The hair on the back of my neck stand at attention as my stomach drops to my feet. I glance over my shoulder and see a tall, brute of a man out of the corner of my eye. He’s about a foot taller than me, dark curly beard and slicked back salt and pepper hair. The scent of him violates my nostrils with the stench of old cigarettes.
I firmly grab a hold of the gas nozzle that is pumping gas into my car and act like I’m paying attention how much gas is going into my tank. “Just passing through.” Maybe if I don’t say much to him, he’ll get the hint and leave me alone.
“Oh yeah?” He walks around to the side of the pump so that he can face me. His sky-blue eyes would make any girl swoon from across the room until he got close enough for them to smell him.
“Yep. My friend is coming back and we’re going to be on our way.” The gas just keeps going into my car. I need it to go faster so that we can get out of here. Or maybe I just cut it short and leave anyway, with the hopes of another gas station down the road.
He clicks his tongue and smirks at me, showing brown teeth and gaping holes where teeth used to be. His eyelids drop low to show me, I can only assume, his bedroom eyes. “Oh, we saw her. She’s a perty one too. Hank went to talk to her. But I got the cutest one.”
Just as he moves a couple of inches toward me, Kendra comes running out of the store. “Get away from me you creeper! I don’t want your ‘ding-a-ling’ anywhere near my body!”
Hank is quickly following right behind her and Smokey Joe lunges at me grabbing my hand that’s holding onto the nozzle. I fight against his grip, trying to get away from him, but the nozzle yanks out of the car and sprays Smokey Joe in the face with gasoline. He lets go in a scream of anguish. I drop the nozzle onto the ground, gas slowly coming to a stop, puddling under my car.
Kendra hollers, “Let’s go!!” She flings her car door open, jumps inside and quickly pushes the lock on her door. Hank is already at her window, banging on the glass. Smokey Joe stumbles backward and I turn to get into the driver seat as Hank’s eyes meet mine.
“Hank always gets what he wants, little girl,” he growls from across the roof of the car.
“Does Hank always talk about himself in the third person?” My witty nature sometimes takes over before my survival nature can. This was one of those times.
Kendra yells at me from inside the car, “What the hell are you doing?? Don’t anger them! Let’s get out of here!”
Hank’s eyes get small as he scowls at me. I can hear a low growl coming from him just as he slams both hands into the top of my car, leaving dents in the roof.
I climb into the car and go to shut the door, but something stops it. The smell of gasoline and old cigarettes reaches my nose and I already know who’s standing next to me. Kendra looks over my shoulder the same time I turn and see Smokey Joe standing next to me.
“Where do you think you’re going, little girl? We’re just getting started, and you’s gonna have to clean me up.”
The smell from the rotting teeth in his mouth turns my stomach and I reach for the only thing I have: the fresh coffee Kendra bought from inside the gas station store. I feel the edge of the sippy top lid with my thumb and flip it off. The heat from the cup nearly burns me but I don’t hang onto it for long. I aim at his crotch and splash steaming hot coffee onto his greasy jeans, sending him flailing away from the car. I slam the door, start the car and speed away to the sounds of Hank beating the shit out of my car with his fists. Smokey Joe is still hopping around in my rearview mirror, getting smaller and smaller the faster I go.
We pull back onto the highway and neither one of us talks for a few minutes. I look over at Kendra and she looks the way I feel. Her hair is all mussed up, and there’s a streak of eyeliner down her cheek. She looks like she barely got away from Hank. I don’t even know how she managed to get coffee.
When I look down where the coffee was, there’s not a second coffee. She only got one. Finally, I break the silence. “Was that your coffee?”
Kendra turns to look at me and then looks down at the cup holder. “I could only get one in the car. I had two but that guy yanked my hand and I dropped yours.” Kendra lets out a tiny giggle.
“Please tell me your hunts for these authors aren’t all like this?”
“They were pretty awful, weren’t they?” Kendra adjusts her seatbelt so that it’s not cutting into the side of her neck.
“Pretty awful and pretty stinky.” I run my hand over my face, just trying to get any smell off me.
“That was a great move with my coffee.”
“Really I was just jealous that you didn’t get me any.”
We both barely laugh as the mood lightens a little in the car. Kendra reaches in the back seat, looking for snacks I assume. “Maybe we should get some mace or something. Not to bring the mood back down, but if we didn’t have coffee…”
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“Or the gas nozzle,” I interject.
“I thought I smelled a lot of gas. You sprayed him with gas?” Kendra is wide eyed as she looks at me.
“He didn’t give me a choice. He grabbed my hand that was holding the nozzle. I just didn’t let go of the trigger.”
Kendra laughs as she says, “That gives a whole new meaning to ‘trigger finger.’”
I shake my head and giggle. “You’re right though, we should see if we can find something to protect ourselves. I’m afraid to go to another truck stop to find anything like that. And we’re kind of in the middle of nowhere.”
“Yeah, we’ll have to keep our eyes open for something. So, I meant to go to the bathroom when I was in there, but that guy was harassing me.”
