If it felt overwhelming to perceive so many people occupying the dining hall at once, it was nightmarish for Razlok to have them all focus on the deity with such intensity.
Again, they would adapt. Time would help them adjust.
They didn’t… didn’t know how they were supposed to behave.
They knew what people expected from a deity, and that was Auron. But Razlok wasn’t good at being the cleric, the counselor, the sage.
Even in the before-times, lifetimes ago, Razlok filled a necessary role of protector or craftsman or something like that.
Yet times had changed, the needs of the Guild were different, and in Auron’s absence they needed a leader, an actual Divine, not… not Razlok.
Fates, they had to say something. People were watching.
The barrier dissolved and they felt Gwenllian stepping forward to– help? Intervene? Itto was busy comforting Rose, who needed the attention in the wake of the conflict.
Razlok held up a hand to calm the Seat of Water, to still the crowd. Just like yesterday on the dais. Just like the statue of Dark Eyes. Some behaviors were embedded into the deity.
“Ye have plenty of questions, I know. I dinnae have all the answers.”
Razlok addressed the Guild directly, though they were sure their distress and discomfort was evident on their face.
Gwenllian was not deterred by the gesture meant to slow her progress. She approached Razlok’s side and laid a hand on their arm.
The action showed her support for the deity to the Guild, but that was a secondary thought to Gwenllian, who was attempting to reassure the rather nervous Razlok.
(The Dark had to admit, it did help significantly.)
“If you’re willing tae wait, Auron knows significantly more than I do.”
The implication here was that Razlok didn’t want to answer questions about how or why they were back. They had only a vague understanding of the entire thing; from what Itto implied, it sounded like Auron knew exactly what happened.
What else did they need to tell the Guild? What could they say to make their… their social needs know without confessing some weakness?
“Mhm, it’s… been a long time since… I’ve been here, and I’m worn out. Nae a full day passed, in this form.”
They might not be available or around, and it was nothing personal against the Guild. They wanted to go curl up in the guest room and avoid the whole affair until Auron returned, but that was not a sensible plan. What was a sensible plan? They should do that instead.
“I’ll… talk to the Seats first and finish eating. I promised to help with something before all this. Then I’ll be here.”
That bought them a little time to cool off, decompress. They could probably get their wits together over the next hour or so, if the Seats didn’t make things worse. They probably wouldn’t.
What else? What else needed to be publicly announced? Something good. Something to look forward to.
“Oh, uh, I’m remaking the shrine. It desperately needs to be changed.”
That was a thing Razlok was allowed to do, but was it too much of an intrusion on the way the Guild worked currently?
“The old one is still there, and I’ll make a separate entrance into it, for prosperity. No, not that. Propriety?” Razlok frowned, unable to get the right word. “For history and records and such.”
Okay, that should be all they needed to say.
They tilted their head toward Gwenllian, absentmindedly seeking out her approval to be finished. The deity’s gesture and the pondering must have clued the woman in, as she quietly suggested, “Introduction?”
“Right,” the deity said, a little embarrassed.
“Sorry, got ahead of meself. Name is Razlok. Yes, ye can talk to me. I dinnae usually do that to people.” They gestured vaguely at the door, at the axe embedded in it.
Someone in the crowd laughed, and it made Razlok feel better about the situation. They might be a weird and off-putting deity, but at least they were funny.
There was plenty that was left unspoken, but obvious. No human could shapeshift like that, turn into the Revenant at a whim.
Razlok was, indeed, the Dark Deity. Some combination of fear of rejection and distaste for titles led Razlok to avoid saying it outright, but the Guild understood. How could they not understand, after all that with Carter?
Gwenllian took control of the situation now, stepping a little ahead of Razlok to make some requests.
“Kian, could you take Razlok to the council room? I’ll handle things here. The rest of us will join you shortly.”
The crowd parted to let Kian roll through, and she began heading towards the hall without a word to Razlok. Oh, no. Was she mad?
Razlok knew at the beginning of all this, from those first moments on the dais, that they were going to make enemies with some of their choices, that they couldn’t win over everyone.
