The wait — that was always the worst part. The calm before the inevitable storm, the silence before the cacophonous thunderclap. The stillness that filled Mona with a dread of the heart-pounding variety.
The rhythmic drum of her heart against her chest was one of the few sounds that prevented silence from falling over the apothecary she stood in. The drumming, and as always, the whispers. But she had long gotten used to the murmured words that slithered through her mind. They did nothing to add to her current disturbed disposition. No, it was her heartbeat that unnerved her the most. It was a sign that she was anxious, yes, but it was also a sign of something else; something far more sinister. It was a sign that her time was running out.
Mona tried to distract herself from the rising tide of panic within her, although with how many times she’d tried to do so she was beginning to run out of things to fixate on. She’d already picked at the brim of her sunhat to the point that the straw had become frayed, and if she chewed her hair any longer, she would be picking black strands of it out of her teeth all night. With her usual nervous habits exhausted, she had no choice but to turn to her surroundings to keep her distracted.
The apothecarial dispensary she stood in was by no means big. In fact, it was smaller than any other she had frequented before. But that was no surprise to her, Bergelmir wasn’t exactly the largest settlement in the Halcony Grasslands and compared to the cities beyond that, it was nothing more than a speck. But it was a nice town, a homely town. With kind, generous people willing to lend a hand to a stranger. It was the perfect place for someone like her to catch her breath before moving on to her next destination.
If she was honest, Mona would’ve loved to stay in Bergelmir. She would have loved to be able to put down roots for once and not have to live her life constantly in motion. But a life like that was just a dream: a fantasy fit for someone worthy of stability. Worthy of a place to call home.
Home? You don’t have a home! It’s gone! Destroyed! Devoured! Decimated! And it’s all your fault! Your fault! Your fault!
Mona’s fists clenched in response to the rising volume of the voices, the fabric of her violet gloves creasing from her fingertips to just below her elbows where they ended. Usually, she could keep their mumbles subdued, but in her current state, their whispers were becoming more like roars.
She took a deep breath and scanned her surroundings, taking in the now all too familiar sites of the dispensary. As Bergelmir’s premier apothecary it held all manner of fluids, substances and materials salvaged from the Fallen Ones that littered the fields around the settlement. Everything the town’s populace could ever need, from Ogre shavings to Giant aqueous was available for purchase, and for the less alchemically inclined, the store offered pre-made products that they brewed themselves.
Mona’s eyes wandered from shelf to shelf: studying the indecipherable glyphs craved on tablets of Troll bone, memorising the placements of mason jars filled with wyrm teeth, counting the ampoules of sanguine, bile and phlegm that lined the cabinets behind the counter. Doing anything she could to distract herself and subsequently her mind from the biting words that gnashed at the edges of her consciousness.
Trying to run? Just like always! Run, run, run, little Mona! Run until your feet bleed!
Her methods of distraction were beginning to fail, which only added to her franticness. If she didn’t find a way to quiet the voices soon, then their whispers would be the least of her problems.
Bergelmir was a nice town, a homely town, but it wouldn’t remain that way if she didn’t get her medicine.
“Sorry for the wait!”
Mona snapped out of her daze and turned her attention towards the far back of the dispensary, where out of the door behind the counter stepped its owners, Azi and Amu. In their hands, they each held a jar that contained an assortment of substances concealed in small bags and on their faces, they wore the same disgruntled looks they always did when they were forced to spend extended periods alone together.
“We apologise, Miss Desdemona. We would have gotten your order to you sooner, but my sister decided to blow off doing inventory yesterday,” Amu said, his nose upturned disdainfully towards Azi.
“Don’t put this on me, Amu!” she exclaimed. “You’re the one who restocked late! I wouldn’t have blown it off if you had just sent the scavenging party last week instead of waiting for the Knight to do your work for you!”
Amu shook his head and tutted, placing the jar in his hand on to the counter. “Deflecting the blame as always. How very mature of you. It’s no wonder mother entrusted the apothecary to me.”
“She did not! She never put you in charge, so stop acting like you are!” Azi snapped, then turned to Mona as if just realizing that she was present. As soon as the woman’s eyes moved away from her brother and towards Mona, Azi’s grimace grew to a grin as she placed her jar next to Azi’s and began to clap gleefully. “Sorry about that! Here’s your order Miss Desdemona! I know it took longer than usual thanks to my brother’s idiocy, so as an apology, I’ve thrown in some extra lymph extract!”