I look at the GPS and nod. “I have to go too. Let’s keep looking for signs. We could’ve gone back to the McDonald’s, but I feel like that would’ve been too close for comfort. Those guys could’ve just followed us down there.”
Kendra nods her head. “I totally agree. Way too close.” She reaches over and turns on the radio. “Okay, let’s try to soothe our nerves.” She pushes the scan button until she finds something she likes. It’s a song that I’ve never heard before, but she sings along. She has a nice voice too.
We drive in almost silence for a while. She sings to various songs, most of which I’ve never heard, but they’re nice songs. They sound like they’re from the 70’s. Finally, we find another exit sign that shows a couple of restaurants. I think I’d like to stick to restaurants for potty breaks. No more truck stops for me. I can’t speak for her, but I think she’d agree.
I pull off onto the exit for the quaint little town of Philipsburg, Pennsylvania. There were a few restaurants but when we saw the sign that read “Hogs Galore,” we decided that we have to stop there. Even if it is just a potty break.
The parking lot is nice, no semi’s around so that makes both of us feel better. A cute little family with three kids comes walking out of the restaurant as we pull into a parking space near the front door.
“Kids are a good sign,” Kendra quietly says from the passenger seat.
“Yes, they are.” I can see that she is still shaken up from the truckers. I probably would be too if it weren’t for the fact that I just recently killed my ex-husband and Smokey Joe couldn’t hold a candle to the abusive machismo of Mike.
When I put the car into park and turn off the ignition, Kendra doesn’t open the door. “Are you okay?” I reach out and touch her arm. She flinches away from me at first.
“I, we, almost got taken. Raped. Killed. Who knows what else. Aren’t you a little nervous about going into another place?” She takes a deep breath, but I can hear her breath shudder when she blows it out.
“Yes, but we didn’t. We’re okay.” I try to use my soothing voice and hope it doesn’t come across as condescending.
She looks at me and I can see that this really messed her up. “How can you be so calm? My insides are doing flip-flops and I’m so close to tears that I’m afraid if we go inside, I’m going to break down and start sobbing.”
I don’t say anything for a minute, maybe two. “The only thing keeping me together is the fact that while, yes, those guys were scary, they weren’t as scary to me as Mike. Mike was an awful human being. He really knew how to get to the very core of me and hurt me. Smokey Joe and Hank are big, tough guys who would’ve probably hurt us, or killed us. And they might’ve been worse than Mike, who knows. But I’ve learned that, from being with an abuser for a few years, you do whatever you can to protect yourself. Whatever it takes. If they would’ve kidnapped us, I would’ve fought to the bitter end. I might not have walked away, you might not have walked away, but the only thing we can control is what we would have done or would do. I know that there’s more guys like that out there, but we can protect ourselves. No holds barred when it comes to self-defense. Even if that means that we have to kill someone to get away.”
“Kill someone?!? What? No way. I could never kill anyone. Regardless of what they are doing to me.” Kendra shakes her head as she sits next to me.
“Never say never. Did you see Smokey Joe dripping in gasoline? If it weren’t for the fact that I was afraid of blowing up my car and us in it, I was looking for a lighter when I found the coffee.”
Kendra doesn’t say anything. She turns and looks at me, and then she looks down at the empty cup holder. “You really thought about setting him on fire?”
“Yes. No holds barred. There are no restrictions to keeping me, and you, safe. If it meant setting him on fire, then that’s what I would’ve done. It would’ve also distracted his buddy and we could’ve gotten away that way too.” I shrug nonchalantly. Clearly something has flipped inside my brain since killing Mike.
“But you would be just as bad as them then.” Kendra fidgets in her seat and wipes her palms on her pants.
“No. And you can’t think that way. Thinking that way is what’s going to get you killed. We didn’t pursue them. We didn’t threaten them. We didn’t harass them. We stood up for ourselves. I fought back. I’m not going down without a fight in any situation like that and I won’t let you do it either. It’s different,” I say and then quietly add, “Very different.”
Kendra sighs and I can see her shoulders slump as though she’s lost a fight. “I-I don’t think I could do that.”
I don’t say anything because I know where she’s at mentally. I was there too, once. I never wanted to be like Mike, so I never fought back. Never acted out in anger toward him. Fear also kept me from saying things I might regret because it would anger Mike, but that’s over now. And now I’ve found my voice.
Viv also found my voice. The dread of not knowing what she has in store for me starts to eek back into my head. I shove the thoughts away and look at Kendra. “Okay, well let’s just go inside and use the bathroom. Maybe moving around and getting a drink for the road will help.”
Kendra just nods her head and flips down the visor with the mirror. She quickly checks out her face, wiping the eyeliner smudge, and then tries to put her hair back into place. When she flips the visor back up and opens her door, I see her shoulders raise as she takes in another deep breath and gets out. When she closes the door, it looks like all of the fight and energy has left her body. I close my door and lock the car. As we make our way toward the door of the restaurant, I can’t help thinking that the tides have shifted. I may end up being the one in charge of this trip. I don’t know if Kendra is mentally okay enough to make it.