Foreword
By Wilhelm Poindexter, Ph.D.
At the outset, let me say that my only reason for researching and writing this dubious chronicle is that as chair of the College of Political Science at the University of New New New New York, I am occasionally expected to publish something. This work is a direct result of that obligation. It is not intended for serious study, and any of my students found reading it will almost certainly fail.
This writing concerns the career of perhaps the most noted figure of the last thousand years, give or take: Dirk Bordeaux. I am afraid I shall disillusion any serious student not already aware of Bordeaux’s character, but the truth is that, at least in the beginning, he was a complete incompetent. As far as anyone can determine, luck and shrewd public relations were largely responsible for his success, brilliant though it was. His political victories are known to have been engineered, from start to finish, by his campaign sponsors. And yet, for all his deficiencies, his deeds have done more to shape modern history, and our present society, than have those of any other person since the time of the Roman Empire.
To understand Bordeaux fully, and the magnitude of his achievements, one must know something of the society into which he was born. 996 years ago, the planet Earth was opened for exploitation by the Council of Starfarers. This was the lawmaking body of a loosely knit league of worlds, who possessed sufficient strength to avoid being swallowed by the three intergalactic empires then in place. At the time, the people of Earth were at the height of a physical fitness craze. One man—a bodybuilder—stood literally head and shoulders above all others. He was incredibly large and strong, and he called himself the Big, Bad Wolf. At the time of this writing, it is the only name that can be positively confirmed as his.
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Almost overnight, the Wolf became an intergalactic star. He was held in awe by everyone. The three empires mentioned, the League of Starfarers, and even independent stellar communities paid him fantastic sums to visit, when his busy schedule permitted. Even males of larger, stronger races than humanity could not deny that here was the crowning achievement of masculinity, the very ideal. And in a civilization boasting one hundred percent independent, liberated females, it is interesting to note that the Big, Bad Wolf found scores of eager Little Red Riding Hoods waiting wherever he went.
But the Wolf was as clever as he was strong, and he was not one to pass up the golden opportunity he saw here. Using the wealth he accumulated in a relatively short time, he converted his widespread popularity into political power, incorporating all known civilization under the conglomerate he founded with his bodybuilding buddies, Acme Space Guys. Thus, the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys—IFSBG—was born. It was the most ridiculous concept of government sentient beings ever devised, and it was 571 years before sanity began slowly to creep back into the minds of men. That was the year the IFSBG was finally disbanded.
However, the IFSBG caused Bordeaux to be born into the dominant race of our society, rather than to a backward, oppressed people. And this, if nothing else, has earned it an important place in history, because some of Bordeaux’s actions involved more than simple corrections of IFSBG idiocies. And if humanity had not held just such a powerful place in society, his deeds may have gone undone.
No one knows the exact date of Bordeaux’s birth, but IFSBG year 404 is generally accepted by historians as very probable. His planet of origin remains a mystery, leading many scholars to believe his name was assumed.
Wilhelm Poindexter, Ph.D.
University of New New New New York.