The Ballad of Lily and Mr. Happy

By A. Soppy

The Realm was the pride and joy of the gods. For untold centuries they roamed the realm playing and creating. As tends to happen in these stories, dark shapes arose amidst their playthings. Demons happened, then war and cataclysm…and yada yada.

The gods sealed The Realm off from the other dimensions and left…and yet the demons continued to slip through the cracks, setting off new wars and reasons for the denizens of The Realm to band together. For most living beings, survival became treasured above all else.

For the rest, you wonder?

Well, where to begin…ah! Why don’t I tell you the story of Discrete the Minotaur, who lived at the center of a grand labyrinth tucked away at the base of the mountains of God’s Rest. Or as I like to call him, Mister Happy.

Oh wait, you say, what’s a minotaur?

Are you fucking kidding me, kid? Half-bull, half-man. He’s the stuff of legends, and not just amongst nerds and Greek history buffs. You see...a certain perverse segment of the population couldn’t help but wonder which half of Mr. Happy was bull-sized...if you catch my drift?

Yes. Mr. Happy wasn’t just a living legend. He was both a fetish and proving ground.

For the would-be warriors, he stood as the punchline to a dare--one that frequently dismembered his challengers from limb-to-limb. And for the would-be fetish seekers? A thrill a minute, I can assure you. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t dismember them when he was finished, however...

And so continues the Ballad of Lily of House Hathur, also known as Lily the Lost to those who would rather forget her ongoing attempts to discredit the family name.

“Billy,” called a distant voice.

Damn it, thought Billy Archibald Bush--derided by bullies and Baldy the Bush. Doesn’t she know I’m writing a best-seller here?

“Billy?”

He sighed and slammed his haptic keypad shut, causing the document on his retinal display to blink out of view, then dodged around the disaster-zone that was his bedroom floor. As he swung the door open, he shouted down the length of the hallway. “What?”

His mother’s head poked up at the top of the stairs. “There’s someone at the door, honey.”

“Tell them to go away.”

“Really, honey, that’s rude. They said they’re your friend.” Her eyebrows rose at that. He hadn’t had company over for, well...a long while. Not since he’d started playing The Realm Online. And definitely not since he’d started anonymously self-publishing a series of mythical fantasy erotica stories on Amazon, which against all expectations had turned into niche-busting bestsellers.

“I don’t have friends, mom.”

“Well, you won’t with that attitude.”

Billy rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll go see who it is.”

The unmistakable figure of Charlie Chubbs filled the front doorway. The fuck is he doing here, Billy wondered.

Out loud. “Umm, I can hear you, you know,” Charlie said, shaking his head.

“Right. So, what the fuck are you doing here?”

“I know I’m not supposed to disturb you while you’re at work, but you weren’t online, and I thought you’d want to know--”

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

“Want to know what?” Billy couldn’t hide his irritation. He’d just been hitting his stride with this latest story, and now he could feel that ever-fleeting creative momentum beginning to falter. Every word he spared for Charlie, who was most definitely not his friend (more like an acquaintance), meant one less for his daily word count.

“It’s about your sister.”

“Oh, gods.” Charlie knew his weak spot. So much for writing. “Come in.”

#

“Would you like some tea? Milk? Cookies?”

“No he wouldn’t--”

“Milk and cookies would be lovely, Ms. Bush,” Charlie smiled at Billy’s mom, who was practically salivating at the opportunity to entertain for Billy’s first guest in years.

Billy glared as his mom stepped out of the den. “This had better be good.”

“It’s not good. I’ve been kicked.”

“What? In the ass?”

“Milk and cookies,” announced Billy’s mom in a sing-song voice. She sure was fast...almost like she’d already laid everything out before asking. She set down a dairy and sugar-laden tray on the coffee table, then unstacked a pair of 32-ounce plastic cups featuring characters from the Avengers franchise.

Charlie started to reach out, then retracted his hands as Billy’s nostrils literally huffed.

“The Thor cup is mine, Chubbs.”

“Right, of course...sorry.” Charlie settled for the Hulk one instead.

They munched cookies in brooding silence, as Billy’s mom slipped out of the room.

Billy licked his lips and frowned down at the crumbs littering the folds of his expanding t-shirt. “So, you were saying...you’ve been kicked? In the nuts?”

Charlie swallowed down a mouthful of cookies and milk. His eyes flitted up to meet Billy’s, but instead found a comfortable spot somewhere over his shoulder. “From the guild.”

“From...the...guild,” Billy mouthed. Like him, Charlie spent most of his waking, not-in-school time playing The Realm Online. As did his grown-up, moved out of the house sister. His eyes narrowed as an awful thought occurred to him. “Wait. You mean my sister’s guild of fucktards?”

“Jeez. I’m not a fucktard, am I?” Charlie looked wounded.

Billy snickered. “Well, not anymore. So what happened?”

“I don’t know. But, I got the boot...and somebody posted a bounty for my head. Can you believe it?”

“Umm, sure.” This wasn’t good. Charlie was his only remaining source close to his sister’s in-game character. “I mean, no, that’s terrible. I’m sorry.” He wasn’t.

“I think she’s on to you, Billy.”

“What? Because they booted you? Why would they connect you to me? We’re not even friends in-game, let alone in person…”

If Charlie looked hurt, he didn’t show it. Maybe he was too busy talking to slow down and listen. “I don’t know. But, she was catching a lot of flak the other night. Something about a ballad and a unicorn. Which is funny, you know, because I was there in-game at her side during the unicorn hunt. And…”

“And you told me all about it. You deviant bastards.”

Charlie gulped down the last of his milk and nodded, then reached down to pick up a stray cookie crumb from the shag carpet.

“You haven’t told anyone about our little arrangement, have you?”

“No...no. Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because I smell a rat.”

“A rat? I’m not following.”

“Rats...get bounties on them, or do disgusting shit like eating food crumbs off the floor.”

Charlie flushed. “Look, it’s not like that. Well...I mean, I do eat food off the floor sometimes, but I’m not going to tell anyone about our, uhh, deal. Okay?”

“Everything alright, boys?” Billy’s mom stood at the entry to the den, her hands on her hips. “More cookies?”

“Ye--”

Billy cut off his friend, before Charlie could extend his visit. “No, thanks. We’re all good.” His mom looked disappointed, but took the hint and vanished.

“Dude, your mom’s pretty cool.” A lot of the idiots at school joked about hitting it with Ms. Bush, but never Charlie. One of his few redeeming qualities.

Digging around in his pockets, Billy’s hand came out with a crumpled twenty. He tossed it onto Charlie’s lap.

“What’s this for?”

Billy fixed him with a stern look. “Consider it your severance payment. We’re done here.”

Charlie’s brow furled.

“As in, you can go now.”

“Umm, right.” Charlie lifted ponderously to his feet and looked around, like he was dazed.

“Door’s that way.” Billy knew he was being a cold bastard, but right now he didn’t care. It was time to get back to writing and wreaking more revenge on his dumb twat of a sister. His thoughts were interrupted by Charlie’s unmoving form. “What? Why aren’t you gone yet?”

“Can I use the restroom? I have to pee.”

Billy sighed. “Fine. Follow me.”