Chapter 5

Darkness enveloped me, my eyes opened but I couldn’t see anything. I hear…voices, I think I can recognize them but can’t remember. I try to move but realize that I can’t move very far, something is blocking my movement. I reach out nervously feeling out my surroundings; I feel wood all around me. Realization dawned on me, I’m in a coffin. Fear and panic started to set in; then a voice rang out “No Michael please calm down wake up! Wake up!” Consciousness came back to me suddenly. My body being shaken, I open my eyes and see Alyssa. “Michael, you gotta get up and get ready; you know what today is, come on.” She grabs my arm and pulls me up. I don’t put up much of a fight; I have been pretty numb the last three days since…since my father pasted. She pulls me into the bathroom and turns on the shower. “Ok Michael hurry up take a shower your tux is hanging in your closet.” I just stand there not focusing on anything wishing I was still sleeping. Alyssa growls with frustration grabs me by the neck and with her other hand turns on the shower and before I could stop her, she pushes my head into the shower and the cold water washes over my face and trickles down my back and chest. Adrenaline rushes through me with the shock of cold water; suddenly fully awake “What the hell just leave me alone!!” I turn towards Alyssa anger fills me till I see her tears in her eyes; startled the anger leaves me.

“You’re scaring me, Michael! It’s like you’re dead but you’re not and I can’t help you wherever you seem to be in your head! Please stop it Michael I mean look at me!” I turn my head back towards her and look into her eyes. My breath caught and tears started to run down my face and suddenly emotions that I had been hiding and running from fill me. The pain was harsh and yet I couldn’t stop; Alyssa held me while I cried the water from the shower was noise in the background drowning out our sobs. Never had I needed someone as much as I needed her right there and then.

A few hours later at my father’s funeral I was feeling better, and I was finding out that I would be ok. I was holding my mother’s hand as silently tears ran down her face as the preacher talked about my father’s soul in heaven. Next was family talking about his life. Tears caused from memories with my father ran down my face. But not just sadness was the cause, but joy brought by my father’s memories and the things he did. My friends were there sitting behind my mother and me. At times I can hear them laughing at a memory or they would squeeze my shoulder in support. Never did I realize how lucky I was then I did then.

Afterwards we went to my house and condolences were exchanged. Food and drink were everywhere. My mom and I put on smiles for everyone. I never understood the saying "I'm sorry for your loss" hearing it over and over again it started to sound false. People were crying everywhere but me and mom, we couldn't. I kept busy as much as possible not thinking about Dad. Sometimes I caught myself staring into nothing then caught myself, blinking back tears that wanted to come out. I would watch my mom sometimes do the same thing. The hardest part was seeing granddad and Grammy crying. My granddad is wearing his old fiftyish black suit. He had wrinkles that somehow made him seem wiser, not so much old. Grammy you could tell was a looker she didn't seem to be in her sixties. Wearing a black lace dress. When they noticed me they wiped their tears away and smiled a sad smile at me. I remember how her smile used to light up the room and her old style ways used to make me dress. The proper woman she was. I went to Grammy and gave her a big hug. I just wanted to stay in her arms and cry, but I just couldn't right then. I pulled away and looked into her clear blue eyes, we connected and an understanding came between us. She hugged me real quick and backed away I looked at granddad and gave him a hug. He hesitated and hugged me back. I backed away and waved them goodbye and proceeded to the kitchen where my friends were.

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Any other day Jessica, Alyssa and Mandy would have taken my breath away. They were beautiful, all that I processed in my brain, but I was numb and didn't really notice. I first went to Alyssa, gave her a hug then to Dan giving him a hug then Jessica and finally Mindy. Tears were in Alyssa and Mandy's eyes. It made me want to cry again. "Don't cry Alyssa, Mandy, you'll make me cry." I said trying to smile at them. Even Dan was on the verge of crying but he was always strong especially for those who he cares about. We stood around and talked about happier times and for a while I was able to not think about how sad I was. When I was younger, my father always told me he would be proud of me no matter what as long as I was happy. That is something I will cherish forever and base my life on.

A couple of hours later I said goodbye to my friends and turned around to my mother. The silence in the house was deafening. I went over to my mom and gave her a hug and then she just broke down crying. Her blond hair smelled like her shampoo, she always uses lilacs and her scent. I just closed my eyes and held my mother as she cried. Her body trembling beneath my arms, her tears soaking my shirt. She seemed so fragile at that moment, it at first scared me she was always the strongest of us but then I was happy she loved me enough to show her emotions instead of hiding them. I was thinking about what my father last told me about what he wished for me. That’s when it dawned on me; I had an answer on how to make my father stay alive inside me. My mom quieted down "Mom, Dads not truly dead as long as we hold him in our hearts and he will live through us!" My mother looked at me with a mixture of shock and wonder. She kissed me on my forehead "Thanks Michael I really needed to hear that." She gave me a long hug and when she was done she drew back and I saw the fire in her eyes were back.

Relief filled me, my mother was gonna be ok. "Mom, let me clean up the house you’re exhausted and need some sleep." She looks at me "ok son if you need anything wake me up." She walks towards the stairs and turns around "Your father would be so proud of you right now you know that." Stunned she turns towards the stairs and walks up them, I hear her door open then close as I stay standing there. Tears slowly running down my face but not with sadness but with love and happiness.