At the top of the short flight of stairs was a small, circular room. Two additional stairwells led down, one to the yellow line and the other to the Nightmare Express. Doors led to an unnamed inn that was also a saferoom, three shops, a building labeled "Mace and Bashing Weapons Guild", and a small general store called "Limp Richard's Sundries." Limp Richard (I assumed) was sitting in the doorway of the general store reading a book. He looked up as we arrived and closed the book, marking his place with one stubby finger. He was a short, grey-furred humanoid with squinty eyes and a long nose on which balanced a pair of thin-rimmed glasses.
Limp Richard — Mole Man. Level 36.
Warning: This is a Non-Combatant NPC.
Mole men and mole women actually just call themselves "Men" and "Women," and quite frankly, it's exhausting. These losers spend most of their days and nights reading. What a bunch of nerds.
"Welcome to station 83," Limp Richard said, putting his book down. "I have supplies for the weary travelers."
"We are weary. We'll be by later after we sleep," Carl said, walking past him and into the inn.
"Suit yourself," he said, settling back into his spot.
"Hey, have you seen any other crawlers yet?" I asked.
"You're the first," he said.
I nodded in thanks and followed Carl.
To my delight, the inn was like the saferooms from the first two floors: A fast-food restaurant run by a Bopca Protector. This one's name was Wendita.
The moment we entered the saferoom there was a soft poit and Mordecai appeared.
"Holy shit," Carl said, laughing.
I smiled but my amusement was balanced by a bit of regret. Instead of the stunningly handsome Incubus that he'd been on the previous floor, Mordecai was now a mud-colored, warty, slimy toad-looking creature with hanging jowls and a throat pouch.
Mordecai — Grulke Infantry. Level 50.
Manager of Crawler Princess Donut
Warning: This is a Non-Combatant NPC.
The rare Grulke were a militaristic race of toad warriors. Able to leap great distances and inflict devastating attacks with their tongues, it was said an army of Grulke could stand against any foe. Unfortunately, political intrigue and infighting has turned these once-proud people into a race of mostly mercenaries and vagrants. They are hunted ruthlessly by the tunnel trolls, who like to capture and lick them. Not because they impart any sort of hallucinogenic effect. It's just that tunnel trolls are weird-ass fuckers.
"A frog, huh?" Carl said, grinning.
Mordecai grunted. "Don't ever call a real Grulke a frog if you meet one. They're mean bastards. They're toads."
"I need to tell you what happened with that last quest."
"Oh, I already know all about it. As a manager, I no longer get the daily updates or a newsletter, but I do receive notifications of court decisions adversely affecting my client. You guys got screwed, but at least you're alive."
While Carl and Mordecai were talking I had been staring at the screens above the counter. Carl came over and stood beside me, both of us staring silently at the number blaring from the bottom of the third screen.
Surviving Crawlers: 589,441
"Shit," Carl said softly, the word a prayer for the universe to be a lie.
"Yeah," I said, watching as the number suddenly ticked down to 589,439. "Thirteen million people came in. Thirteen million."
Mordecai appeared at my elbow. "I'm sorry," he said, the words gentle. "It's not usually this bad."
Carl rounded on him. "That's supposed to help?!"
"Of course not." Mordecai looked back at him calmly, a sudden sense of gravity around him that spoke of long, long years spent watching entire species die. "It doesn't help at all, Carl. Nothing helps. All you can do is keep going forward."
"Don't let them break you," Carl murmured to himself. "Yeah."
"Why is it so bad this season?" I asked.
Mordecai looked up at the number. "Usually the showrunners aim to have six or seven hundred thousand people make it to the fourth floor, but they were running quests like yours all over the third floor and most of them ended with giant explosions. The casualties were huge."
The screen was getting blurry, shimmering back and forth in front of me. I turned away from Carl and Mordecai to swipe a sleeve across my eyes. It wouldn't do for them to see me being emotional. I tried to pretend I was simply looking at the other two screens, but I wasn't sure how convincing my performance was.
Leaderboard will populate at the end of the next recap episode.