“And because of my sister’s blunder, I’m giving you twenty-five per cent off the whole order!” Amu added, smiling just as broadly as his sister as he and Azi’s eyes darted back and forth between glaring at each other and staring amiably at Mona.
Despite the distress the wait caused, Mona couldn’t help but be endeared. Some of the few genuine laughs she’d experienced in the near month she’d spent in Bergelmir were from Amu and Azi’s bickering, and to top it off, the two of them were exceptionally friendly. The first time she’d arrived at their apothecary, they immediately barraged her with questions about what she needed and required, and when she told them, they cared not that she was lacking in Resin or that she was a stranger. They provided her with everything she asked and took only what she could spare. Since then, each of her visits to the apothecary grew more intimate as she spent more time with Azi and Amu. And while she wasn’t the sociable sort, Mona happily spent hours listening to the duo talk, bicker and discuss all manner of subjects.
Unlike most of the people Mona had met in her travels, the two siblings had hearts of gold that overflew with compassion for everyone they met. Well, everyone but each other. It was bizarre to see the duo treat customers like royalty, then turn around and hurl venomous words and insults at each other. Mona was convinced it was a familial thing, which explained why she struggled so hard to understand their relationship. She never had any siblings, and she’d been on her own for so much of her life that she had long forgotten the sensation of kinship.
On your own? No, never! Never alone! Never alone! You will always have us!
“There’s no need to fuss over me, really,” Mona said, trying her best to hold herself together. “Your kindness is more than enough payment for the wait. Seeing the two of you always manages to put a smile on my face.”
“I say the same to you!” Azi beamed, then scrunched her nose and furrowed her brow as she scratched the back of her head. “Did I make that clear? I am saying that I was saying that the same can be said for you. No, wait. I am saying what you are saying to us, to you. Hold on. I’m just trying to say, that you make me smile as well!”
“Miss Desdemona, please ignore my sister’s babbling,” Amu sighed. “She tends to try a little too hard when it comes to impressing others. When we were kids, she would do just about anything to impress the other children, including pouring sand down my shorts.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t deserve it!” she said smugly. “Besides, Miss Desdemona didn’t come here to be bored to death by your stories.”
“Really it’s quite ok,” Mona said with a laboured smile. “The both of you don’t have to apologise for anything.”
Tick tock goes the clock! Soon the bell will ring! You must answer Mother when she is calling, little Mona!
“See, this is why you are my favourite customer. So polite! So kind!” Amu grinned.
Azi shot a narrow-eyed sneer at him. “She was my favourite first! You just copied me!”
The thicket cries! You cannot ignore it! Cut the nose! Spite the face! Accept the thorns within!
“I am truly honoured to be your favourite customer,” Mona said quickly, cutting through the two’s bickering and the voices that echoed in her eardrums. “But if it isn’t too much trouble, would it be possible for me to administer the tonic I ordered now? I have quite the headache that is in need of urgent relief.”
Without hesitation, Azi and Amu unscrewed the tops of their jars and plunged their hands inside, individually retrieving two identical dark blue vials and thrusting them towards Mona.
“Here you go, Miss Desdemona! Drink up! No need to worry about paying first!” Amu insisted.
“No, no, take mine! In fact, you can have it for free, on the house!” Azi countered.
Shame, shame, little Mona! You cannot hide behind gulps and guzzles! We will always find you!
Ignoring the thundering voice in her ear, Mona calmly reached forward and grasped hold of both vials, and though she wore a mask of composure, the liquid in them shook from her trembling hands. “Azi, Amu, you’ve already given me so much. There’s no need to try and buy my favour. But I do thank you, both of you, for being such kind and compassionate people to a stranger like me.”
And with her final word, Mona lifted both vials to her lips and emptied their liquid contents down her throat. As the last drop of it rolled on to her tongue, the roaring voices turned to shrill screams that slowly, but surely, began to quiet.
Gulps and guzzles! Tricks and tonics! Little Desdemona only treats the symptoms, not the cause! You cannot run from yourself, little monstress. We will always be here. We will always be waiting. We will always be you.
