Cleveland comes back the next day, hands all full of presents like an uncle coming back from a sea voyage, which wasn’t too far from the truth. “Your door was unlocked, bro.” Cleveland looks around for Troy, kicking the door closed behind him. “I got you some fukkin’ treats! Come get yer treats before I yank on yer teats!” Troy is nowhere to be found. Cleveland stands in the living room with his hands on his hips, making little farting sounds with his lips. A thinking sound. Cleveland walks to the kitchen. No Troy. Cleveland peeks in the garage, not there either. He pulls out his phone and dials Troy. He hears a ringing coming back from the living room “Fukkin’ dummy, left his phone...” Cleveland trails off when he gets to the living room. It sounds like the phone is coming from behind the front curtain behind the couch. The curtain twitches and Troy lunges out at Cleveland, shouting “yaaaaaa ya motherfucker!” Cleveland briefly considers pissing his pants, but Troy is laughing now with his hands on his knees. “What the fuck?!” Cleveland shouts “You know I have a bum ticker! I eat like four Big Macs a day you retard!” Troy stands up, still laughing “I got you good, you should have seen your face, you looked like a big daffy idiot, hee hee.”
”great” Cleveland says “good joke, hide behind the curtain and scare good ol Cleveland, pretty funny, haw haw.” Troy has stopped laughing now and wipes away a tear. “I wasn’t waiting for you, but that shit was perfect timing.” Cleveland says “then who were you waiting for behind a curtain?” Troy looks at him solemnly “those hobo ass bitches. They came by my house the other day and I raked one in the face, then they got all cry-ey on me. I almost felt bad until one of them stole my rake. Gonna catch those suckers.” Cleveland says “yeah, and what are you going to do with them when you catch them?”
”Shut up Cleveland” Troy says “you don’t need to know everything. Also, what you got for me? Where’s my treats from overseas?” Cleveland says “I don’t think I want to give them to you any more, you stolen rake havin’ motherfucker. You scarin’ ass curtain hidin’ scoundrel.” Troy laughs and Cleveland joins him. Funny good buddy talk. “I got ‘em right here. Boink. Hold out your fukkin’ hand and close your eyes, and I shall giveth thee a dick surprise.” “Oh good, just what I always wanted.” But Troy complies. He doesn’t want to know where Cleveland is hiding those seeds. He has been known to stuff things up the ‘ol downspout from time to time when the going got tough.
Troy hears rustling and feels something being placed in his hand. “Okay! Open up your peepers you fukkin’ guppy!” Cleveland shouts in a grandstanding voice. Troy opens. There’s a little pile of glassine baggies, each one packed with seeds.”hell yeah!” Troy looks at them closely “which one is which?” Cleveland shrugs “I don’t know, the old guy gave them to me that way. They’re all vegetables I think, you’ll just have to see when they come up I guess.” Troy examines them closer “these aren’t like, illegal plant seeds or some shit, right? I don’t want some coca bush or fukkin’ weed plant to start growing on my front lawn.” “Jesus.” Cleveland says “try to do a guy a favor. You ever hear about looking a guest horse in the mouth?” Troy looks at him “a guest horse?” “Yeah” Cleveland says “a guest horse, you know, like, the horse is a guest. You don’t disrespect a guest by looking in his mouth.” Troy “You mean a gift horse?” Cleveland puts his hand to his forehead, thinking. “Whatever. No, they won’t turn into illegal plants, just, you know, I would put them in some different bags. And wash your hands afterward.” Cleveland smiles with a shit eating grin. “I fukkin’ knew it you dirty bastard” Troy runs to the kitchen and drops the bags into the sink and starts washing his hands under scalding water. “Why you always have to do that? Am I the only one that you bring things to straight out of your butthole?”
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
”Pretty much” Cleveland inspects his nails as Troy walks back into the living room, “I didn’t really have to do it, I just like to get things nice and juicy for you, ‘ol buddy ‘ol pal.” Cleveland gives Troy a winning smile. Troy makes a gagging sound. “Okay, I’m out of here, got some more shit I have to unload” Clevelands says “get them seeds in the ground asap. That’s according to the old guy, he says if they get too dried out they might not sprout or some shit. I couldn’t really understand him too well. He has a crazy ass accent. I see why he nods a lot. By the way, this one’s on the house, you just have to give me some of that sweet shit that comes out of the ground if you can ever figure out how to work the end of a garden hose.” Cleveland slaps his head “wait, I forgot who I was talking to, you can probably make a four dollar hooker blush with your little slippery fingers, gettin’ that hose all blowing out squirt streams and whatnot.”
Troy flips Cleveland’s shirt over his head and starts slapping his belly, “I’ll show you some slippery fingers you pudgy butthole...” Something small and plastic pops out of Cleveland’s voluminous belly button. Troy stops and lets Cleveland’s shirt fall. Cleveland stoops quick to pick up the object, shoving it quickly into his pocket. Troy says “what was that?” Cleveland tucks his shirt back in and starts heading for the door, “alright buddy, catch you later!” Troy hops in front of Cleveland, blocking the door. “Oooo, you got something you don’t want me to see! Gimme! Gimme! Give baby his present!”