The middle screen made my heart sink even further than the crawler counter had, and that made me feel even worse because of the guilt.
Welcome to the Safe Room. You are on the Fourth Level.
Rental Rooms currently available: 10
Rental Room price: 180 gold.
Personal locations available for purchase. See proprietor for details.
Food is available at this location.
I had fifty-six gold in my inventory. What kind of person was I that I felt worse about knowing that I couldn't afford to rent a bed for the night than I felt about knowing that most of my species was being extinguished as I watched?
No. No, I was not going to let this get to me. It was normal. The crawler counter numbers were simply too big, too abstract. The issue of housing was immediate, something that my brain could get its arms around. I wasn't bad for having my emotions.
"Donut, go negotiate for a personal space, just like we discussed. Carl, Katia, open your boxes," Mordecai said, the words surprisingly gentle. "We'll see how things look afterwards."
I nodded, but it took me another moment to pry my eyes off the rental prices. Once I did, I found a seat that put my back to the screens and pressed 'Open Loot Boxes' in my interface.
New Achievement! Coattails Coaster!
You went up at least two levels at once entirely based on someone else's work with no real contribution on your part. Nice job! Some people sleep their way to the top, and some people don't even do that much.
Reward: A Silver Coattails Box
New Achievement! The early bird gets to squirm!
You went down a set of stairs more than six hours prior to the level's collapse.
Reward: Doing this is kind of like leaving a party much too early. It makes you look like a dick. No reward for you.
New Achievement: Because I Fucking Feel Like It, That's Why!
This is one of the rare achievements that you can earn more than once.
Something has pissed me off right good and you are involved! Fortunately, in this case I'm not mad at you and giving you something nice works against the people I'm actually mad at...which, let's be honest, is definitely going to be the fish. (Yes, I'm writing this text before the crawl starts. I have a feeling I'll need it.) Anyway, whatever. Here, have a shiny.
Reward: A Silver Working Out My Feelings Box
New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman!
You got fucked by a fish. You've done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned.
Reward: You've received a Platinum It's Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don't Properly Program Your Quests Box.
I laughed at the name.
The boxes shimmered into existence. The Coattails box trotted up to me like an excited puppy and flipped its top open with a tinny fanfare. Inside were 1,000 gold coins and a potion.
Cheat Code Potion
Warning: This item has a short shelf life.
This item will expire thirty minutes after it was generated. In other words, this isn't something you can hoard. Don't be a wuss. Drink it now.
Causes one, recently-used combat or magic-themed skill to increase by three. Choice is random and permanent. Honestly, it's more than you really deserve, but after that last floor I'm saying fuck the fish.
The AI was mad at Borant and I was caught in the middle. How truly good. With a sigh, I pulled the potion onto my hot list and clicked it.
You have received +3 to your Rush skill!
Rush? I used that once, on the last floor, by accident. Well, whatever.
The Coattails box sublimated away and the Working Out My Feelings one scurried up and flipped its top open.
Transforming Shield Bracer
Don't get your hopes up; it turns into a shield, not a car. Put it on your arm. Flick your arm like you're shaking off a booger. Behold, shield! Comes with a Shatter enchantment and +1 to the Shield Bash skill.
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I slipped the bracer over my forearm; it shrank to fit and then melded into my skin, which currently looked like a polyester track suit. I flicked my arm experimentally and the bracer widened out into a thirty-centimeter buckler that was effectively strapped to the top of my forearm. It looked as though it were made out of polyester but it still sounded like metal when I rapped on it experimentally.
The box dissolved and my last box, the Platinum box, moved to take its place. The lid opened with a rising dunnnn played on an immense organ. I looked inside with all the excitement I'd had at my very first Christmas, hoping for an amazing weapon, or some armor or...anything other than seven slips of cardboard.
I pulled them out and studied them curiously. On the front of each one it said COUPON. On the back was text that started off small and got positively microscopic by the time it reached the bottom. According to the easily visible parts of the text, I had:
Coupon for a free Personal Space, upgraded to level three.
