Olivia’s smile disappeared, replaced by a look of fear.
“I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about.” Her smile returned quickly as she tried to hide her true feelings, but it wasn’t very convincing.
“The Shadow Order doesn’t usually move alone. I’ve already met one of you,” Destiny said. “So for you to be one wouldn’t be surprising. You gave it away when you brought up my family. The Windwalkers are the royal family’s bodyguards, yes, but that name isn’t very well known to the public. So how would you know about it?”
Olivia’s breathing slowly steadied as she closed her eyes, trying to calm herself. Destiny went on, his hand still on his sword.
“On top of that, you seemed nervous when John was talking about going back to Lunaris. Did you think your cover would be blown?”
“No, no, that’s not it,” Olivia said, laughing nervously.
“Then what?” Destiny glared. The metal of his blade began to show. “I’m not in a position to play around here.”
Olivia looked nervous, but she didn’t have another option.
“I was once part of the order. I… I left.”
“Left?” Destiny raised an eyebrow. “That’s not possible. They don’t let people leave. You are killed, court-martialed or retired. There is no leaving.”
“We were the tools of politicians… Destiny, was it?” Olivia said sadly. “I was an orphan, much like Danjo. They found me and discovered my aptitude for healing. They thought I would be useful, and I had nowhere else to go. So they trained me.”
“Spies and assassins thought a healing element would be useful?”
“I could keep myself going through long missions. I could endure torture better than others. I could torture more effectively by healing my victim,” Olivia said, her voice incredibly quiet. “But that’s not what I wanted to do. So I ran.”
“Oh,” Destiny whispered, his arms going limp. “I’m… I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Olivia reassured Destiny. “It was a fair assumption to make. You said one of the order was tailing you?”
“Yes, but- oh, damn,” Destiny whispered, realizing what it could possibly mean for the woman sitting in front of him.
“They won’t recognize me,” Olivia reassured him, shaking her head. “I wasn’t well known. I wouldn’t have escaped otherwise. So unless they sent an executive member to watch you, I’ll be fine.”
Destiny nodded slowly. “So is that how you survived in that lab? Because of your training?”
“Ironic, isn’t it?” Olivia laughed. “But I want no part of that life anymore. I can not go back. My life here, as an adventurer and older sister, is more than enough for me.”
“...so you won’t be coming with us.”
“I’m afraid not,” Olivia sighed. “Much as I’d like to. But why are they tailing you?”
Destiny grimaced. “It’s a long story. I’m pretty sure they don’t mean any harm, but with you so close, I wasn’t sure.”
Olivia nodded. “I wish you the best of luck, then. And… please. Take Danjo with you. That boy should see the world for himself. It’s much more vast than any of us could imagine.”
Destiny nodded solemly. “I understand. Thank you, Olivia.”
“No, thank you, Destiny. For taking care of Danjo. For being his friend.”
With that, Destiny quietly left the room.
~~~
“Do you not get drunk?” Albert said in a slurred tone, his mug slamming on the table, liquid spilling over the top as his head crashed down next to it.
John was on his seventh cup of mead, still drinking away.
“I never served this at my bar,” he said. “I never had access to freshly brewed mead since I don’t brew. Never really picked that skill up, strangely enough. Or maybe it’s in my missing memories somewhere. Maybe I should’ve learned it. This isn’t that bad. It’s really sweet, kinda like fruit juice, but maybe better.”
“Most of us drink for the alcohol,” Albert mumbled. “You’re drinking this for the taste?”
“...yeah? Why would I drink something that doesn’t taste good?”
Albert raised his head drunkenly, glaring at John.
“I know you said this is on you, but this is too much. I’m going home.”
“You’re sober enough to realize you’re drunk. Come on! One more round.”
“No,” Albert said. He rose to his feet unsteadily. “But thanks for the drinks. I’m glad we’re both alive to do this. It was a good journey, eh?”
“Alive… yeah,” John said, staring into his cup. “I’ll see you around.”
A shadowy smoke rose from the ground as Bren appeared, nodding at John once before helping Albert out of the bar, lending his slender frame to support Albert’s large body. As the two of them left, Prota came in, glancing at them before heading straight to John. She swung herself onto the seat next to him and looked at his cup greedily.
“...no,” John said hesitantly. He was curious, though. What would happen if Prota got drunk? He shook his head. He couldn’t be getting Prota drunk. She was still a child, even if she didn’t always act like one.