The voices faded until they were diminished to a whisper, one that was easily drowned out as their words lost all meaning and form, reduced to a barely perceptible hiss.
Quiet, Mona thought, breathing a deep sigh of relief. Finally. Peace and quiet.
It was all she had wanted since the voices had grown louder, and now that she had it, she would have gladly basked in its pleasantness for as long as possible. The serenity of her newly acquired silence was so overwhelming that she almost forgot she was still in the apothecary, with Azi and Amu standing directly in front of her.
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
Mona opened her eyes to see the siblings staring at her, then in one embarrassing motion, she wiped the blue stains of the tonic from her mouth and placed a bag of Resin on the counter.
“Are you ok, Miss Desdemona?” Azi asked, ignoring the Resin and instead opting to screw the lid back on her jar and push it towards Mona. “You drank enough Tranquillity to put down a person twice your size.”
“I’ll be fine,” Mona said, pulling the brim of her sunhat down. “I’ve built up quite the tolerance.”
Amu shook his head, mirroring his sister’s actions and placing his jar next to hers. “Come now, Miss Desdemona, there’s no need to be coy. If there’s something wrong, you can tell us. We’re all friends here.”
“We most certainly are not!” Azi interrupted, before turning to Mona and smiling softly. “But if we’re talking solely about you, Miss Desdemona, then of course we are! And while most of the time my brother is wrong, I will admit, he is right about this. You can tell us if something is bothering you.”
Even though she would have loved to tell someone, anyone, about her affliction, she knew that the risk was not worth her peace of mind. For far too long she had been alone. For far too long there had been an absence of people in her life that cared. It had been months since she’d even truly interacted with a person, and the only reason she had grown so close with Azi and Amu was because of their cordial and kind-hearted nature. If they had been just like all the other apothecary alchemists she’d had dealings with in other settlements, her only interactions with them would have been a simple hello and goodbye, and if she was honest, she preferred it that way. To not have ties that bound her to a specific settlement. To not have to burden herself with the feelings of others. But Azi and Amu had found a way to circumvent the defences she had erected around her heart. And while her time spent with them provided a warmth that thawed the frigid prison of solitude she voluntarily encased herself in, it only served to remind her of what she would have to give up once it came time for her to move on.
“I’m flattered, well and truly,” Mona began, turning her back to the two siblings. “But my problems are my own. There’s no need to get the two of you involved.”
“You know what you need? A nice, home-cooked meal,” Azi said, her seemingly random declaration leaving Mona perplexed. “My brother may be a fumble-fingered alchemist, but I have to admit, he really knows how to cook a crawdad!”
“And while my useless sister can’t mix a tonic to save her life, I’d be lying if I said she couldn’t make a pleasantly acceptable plantain bread,” Amu added. “Come have dinner with us, Miss Desdemona. Maybe you’ll feel a little more comfortable talking then.”
Mona tilted her head downwards, further concealing her face behind her sunhat. Not just because she didn’t want the siblings to see her face, but because it was growing harder and harder to look them in the eye and lie.
“I appreciate the offer, but I’m afraid I have to say no. I’m sorry, but I’m just not a social eater.”
Azi and Amu exchanged a look, and with a prompt nod, they both simultaneously existed from behind the store counter and stood on either side of Mona.
“Are you sure you’re alright, Miss Desdemona” Azi asked, trying her best to peek under Mona’s hat and meet her gaze. “We don’t mean to press, but it’s just strange that you never take us up on our dinner offers. Is it because you can’t stand the thought of spending time with Amu?”
“No, of course not,” Mona insisted.
“Is it because Azi’s voice drives you mad?” Amu asked.
“It’s none of those things. I promise.”
“Then what is it, Miss Desdemona?” Azi asked, her expression growing more dispirited with each word. “What is it that’s bothering you so much you need to take two vials of Tranquillity? What is causing you so much pain that you require all of these ingredients?”
With a deep sigh, Mona braced herself for what was to come. It didn’t happen at every apothecary she frequented while travelling, but the longer she stayed in a place, the more suspicious her suppliers grew. It was only a matter of time before they put together what she was using the materials she bought to make, and once they did, they would either ban her from their dispensary, or report her to the authorities. Even though Azi and Amu were kinder than any alchemist she had come across, she was sure that their reaction would be no different. The law was the law, and no sane person would risk breaking it for a stranger.
