Correspondence between Fred’s Fitness Supplements and Sword, Board and Song™ from the 29th of Pompluy to the 11th of August, 2103.
(Sent on the 29th of Pompluy)
Hey Bro,
This is Fred, from Fred’s Fitness Supplements. I am the Fred. My shareholders have been pestering me that this is advertising money on the table and I need to pull it in. So what say we work out a deal?
My vision can be condensed as follows;
1. Nonviolence; I want people playing my classes to be hard coded to not do violence for any reason. Violence is never the answer! It would break my heart to hear about one of my lifters laying somebody out, even if they weren’t human. We shouldn’t judge people or animals based on not being human!
2. I want better music tracks. My secretary understands links and she will attached one here, to demonstrate my taste in music. If your teeth are not moving around in your mouth individually, are you really listening to music?
3. My guys tell me that you have like classes in the game. We want a Camper Class speciality option. Much stronger than average, loaded with the cool music, and get this, when you sign in at a certified Fred’s Fitness Supplements location, your stats improve in the game and in real life! AT THE SAME TIME!
Fred
(Sent on the 1st of August)
Greetings Fred,
These are very interesting ideas, but my superiors are interested in what you are interested in paying for these implementations.
Bob
This letter is from a SWORD, BOARD and SONG™ verified account.
(Sent on the 3rd of August )
Hey Bro,
That is an oops and my secretary says she is sorry for missing it. See attachment.
Fred
(Sent on the 3rd of August)
Greetings Fred,
These terms are acceptable. Your advertising will be fully implemented by the 11th.
Bob
This letter is from a SWORD, BOARD and SONG™ verified account.
(Sent on the 9th of August )
Hey Bro,
I am looking forward to the update. My second ex-wife’s been playing your game and I was wondering if there is a way to hire someone to cause her problems? I am willing to double our current agreement for this service.
Fred
(Sent on the 10th of August)
Greetings Fred,
These terms are unacceptable. We are willing to hold to the old terms, but we are not willing explore harassment of players, no matter their other activities. My superiors are extremely insistent on this point.
Bob
This letter is from a SWORD, BOARD and SONG™ verified account.
(Sent on the 11th of August )
Hey Bro,
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
Woah! This is really big. I have never seen so many new registrations! This is working really well!
Fred
(Sent on the 11th of August )
Hey Bro,
I never seen so many nerds in my stores. I have never seen such ignorance on exercise machines. I have never seen my tread mills crawled on.
Fred
Jake. 8th of August.
A month had passed. The party had only gotten together twice, but Jake and John had been able to group up about half of the evenings since then. They had returned to the Dark Wine Cellar three times since their first clear. The second full meeting had been almost a walk in the park. Between Jade’s singing healing and their new tactic of all carrying torches, the slow and lumbering constructs were quickly reduced to scrap. Their two attempted duo clears had been much harder. John had gotten Leg Biter, while Jake had upgrade his title to Copper.
Things had changed though. Weirdly dressed people showed up in town and played differently. The most notable were the broccoli eaters, which was weird. Watching a little shrimpy character strut up, eat a can of broccoli and then smash an orc’s chest place so that there was a visible dent in it, was funny. Watching a group of broccoli eaters punch their way through a horde of goblins or corrupted monkeys was almost cool.
Watching duels or even friendly matches was less cool. To see someone’s hours of practice be totally undone by power from a can was demoralizing. Jake just disliked them. Especially, because the players did not play to help others, but just ‘for fun.’
Forums erupted into massive debates and less friendly discussions. Just for fun vs. party play. And thousands of words were written for either side, while a few videos were posted for either side. Jake read one meme and decided that party play was better and then began collecting dozens upon dozens of memes that backed this position.
Now he was with a group of unknowns preparing to adventure through a newly uncovered castle. Uncover was literal. A group of singers had gone to an area covered in thick fog, disliked it and sang a choral song and dispersed the magic fog. They had just come back into town and were drumming up an army to find everything that could be found out about their find.
Jake followed a group of four other Fighters and a weird broccoli eater as they tried to confirm that one of the towers was empty. Most of the other groups had at least one singer with them, but it was figured that the fallen tower was not the most dangerous spot and they could explore it alone.
The fighters all lit torches or hung lanterns from a strap at their shoulder and carefully walked in. Jake hadn’t gotten names and he hoped that wouldn’t be a problem.
“Who invades my sanctum?” A raspy voice echoed through the lateral tower as they climbed among the broken stairs. A figure who looked like they were made out of blue static hovered above them.
“Anybody have a wand of dispelling or ghost removal?” The broccoli eater asked as he had his character flex.
Wordlessly, one of the fighters adjusted her grip on her sword and the room was flooded with brilliant light. The figure crackled and disappeared.
“Cool, are you this pretty in real life?” The broccoli eater asked.
“…can we not do this right now?” A fighter with a halberd asked as he poked at some of the broken stairs.
A new figure appeared as the broccoli guy made a harsh reply. The figure was about twice as tall as the tallest fighter and from under his hood dripped glowing liquids of different colors.
“Since you will not engage in diplomacy, I will engage in violence,” The raspy voice said as it shifted into an inhumanly deep growl.
The figure’s hands were revealed and he patted the air. This would have looked silly had the air around his hands not immediately turned into two crowns of multicolored fire. All of the player characters took damage and raced forward. The figure raised his hands above his head and they took damage faster. It was at the rate of a full hit point per second, which was not good.
The broccoli eater opened a can and then ate the whole can’s worth in cartoonish animations while the rest of the group tried to attack. The figure, face still shrouded began kicking heavy boots at them, which forced the fighters to block or dodge. His boots seemed to have armor that was too strong for them to work their way through, at least with light sword slashes and the character was moving too quickly for them line up consistent heavy hits.
One tried to get in close and the large figure swirled, revealing a spike roughly bound to the end of its tail as it one-shot the fighter.
The whole party froze for a moment as the guy who had just had his player killed screeched and then left the party chat.
The figure dropped back its cloak, revealing a human head, chest and torso attached by Unkown means to a scaled lower body. The cloak burned when it touched the crown and the crowns of shifted colors, intensifying with light and power. The rest of them were taking damage faster as well. Jake started trying to organize the remaining fighters, when the broccoli eater jumped off his character, spun through the air and punched completely through the monster. The figure laughed an empty laugh and then collapsed into a disorganized pile of grafted pieces.
Jake scowled at that, while a few of the other players congratulated the broccoli eater, who lapped it up. On the other hand, the monster was defeated, they had all gotten some experience for being there and maybe he was just being jealous.
He was frustrated that he hadn’t been able to do anything other than distract the abomination while the other guy waited for his power-up to come into effect. Maybe the game was just better when you played with people you knew?