Arthur and Lily had to handle navigating home themselves, but Philbin pointed them in the right direction and the high-speed-cart transit system took care of them from there. They got mildly turned around once they got off the carts and were wandering looking for a familiar sight when the beast made its appearance.

“What is that?” Lily asked, startling herself to a stop. “It’s like… a cloud? A stormcloud?”

A jet black shape was moving towards them, small puffs of black dust shaking off it with every step. It was vaguely humanoid, but hunched over, taking staggering steps between bouts of filthy, dust-expelling coughs.

“Get behind me, Lily.” Arthur swept Lily towards the wall of the narrow street, standing in front of her. He wished he had brought one of Milo’s daggers with him now. He had no idea what this was, but it didn’t seem good.

How is something like this wandering around the capitol? The guards should have… Oh, the guards!

Arthur almost got the scream for help out before the figure stopped him, with nothing more than a single hoarsely spoken sentence.

“Arthur. You have to help me find the hotel,” the figure said. “I can’t see through all this coal dust. I overdid things.”

“Milo?!”

“Oh, yeah, it’s me.” Milo coughed out some more coal dust. “I was working with some processors today, trying to figure out some things about forge coal.”

“And this happened? How?” Arthur asked.

“I may have tried to build a crushing machine. And then I may have tried to run it without testing it.”

“Is the building okay?” Lily asked. “I remember when that threshing machine went sideways on you. It took out a whole side of the shop.”

“Everything is fine. Except me. I was standing by the output chute.”

Controlling his own laughter, Arthur sent Lily to find directions home while he knocked on a nearby door and begged for a bucket of water. It wasn’t nearly enough to clean Milo, but the water washed off just enough of the coal dust that Arthur’s smith friend could at least see clearly.

“Thanks. They tried to hose me off there, but it’s hard to get someone clean in a place that processes coal,” Milo coughed.

“I wonder if Ulan can send someone to hose you off before you go inside. Just to get the bulk of it clean,” Arthur said.

“I’d hate to bother him.” Milo shook his head, expelling little dots of black onto Arthur as he did. “It’s not really his job.”

“No, but cleaning the bathtubs is. This seems better than that.”

They made it home, finding that Ulan was more than happy to work a water-pump handle over Milo so long as it kept the coal dust outside of his clean rooms. Arthur and Lily decided it was a good enough show to watch, and tried not to laugh too much as Milo shivered and semi-dissolved into a growing black puddle.

“Why is my son in the yard getting doused by a laughing elephant demon?” Ella asked. “It’s funny, I’m also curious.”

“He got very into coal processing today, I think,” Arthur said. “Which doesn’t really seem all that necessary, considering we have coal people in town.”

“Oh, you know how he is.” Minos walked up and joined the spectators in giggling at his son. They could almost see individual feathers on Milo now, rather than a thick layer of coal sludge. “Necessary has never been his thing when it came to smithing.”

“You all could help, you know,” Milo said. “There must be something that would make this go faster.”

“We could set you on fire!” Lily said. “We’d have to let you dry off first, but that would probably work.”

“Never mind. Please keep going, Ulan. And don’t let them explode me, if you can help it,” Milo said glumly.

“Oh, I’d never do that, Milo.” Ulan continued working the pump, grinning in a restrained, professional kind of way. “It might disturb the other guests. I can’t allow that to happen. This is a distinguished inn, you see.”

After Milo was finally clean enough that he wasn’t actively inking up any surface he stepped on, Ulan sent him upstairs to finish the job with a shower and plenty of soap. Arthur and Lily ordered a late lunch at a sandwich shop near the inn, joined by Ella and Minos.

“You don’t want me to order you something?” Arthur asked. “I feel bad eating in front of you two.”

“We’ve been eating all day, Arthur. Four meals, so far,” Minos explained.

“Why so many?” Arthur relented and crunched into his own toasted sandwich, immediately embracing by a perfect mix of condiments and meat. “It sounds uncomfortable.”

“They were small meals. Cooks know what to serve to other cooks when they visit. But still, quite a bit of food. And more to come, if my wife has her way.”

“Oh, shush.” Ella elbowed Minos in the ribs, softly. “My poor husband, getting to eat the best food in the world all day for free. How will he ever survive?”

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

“I suppose I’ll be fine. And what were you kids up to today?” Minos asked. “Ella already checked in your presentation. It sounds like it went fine?”

“It went good enough that I’m not embarrassed.” Arthur fished a pickle out of a side-dish and ate it. This place knew their stuff. It cut through the grease in his mouth, leaving him with the perfect palate for his next bite of sandwich. “Which is great. Better than I expected.”

“What about tomorrow?” Ella asked. “Are you teaching about tea?”

“Not yet. Tomorrow I have Milo’s help,” Arthur said. “Which, now that I think about it, might be interesting. Is there such a thing as a professional bath? I’d rather he be clean for this, if possible.”

Minos smiled.

“Oh, Arthur. You’ve just ruined my plans for the evening.” Ella sighed. “Just look at him.”

“A professional bath, you say?” Minos rubbed his furry hands together. “Yes, I believe there might be something that meets that description.”

“Why does Minos look like he’s plotting a coup?” Arthur looked at Ella with alarm. “Minos, you aren’t going to hurt anyone, right?”

“That, Arthur, depends entirely on your definition of hurt.”

—

“What… is this?” Arthur stared at the building. It was possibly the first truly ugly building he had seen in the Demon World. It was a bright, almost neon green. It was built in an exaggerated, gaudy style, like someone had a bad dream and wanted to inflict it on everyone else.

