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DIANA
1.6 (Felix)

1.6 (Felix)

It was getting late. Felix was sitting alone at a table, finishing his last pint. As much as he might resist the truth of it... today hadn't been so bad. Isaac had 'I told you so' rights whenever he next showed up.

He had never returned once he disappeared, and Maria had left a few hours ago. Since then Felix had been contemplating in solitude. Analysing his actions while emptying seven or so glasses. The conversation had gone reasonably well, he thought. It certainly could have gone a lot worse... but his blunders kept repeating in his mind. One in particular:

"Do you have any family up here on Luna?" He had asked.

She swallowed before answering. "It's just me and my son."

He hoped that the minor surprise on his face read as nothing more than minor surprise. But he feared that she had seen it as some form of disappointment. Now, hours later, Felix was concerned that some part of him really was disappointed. That she'd seen straight through the surface, to the truth of it. Whatever. He had no energy left for that class of self-assessment, not even when he was sober.

Regardless, the misstep clearly hadn't been catastrophic. He'd tried to recover with a 'must be tough' or something similar; and she'd gone on to say:

"I'm with this... group. And they're incredible. They've really helped me make sense of things up here. And they're so good with Sol."

Felix had smiled, then the conversation moved somewhere else.

Hours passed, and with each exchanged word Felix felt himself returning. Impressions of the confident person he had once been re-emerging, like a hand pressed from the other side of a curtain. In the end, she checked the time on her handheld and apologetically cut the conversation short.

"I'm sorry. Some friends are looking after my son, I have to pick him up now." She rummaged a pen from her pocket and scrawled something onto a coaster. Then slid it across the table as she stood and pocketed her handheld. Her number was written across the small map of California.

"It was nice to meet you Felix."

"You too."

And then he was alone.

For the first time in a long, long time. Some orange embers began to glow within the mound of barely smouldering ashen coals. And then, in a panic, brought on from perhaps nothing more than the basic and primal aversion to change; he doused the pile in water such that no hopeful fire could catch.

Empty glasses began to tile the table as he spun the coaster in his hands. Almost smudging the number to a point of illegibility.

He drank. Feeling his sphere of awareness shrink as the hours progressed. From the whole bar, to just his table, to the space immediately around his body - then to the confines of his own skull. In the cramped space his thoughts bounced. Bumping into walls and crashing into each other. Getting hotter and angrier like commuters crammed into a subway car.

They buzzed and multiplied, brewing from anger to hate within the crucible. There was no action taken nor word spoken. So the pressure was never relieved, it only grew.

How quickly a glimmer of positivity had been overpowered. Was this just how it worked? Was he doing this to himself? Circles and circles.

Something from outside was trying to enter now. Some input from some sense:

"...sident Cast's statement on the dramatic scenes from within Kodes HQ this evening. Channel 2 will keep you updated as this shocking story develops. And now the weather."

Stupid joke. He thought, a gag picked up by Lunar news anchors that had now become something of a tradition.

He groaned and pushed his fists into his eyes. 'President' Cast was certainly getting a fair dose of celebrity today... she was probably loving it.

Something clicked, and now the steam of anger had a direction to point to.

Maybe he'd go pay her a visit.

The stumble from the table to an ant outside wasn't as bad as some in recent memory. He keeled headfirst through the door and crashed softly onto a seat. Before lethargically selecting the top, north most of the minor domes: Red.

As the ant began to trundle away, he refined his selection of destination - hitting pretty close to her house.

He slapped himself awake and tried to appear a bit more proper, as the ant's colourful interior lights resolved to a solid and darkened red.

A stifled hiccup squeaked from his mouth as the ant slowed to a stop and the doors raised open. It took a while to clamber out onto the street. Once he managed the minor acrobatics, he had to wrestle with the Grip. As he'd planted his feet in an awkward orientation such that he had to unstick himself before he could walk.

During the ordeal, he suspected someone might've spotted him. As when he finally approached the tall security gate, it was already open.

He avoided eye contact with any guards as he hurried through. And then swiftly strode up the gravel path towards her house.

Perhaps there should have been some reservation as he reached the front door. But there wasn't. He pounded the door three times with a loose fist.

When she opened the door, Robyn cycled through concern, shock, then amused bewilderment. Before stepping back and opening the door wide, inviting him inside wordlessly.

This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

He swayed slightly on his heels, and then Felix Cast crossed the threshold into his sister's home.

"You know, of all the people that I thought may be visiting me tonight you were not one of them." She was saying behind him as he sauntered inside.

Her place was a mess. Shoes were piled by the front door, small scraps of detritus spotted the floor and every surface was buried beneath assortments of unorganised mess.

"Don't get me wrong, it's nice to see you. But y'know, a message would be nice." She continued. On one side a wine bottle stood next to a half-full glass.

"I just thought I'd stop by..." He said as he reached for the bottle. She snatched it away before he could grab it and placed it aside.

"Just thought you'd stop by?" She said. "Well, you're supposed to, aren't you? When was the last time I saw you, like, 3 months ago? It was supposed to be every two weeks. Remember? That's what we agreed when you somehow convinced me you didn't need therapy."

He grimaced. "It's been tough."

"I know" She said, comfort dripping from the two syllables. "I sympathise with that, especially right now. But I have explained that it's not exactly fair on me to-"

"How was your day?" He spoke over her. Resistance flushed her face for a second before she dropped it.

"Fine." She began. "I was in a meeting for most of it. Right now I'm just trying to sort out a few last things then get an early night. I've got an early shuttle tomorrow for Earth. They're holding the UN summit at one of the orbital stations, so I've got a two day trip..."