Was their deception too much for Kian? Maybe she was overwhelmed too. Maybe that was it, and Razlok was reading too far into things. After all, they couldn’t see her face. Maybe she was smiling.
It still unnerved the deity, and the feeling didn’t shift as the crowd moved aside to let them follow.
This was all so weird and new. It was hard to judge what the feelings were, what anyone thought.
There were whispers and Gwenllian was giving out instructions behind them, but Razlok couldn’t hear, couldn’t possibly know what anyone thought.
They caught someone in their perception who was vaguely familiar. Razlok paused, angling their head toward that part of the gathered crowd. Thinking. Contemplating. Deep thoughts.
“Uh, Hartley?” Razlok carefully identified the person of interest. She seemed to perk up and pay attention while curious gazes turned to look at the woman.
This was stupid, but…
The deity threw on a half-cocked grin. “Can ye tell Silver I’m sorry he missed all the fun?”
Hartley quickly covered her mouth with a hand, muffling a snorting giggle. When she regained control, she gave a little salute and answered in faux seriousness, “Yes, Captain.”
That resolved a bit of tension, or at least the few members around Hartley murmured or began to ask her questions as Razlok walked away.
They didn’t retrieve the boarding ax in the door, but simply touched its hilt as they passed through and it faded into that same dense black smoke.
Kian led the way wordlessly, which did nothing to help Razlok’s lingering anxiety. They didn’t want to talk in the hall, in public, but they would ask when they reached their destination.
The council room was small and almost cozy compared to the vast front hall or the crowded dining hall. They entered on one side, Kian wheeling towards a circular table with seven chairs and beginning to make a space for her to dock her wheelchair.
Seven spaces, one for each Seat, another for Auron himself.
The wall opposite to the door was framed by arched windows which undoubtedly let in sunlight and made their meetings much more cheerful (or so Razlok was told).
The two side-walls were composed of built-in bookshelves from floor to ceiling. They seemed to contain a lot of books, obviously, but scrolls and stacks of paper that were probably records.
The council table was large, built to accommodate seven people plus any paperwork they needed to reference. Each Seat had their own particulars within reach.
The busiest space was surrounded by books of some kind – ledgers? – next to three bottles of liquid, that would be ink of different colors maybe. A cord with beads on it, a ring nested within another ring? Several metal tipped pens, cloths to clean them. This had to be where Cas sat.
Kian busied herself at her seat, close to the window. She was watering a plant there with hanging vines. Was she ignoring Razlok or simply going about her business? It was hard to tell.
“Kian, I’m–”
The woman cut in. “Not yet, wait for the rest.”
Her tone was stern but Razlok could not decipher if she was upset or still processing the news. It showed how formidable Kian truly was if she was willing to push back against a deity’s words.
Auron wanted the Seats to be independent, strong-willed. It was better for everyone in the Guild that they didn’t simply bend to Auron’s whims.
Razlok respected her wishes and returned to silence.
They followed the wall from the door to the far bookshelf, taking a seat on the floor where the corner would close off their periphery.
They leaned against the stone wall with their legs stretched out in front of them, waiting impatiently for the others to arrive.
Could they calm down now? Or was this waiting simply going to make things worse?
Razlok closed their eyes and crossed their arms, thinking about Neous and the lost Carter, the Guild, the Seats, the sheer chaos of the last thirty or so minutes, this room that wasn’t built for them, didn’t have space for them, and it was missing Auron, who could smooth over these difficulties so, so easily…
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By the time the others started arriving, Razlok felt worse.
Cas was first to arrive, and xie brought a stack of small boxes on a tray with xir. They smelled of food. Bento.
Someone was smart.
Razlok had no idea if the Seats had time to eat, but they knew they’d been very much prevented from eating their own lunch by the conflict.
Cas set a box at every spot at the table, looking around in confusion for the last ‘member’ of the council. Razlok could see xir actions very clearly – Cas’ magic was almost solely located in xir head, close to xir eyes.
The scholar spotted Razlok and brought over the box, handing it to them politely.
Razlok thanked xir with a nod of their head, hopeful that food would make this feeling of dread subside. It was all finger food, easy to munch on without silverware, and easy to talk around.