She looked up at him with pleading eyes, though, so he called the bartender over and ordered something she could drink. It came over in a few minutes, and she was soon sipping away happily.
“Is it good?”
A nod.
“Do you want another one?”
Another nod, this one more energetic, although the change was barely noticeable.
John sighed as he downed his eight mug of mead. He couldn’t get drunk right now. He couldn’t get drunk ever, actually. It was a shame. He’d love to be drunk right now. He actually wasn’t sure what it was like to be drunk, but from what he’d heard, it was quite pleasant. Not being very conscious, the world around him being a blur, being able to pass by time without needing to focus… oh, well. He looked into his nearly empty cup, thinking about how the rest of the day had gone.
He’d shown up at the adventurer’s guild, knocking on Albert’s door and asking if he wanted to go out for drinks. He’d wanted to dispel the death flag set however long ago, to fufill the promise of going out for drinks before Albert would never be able to. He’d been hesitant at first, but with a little persuasion, he’d agreed. He was a strong drinker, apparently, but the mead here was just something else. John wished it was strong enough to pierce through his immunity. He didn’t want to think about the message sitting in front of his eyes.
[Determination: low level. Pain tolerance increased.]
Something had changed in him. He was aware of it. He wanted to run some tests, but that wasn’t possible in this bar. One thing was obvious, though. His pain tolerance had increased. To what extent, he didn’t know, but he wouldn’t be able to feel most minor injuries. Probably.
How convenient.
However, this made him worried. The [Author] wasn’t a charity. They didn’t hand out gifts for free. If anything, John was often upset at how limited he was in how much of a rampage he could go on. So if he was getting something like this, that surely meant something was to come. Something that required him to ignore certain levels of pain.
But still, it was just so confusing. Why now? Why was he getting this? And for what? No, forget what. What exactly did it do? And if pain tolerance was increased, then maybe [Infinity] had also been improved. Maybe reviving Olivia had been a test, and he’d passed it. He was just so confused.
“...can you explain?” John said hopefully. He was really reaching into the bottom off the barrel with this one, but he really didn’t want to go and figure it out himself.
His system. He wasn’t entirely sure how it worked, and only used it for convenience. The only truly useful feature was the ability to tell him how much [Determination] would help him out, and even that could be replaced by trial and error.
Not once had John expected the system to do anything for him. There was that one time it’d explained [Destiny Bond], but he’d learned from experience that it came with a tutorial for any new features that would likely never be used again. So when he asked for an explanation, he wasn’t really hoping for anything.
[[Determination] has been shown to be active at very low levels.]
John stared at the message. Had his system had this feature the whole time?
[The level of [Determination] is not high enough to activate [Infinity] beyond current limits. However, pain tolerance has been increased. It is now possible to use [Infinity] up to known limit without any side effects. Do with this what you will.]
[Explanation: concluded.]
John stared at the message. It was similar to the explanation he’d received for [Destiny Bond], but it felt… human, somehow. As if a person were impersonating a system, but was incapable of fully imitating an autonomous system fully.
Do with this what you will.
What did the system want with him? Zero had told him that he was the one who’d made the system a long time ago, but then why were there so many messages left behind for him? Had he somehow known that he’d lose his memories? John thought about that for a minute.
He’d lost his memories twice. One of these moments was one he was aware of. He’d made the choice to lose them, after all. But what about the other time? The time he’d woken up in a world with nothing but his name? Who had he been before that? The memories he had right now weren’t nearly enough to tell him the full story. They were shattered bits of glass, shards of a mirror reflecting broken bits of history that he couldn’t fully see.
If so, why hadn’t he made things easier for himself? No, there was no way he would’ve known that he would lose his memories, right? But what if he’d known he was going to lose? Maybe he’d prepared a failsafe of sorts, just in case. It was possible. He’d evidently been a [Character] for a far longer period than the time he’d been a [Writer], so maybe he’d been in a battle, and knowing he was going to lose, had created the system. It was a plot he’d seen more than once, so it wasn’t unreasonable.
But… [Deus Ex Machina]. Was it even possible to lose with that power?
John shook his head. He would collect all of his memories eventually. There was no point in trying to theorize when the answer would inevitably be his.
“All done,” Prota said, putting her cup on the table. John snapped out of his thoughts and looked to his side, seeing Prota finish her drink with a satisfied look.
That was right. He had people with him here and now. Why was he looking to the future? He would keep doing what he did best.
Ignore everything until necessary. That was all.