Coupon for a free tier 1 environmental upgrade. (x2)
Coupon for a free tier 1 crafting table. (x2)
Coupon for a table upgrade. (x2)
Katia: Hi Hekla! We made it to a saferoom and we're opening our boxes. The AI is angry about how the government forced it to not award those Celestial boxes after the last floor so it's giving us great stuff. I got a cool shield and a skill-boosting potion and some coupons for a 'personal space' (whatever that is) and crafting tables. How are you doing?
Hekla: A personal space is a room of your own that you can get to through any saferoom. It travels with you from floor to floor and you can put upgrades in it that give you buffs of various kinds. Those coupons—what specifically did you get?
I listed it off for her.
Hekla: That sounds really valuable.
Katia: I'll save them for when we are together again. Carl and Donut probably got the same things, so they'll already have two sets. The Daughters should get one too.
Hekla: Thank you, Katia. You're a gem. Sounds like things are going well. We're doing fine here. We got here six hours before you guys. We cleaned out the purple train we started on and stopped off at 83 so we could open our loot boxes. We didn't get those coupons but we got plenty of other good gear. We discovered something important: Mobs can't get off at transit stations, so when the trains pull in and the doors open you can stand there and shoot them with no risk. Also, forcibly pulling them off the train kills them, but you don't get XP for it. We spent some time grinding like that, but we've moved on. Now we're on the indigo line heading up to 127. How are Donut, Carl, and Mordecai?
Katia: Donut is sweet and hyper. Carl thinks I'm useless but he's not being mean. Mordecai is a great guy. He knows a ton of stuff about the dungeon and apparently he's a potion master so if we can get him an alchemy table then he can make potions for us.
Hekla: Lucky you. I'm glad it's working out so well. We're pulling into a station now, monsters waiting. Catch you soon.
Katia: Okay. Stay safe.
I picked up my coupons and walked over to where the others were standing around in front of the counter.
"Did you get anything good?" Carl asked.
I nodded and showed him the coupons; I deflated when I discovered that yes, he and Donut had gotten the same ones. Even though it was expected, I had still hoped that I would have something unique and valuable to contribute.
I also showed them the shield. Everyone had pretty much the same reaction I had: Seeing a blob of polyester shaped like a shield was weird but it worked and the Shatter enchantment sounded good.
Donut enjoyed watching my arm shift to and from the buckler shape. "You can be like that liquid metal Terminator guy," she said. "That'd be really cool."
"I never saw that movie. I don't like violence."
"You're in the wrong job then, honey."
"Wait," Carl said. "I guess I hadn't really realized what exactly you can do with that race. So if you're wearing a helmet that's made out of metal, and you reshape yourself to look like a normal human wearing a bikini, you'll be able to make any part of your body metal?"
"That's right," Mordecai said. "It has to stay contiguous but she can reshape it and shift it around anywhere she wants."
"Well, shit. We need to get as much armor on you as possible."
I mean...yes.
Well, I supposed it was nice of him to finally take an interest. Apparently I had at last managed to shift from 'useless anchor around our necks' to 'possibly useful' in Carl's mind. That was good.
"That's the plan," Mordecai said, forbearing to comment on the obviousness of the idea. "And she's going to train up her strength a bit, too."
"Right," I said. "I've got 36 stat points to distribute. Any suggestions?"
After a bit of discussion I ended up pouring all of them into Strength except for six thrown to Intelligence so I'd have three extra uses of the Heal spell.
"Okay," Mordecai said as soon as Carl and I were done spending our points. "Katia, now that Donut got her spellbook for Hole from the Dungeon Book of the Floor Club"—he waved to a mailbox tucked away into one of the corners of the room, a mailbox that I had completely overlooked—"the four of us should have a tactics brainstorming session. We haven't been through what gear all of you have and worked out how to best synergize. Also, you need to get read in on Carl and Donut's playbook. For now, can I see your coupons?"
I handed over the coupons, trying to show with my eyes how much I appreciated Mordecai covering for me. He obviously knew that I hadn't been paying attention to what the others were doing, and was feeding me important information about Donut's acquisition so that I didn't look dumb later.
