I woke to the low rumble of my phone vibrating. I flailed around in a tired stupor until I found it’s source.

“Huhhwha,” I mumbled.

“I’m outside.”

“Who is this?”

“Who do you think? Come outside.” He hung up.

I prepared myself and went out the door. John was waiting in his car.

“You ready to meet this Toblerone guy?”

I chose not to reply and opened the passenger door instead. But the moment I buckled myself in, John got out of his car. He looked down and talked to someone but I couldn’t see who. All I heard him say was, “Just bring it back in one piece.”

The door opened and a young girl with cat ears and a tail entered the vehicle. She wore Ancient Egyptian clothing and was adorned with gold jewelry. Her skin was a dark olive color, her hair long and black. She stood on the seat and grabbed the steering wheel. A pair of cats hopped in after her, one black and one white. They put their front paws on the pedals. She leaned over the wheel trying to find the keys in the ignition. The car started with a low rumble. “Move that,” she said, pointing to the stick. I suddenly feared for my life.

The girl made strange noises with her throat and the white cat pressed on the gas, making the car lurch forward. I offered to drive but she ignored me. Instead she simply hissed instructions of “shift up” or “shift down” at me. We had successfully made it to the end of the neighborhood and it occurred to me that I should have eaten something.

We turned onto the highway and started to head north.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“It’s my job to confirm you obtain certification for marriage. It is also my duty to assist you in finding a marriage officiant.”

“Do we need a priest?” The car came to a lurching halt. Cars angrily honked as they passed by. The girl looked at me with fire in her slit pupils.

“Do you intend to betray Hapi?” She said.

“Uh, forgive me. I was thinking of something different. Who do we need to orchestrate the marriage ceremony?”

She looked doubtful and waited a bit before starting the car up again. I shifted back into first gear.

“You need confirmation from the highest being in this realm, Oberon, king of the forest. He will also suggest an officiant.”

“I see…How long do you think it will take until we see Oberon?”

“We need only to get to the forest and find land that has yet to be touched by humans.”

“That might take a while.”

She didn’t say anything in return. I watched the countless houses rush by and pondered just what untouched land could mean. I saw the mountains ahead of us and began to mentally prepare myself for some hiking. I looked back at the cat girl and realized I still had no idea who she was.

“So, what is your name?”

“I am Bast.”

“Uh, hello Bast….so, how do you know Hapi?”

“I owe Hapi my life as does all of Egypt.”

“How did you learn to drive?”

“Through observation.” She said as she lifted her right shoulder and leaned to the left. My heart left into my mouth as she made a hard right and cut across three lanes into the nearest exit.

“Shift down!” She yelled. We hugged the edge of the off ramp as I frantically jerked the stick around. I was so focused on the speed and the fact that I almost died that I lost track of where we were going. After she pulled off the highway we entered into a neighborhood. After a few minutes the car screeched to a halt.

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“We’re here.”

“Wait wait wait wait. Wait. What?”

“Did you not hear me?” she said.

“No I heard you.” I looked around. There was nothing but houses in this area. Not even a park. “You’re telling me this is good enough?”

Instead of answering she got out of the car and started to walk towards one of the houses. It was a tall blue house with a solid 8-foot fence surrounding it. In broad daylight, Bast leaped up the side and stood on top of the fence like an Olympic gymnast. I looked around at the empty street and the innumerous number of windows. Bast’s cats darted past me and joined their mistress at the top. I scurried up as quickly as I could and prayed that the fence wouldn’t collapse.

As soon as I got to the top Bast ran to the end of the fence and jumped down. The house’s backyard was unkempt, but by no means was it a forest. It was connected with the neighbor’s backyard from the next street over, separated by a few trees. The house looked empty.

I joined Bast by the trees. I looked around but there was nothing in front of me. All I could see was Bast and I trespassing.

“Where is Oberon?” I asked. Bast answered by pointing at my side.