~~~
There was a soft tapping sound on John’s door, late into the night. Prota was fast asleep, tired from walking around all day, and John wasn’t expecting any visitors. He hesitated for a moment, scared that his actions would attract the demon king, but there was no way he’d been given access to [Infinity] as a bait, right? The [Author] wasn’t that cruel. Probably.
“Power: x1000,” he whispered, his eye lighting up. Someone was on the other side. Who? Why at this hour?
He crept up to the door, making sure to keep his footsteps silent, then paused, listening for breathing or voices. There was nothing. He reached for his gun, slowly pulling the hammer down, his finger resting on the trigger, ready to fire at a moment’s notice.
“Hello?” he called out. No one.
He swung the door open, finding… nothing. He looked left, then right, but no one was in the hall. What was going on? Suddenly, something soft touched his feet, and his heart practically jumped out of his chest as he leapt back.
“...Kit?” John said, panting as he slowly recovered from the scare she’d given him. “What the- what are you doing here?”
The fox mentioned for John to follow. He was hesitant but then put his gun away and obeyed, following the fox out of the inn and into the streets. There was probably a reason for this, and even if John had his gun, what could he do? This wasn’t a fight he could win. The road was lit with the lights of the lanterns hanging, casting a dim orange hue onto everything. A few people were walking by, most of them drunk, but no one paid any attention to the strange duo walking toward the forest.
Soon, they were in a secluded area surrounded by trees. There was a flash of light as Kit turned into a human with fox ears and a tail, the moon lighting up her pink hair but shadowing her face, hiding her expression. The only thing visible were her pink eyes, glaring at John in the dark.
“I was awake, you know.”
“...what?”
“I didn’t die nearly as quickly. Everyone else died immediately. I could tell. The fires of their souls were snuffed out, just like that. But I’m a Mystic. Even if I’m in the form of a fox, I’m not all that weak. I’m not as strong as I could be, but it would be a shame if I were to truly be as weak as a fox, would I not?”
She stepped toward John, and he involuntarily took a step back. He wouldn’t normally be afraid, but he knew where this was going.
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“So I was awake. I died eventually, but not immediately.”
She leaned over him, pinning him to a tree. John could feel her breath as her face got close to his, their heads practically touching.
“And that gave me enough time to see that you were, in fact, not dead. I didn’t speak up to anyone about this. Not even Destiny. Not until I get an answer from you first.”
John felt a bead of sweat drop down his cheek as he struggled to control his heartbeat. No [Reset]. No way to get out of this. He deep breath of air and gulped.
“Can you get off of me first?”
“No.”
“This is really uncomfortable, you know.”
“You aren’t speaking as if you’re uncomfortable. Don’t tell me you’re enjoying this?” she smirked.
“Wha- no!” John exclaimed, his nervousness broken by his shock. “What the fuck?!”
“Oh? Are you into men, by any chance?”
“No!” John protested. “What the- how do you even get to that conclusion?”
“I’ve heard that many would give quite a bit to be in your position right now.”
“What the- who are we hearing that from now?”
“Young men desperate for love.”
“You’re an old hag! Why would I be attracted to you?”
Kit frowned. “Enough fooling around. Talk.”
John looked up at Kit. “Get off of me first.”
Kit snorted and backed off just a bit, giving John a little breathing room. He sighed and dusted himself off.
“How much did you see?”
“I’m the one asking questions here.”
“I need to know to know how much I need to explain. It’s not that deep.”
Kit eyed him suspiciously, but then seemed to decide that he was telling the truth. “Not a lot. But it was enough to know that you and your sister aren’t normal. That beam that obliterated Doctor. I saw it. And I saw you alive when it happened.”
Kit stared at John, her eyes staring into his soul. “So what was it?”
John shrugged. “Why do you think I’d know the answer to that?”
“I’ve known for a while that you’re different, child.”
“I’m not-”
“You have the body of a child. You are most definitely younger than me physically, so I will call you child.”
Kit’s friendly, teasing nature was gone. The fangs of the fox were being bared toward John.
“Don’t kid around with me. Your strange energy. Your instincts. Your intuition. It’s not normal. And let’s not forget about the fact that it was likely you who brought us back to life. Or are you going to deny that as well?”
“What if that was Prota?”
“Don’t mess with me. Your sister may have the ability to use Soul Steal, but even dragons cannot bring the dead back to life. Nor can Mystics. The only ones who can do that are the gods, but they cannot do that either as they cannot interfere with this world. The things you muttered in your sleep, too. You muttered strange things. About things not mattering. About being able to salvage everything. So tell me, John Quarta. What are you?”
