One moment, perpetual slacker Aubrey Graham was in his room cranking hog to Twitter lewds of Brazilian Hatsune Miku; the next, a semi-truck fell out of the back of the cargo bay of C-17 Globemaster III passing overhead and obliterated his apartment, sending him to Another World. (Consider this fate the next time you find cheap rent next to an army base.)

After he met with the Goddess and accepted his role as the Destined Hero of Prophecy, he arrived in a blinding pillar of light and headed into the Narrows, whereupon he found a stuck-up blonde elf getting her ethereal, fair-skinned milkers molested by a hideous, slavering goblin.

It was clear she was meant to be the first in his harem of impossibly erotic yet bafflingly compliant waifus, so he drew his Gift from the Goddess—The Sword That Can One-Shot Anything—and lopped the little green cretin's head clean off.

And that, dear reader, is where the trouble started.

"Murderer!" The elf cried, cradling the creature's headless corpse like Michelango's Pietà.

"Murderer?!" He repeated in shock. "I just saved your life!"

"You ruined it!" She wailed through bitter tears. "He was going to drag me into the breeding tunnels!"

"Y-yeah," Aubrey agreed in mounting confusion. "You would have been bred against your will."

"That's right," the elf nodded, sniffling as she rocked back and forth. "They would have made me their seedbed. I was going to be swollen and bulging, tied up and gravid with goblin whelps, a broodmare to be used over and over until my feeble flesh succumbed to exhaustion."

She broke down, inconsolable, her body wracked by heaving sobs.

"R-right," he said, wondering if this world had any insane asylums with open vacancies. "So we agree: I saved your life."

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Her head snapped up. "I WAS GOING TO BE A MOTHER, YOU PRICK!"

Just then, a guard approached on horseback. "You there! What seems to be the trouble?"

She was an ember-tressed officer who wore either a 30G or 32DDD bra under her tight blue uniform. Probably plain black. As an expert on tits, Aubrey could tell just by looking.

Naturally, she would be the second member of the harem.

"I'm glad you're here, Officer," he said in his most gallant tone. "This elf was being molested by a goblin and I saved her. I'm the Destined Hero of Prophecy."

He hit her with the pearly whites. Girls love the pearly whites.

"You have no traveling papers then, " she said, somehow unimpressed. She looked to the sniffling elf. "Is it true, ma'am? Did this Outworlder kill the goblin?"

"It's true," she murmured, her voice distant and despondent. "He's a murderer."

Aubrey leaned in and whispered, "You might want to find a padded room for this one. Bit of schizo."

"Indeed." The Officer levelled her radiant emerald eyes. God, he was looking forward to the strip search. "And you said you were the Destined Hero?"

"The One and Only!" He beamed, planting his hands on his hip. "Point me at the Demon King and I'll be your benevolent emperor for life by sun down."

"I bet." She drew a taser from her duty belt. "Your kind are always looking to swing your dicks."

Before he could ask what she meant, two small barbs pierced Aubrey's chest and sent 50,000 volts coursing through his body. He collapsed in the dusty road, limbs crumpled like a freshly stomped spider.

"Dispatch, this is Officer Kindlewood," she spoke into her walkie talkie. "We got a 187 in the Narrows. Victim is a goblin. Uh huh. Perp claims to be the Destined Hero. Yeah, another one. They're like cockroaches."

Whatever was happening, he had to escape. Summoning his newfound heroic strength, Aubrey grit his teeth and promptly pissed myself. Seconds later, Officer Kindlewood's knee jabbed into his back, pinning him to the dirt.

"You have the right to remain silent. If you do not remain silent, you forfeit your rights and I am authorized by the decree of the Demon King to execute you here and now, without trial."

𝑊𝑒𝑙𝑙, Aubrey thought, 𝑎𝑡 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝐼 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑠.

The elf wiped her tears. "Is he going to jail, officer?"

Officer Kindlewood yanked Aubrey upright. He slumped in her grip, struggling to stand on his trembling, piss-soaked legs. "That's right, Ma'am. Heavens willing, they fry him."

"Good," the elf said. She gingerly set the goblin's body aside, stormed up, and spat in his face. "Rot in hell, homewrecker!"

As Aubrey blacked out, he thought about all the Brazilian Miku lewds he was missing on twitter.