The silence was broken up by the sounds of Cas’ pen, as xie wrote in a notebook fervently until the next few people arrived.
Conversation with Kian went nowhere, so the Seat of Wind chose to document the events of the day, it seemed.
Elias was next, holding open the door for Itto… and Rose? Her presence was a surprise to Razlok, who took note of the trio’s interactions.
Elias didn’t say much. He was a naturally quiet person, leaning into nonverbal at times; the man was partially deaf and used magic to augment his hearing.
He found his spot at the table, flinching slightly when he realized Razlok was lurking in the corner.
Itto guided Rose to a chair.
Razlok would bet it was Itto’s chair, not the one previously occupied by Neous. This suspicion was confirmed when Itto unceremoniously moved the clutter from another spot to side table under the window.
The Seat of Metal snuck over to speak to Razlok, a quick interchange of words.
“Are you okay?” Itto was very sweet.
“I’ll make it.”
Razlok paused and added on a much quieter note, slipping into Hokuyamakai language to converse only with Itto.
The man grunted out a confirmation, leaning in to pat Razlok’s shoulder amicably before he went to pick at his own lunch and monitor Rose.
Rose. The woman was not some tender flower that needed to be delicately maintained as her namesake suggested, but she had been through a horrible experience under Carter’s rule. Itto and Elias were her best friends, confidantes, and lovers. She trusted them more than anyone else.
The deity was glad she was here. Did the pair bring her so that she didn’t have to be alone? Or did they know what Razlok knew? Time would tell.
Finally, Gwenllian.
She was taking on Auron’s role of management while the Light was absent, and she was doing a pretty good job of it, actually. Rose was closest to the door so Gwenllian checked on her with a brief touch before assessing the room.
“Where are they?” She asked with concern, seeing the empty chairs.
“Here,” the deity said from their corner of sulking and insecurity.
Gwenllian paused, trying to find answers where there were none. “Do… you want to join us?”
“I prefer the corner.” Razlok nearly left it there, but realized how petulant the refusal truly sounded. They sighed and explained further.
“It’s nae personal. Am blind, cannae see any paperwork, willnae write, having ‘sight’ of yer faces does nothing for me. I can perceive auras and magic, but its nae linear. I can sense everything as clear here as I would there.”
Cas made an intrigued sound; Razlok could hear xir pen scratching against paper, taking notes.
As Gwenllian took her seat, the real show began. It seemed Kian decided it was time to address her frustration with the situation.
“I wanna know what Neous said. The real words,” the woman stated bluntly to the room.
“What?” Razlok didn’t think before questioning the statement aloud. “That’s what yer on about?”
Kian felt tense, in her words and in the way she held herself.
This was why they preferred to have Auron present. Body language was not enough to be able to read intent and meaning in a person, not without facial expressions.
Gwenllian spoke cautiously. “We heard the bulk of the argument, Kian. Was there something specific you wanted explained?”
Itto chimed in: “She means yesterday.”
The Seat of Earth pressed a finger into the table, explaining things to the rest of the Seats as if she needed them to understand exactly how dire this question was.
“Yesterday, Razlok punched Neous. Why? I dunno, but I’m not remotely comfortable with a Dark God who would haul off and hit someone for simple insult or disrespect. Slur, yeah, but they’re a god. It’s not like their divinity was under attack, especially if they were lying anyways. If it’s a question of masculinity, though…”
Razlok let out a sharp bark of laughter. Several of the Seats moved as if startled. They were overly masculine, somehow? Hilarious.
“Sorry, it’s nae masculinity at fault. That’s– No. You’re right, though, I’m nae particularly affected by insults. I–”
A noise of contemplation broke up their words.
“Itto caught me in a lie at dinner and discovered the truth, we were walking back in when Neous interfered. He did say faggot and implied I’m a whore which… I cannae defend myself from the truth.”
Oversharing is overcaring.
“But Neous nicknamed Itto ‘the Criminal’ and insinuated that he trades political power fae sexual favors. Thought that crossed a line.”
Elias finally spoke, but it was simply a muttered “asshole” at the now absent Neous.
Razlok could tell Rose was upset by her closed-off posture but at the mention of insults towards Itto, she straightened up a bit.