"Our playbook is so cool!" Donut said. "See, we have these moves and we give them names so that we can call them to react super fast and kill the monsters before they can do anything! I think 'Double Shot' is my favorite—that's where I fire two Magic Missiles to headshot whatever we're facing."
"I thought you liked Monster Mash?" Carl said, smiling. He looked over at me. "She raises a dead enemy with her Second Chance spell, then uses Clockwork Triplicate to make two mechanical copies of it. We'll give you the full play list later."
"Thank you," I said. It was nice to be acknowledged as a potentially useful partner who should be kept informed. Apparently all it took was discovering that my race was more than just real-time plastic surgery.
"For right now, we've got something more important to do," Mordecai said. "Everyone bring your coupons over here." He led us to the counter where waited Wendita, the Bopca Protector clerk.
"Did you decide to accept the deal, Your Majesty?" she said hopefully, looking at Donut.
Donut looked at Mordecai. He nodded and she dropped her coupons out of her inventory onto the counter.
"I know that you and Donut negotiated a deal to buy a personal space with money, but we've decided to use this instead," Mordecai said, gesturing to the coupon that said 'Coupon for a free Personal Space, upgraded to level three'.
Wendita's eyes went wide and her hands shook as she picked up the bit of cardboard.
"A level three space?" she whispered. She looked up at Donut. "Your Majesty is buying a level three space with this? I knew when you talked me into paying my own money for your space, I knew it was only a test. You are a true Princess."
"Does she still get her bonus if we use a coupon?" Carl whispered to Mordecai.
"Oh yeah," Mordecai said. "She also gets rewards for each upgrade she sells. We are about to make her year."
"It gets better," he said to Wendita, laying my coupons down. "Carl, your coupons please?"
Carl dropped his on the counter but I reached out and scooped mine back, shaking my head apologetically.
"Actually, guys, I'm really sorry," I said. "I was talking to Hekla, and I kind of promised her I would—"
Mordecai waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes. We've already figured that out. Don't worry. You can cash in the coupons now, and you won't lose them. The personal space and the environmental upgrades will travel with you, so you might as well use them now. The same with the tables you're going to buy. The tables upgrade on their own every time you go down a floor, so it's important to do it now. You can save the two table upgrade coupons. If you leave and rejoin another party, everything you're about to do will travel with you. Put your coupons here, but don't mix them in. The AI needs to be able to track who is buying what."
"Oh. Okay." I lay mine down again.
"Okay, Wendita, we are buying three level-three personal spaces," Mordecai said, pushing the relevant tickets over. "What's the fee to conjoin them?"
"Five thousand gold for each one you wish to merge in," she said, still looking flummoxed. "Three of them together will make a level five space."
Mordecai grimaced and muttered something about 'skinflints'. "Okay, that's fine. If one of them is removed, it drops to...?"
"A level four space."
He nodded. "Okay, fine. We'll take all three spaces and conjoin them. Let's see the upgrades menu."
The screen above us blinked and for the first time in any saferoom it showed a menu instead of dungeon information.
Welcome to the Upgrade Clearing House.
The following tier-one upgrades are available. Drill down for more details.
* Bathroom Upgrades
* Bed Upgrades
* Crafting Upgrades
* Kennel and Stable Upgrades
* Kitchen Upgrades
* Quest and Social Upgrades
* Training Upgrades
* Magic Upgrades (Empty)
* Store Access (Empty)
"That's new," Mordecai said. He waved a hand in the air and the Quest and Social Upgrades item expanded.
Quest Upgrades
* Quest Screen. Gives detailed list of available quests in your current area. 90,000 gold.
* Adventurer's, Inc. Employment Agency. Allows access to the general dungeon jobs-for-hire board. 100,000 gold.
*
Social Upgrades
* Social Screen. Gives detailed, AI-curated running list of comments from your social stream. Allows for better interaction with fans. 50,000 gold.
"The Naughty Boys Employment Agency?" Donut said. "Carl, didn't you get that from your class?"
"Yeah, but I never knew what it was. If it's that expensive it sounds like it might be pretty good."