Slumped up against the base of the nearest tree was a man. A great pair of antlers sprouted from his head. He wore a tattered brown vest with a cloak made of peacock feathers and a simple wooden circlet across his brow. His lower body was that of an animal. He looked like a satyr, yet his lower half looked more like a deer than a goat. He appeared to be sleeping. Bast looked at me expecting something. I thought about ways to make myself unpresentable to Oberon. It was crucial that no matter what, he would not give me approval.

“King Oberon.” I stated. Oberon did not move. I cleared my throat and spoke louder. “King Oberon!”

Bast walked over to Oberon and delivered a swift kick into his side. He grumbled and flinched a little. However, he still remained asleep. Bast grabbed Oberon’s legs and stomped directly on his crotch. He woke up yelling, grabbing his crotch as he rolled around in pain.

“You drank too much.” Bast said.

Oberon rose to his feet, hands still holding his crotch. He started crying.

“You are so rude! I was having the most blissful dream. It went like this.”

“Stop talking.” Bast replied.    

The power dynamic was hard to read. Could someone who bullied “the highest authority” in this world really be my chauffeur?

“No one acknowledges your authority because you’re drunk all the time. You clearly won power only through gregariousness.”

“He was elected!?” I almost said aloud.  

Oberon suddenly changed his mood, seemingly forgetting he was in pain at all. “You’re right. I should act as I’m expected to I suppose. What have we here then?” He walked right up to my face and stared deeply. My eyes darted around as he looked directly at me in a way that felt incredibly uncomfortable.

“Hmmm. Seems you’ve been cursed by fate haven’t you?” He walked around me and examined my body from every angle. Then he grabbed my head and tapped on the back like it was a coconut.

“What are you doing?!” I said as I pushed him away.

“Interesting. Doesn’t sound like it’s empty. What did you bring this creature here for?” Oberon said to Bast.

“He’s Hapi’s future husband.”

“Oh.” Oberon said. He remained silent and started to pace back and forth. A little while after he leaned against a tree and closed his eyes. The sun broke through a patch in the leaves and illuminated him. As he quietly thought to himself, he truly looked like a king.

Bast immediately kicked him again. He crumpled to the ground.

“Hey! I was sleeping!”

“If you fall asleep again I will crush them.”

Oberon looked up at her nervously while blocking his crotch with his hands.

“Hey kid.”

“Yes!”

“I’ll ask only one question. Are you prepared for this marriage?”

I held my breath. I knew what I should answer. It was so easy to say no. But when I looked at Bast I knew I couldn’t’ just say that outright. Did I have no choice but to say ‘yes’ then? I could tell I was stalling so I said the only thing I could say.

“I don’t know”

Oberon laughed. “And how could you? Yes indeed, I think neither of you are ready. A weak resolve will bend at the first signs of trouble! Such a catalyst needs to be strong! You see, we, the supernatural species from your perspective, have taken a great interest in humans over the last hundred years. From whence you were no different from us in your tribal trivialities, you at some point came to rise above it all with efforts towards globalization! United in the struggle as a species! A recreation of a heaven! We too think it’s time to breakout of the struggle that plagues our species as well!”

What the hell was this thing talking about.

“I see doubt in your eyes. I too share those fears. At a moment’s notice, the whole system could collapse. The whims of a few can drive the action of an entire species and calcify our budding relationship! But! There is no success without attempt! We cannot do if we do not try! And I believe failure is well worth the risk rather than to continue this tension into eternity!” He paused and breathed deeply.

“I, cannot approve of the ceremony as you are now. You are too weak, too thin, too simple! You are much too unexperienced. And I believe the demon goddess Hapi is not far ahead of you. She is still an unknown to this world, and this world is too much of an unknown to her! So I’ve devised a plan! You! Human! Will live with Hapi for an Entire Cycle. You will suffer! Grow! Mature! And ultimately, Die! And when you are made anew you will have steeled your soul against the pressure of responsibility and the temperature of expectation! It will be an educational experience to say the least. Now Go!”

And with that, Oberon faded away.