John sighed and closed his eyes. He was cornered. At this point, Kit was fully convinced she knew the truth. She did know the truth. No matter what he said, he wouldn’t be getting out of this. And at this point, he was honestly just tired of lying. Of trying to keep up appearances.
It was time to let everything out of the bag.
“Can I sit?”
“...so you will talk.”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure.”
John slumped against the tree, exhausted. He wasn’t sure why he was hiding it in the first place. To tell someone their life was just a [Story] was honestly just terrible, but letting Kit know about [Resets] was probably fine, right?
Then why did you tell Prota about the world?
She could handle it. She had to handle it. She would’ve been left behind otherwise. And she’s doing fine, isn’t she?
“Do you remember a while ago, when I told you there was a way I could win against you?”
“...yes,” Kit said, eyeing John suspiciously.
“Have you ever heard of the concept of regressing?”
“The act of moving back in time, often after dying. Many Mystics have tried to do it, but… hold on, are you saying-”
“Yeah. I am.”
“Then…”
“It’s just as I said. I can’t lose. It’s not a statement out of shallow pride. It’s just a true statement.”
Kit nodded, but then snapped back to attention.
“Hold on. You didn’t answer my question. You brought us back to life. Something killed Doctor. What was that? Who are you?”
“Kit,” John said, exasperated. “I don’t want to answer that question.”
“Why? What are you hiding?”
“Nothing,” John said. “I explained this a long time ago. Knowledge isn’t always a blessing. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.”
“But-”
“I won’t explain,” John said. “What are you gonna do if I don’t? Kill me?”
“You can just regress-”
“No. I don’t have the privilege to do that anymore. So you can try it. Kill me. See what happens.”
John leaned back and closed his eyes. He was tired. On one hand, he was feeling a new kind of energy, a sort of elation from talking about this with someone, but on the other hand, there were so many things to worry about. So many things to think about.
“That’s why I’m telling you. Don’t ask. I’m not going to answer.”
“What?”
“Kit. You all think you’re gods, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Even that Celeste person you worship is not truly a god.”
“You dare-”
“Celeste abides by rules!” John yelled. “There are rules to things. Rules to creation, destruction, and even gods! Do you know who makes all those rules?!”
“What? Mana! The goddess is the one who commands all the mana in the universe, but even she cannot do what mana cannot!” Kit exclaimed.
“Yeah? Then why doesn’t she come and solve everything on her own?” John said. “Why are there still demons? Why does she summon a hero? She can’t interfere with this world, can she?!”
Kit paused. “I…”
“Do you know, Kit? How many times you died to Doctor because of something that exists outside of this world? How many times you tried to save Destiny and how many times you died as a result? How many times you were impaled, stabbed, crushed, broken, over and over, forcing me to reset, over and over and over, watching everyone die while I couldn’t do anything about it?”
“I- I lost?”
“No shit you lost!” John yelled. “Would I have come back if you guys had won? No, no, you lost. You all lost. You weren’t supposed to lose, but you did, and I had to watch it all! It was terrible! This is why it’s never worth it to care about [Characters]!”
Kit was about to protest. [Character]? Why had John said it like that? What did he mean? Something about how they weren’t supposed to lose? And had he really gone through all that? Something didn’t seem quite right, as if she were missing a piece from the puzzle. But when she looked back into his eyes, she saw something she’d never seen before.
Raw, unfiltered fatigue. She was staring into the eyes of a puppet. Soulless. Empty. Void. It was the look Prota had seen more than a year ago when she’d first met John.
“I’m so tired, Kit. I never wanted to work for all this. I never asked to be put in this world. But I’m here. And I’m working. And even though it’s harder for me in so many ways, I’d rather have all of you than not. So don’t make this any harder for me than it needs to be.”
Kit paused. She remembered something John had said a long time ago.
You know? A lot of people are afraid of death. But it’s the living that get punished the most. Because they’re the ones that have to feel the pain of being left behind.
If… if John truly regressed, then he was always the one that was left living. Always the one who had to lose. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was like. To only be able to lose everyone. Even if he brought people back, were they truly the one’s he’d known before he regressed? She didn’t understand. But to understand something like this without experiencing it was impossible in the first place.
“Olivia. I- I brought Olivia back too,” John gasped, laughing. “I didn’t even need her! Why did I do it? Seriously. What drove me to do something like that?” It was unnerving. Kit could feel it then. That she was standing in front of someone on the brink of insanity.