Ah, the drive to defend your friends and loved ones often outweighed the need to defend yourself.
“Is that a sufficient answer, Kian?”
Gwenllian sought to manage even this conversation, to keep potential tempers in check. It was probably a lot easier without Neous present to be fair.
The younger woman seemed to agree, but she didn’t answer aloud.
Another silence fell upon the room, while Cas’ pen still whispered on the paper.
Razlok had the feeling that xie was instructed to write down more extensive, unrelated questions and ask them after council sessions. That seemed like a thing Auron would enforce.
There were plenty of questions to ask, plenty of answers to be given, but no one knew where to start.
“What happens now with Fire?”
It was Rose, pulling herself out of her misery to think about the Guild, about the community as a whole.
“Auron finds a new Seat,” Gwenllian answered automatically.
“No need,” came Razlok’s patient correction. “Ye already have the correct candidate here.”
Elias guessed it first: “… Rose?”
The woman went still, either mortified or embarrassed in her confusion, no doubt. “Me?”
Razlok smiled softly, still leaning against the wall and resting. They carefully laid out their thoughts for the Seats to assess.
“The lot of ye know Auron well, but I know him better. I checked the math with Itto yesterday – he didnae realize, so no faulting him – do ye think it was a coincidence that the year Carter began misbehaving was the year Rose joined the Guild?”
Razlok didn’t give the rest of the information, allowing the Seats to make their own assumptions.
That they knew, somehow, that Auron never chose the Dark Seats personally. That Auron followed the random happenstances incited by the Dark’s nudges from the In-Between, leading Auron to the correct people across time and space.
Perhaps Razlok couldn’t tell them how they made it work, but Razlok knew deep down that Rose had been their choice just as much as Itto or Elias were.
They gently continued: “Take yer time to make the decision, been an awful day. Wait ‘til after Auron returns. Talk to him about it. Then find me with the answer.”
Rose swore in her own tongue under her breath, but she gave a verbal agreement shortly after.
“That settles that question,” Cas noted with cheerful satisfaction.
(Xie checked off a note with the question about replacing the Fire Seat, scribbling down Rosalinda Casales as the answer.)
This wasn’t going terribly, Razlok thought. It could have been infinitely worse. At least Kian wasn’t angry at the Dark Deity, not in a way that lingered.
“I have a question,” Elias hazarded. “I don’t know if… I’m allowed to ask it. You said Auron would have the answers.”
“Mhm,” Razlok hummed indifferently, tilting their head toward the voices. “Dinnae want every soul in the Guild asking me the same thing. This is different, with the Seats.”
“Where were you?”
Ah, this was the question everyone wanted to know, the question that was asked for the last five-hundred and forty-three years. Razlok truly didn’t know the specifics, but they could reveal what they understood to be true.
The room was dead quiet now, everyone waiting to hear what Razlok had to say.
“Ye understand we have two separate existences. One human, flesh and blood –” Razlok pulled at their shirtfront to indicate this present body. “– and one Divine that exists beyond even our comprehension.”
Cas answered this time, thrilled to be discussing the philosophical nature of divinity.
“Yes, the overarching concept of the Divine Light and Dark that permeates the entire universe, and the Incarnations of Humanity, which exists as we do.”
“Correct. But, when the human part dies, we dinnae return to the Divine state.”
They could hear Cas begin furiously writing. This was new information, then. It made sense, as no one seemed to understand Auron’s absence after his death.
“Auron calls it the In-Between. Neither Divine nor Human. It’s hard tae explain, it would be like if the world was a living map on the table there, and In-Between was ye looking at it, unable to interact or touch. Observing passively.”
“I dinnae have memory in my domain, Auron may remember the In-Between, so it’s as if I blinked and the world changed. That’s where I was.”
There was a long silence as the Seats wrapped their minds around the concepts. It was all very complicated, but it was a fact of both Auron and Razlok’s life, something not meant to be truly relevant to the humans around them.
“You said you were in exile,” Itto prodded at the facts, carefully.
