The walk home seemed cluttered with the ghosts of Human's actions, my path forward now drenched in the blood of peers and family members alike. Heart breaking, body trembling, led to tears forming and dousing my cheeks.
Shoes being weighed down by the consequences yet to come, my mind forcefully being pulled to the depths; solace of silence was no longer a possibility, yet still a preference.
If human was not clawing at the seams, my own voice was drowning out the ambience, with vocals of confusion and a pitch muddled with a terrified tone.
Research took hours to finalise and retrieve, however, after the research led me to DID, I could now look for treatments.
'Currently there is no cure'.
My blood boiled; bubbling blood cells pushed against the veins that restrained them. My heart rate elevated, bpm clocking at the max. Fists clenched. Eyes tightened. Brow narrowed.
"How could there be no fucking cure!"
"So, you're telling me I have to live with it? with him?!"
"How, the fuck, am I supposed to do that! He murders people!"
My anger slowly subsided as I continued to read. Possible long-term treatments appeared to have an effect.
Could I manage the situation I found myself in? By seeking professional help? Was that even possible?
All I need to do is find the answer to why this happened to me, what traumatic experience in my life am I neglecting.
My mind circled for hours, unearthing all locked away memories too painful for anyone to relive. The traumatising visuals that plagued my mind, now being played at the forefront, with loudened basses and reverberating vocals that perforated my eardrums.
A puncture so vigorous, my mind traipsed and became lost within a sea of white noise – inveigled by the cascade of it all.
My head spacing, and the noise of it all becoming unbearable, I removed myself from the slumber I had perched within. Endlessly roaming, searching for answers or clues that could lead me to a revelation left me deflated.
Airless, shrivelled; a minor version of myself feeling lost in the turmoil of it all. A chaos filled mind space seeking refuge upon any shoreline that would have me, any answer that could free me from the adversity I imprisoned myself in.
Embedded within the edges of society - angry and disoriented; shook to the core by the devil scratching at the walls of my frontal lobe.
Noises screeching from the prefrontal cortex, slithering backward, casing around my spinal cord; controlling every movement and decision that I made.
Synapses firing fury filled tremors, scheming from within my very wires that bind my shell in place.
Arriving at what appeared to be a bar, I was tempted. Tempted to fall back into old routines.
Tempted to drown my sorrows in anything that held an alcohol percentage.
Would drinking myself blind force human out or keep him locked away?
If I had no control, would he?
Temptation soared as curiosity set in.
Even if, in the long run, it did not help; tonight, it would. At the very least, tonight would become a haze. Distorted memory, the result of alcohol-stained blood.
Dragging myself through the door, heels gripping to the curb, I forced my muscles into the bar. For I knew that it would help, it had to.
Sat at the first stool, adjacent to the wooden bar that curved around the back corner of the room, I ordered my first of many drinks. Three glasses had emptied their way down my throat, sitting comfortably coddling my stomach.
Pain and memories from the night's exploits had now received softened edges, the sharp corners now blunted by the vodka.
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Muscle fibres now loosened to a joyful ease thus making it a reasonable challenge to continue to pick up the glasses that followed.
Silky glances from a woman situated to my right, although hazy were acknowledged. Sleeping with another girl was the last thing I wanted, yet maybe the one thing I needed.
A returning glimpse was presented with very little intent, however, within no time at all her body shunted from the parallel side of the bar. Her smile gleamed, protruding through the thick smog of smoke collecting centrally in the bar.
Maroon lipstick, shaded her upper and bottom lip, contrasting to her brightly coloured dress. Her slender figure leaving little to the imagination, as the dress fit tightly within its curves.
"W-Would you like a drink?"
"Yeah, sure. What you drinking?" her eyes glanced quickly at my drink at back toward my eyes.
"Vo-vodka and coke, would you like one?" my eyes mesmerised by her darker natural skin tone, the slim, slender dress and her dark brown hair that was slicked backward.
"of course, I'm game." Her smile grew as the drink was handed to her.
"SOOO. What you are doing here then?"
"Just trying to escape my l-life for a moment. If I can." My face hung downward, glaring at the glass in front of me.
