By the time I stumbled into our personal space my feet were killing me from being formed into those stupid high-heeled torture devices. I found myself wondering if the AI had given Carl the lingerie-and-heels 'prize' specifically in order to get me into the shoes—when Donut picked the trap prize the AI would have known that I wasn't going to be picking up my own luggage, so had it quickly swapped the contents of Carl's luggage to be what it would otherwise have given me?

Regardless of why it had happened, the practical outcome was that there were shooting pains that started in my toes and went all the way up to my lower back. I'd turned an ankle twice and needed to use my Heal spell before I could walk again. Fortunately, the train had another dwarf conductor who was grumpier than the now-deceased Vernon but equally susceptible to Donut's ridiculous Charisma stat. I sat with him and rested my feet while getting information on the yellow-line stations that I hadn't had time to get from Vernon, including the good news that we could meet the gold line at station 409, much to Hekla's delight. Meanwhile, Donut, Carl, and Mongo rampaged up the train killing everything that moved.

When they got back Mongo had leveled up to 15 and reached full size. He was both terrifying and beautiful: Four meters long, he came up to Carl's shoulder, his viciously-curved talons were longer than my fingers, and his heavy beak was full of razor sharp teeth. He also had soft plumage in a rippling wave of blues and greens with red primaries.

"Isn't he handsome?" Donut gushed. "Who's a handsome boy? You are, Mongo! Yes you are! Mommy is so proud of you!"

Mongo jumped up and down, squawking in delight while flapping his wings and lashing his tail. He knocked half a dozen bottles of booze off the shelf and showered a bowl of peanuts over me.

Suddenly, the whole train shook, so hard that I was knocked off my barstool and sprawled to the ground in an inelegant muddle. I landed wrong on the stupid damn shoes and cried out in pain as I wrenched my ankle. I forced myself to breathe evenly and used my Heal spell.

"Was that Mongo?" Carl asked in concern. It was true that Mongo had landed from his latest overly-excited hop just as the tremor hit.

Donut's eyes glowed for a moment as she checked Mongo's details in her interface. "Ooh, ooh! Carl, look look look! Mongo got a new attack! It's called 'Earthquake'. Every time he jump-attacks there's a small chance he'll cause an earthquake that will knock the bad guys over." She glanced over at me. "Katia, I guess you count as a bad guy."

I glared at her and pulled myself to my stupid-shoe-clad feet, leaning all my weight on the stool until I could get settled.

"Christ, I hope we never have to fight any of his kind," Carl muttered.

I nodded in full agreement.

o-o-o-o

"Good gods, what happened to you?" Mordecai demanded the moment he saw me in my shiny black catsuit, purple mohawk, and heels.

I collapsed onto the couch with a wince and rubbed at my screaming arches. "Donut happened."

He looked from me to the cat and back. "Excuse me?"

"Zev said she wanted Katia to be more vibrant," said Carl. "Donut went overboard. Katia put her foot do—I mean, Katia refused to wear the heels but the AI promised her a loot box if she did it."

Mordecai digested that for a moment. "It's a little worrying that the AI is getting in the middle of personal conversations. Hazards of having top-10 crawlers on the team, I guess." He looked over at me. "Also, the AI likes to mess with people. It's like how Donut used to complain about getting torches in her Bronze boxes, so for a while she was getting almost nothing but torches. Probably if you hadn't been emphatic about it then the AI wouldn't have gotten involved."

I was focused on rubbing out my toes but I glanced up. "It might have something to do with that foot fetish thing too," I said, acid dripping from my words.

He snorted. "Yeah, it might. Anyway, I've got some good news for all of you: First off, I made some potions and gear that will be useful. Let me get them."

He was back a moment later from the crafting room, a mesh bag full of avocados over his shoulder and a cardboard cup carrier held tightly in both hands. The carrier had obviously come from the saferoom that our personal space was currently attached to, since it had a big red Arby's logo on it. Grulke normally moved in a series of short hops that covered ground quickly. That wasn't a 'carrying potions'-friendly style of locomotion, so Mordecai was staring fixedly at the carrier and shuffling along very slowly and awkwardly.

"Here," he said, setting the drink carrier down and slinging the mesh avocado bag off his shoulder so that it slid across the table to Carl.

Carl stopped the bag with one hand and looked at it, then looked up questioningly.

Now that they were near enough I realized that they weren't actually avocados, they were warty green spheres that the system identified as Fragmenting Potion Ball.

"You put a potion in one of those and throw it from your xistera," Mordecai explained. "The potion will affect whatever you hit with it. Poison works great, explosive potions, fire water, that kind of thing. Right now the table is only level three—"

"I said he could use my upgrade coupons," Donut said helpfully. "Although he never said thank you."