She droned on. Lying. Obviously omitting the parts Felix was asking about. Now who wasn't being fair. This was why he never bothered checking in. She'd got so into her role that now she was even answering his questions like a fucking politician. An anger bubbled and burst through the bounds of silence.

"Speak to me!" He shouted. Her mouth snapped shut and expression steeled. She stared at the floor and knotted her hands for a few moments before meeting his eyes again.

"You want the truth? I'm stressed." She seized her glass of wine and finished it. "The summit is the first piece of diplomacy since you know what and it's looking like we're gonna get slaughtered. Then, I'll get back just in time for the wedding, where I'll get my face pushed into whatever mess I made at the summit. But I suppose the factor that you want me to admit is today's developments. And yes, the surprise terrorist isn't bloody helping... Happy?"

Felix retreated a step. Why had he wanted this again? He couldn't remember.

"Okay." She said, "Now you. Speak to me. Why are you here?"

"It's been a weird day..." He trailed off.

"That's not fair. If I'm honest with you, I should get honesty in return. Especially when I haven't heard from you in-"

"Leave me alone." The words were completely instinctual, no thinking part of him meant them.

"Leave you alone? That's what I have been doing! For three months."

"It's just been hard." He said.

"One message during three months isn't hard."

"How would you know?"

She seemed offended. "Christ Felix you're not the only one struggling." The complete drop of sympathy struck him harder than he thought it would. The heat of the anger in his mind was contained no longer.

"Oh no! I'm sure your job and responsibilities are grating. I'm sure it's exhausting to sit in a meeting room for hours while Crane and the others run Luna for you. Let me guess what was said today: 'Oh! don't worry yourself with this Madam President, we'll sort all this out. You just keep rehearsing your lines for the summit.' - I'm in charge of this shithole as much as you are."

Her eyes burned with the unmatched power of rage in union with sadness. "Is that why you came here today? To insult me? Tear at my character?"

Wait, no. That wasn't why he'd come was it? How had this gone wrong so quickly?

"Well you'll have to try harder." She said, throwing her arms up into a shrug. "You think I don't know that? You think I'm some delusional megalomaniac, that I can't handle an attack on my authority?"

"No, I-"

"I know that I'm far more a figurehead than an actual politician. I know that Luna would collapse if it were left solely up to me. But I don't cry about that, I don't hide from that and I don't give up playing my role."

"Everybody's playing their role." Felix grumbled. "This Void-Woman is just the latest performance. The gossipers get to play journalist, the children get to play soldier and you get to play leader."

"Why? Did you come here tonight?" Her voice was low and unassailable.

"Because I know what's gonna happen now. You're gonna spend the next weeks chirping about crime rates and employment and scientific breakthroughs. Drowning everybody in just how legitimate a state Luna is."

"Why wouldn't Luna be a legitimate state?" She was still steadfast.

"A question that isn't even a question." He shook his head as he spoke. "We've just convinced ourselves it is with all the distractions and performances and media streams." He let the moment hang in the air before unleashing it. The truth. The fact that Robyn had once seen but was now blind to. She couldn't see it through the fog of ersatz society that was of her own making.

"A city on the fucking Moon will never not be ridiculous." Her expression didn't break. "You're gonna repeat the same shit you always have: We won! We escaped the corporate greed that destroyed Earth! - But we didn't win. They forced us to flee to The Moon. Have you forgotten how absurd that is?"

"Not at all."

"This socialist promised land you led us to is a utopia without oxygen. A million square miles of nothing. We live in caves and force our kids and babies to grow wrong. That is if they even make it out of the womb alive, given all the radiation."

Felix continued: "They won, Robyn. And they have every right to laugh at us as we pride ourselves as a bastion of democracy and freedom... Where the only spot of ground that doesn't lead to agonising death is trapped under a dome."

"What do you suggest we do then?" She snapped. "Give up? All start waxing about how we live in a lie encased in misery?"

Felix had hoped that the release of pressure from his mind would at least make him feel better. But if anything he felt worse. Why did he even come here?

"And my fake government." Robyn continued. "Should I quit? Should we all not bother? Is that what you're suggesting, anarchism? What are you fucking 12?"

"No I-"

"No, of course not. You're just taking up the bold and academic practice of vaguely pointing in the direction of problems without even a hint of a suggestion of answers." She took a few steps closer. "I am sorry that the promise of a brave new world fell through for you. But I still believe in the Luna experiment. And I will play my part in it."

He was sorry. That's all he needed to say. I'm sorry. He'd made a mess, for no reason. Just spreading anger to another person and inflicting sadness. But he'd never be able to say it. To apologise. It would open too much. He just spun on his heel and tried to flee wordlessly. He made it as far as the door.

"Wait!" She called from behind. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He felt her crash into his back and wrap her arms around his chest. "I- I didn't mean. I'm so sorry. There's just a lot going on right now."

He turned himself to face her and joined her in embrace. He wrapped his arms around her head and rested his chin on her hair. For as long as he could remember, they had always had the right height difference for his head to rest perfectly on hers when they hugged. All four arms tightened, and for a moment the universe faded away.

When they released, her eyes were shiny with the precursor of tears.

"Just... Don't make it three months next time." She said, lightly pounding his chest. She spun away and dragged both hands through her hair, facing away from him.

Felix stepped back across the threshold and into the sunlit 'night'.

"I'll apologise when I'm sober." He said, then pulled the door closed.