“I was in timeout,” the deity answered, a touch bitter at the sheer mention. “Truly I cannae explain the mechanics, but the short and long of it is that we tried tae push Auron’s time magic past the safe stopping point, and I paid the price for our hubris.”
The Seat of Water connected the dots now, drawing her own conclusion. “And Auron’s passing brought you back?”
“Aye, I’ve no clue how.”
The subject was making Razlok feel a bit short-tempered, though the deity tried to breathe and put a stop to any snappy remarks. It wasn’t the Seats fault that Razlok didn’t know.
“You didn’t have the answers.” Kian sounded confused and a little irritated too. Perhaps not directly at Razlok but at the entire situation. “So, you left and hid from us.”
“Kian,” Gwenllian whispered.
Razlok was careful with their words, picking out phrases that were neutral. “I know yesterday was traumatic for the lot of ye. It was a hard day for everyone.”
“No, I want answers, Gwen.” Kian’s frustration was evident.
She was willing to press past carefully constructed boundaries to find what she wanted. “They’re a deity, they owe us answers. They could have eased the burden and spoken up, announced themselves somehow.”
That was true. They could have done anything other than run, and Razlok was truly ashamed of it. They were supposed to be a deity, someone who the humans could look up to, and they’d abandoned the Seats at literally the first indication of conflict.
After a long silence: “I know ye want Auron back, but I’m no Auron.”
Razlok pulled their knees up, leaning on their elbows as the conversation pushed past their comfort level.
“Five-hundred and forty-three years. Humanity’s only concept ae divinity during that time has been Auron, who is far from perfect, but he is reliably human in a way that is easy tae accept.”
Their voice drifted from factual to wistful.
“His passions make him approachable; his weaknesses make him seem more real, someone who knows about sickness and suffering, who can bring Light and Life to the world. I understand that.”
And he was gone now.
Everything would be so much better if Razlok could simply feel Auron’s presence in the building, in the world.
Was this how Auron felt for all those years? Like something fundamental was missing? Like his heart was absent from his chest?
“I’m nae him. I cannae be expected to –”
Fuck. Razlok was losing their grip on their emotions, and it would simply spiral from here. They couldn’t stop it, not without running away again. Hot tears welled in their eyes as Razlok pressed on, trying to explain their actions.
“I’m sorry the speech became chaos. It follows me wherever I go. But I didnae plan to –”
No, that sentence was going nowhere.
What did Razlok want to say, what actually needed to be said? The answer wasn’t soft or easy, but the kind of harsh, painful reality that was regrettably human.
“I was gone for so long. First thing I perceive when I’m back is the corpse of Auron, who I havenae so much as spoken to in centuries. Can ye understand how frustrating it is tae barely miss him? If I could have returned seconds prior, he’d still be alive.”
Razlok was incapable of seeing the obvious reality in their frustration– that the Light’s death caused the Dark’s return. There could be no overlap.
“What did ye want me tae say? I didnae have a name. The only thing in this world that remained the same in my absence was Auron, and he was dead. No answers. I’m nae the deity of knowledge. I only know what I need to survive in today’s world, and that’s it. Everything else is guesswork and what I can glean from prayers at the Dark Shrine.”
This was shameful and embarrassing, but Razlok was incapable of anything but this mental breakdown.
“Lying was cowardly, so was hiding. But I thought if I could keep my head down, maybe I could avoid all ae this until Auron came back with answers.”
Razlok did not want to be crying. They did not want to be this vulnerable and hurt, nerves exposed. They did not want the Seats to be witness to this sheer frustration. But they didn’t have a choice.
“I dinnae understand how Auron survived for so long. We aren’t like humans. We were created to be inseparable. I already feel unhinged, and it’s only been a day.”
They couldn’t survive this for much longer. They wouldn’t last. How did Auron do it? Was he suffering for centuries? Was he as lonely as Razlok felt?
The room was painfully quiet now, like it was earlier with Neous, like yesterday on the dais.
Fuck, they’d ruined it again. Razlok would be lucky if the Seats wanted them to stick around after all this. It would be easier for everyone if they just left, stopped causing so much mayhem and drama for the Guild.
“I’ll be fine,” Razlok lied again, pressing their head back against the stone wall.