“If you want to stop selling me what I need, it’s alright. I understand,” Mona said plainly. “I’ll pay for this order and leave. All I ask is you don’t report me, and you’ll never have to see me again.”
“Nonsense!” Azi and Amu exclaimed, their voices concordantly overlapping.
Mona stared at the two, her eyes wide and her mouth agape. “Excuse me?”
“Did you really think we’d be so heartless to just kick you out just because the law forbids certain combinations of products to be sold?” Amu scoffed.
“You are more than a customer to us, Miss Desdemona,” Azi added. “I’d say you were like family, but that would be more of an insult than a compliment!”
“If anyone finds out what you’re supplying me with, you could lose your licence,” Mona replied. “Please, there’s no need to worry about me.”
“I’m afraid we can’t help but do so,” Amu said firmly. “If there is something troubling you, we are here to talk. It’s our business to heal ailments of the body, but it’d be our pleasure to heal any ailments of the soul you may possess.”
Azi took a step forward, leading her body with an outstretched hand. “You don’t have to run from us, Miss Desdemona. Let us help.”
It hurt to hear how much Azi and Amu cared, more so than the vile vitriol she endured from the voices that inhabited her mind. It hurt because while their words were well-meaning, they held no tangible weight to her. It hurt because they cherished her presence, and for someone like her, relationships were not a luxury she could afford. And most of all, it hurt because they were offering something that Mona desperately wanted, desperately needed, but could never have. While the siblings’ intent was to make her feel better, all their words did was pierce her heart and bleed it dry. While it was a twisted thing to think, Mona would have much preferred it if the two had just kicked her out of their store.
“I’m sorry, I should go,” Mona said, removing a crumpled bag from her dress and placing the two jars inside. “Don’t worry about the change. Consider it a parting gift.”
“We won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to,” Amu sighed. “But please, Miss Desdemona, remember. We are here if you need us.”
“We know you aren’t planning on spending much longer in Bergelmir, but it would be nice if we could have that dinner before you go,” Azi said with a weary smile. “Just the one, so we can say goodbye good and proper.”
It was a testament to Azi and Amu’s empathy that Mona was considering taking them up on their offer. She thought that she had not only grown accustomed to being alone but was beginning to prefer it to having company, but in less than a month, the two of them had managed to whittle away at her until she realised the truth. That she only feigned enjoying solitude in order to stave off her misery. Given enough time, Mona would have perhaps found herself in Azi and Amu’s home, enjoying warm crawdad soup and freshly baked plantain bread, instead of cold beans on a stale barley loaf. She might have eventually confided in the two and informed them of her plight, and perhaps, if the Saints were kind, the siblings would have continued to treat her as a friend and assist her in finding a way to cure her affliction. But such things were only fantasies — fantasies that could never come to fruition. Not because Mona dismissed them outright, but because the voices that should have stayed silent till nightfall suddenly began to scream.
Pain! Pain and suffering! Like fire! Like poison! Like death! Pain is falling and the sky is bleeding!
Mona doubled over from the sudden screeching that began to gnaw at her mind. She would have found herself splayed on the marble floor of the apothecary had the sudden shatter of the vials that she once held in her hands not returned her to reality quick enough to catch the edge of the counter.
“Miss Desdemona! Are you alright?” Azi asked, rushing forward, with her brother in tow as both reached to take hold of either one of her arms.
“No! Stay back!” Mona exclaimed, stumbling away from them, her hands pulled towards her chest as she struggled to focus, the chaotic cries of the voices further disorientating her.
The mother calls out! She screams in agony! They seek to uproot the world! They seek to wither! To collapse! The heathen comes! The heathen approaches! The heathen hungers!
“Miss Desdemona, please! You have to tell us what’s happening to you!” Amu pleaded. “We can help if you’d just let us!”
But there was no helping her, Mona knew that. Even with all the knowledge, tools and substances they had at their disposal, there was nothing that the siblings could do to stop what was happening. Despite the Tranquillity she took, the voices had returned, and now there was only one thing left for her to do. Run, before things grew infinitely worse.
“You can’t help me!” Mona yelled, backing away from the two and towards the door. “Nobody can!”
