A Betrayal Long Ago
Remembering back now, Leonel could understand why James had reacted that way. When he spoke his truth, saying that James was his closest friend, remembering the details of how it had happened now hit him like a ton of bricks. All content is property © .
His voice had been so cold… So detached… So emotionless… It was as though he had said it all perfunctorily, as though he was shaking his head toward a child that had disappointed him rather than been heartbroken at the betrayal of a friend.
By that point, he had already disassociated, ripping that part of himself out and ignoring it like he always had. Even when he knew that James had betrayed them during the biggest game of the year, Leonel hadn't said a word, just silently finding a method to win anyway… Just like he always did.
He didn't approach James, he didn't ask him what was wrong, he just did things as he pleased, finding a solution that could 'please' everyone. James got to appease whoever had commanded him to lose by making it obvious he had done his best, and Leonel got what he wanted: another victory.
When the two met in the locker room, Leonel could remember how livid James had been.
"… You knew you get the unnecessary roughness call, right?"
"I know you too well. You don't like to lose, but you're too soft-hearted to call me out on my bullshit too. So you'd find a way to protect our friendship and ignore it, all while winning the big game anyway. Am I right?"
"If you knew I needed your help, why couldn't you lose this one time?! This is just a game, isn't it?! You've already won it three times, did you really need to win a fourth?! You don't even want to be a quarterback!"
The words still rung in Leonel's head, even down to James eventually apologizing. At least then Leonel had still been able to lace his words with some sort of emotion, some sort of understanding and sympathy. But, afterward… he seemed to have completely lost that ability.
While he stood there months later, Aina gone from his side, his body beaten and tired, an entire Fortress of enemies eagerly waiting to take his head… Leonel hadn't truly felt the weight of the events.
He had been confused by James' words. He even remembered thinking them to be a jumbled mess of nonsense. He had even somewhat arrogantly thought that this was just another case of James not being quite eloquent enough to say what he needed to say, another example of his imperfect best friend displaying his lack of value to the world.
But could Leonel still love him now? Even after such a betrayal? Was that even possible?
"You're a fucking sociopathic hypocrite!"
The world seemed to go white for Leonel. Leonel remembered that he said many more words after that, words that had even left James as white as a sheet and as silent as a mouse. But, in his ears now, those words seemed to ring hollow.
Leaving James speechless wasn't a feat. Hadn't he arrogantly proclaimed that his so-called best friend wasn't very good with words to begin with?
It was ironic. He loved James like a brother, and James could be said to be the very reason he didn't become the sort of person who could treat human lives like weeds. And yet… in order to come to that conclusion to begin with… hadn't he needed to assign some value to James? Didn't he need to mark him down as someone worthy or unworthy? Make a list of his deficiencies before deciding whether or not he was still worth loving or not? Whether he was still worthy of being his friend?
When you thought about what that truly meant, it was sick… As though Leonel thought of James like a little pet project of his, a poor little boy who no one else wanted but that was okay because Leonel would take him under his wings anyway.
Maybe James, in all his simplicity, could actually feel Leonel's true intent. While everyone else only saw Leonel for what he showed to the world, James saw Leonel for what he was… In all his flaws, some far more tragic than others.
It couldn't be said that James was a good person. It was the direct opposite, in fact. He had put his own selfish desires above even the safety of Leonel's life. Maybe he had told himself that he would be able to use his influence over his father to ensure that Leonel would live even after being caught. But, that would have been nothing more than a coping mechanism for his own cowardice in being unable to stand up to his own father.
However, this had only made it easier for Leonel to ignore his own flaws.
James was the only person who knew him so intimately, the only person who understood how his brain worked and how he saw the world. Even if James couldn't put it into words, how would he have felt knowing that he was just another calculation to Leonel? An odd quirk in an otherwise logical world that Leonel was so fascinated by that he just had to keep him by his side?
Maybe James wouldn't have been able to express exactly that in words, but he would have felt it… That sort of lingering inferiority… The kind that cast the mind into a perpetual, endless darkness… The very same kind of darkness he couldn't escape from in his own family and father…
It probably would have felt to James that the friend he thought would always have his back had betrayed him long ago… That what they had built their friendship upon was nothing but a bed of lies that Leonel had concocted…
Everything seemed to hit Leonel all at once. Like a rushing tsunami, it crashed into him, burying him deep.
He suddenly found that he couldn't breathe, his face turning blue and his body suddenly not functioning properly anymore. Everything wanted to shut down around him.