"Yes, thank you, Donut," Mordecai said. "Anyway, the table is only level three right now. Once we upgrade it to five, I'll have two heating elements and I can make these twice as fast. At six I'll have a full autoclave, and I can make simple things like this a hundred at a time. Once we get the table up to seven I'll be able to make some truly devastating attack potions. I have an idea for a chain lightning potion that is going to be a thing of beauty."

"Cool," Carl said, fishing one of the balls out and turning it back and forth. He squeezed it and the sides stretched open. "So potions can affect you without you drinking them?"

"Usually, and it depends on the kind of potion. That invisibility potion you got will work, plus most attack potions. Healing potions won't work on crawlers but they would probably work on Mongo."

"Excuse me," I said. "What's a xistera?"

Carl extended his hand and curled it. The bracer on his arm expanded, shooting up and changing form into a right-angled scoop with a deep pocket.

"Those Earth hobby potions they gave out during class selection?" he said. "I got something called 'Cesta Punta'. Took me a lot of asking around to figure out that it's another name for jai alai. I can put heavy stuff in this and fling it really far. Makes a good ranged weapon."

"Except he's suuuper slow with it," Donut said. "And his aim isn't that great so he usually just misses."

"I'm working on it," Carl said defensively. "It just needs practice. It took you a while to be able to catch the mouse."

"The what now?" I asked, sensing a story coming on.

"Me and Bea—she's my ex, she used to own Donut—"

"Excuse me," Donut said haughtily, "I was never owned. I'm not a toaster, Carl. Cats do not have owners, we have staff. Or sometimes minions."

"Keep telling yourself that. Anyway, we got Donut this cat toy for her birthday, because apparently that's a thing that people do for their cats. It was a scratching post that had a little stick anchored at the top. It jutted out to the side and there was a stuffed mouse hanging from it. The trick was that it had a motion sensor, so if Donut jumped at the mouse the stick would spin around, pulling the mouse in a circle."

Donut sniffed in disgust. "A foul contraption."

"Anyway, the first time she saw it she batted at the mouse and it moved away. She freaked out and hid under the couch for two hours."

"Lies! Lies and calumny!"

"Eventually she took another stab at it," Carl said, grinning. "This time she tries to pounce on it. It spins away from her and she sits there looking shocked...but she doesn't move out of the sensor field so it kept spinning around and bonked her in the back of the head. She whirls around and bats at it, but it's already gone over her so she misses. Before she can figure out what's happening it comes around and bonks her again, this time in the face."

"Carl!"

"We didn't see her until the next day."

"It was alarming! And besides, that's not true. He's lying, Katia. Don't listen to him."

By this point I was laughing outright. I couldn't help it. Donut's mushed-in Persian-cat face was so adorable when she got outraged.

"Okay, that's enough," Mordecai said, also chuckling. "Let's get back to business. Carl, put your toy away. Now, the potions." He tapped on the two blue ones. "I didn't have enough ingredients to make more than two of these. I'm going to make four more so you each have two."

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

I held out my hand inquiringly and Carl, who had finished reviewing the potion for himself, slid it over to me.

Mordecai's Special Brew

A potion designed by a shifty Changeling who has a tendency to kill those who count on him the most, this special potion combines the effects of a Gold Standard Healing Potion and the Troll's Second Wind to create a de facto immortality for a period of thirty seconds. It has a few unfortunate side effects.

I turned to Mordecai in alarm. He saw my expression and held up a webbed hand to stop me.

"It's named for me because I'm the one who invented it, back when I was a crawler," he said. "As to the description, it's complicated and the AI likes to twist things around."

"He's right," Carl said. "I made a Molotov cocktail back on the first floor. Apparently I was the first one to ever combine those exact ingredients in that exact way, because they named it for me. Now I get a coin every time someone makes one, which hasn't happened since the first floor. The description went beyond 'not flattering' and into 'I could sue if this were still Earth.'"

"It is still Earth," Mordecai said, grinning. "You're just underground."

Carl's lips compressed. "You know what I mean."

Mordecai waved in silent apology for the bad joke. "Anyway, here's the thing: These potions don't make you invulnerable but they heal you to full and they keep healing you for thirty seconds, so any injury that doesn't kill you instantly is going to vanish immediately. The bad guys could drop a truck on you and as long as it didn't land on your head you'd be fine. There's two problems: First, it puts your potion cooldown to about ten hours. That means no health potions or mana potions or whatever for ten hours. Second and perhaps more importantly, you can only use two of these ever. They don't work after that and they'll make you sick."

"Those are some pretty big disadvantages," Carl noted.

"Yeah, well, if I ever get an alchemy table over level ten then maybe I can fix it. I've never managed that so I don't know for sure. That brings us to the second set of potions. Donut, these are for you and you should take them now. They're stat potions."