“Is it shaped like a bathtub on purpose, or did the roof start to cave in?” Arthur asked. “Minos, I know I’m supposed to trust you, or whatever, but…”

“It’s ugly on purpose, Arthur. It’s an acid bath.” Minos looked at it admiringly. “See, acid baths are old now, but they were a new thing once. Nobody had heard of them.”

“I haven’t heard of them, except for stripping metal,” Arthur said.

“They work for that too,” Milo said. “Although usually stronger ones.”

“The point, Arthur, is that the government didn’t trust them. Not initially. Even after they took baths and came out fine, they worried that low-level people or children would use them and get burned. Or melt.”

“You’re really selling me on this. None of what you said sounds fun at all.”

“Oh, stop being a baby,” Milo said. “Wrap your head around this. You have vitality points, right? You go in and tell them how many. And then they customize a bath, just for you, that won’t hurt you but will hurt anything on you. Dirt. Grease. Unbelievable amounts of coal dust that have gotten just everywhere.”

“This sounds like something you need and something I don’t,” Arthur said. “Minos, why do people do this?”

“Because it gets you cleaner.” Minos said. “And it feels hotter even though it isn’t. And then professional bathmasters scrub you with rough sponges until you’re working with an entirely new layer of skin. You don’t like taking showers, Arthur?”

“No, I do.”

“This is ten showers. Maybe twenty. All stacked on each other at once,” Minos said.

“And it won’t melt hair?” Arthur asked.

“Or feathers. I gather it’s a tricky enchantment to make that happen, but they figured it out.”

“Fine. I’ll try it.” Arthur took a deep breath. “But if I melt, it’s you guys who have to explain it to Mizu.”

“Really, Arthur?” Milo laughed. “I mean, I’m scared of her. But you think dad is? My dad? The intrepid explorer?”

“Actually, I kind of am,” Minos said. “Quite a bit, actually.”

“Really?” Milo looked confused. “You face down beasts hundreds of miles from anyone!”

“More to the point, I run from things that look dangerous. Have you seen that girl when something threatens him?” Minos pointed at Arthur. “And she’s always watching things. I think she probably knows my weak points by now. Point is, Arthur, you’ll be fine. I wouldn’t risk it otherwise.”

“You never finished your explanation, though. About why the baths are so ugly,” Arthur said.

“Oh, it was a compromise. They could build them but they had to make absolutely, one hundred percent sure nobody would mistake them for a normal bath. Now they all look this way. You get used to it.”

Inside the building, the garish green was replaced with other shades of green that were not quite tasteful, but were much better than the atrocity on the outside of the building. True to the name, the air in the entire place smelled slightly tangy, like someone crushed a bunch of limes and left them lying around. While Arthur took in the overall weirdness of everything, a young, bright-eyed fox demon approached them, clearly on business.

“Acid bath, sirs?” the attendant asked, brightly, before his eyes settled on Arthur. “Oh, oh no.”

“What?”

“Sir, I’m not sure where you got your bath, but I can assure you it was not here. Our hair retention enchantments simply wouldn’t allow for it, unless we had wildly miscalculated the acid content, which… did we?” The fox’s eyes filled with fear. “Your poor fur. It wasn’t us, was it? We can compensate you. Of course, we can. I don’t suppose you’d want bath vouchers, though, considering…”

Milo and Minos were both on the floor laughing. The fox was so fixated on Arthur’s hair or lack thereof that he didn’t notice. Arthur held up his hand to try and interrupt, but the fox went on.

“I don’t know for sure about hair restoration treatments, although there simply must be some. Something alchemical, or perhaps clerical. You’d want someone with experience with primate-demons, of course. And the capital acid baths would not dream of giving you less. Not a coin will be spared on this, sir, I assure you. I…” Arthur was almost hopping up and down now, trying to break the fox’s panic just long enough to correct him. “Are you… in pain, sir?”

“I’m not in pain. I’m not an ape. I’m not a monkey,” Arthur stated.

“He’s not!” Milo gasped from the ground. “He’s… whooooooo. I can’t. Dad, help.”

“He’s just...” Minos sat up and took a deep breath. “That’s how he always looks. Nobody melted his hair off. He just doesn’t have much to begin with.”

“Oh!” The fox looked pleased for just a split second before the foot in his mouth made its enormous shoe size clear. “Oh, sir, I’m so sorry. To think that you were an ape demon instead of… Sir, forgive me, but…”

“He’s going to do it. He’s still digging.” Milo was laughing so hard now that he began coughing on his own spit. “He’s going to ask.”

“Just what are you, exactly?” the fox asked.

“I’m an offworlder. Something called an Earthling or human. Don’t worry about it.”

“And your fur? It’s… as it should be?”

“It is.”

“Oh, thank the gods.” The attendant’s customer service mask fell completely off. “You have no idea how much trouble I thought we were in. It would have absolutely ruined our reputation. No demon has been melted by acid here, partially or completely, in at least three generations.”

“What happened the last time?” Arthur asked. “Just so I know what to avoid.”

“My understanding is that there was a bet between friends and alcohol was involved.”

“Ah.” Arthur could see himself making the same mistake in some situations. “Checks out. So. Baths? My friend here is covered in coal.”

“Oh, he’s not always that color? I just assumed he was… well, I’m going to stop talking. I’m glad to declare that offworlders have free admission to the baths. It’s not a commonly used discount, but it’s on the books, and I’m going to expand it to include your entire party. For the insult, such as it was,” the fox said.

“Thanks, but why the offworlder discount?” Arthur asked. “For the bear, or something?”

“Frankly, and I shouldn’t be telling you this,” the attendant said, “I think it’s because it gives us experimental data we otherwise wouldn’t have. If we can get an offworlder clean, first try, we can clean anyone. And if we can’t, the innovations we come up with to make it work might be applicable in other ways.”

“Good enough. So…”

“Of course. Right this way.”