"Maybe," Mordecai said. "Although sometimes they like to troll the crawlers by having incredibly expensive but useless crap, or even outright schmuck bait that ends up screwing you over. Still, if it's part of your class then it's probably not that."
"What is your class, Carl?" I asked.
"Compensated Anarchist. It's supposed to be one of those guys who the fat cats hire to stir up social movements as part of a false flag action. It's got bonuses to punching, bombs, and traps."
"Wow." That was way better than Monster Truck Driver. I guess it really did help to be popular.
"Wendita, are these coupons good for any of these upgrades? Even though they have different values?" Carl asked.
The hairy little gnome-like creature shook her head. "No. If you read the fine print on the coupons, it says maximum value of 250,000 gold each and two may not be combined for a single item. So if you want that last one, you'll have to pay another 250,000 gold."
Carl cursed under his breath.
"Don't worry about it, we want to avoid quests for now," Mordecai said. He clicked back and went into Bed Upgrades.
A huge list appeared, starting with Cot, single: 100 gold and ending at Ultra-stabilized, Size-adjustable, Race-adjustable Alleviating Sleep Apparatus. Allows for full rest after a period of only two hours of sleep. Imparts 30 hours of Good Rest bonus: 250,000 gold.
"Wow," I said. "We'd only sleep two hours?" That would leave a lot more time for hunting monsters.
"Yes," Mordecai said. "And the Good Rest benefit gives a 10% bonus to your stats and experience gained, and allows skills to train 10% faster. We are definitely getting that one." He slid one of Donut's coupons over to Wendita.
"Do we each need to buy it?" I asked.
"No, everything is copied to all rooms in a conjoined space. As long as you're with us you'll have access to all the things we're buying right now."
"Oh. Good. Um...not that I'm looking forward to leaving you guys or anything. I really appreciate you taking me in, and I know you didn't have to..." I was absolutely looking forward to leaving them and going back to Hekla, who didn't make me feel useless and disregarded.
"It's fine," Mordecai said, waving me to silence. He quickly flipped through the menus, skimming to the bottom of each list, and then he started pushing coupons across to Wendita. "We'll take the Super-Cleansing Bathing and Restoration Device, the Enhanced Crafting Studio, and the Training Room." The first two used Donut's and Carl's coupons respectively while mine went for the training room. A spike of anger went through me as he simply used it without any discussion. If the upgrades were going to travel with me when I rejoined the Daughters then maybe I would have liked to be the one with the shower that gave +10% to my stats and improved my stealth. Probably not the crafting studio, though. I'd never been particularly handy.
Mordecai flipped over to the list of crafting tables, skimmed the first few entries on the absolutely enormous list, and then shook his head and closed it out. "There's too many new ones there. Let's wait until I've had a chance to go through them."
Wendita took the coupons. "I will need 15,000 gold as well," she said tentatively, twisting her hands together in fear that she might be queering a deal that was apparently going to make her rich. "The coupons are only good for up to 250,000 gold and the crafting room is 255,000. Also there are two conjoinings and those need to be gold."
"My bodyguard deals with such matters," Donut said with a dramatic wave of her paw. "Carl, pay the woman."
He glared at her. "I don't have that much, Donut. I only got ten thousand in the box."
Donut gasped. "Surely you saved some of your money from earlier? If not then I've done a terrible job of instilling financial discipline in you, young man."
"Donut, cut it out," he said. "I'm tired and I don't have energy for this shit. You know I had thirty-four hundred from before. Now fork over the rest."
Donut grumbled to herself. "Oh, very well." A pile of gold coins showered onto the counter, each about the size of a króna but with a kua-tin stamped on one side and a picture of Earth on the other. Carl rolled his eyes and pulled the rest of the fee out. His coins appeared in neat stacks so that Wendita only had to count one stack and then check the height of the rest to mark the total quickly.
"Let me help," I said, starting to stack Donut's pile into easier units so that Wendita didn't have to count them individually. A moment later Carl and Mordecai each took a section of the pile and went to work on closing the gap between us and our new home base and its murder-enhancing furniture.