Donut allowed me to pick up one of her bubbly orange potions so I could see the description. Meanwhile she pulled the other one into her inventory and took it, causing her to emit a puff of light.

"Only one point?!" she griped. "Mordecai, you did it wrong."

I looked at the potion's properties to see what she was talking about.

Superb Constitution Buff Potion

Drinking this mixture will permanently increase your Constitution by a random number between one and four. You may only drink two of these during your time in the dungeon. Why? Because drinking more would be cheating. And if anyone is going to cheat, it's going to be me.

I handed the potion to Carl so that he could see it as well. "What's it mean that it's a Superb potion? Are there other types?"

"Yeah, but that's not important right now," Mordecai said, reclaiming the potion and passing it back to Donut as though we were playing a weird game of hot potato. "The important thing is don't take any potion labeled stat buff unless it's Superb because the AI doesn't differentiate between the types when it comes to that two-potion limit and the others aren't as good. For now, these are for Donut." He looked over at me. "The Legendary Pet Biscuit that made her smart means that she can't put points into Constitution. She gets four points per level instead of the three you get, but hers are always one to Strength and Intelligence, two to Charisma. It means she's too squishy. She's got a skill called Cockroach that will save her from the first lethal hit of a fight, but it leaves her at 5% health and we'd really prefer that she not need it."

"Not a problem," I said. "I get it. She needs it more, and she's your client."

"Yeah, but it's mostly the squishy thing. Anyway, I need more ingredients before I can make more of these things but I'll eventually make two of each stat for each of you guys. The Desperado Club should be able to supply everything I'll need, although we'll probably need to special-order some of it."

Donut glowered. "Mordecai, you best check your recipe next time. I only got one point!"

"It's a bad roll, Donut," he said patiently. "The next one will be better. Anyway, I made a list of what I'll need." He pulled a slip of paper out of his pocket and laid it on the table for us to see. "We'll head over to the Desperado later and I'll put the order in with Quint or whoever is working."

"Ooh, ooh!" Donut said, her eyes going wide. She hopped up and down with her front paws. "That's right! We're going to the Desperado Club tonight! We'll go dancing! Katia, do you dance?"

"I don't have a pass, Donut."

"Oh. Well, then I guess you won't dance with us."

"I'll pick this stuff up," Carl said, steamrolling over Donut before she could say something even more insensitive. "What are you making?"

"Not important right now. What is important is that I've been working on the map for the floor and I've figured some things out. I think I know how to get to the stairwells—if I'm right then this level works a lot like some levels I've seen in past crawls. Anyway, open your boxes so that Donut can actually concentrate and then we'll go over it. Katia, why don't you start? I can't wait to see what this foot thing is."

"Right." I clicked 'Open Loot Boxes' and flinched at the sudden blaring tan-tan-ta-raaaa and sparkles of confetti going off in my face.

Silver Slutty Shoes Box (1/1)

The box contained two thumb-sized bottles and a pair of 'sandals' that were nothing but a tangle of red satin cords and ribbon attached to a pair of crimson soles with a ten-centimeter stiletto heel.

Bottomless Toenail Polish and Toenail Polish Remover

Cocksucker red and never runs out. Keep those tootsies nice and pretty for Daddy! (Use the remover when you botch it up and need to start over, or when it gets chipped.)

My skin crawled and I suddenly wanted a shower.

Slutty Shoes

See that nick on the heel? That's from the ceiling fan. Are these shoes objectifying, fetishizing, and demeaning? Absolutely! They also make your legs look long, your ass look terrific, and put a wiggle in your walk. Wear these and you'll quickly have trillions of pimple-faced teenage boys beating off to your feed every hour of every day, even after you die.

* +4 Charisma

* +2 Dexterity

* +2 Intelligence

* +(3 x Character Level)% running speed

* Does not disqualify you from using skills that would otherwise require you to be barefoot.

* The 'Surefooted' benefit. While wearing these shoes your balance is perfect, enabling you to remain upright no matter how badly the ground is shaking or how bad the terrain. Will not prevent you from knockdown via enemy attacks or overextending your own, but you can move across gravel, grass, etc and not need to worry about stumbling or twisting an ankle. You'll even be fine running across gratings or nets provided they are strong enough to support you.

* The 'Ooh, nummy!' benefit. Despite their appearance, these are the most comfortable shoes you have ever worn. There, now you've got nothing to complain about, you big crybaby.

* Changes to be whatever color you like as long as it's a color that I like, which means black or fuck-me red.

* Warning: Causes hostility with non-crawler feminists, members of matriarchal societies, and others. Mobs of these types will deal 20% more damage to you.

