
“Cuck a doodle doo” answered the bird with spite and aimed his flamethrower at Jack!
Now then, Jack ain’t know jackshit about flamethrowers, he wasn’t allowed anywhere near one back in Europa. But he knew the basics of thermodynamics, and so he shot the emu right in the center of mass before it could unleash hell upon him!
The bullet pierced the body of the opponent and hit the fuel tank! The emu gulped audibly and then, just when the saliva made it past its seizable Adam’s apple, it was instantly engulfed in a whirlwind of fiery torment!
“Saves you fucking right asshole, waahahahaha!”
Then he took out a cigar and lit it on the blazing bird.
“That’s more fucking like it! *inhale* *cough cough* Fuck, my fucking lungs!”
Unbeknown to Jack, he just saved a goddamn camp.
Because the mortar barrage was just a cover for flamethrower troops sneaking up and aiming to give the humans hell! By blowing that one out, he alerted friend and foe alike to their presence, and soon a storm of friendly fire sniped out the remaining flame troopers out.
After the battle, the Colonel took him in his tent, and congratulated him personally.
“Jack, you crazy motherfucker, I dunno how you’ve done it, but you deserve a medal for that!”
“Heh. It’s just the beginning!” said Jack, smug but proud.
“Oh. That’s good because…” The Colonel took out a fancy badge out of a drawer and pinned it to his chest. “Because you ain’t getting it! I’ll say you were just acting on my orders, and it was all part of my genius plan! I foresaw the movement of the enemy and countered it with a counter…hey, where are you going, cunt!?”
Jack didn’t care for any medals or colonels. He only cared about one thing: to kick some emu ass. And God help this asshole officer if he ever tries getting in Jack’s way!