Maybe he’d already gone insane.
“I barely know her! I just didn’t want Danjo to be sad. I don’t know why I did that, either! Why should I care if Danjo is sad? It’s an endless struggle, isn’t it? I can’t win, I can’t lose, I just exist, pushed around by the [Plot], and yet I’ve promised to fight against it…”
The small part of John’s brain that was hadn’t broken just yet knew. He shouldn’t be venting to this fox. She was sly. She was, well, a fox. Besides, she didn’t even know what he was talking about.
But maybe that was better. It felt good to let it all out. He could never let this out on Prota. He trusted her, but she would feel burdened with the knowledge. She would try to do something about it. Until she, too, grew as a person, this wasn’t something he could entrust her with.
Kit, on the other hand, wasn’t someone to do something about this. She would leave him alone.
“So don’t ask me how I did what I did, alright? It’s just better for everyone if we don’t know.”
Kit lowered her head, taking a step back. “I… I’m sorry. I-”
“Don’t be,” John scoffed. “It’s not your fault anyway. It’s that bastard’s fault.”
“Who?”
“Who else? The ‘real’ god of this world.”
Kit felt a shudder run down her spine. John had just given her a hint, and now that she had that hint… she wanted to think about it, but something instinctive in her warned her not to. It was akin to a sense of survival, as if going too deep would make it so she could never return. As if it was knowledge that was never meant to be known.
“Kit. Don’t worry about me betraying you, alright? I wouldn’t have brought you back if I was going to kill you all anyway.”
“How did you even-”
“Don’t ask.”
Kit nodded, looking very weary. After all, this was a lot to take in. There was just one more thing she wanted to know.
“...how many times?”
“What?”
“How many times did you die?”
That question seemed familiar.
“A lot.”
“A number, please.”
John paused. “Why do you care?”
“I just… want to know.”
“It was a lot. I stopped counting after around… six hundred?”
That was true. Zero had kept count for him after that. He didn’t feel like giving her the real number. And technically, Doctor had only ever killed her about that many times. He wouldn’t count the deaths he’d accumulated fighting against Diaboli.
“Six hundred- what?” Kit exclaimed. “You died-”
“It’s in the past. We can’t do anything about it now.”
“...why are you telling me all this?” Kit said sadly. “You could’ve lied. I’m sure someone like you could’ve gotten away with this.”
“Why not tell you?” John said in a strained voice. “I don’t have a reason to hide anything. Kit. You can’t threaten me with anything. If I’m hiding something, it’s not because I’m afraid. It’s really because it benefits no one if I reveal the truth.”
Kit nodded slowly. She was starting to understand the burden he carried.
“...John. You look like you could use a shoulder to lean on.”
“Hm?” John looked up. “Heh. Why would you say that?”
“You look tired.”
John flinched, scrambling to cover it up. “Ah… I guess I am. I said it already, didn’t I?”
“Then… thank you. For trusting me.”
“I told you, it’s not about trust. It’s just better that some people don’t know,” John said, waving her away. “I don’t think you’re any happier now that you’re informed, right?” He got up to leave, but he was stopped one last time.
“Your sister. Does she know?”
John laughed. “Of course she knows. She [Resets], too.”
“She-”
“Ah, but not nearly as much as me. I pulled a little trick. She’s strong, though. Incredibly so. I’m glad. I was worried about that, but now, I think it’s fine. Honestly, she might just be stronger than me.”
“Then her talent-”
“Her magic talent is all her,” John said, shaking her head. “Well, I guess I trained her a little, but it was mostly just her. Her mental fortitude… I helped with that a little, too, but no, she’s just strong on her own. Incredible, right?”
“I- I see,” Kit said, speechless. John nodded, his lips curving into a small smile for just a moment.
“Ah. I think it goes without saying that we don’t talk about this, right?”
“I thought you said-”
“Kit. Do you really think Destiny would be happy if he knew about all this? Would this make him any better off?”
“I- Yes. I understand.”
“Good. I’m going back to bed.”
John turned, intent on leaving for real this time, but was stopped one last time as Kit put her hand on his shoulder. He stopped, not turning back.
“You… you should rely on your sister more, John.”
“...what?”
“Your fatigue. Your sister really cares for you, John. And she’s a lot more capable than you think. So… maybe try leaning on her a little more. Just as you help her, she can help you. Family is more precious than you might think.”
John closed his eyes as an involuntary smile crept upon his face.
“Ah… Destiny really does have a good teacher. How nice.”