“You have no idea how many people have said those exact words to us, Miss Desdemona. They all believed they couldn’t be helped,” Azi said, inching closer as if she was approaching a startled animal. “But in the end, when they finally accepted that they had a problem that needed to be fixed, they realised that it was all in their head. So please, stay with us, and let us help you.”
If it hadn’t been for the voices, Mona would have seen Azi’s hand coming. She would have batted it away and prevented her from coming any closer. But in the fugue state she found herself in, she let her guard down for a split second, and that was all Azi needed to push Mona’s sunhat up, look into the woman’s eyes and let out a bloodcurdling scream.
“By the Saints! You’re one of them!” she cried, falling on to her back and frantically crawling her way back to Amu, who stared at her confusingly.
“Azi, have you gone mad? What the devil has gotten into you?”
Once Amu had approached, he had his questions answered as his gaze met Mona’s, and he saw the dark green tears streaming from her now blackened eyes.
It took no more than three seconds for Amu to lose all control of his body as he stiffly collapsed to the ground and passed out.
“Amu? Amu!” Azi called, rushing to her brothers’ side. “Oh Saints, please, please be ok.”
“He’ll be fine,” Mona said, her voice slowly becoming one that was not her own, its raspy cadence consuming her usual whispered tone. “I’m sorry about this. I’m so, so sorry. But I can’t let the two of you turn me in.”
“Please, I’m begging you! Just leave us be!” Azi cried, grasping hold of Amu. “We thought you were a runaway Changeling! We just wanted to take care of you! We just wanted to be kind!”
“I know,” Mona lamented. “And I shouldn’t have let you. A thing like me doesn’t deserve it.”
Mona stared down at the crying Azi and the unconscious Amu, taking one last, longing look at the siblings. Then she focused her vision on Azi and after a few seconds, she joined her brother in unconsciousness as her body slumped over his. With the two siblings incapacitated, there was nothing left for Mona in the apothecary and nothing left for her in Bergelmir. Now all that was left to do was flee the settlement before she lost control.
Run, little Mona! Flee, little Mona! Save us from the fall! Save us from the harvest!
With her hand on the exit to the apothecary, Mona suddenly froze in place. Something was different about the voices, something had changed. They would usually mock her, provoke her, even attempt to spur her to harm herself, but never had they asked for her help, and never had they seemed so desperate. With how loud and unhinged they were, she should have lost control of herself already, but still, she retained sole possession of her body. Which could mean only one thing. Something monumental was happening.
Mona swallowed her hesitation and pushed forward, walking through the apothecary’s door and into the streets of Bergelmir, and as soon as she stepped foot outside, the absence of the sun’s light overwhelmed her emotions.
The sight of the gargantuan Fallen One’s corpse eclipsing the sun sent a wave of goosebumps rippling across her body and caused the choir of voices within her to cry out in despair.
The sun has been swallowed! Too late! Too late! It comes for us now! Flesh and green alike! Hide, little Mona! Hide! It is all that is left to do!
Suddenly, the voices silenced, their true absence marked by the discoloured tears in Mona’s eyes ceasing to flow. Of their own free will, the voices had grown quiet and evicted themselves from her mind, an occurrence that she had thought impossible. At any other time in her life, Mona would have been overjoyed by her current situation. But now, with what could only be a Titan falling form the sky, all it did was fill her with dread.
The voices were clearly scared, frightened out of the mind by the Titan. And if something was capable of striking fear into them, then it only meant her problems were about to multiply.
But Mona didn’t have much time to ponder on such thoughts. With their voices gone, and her body her own, she needed to make sure she survived. All around her the people of Bergelmir stood frozen, but some who had managed to break free of the movement-inhibiting spell the Titan’s presence had cast were cowering close to the ground and bracing for the inevitable impact that was to come.
With no other option, she did as they did and braced herself against the nearest wall for the Titan’s arrival. And when the earth heaved in response to its collision, Mona thought she was prepared for what would come next. But instead of riding out the seismic event till its end, she found herself suddenly blinded by a flash of light. A light, that was quickly followed by a single, sharp scream unlike any she had ever heard in her life. It erupted forth from her mind, consuming her very being, and as Mona writhed on the quaking ground in agony, the scream gave way to say a single word.
Freedom.