* Warning: The stat bonuses and benefits of these shoes are only active if your toenails are visible and cleanly painted with the provided nail polish, with no chipping or sloppiness.

* Warning: These shoes cannot be absorbed into your mass or redistributed as can other equipment.

* Warning: Unequipping these shoes for more than 30 seconds deactivates their bonuses and benefits (obviously) and also imposes the following debuffs. Debuffs remain in effect until the shoes are reequipped:

* -5 Dexterity

* -5 Charisma

* The 'Stumblefooted' debuff

* Constant foot and joint pain equivalent to walking on concrete in stiletto heels for two hours.

I read the description with dismay. The buffs were good, especially the running speed buff that would work well with my Speed is Life constitution-boosting ability. On the other hand, if I put them on then I could never take them off again. I wouldn't be able to use any better footgear I might find in the future...unless, of course, it was even more objectifying.

I passed the shoes over to Mordecai so he could examine them. "Obviously the debuffs are so that I don't stop showing off for the AI, but what's with the 30-second grace period?"

He examined them. "Dunno. Maybe so you can toss them in your inventory long enough to wiggle through a tight space? Oh, and so that you can wash your feet in the shower. Don't worry, dungeon gear is indestructible and self-cleaning so you can wear them into the shower or go swimming with them and not have to worry about the water damaging them." He studied the shoes for another moment, then handed them back. "That's a very good prize for a Silver box. I think the only reason it's that good is because of the sharp downsides, so expect those to be enforced. Engulfing the shoes or wearing a floor-length gown so that they aren't visible will probably count as unequipping them."

I sighed and slipped them on. No sooner had I set my feet on the soles than the cords and ribbons whipped around, the cords lacing the sandals tightly to my feet while the ribbons crisscrossed up my calves and tied themselves in neat bows. The AI was right about one thing; against all odds, they were ridiculously comfortable. They provided perfect support and the surface rippled against my feet so that I felt like I was getting a continual massage with exactly the right amount of pressure and placement.

"I am not happy about this," I muttered. Donut laughed.

"Ooh, ooh, my turn!" the cat said, bouncing around. "I have a fan box!"

She opened her box and gasped in pleasure. "Oh my god, thank you! Thank you everybody! I love you all so much!" She looked up at the ceiling and made 'throwing kisses' gestures with her front paws.

"Look, Mongo!" Donut said. "Our fans got us a saddle! I can ride you now! It matches your feathers! Carl, put it on Mongo!"

Carl looked doubtfully at the blue and red, tassel-covered, obscenely garish saddle that was now sitting on our beat-up coffee table. Mongo sniffed at it and growled.

"Actually," Mordecai said. "That's a really good prize. But you're gonna need to get Mongo on board. I've never seen anybody ride one of his kind."

Enchanted Mongoliensis Saddle. Adjusted to fit Cat species.

Magically affixes itself to the dreaded Mongoliensis, turning everyone's favorite murder chicken into a mount. Riders in the saddle are afforded the following bonuses:

* +15% to all offensive spell damage

* Anti-Piercing Resistance

In addition, the saddle gives the following bonus to the attached Mongoliensis:

* +20% Constitution

* +20% melee damage while saddle is occupied

"So Donut gets bonus damage to her spells, and Mongo gets 20% more Constitution?" Carl said. "And 20% more damage as long as Donut's butt is in that thing? I like the Constitution buff, but I don't like the idea of Donut sitting on his back while he's fighting. She'll be too vulnerable."

"Agreed," Mordecai said. He looked at Donut. "You're going to want to open with a couple shots from the saddle when the fight starts, then jump down when Mongo charges. That bonus to your damage is great, but only while you're on the back line, and we'll want Mongo up front killing things."

"Yeah, yeah. Put it on him, Carl!"

There were no straps on the saddle. In fact, it looked as if it was missing most of the required saddle parts. It was just a seat and a pommel. And a bunch of tassels. There were no reins. I had no idea how Donut was going to stay on or how she was going to control the dinosaur once she was on.

"Come here, Mongo," Carl said, picking up the saddle. The feathered dinosaur cocked his head to the side and then grunted, backing away. Carl tossed him a curly fry and Mongo snapped it out of the air. "Come here, you bastard."

"Don't be mean, Carl. Mongo, listen to Uncle Carl," Donut said.

Mongo lowered his head and let Carl approach. Carl placed the saddle onto Mongo's ridged, feathered back, and it clicked in place. It was the same sound as when we placed the rooms of the personal space. Mongo howled with displeasure and started bouncing around the room, trying to dislodge it. Carl had to jump back so he wasn't whipped in the face with Mongo's tail.

"Uh, maybe you should wait until he gets used to it before trying to ride him," Carl said.