Her hand reached out, laying gently on my thigh, squeezing the muscle inward. Acknowledgment that we were both her to escape.
My contemplation found its way toward her, a smile accompanied it showing my acceptance.
"Well everyone is running from something. It's about living in the moment, right?"
"or escaping that very moment, in s-search for the next that's calmer." Disregarding the very olive branch, she extended with the purpose of comfort.
"Or that I suppose. Haha. Why don't you just settle for a second, live in this moment with me?" her eyes lighting up as her hand raised higher.
Now several drinks deep my eyesight became a murky puddle of clarity; a highly opaque looking glass made from logic and memory.
Excusing myself from the bar, I made my way toward the bathroom, the room spinning while objects images morphed into each other.
The watercolour painting of the canvas allowed the colours to merge resulting in the lines blurring and colours percolating into one another.
Palm planted onto the doorframe of the men's bathroom, saw a consequence of motion sickness gushing through me.
Fingers gripped my t-shirt, pulling my body outward from the bathroom. The woman pressed her body against me and began to kiss, pushing me through the door, and it is closing behind us.
"I bet she tastes good David." Human whispered into my ear.
Exiting the bathroom stall alone, slipping on my way out, my eyesight had still not recovered. Unaware of what had taken place I made my way toward my drink.
Simultaneously, to the glass lifting from the wooden bench it sat perched upon, the alcohol within the glass was consumed. Ordering a bottle for the road I departed the bar.
Mumblings of Human had quietened, or I was no longer paying courtesy to his voice. Silence had once again become a situation of ultimate solace.
Phone light blinding made the next course of action a difficult enterprise to undergo. Outside images already a miasma, only purged from my retinas by the light emanating from the screen.
Calling numerous numbers, one after another, soon developed into a tedious task in the pursuit of cocaine. Nevertheless, an obligatory one.
Coal black paint: a BMW pulled up alongside my stumbling corpse. Windshield wound down, with an arm lunging from it; fingers clasping a plastic, snow filled, baggie. Exchanging fifty pounds for the lift of cocaine was a fair deal within any parameters.
A hidden gem emerged from within the bag, a cardboard sheath, an LSD tab by any estimation. Any restrictions I would have had vanished due to the high level of alcohol discolouring my bloodstream.
Fingers sliding within the plastic protective casing, clasping the LSD tab, resulted in happiness floating from inside my eyes.
Saliva, lubricating the bristles of my tongue, relaxing the muscles of my throat in anticipation of the tab of LSD.
Illustrated paper revealing the image of a panda concealed by the atmosphere of bright colours and shapes, draped the colours from it is surface. Lackadaisically, the tab of acid, moon-bathed upon the wet fleshy muscle of my tongue.
Epiglottis moving with conviction to protect the larynx, preventing immigrants from penetrating the precious resources of my lungs.
Acid gradually being pushed toward the oropharynx, muscles contracting, as tendons stretch - forcing the tab down.
Thirty minutes passed, still intoxicated, before any effects could be felt. Energy uncontrollably accelerated throughout my body.
Tingling sensations glittered my skin, a sparkling shimmer of light fluorescently emanating from my skin pores. Vibrations subsequently leading to giggles deriving from within; laughter truly escaping.
An hour of giggles and hurtling laughter left my stomach in knots; twisted and contorted in on itself, left me vulnerable to the harsh winds of the gradual peak.
Each step took my body deeper into the trip, and thus closer to the peak. The once warm embrace that my skin had latched to, was now replaced with a harsh cold breeze piercing my skin - turning my mind against itself. Creeping. Stalking.
Paranoia inched closer to me, the chills of which could be felt down the hairs of my spine. the cold breath alerting each hair; standing them to attention. Time slowed.
Time dilation - the subsequent result of my mind processing movements and actions slower; while my mind, in contradiction, accelerated in its generating of thought patterns.
The visualisation of Human's eagerly positioned manifestation before me, tormenting me with his sheer presence. His mocking demeaner crowded and enclosed me, his multiple faces smirking and sneering at me.
Colours exploded from his face; purples, pinks and blues collapsing from his jerked smile. A downpour of assorted colours painted the sky, the dark numbness of the atmosphere now bedecked with multifarious colours.