Frankly, as I settled into the bed of my tiny home, book in my hand, it had been a good day, if only because I had been able to get a number of projects started, if not quite finished. There were ups and downs for just moving into the cabin, but chief among them? Well, she might change her mind again at some arbitrary date, but my mother had not raised a complaint about the plans for a passive solar greenhouse, the well that had just been driven nor the fact that I put in the red fife seeds.

After all, I was finally being more independent and physically active, to say nothing of actually developing the property. Okay, most of that was for agriculture, but did I exactly HIDE that? Given how I openly stated I was starting prepping and looking into ways to become increasingly self-sufficient because anyone with working eyes and pattern recognition could tell that things were collapsing? Between that and starting up a small garden the previous year due to rising food prices, it should not have come as a shock.

Granted, if she actually did get the Scottish miniature highland cattle? Would be totally worth it. Not to mention my ongoing search for Kinder Goats for sale in Canada. Just because I was looking to be self-sufficient (after some investment in tools) didn't mean that I wasn't looking to being without cheese and butter. Or my own homemade ice cream. Yes, I needed to lose weight. Yes, I was not snacking at the family business... or not nearly as much anyway. Look, actual well done french fries made from locally grown potatoes and then properly deep fried? They are awesome.

But, I was cutting fast food out of my diet... or I would once the shop was open for the season. But yeah, as it was, I had plans, the start of a green house and three months of canned soup, oatmeal, rice, beans, canned meats and fruit. Well, that and a whole lot of tea. But between the coltsfoot (for salt) and sugar beets (for sugar)? Between the heirloom seeds that were planted or being cared for before being placed in the soil? If things went well, I would be able to feed myself a good deal of the winter! Meat was... tricky. Hopefully the tilapias would be here soon.

Of course, as I read my own hard cover copy of Beware of Chicken, my thoughts were not really on the upcoming year of trying to do projects, cut and season wood, set up coppicing in the woodlot, the joy of weeding and watering... but on the adventures of a mighty cock and my on and off cultivation d20 project. Sue me, until Hasbro tried to change the OGL I had ideas. So, the party horns going off in my ears, confetti and glitter came as something of a surprise. Feeling like I was picked up and spun like a top even more so.

Flying up and through the roof of my house without impacting the wood or leaving a hole? Frankly, that was less of a concern than the fact I was not stopping until the Earth was an epic backdrop below me. Coming to rest in an office chair with the sort of desk you would see at a fancy old time bank? I was too busy being terrified and wanting to close my eyes as I'm terrified of heights. Or more accurately, falling from great heights. While I was tough enough, I was also man enough to know that gravity could kick my ass.

So, one might forgive me a moment, that I did not realize the man across the desk, humming as he looked things up on a computer. It was impossible to really describe him, because it could be summed up in one word. Average. Pick a random stranger off the street and he could be one of them, or all of them. There was nothing that separated him from the template of what it was to be 'Human'. Well, other than the perfectly average business suit. "Greetings lucky winner." Even the voice was almost painfully average!

"Your world has been purchased and is being repurposed into an entertainment preserve. Please note that as you are not deemed to be particularly attractive neither of the new owners will meet with you at this time. However, your lower than average attractiveness allows you to be one of the beta testers of this interaction module. This is of course, in addition to being one of the lucky winners to a week of Early Access to the system."

There was something insulting about all of this. Besides of course, the mild existential terror. This was a rational response, given how things were becoming a freaking game world like a damn royal road story! It was one thing to read about it, another to be one of the sorry bastards living it! And then of course... I was not deemed attractive enough to get personal help with character creation. Sure, I was likened to a partially shaved bear with a belly and glasses, but on second thought? That was actually one of the less offensive 'you ugly' moments I've ever had.

Now, if only I could open my mouth to respond. "As part of the system establishment protocols, your local culture and internet has been mined for inspiration. After discarding the ninety eight percent of the internet that was comprised of porn, they further discarded all Asian stories due to not wanting to deal with cultivators. Frankly, they make for annoying neighbors at the best of times." All of this was delivered in a calm and polite tone, as the screen was shifted towards me. "Now, thanks to the wonders of random number generation, the system will use the D20 system as the base, with Dungeons and Dragons Revised Third Edition as the core."

There is an average smile conveying an average amount of enthusiasm. "Now, before we begin the character creation process, I am to inform you of the minor details. Firstly, the world on which you lived? The Aztec Pantheon failed to renew their lease in 2012 and as they failed to file any paperwork in the decade since, it was repossessed by the Divine Central Banking Conglomerate and put up for auction as it possessed no interested natives interested or capable of disputing possession in the proper courts due to the Buddha's detachment from worldly concerns."

The damn end of the world in 2012 was right in the end? In a strange and mind numbing way it made terrible sense. "Now, to outline character creation." Frankly, so many ideas... "As a beta tester, you have one Greater Boon, two Moderate Boons and three Lesser Boons. Now, you cannot roll for your ability scores. You are instead stuck with what you possess in your previous mundane existence, potentially modified by templates and racial bonuses, and may spend a lesser boon to raise an ability score to 16, or if it is already 16, to 18." And indeed, there were my ability scores in all their 'glory'.

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Strength; 13 (+1)

Dexterity; 8 (-1)

Constitution; 18 (+4)

Intelligence; 13 (+1)

Wisdom; 13 (+1)

Charisma; 8 (-1)

Appearance; 5 (-3)

All in all.... I sucked. Or was just above average in some areas and below in others. It was depressing really, but that was life. Granted, a potentially short one as things were becoming a game world. Of course... things looked like an expanded interactive sheet, as I wondered... "What are my race and class options?" Which, hey, I said that out loud, as the the average man smiled in an average manner.

Still, there was nothing in those empty and average eyes. "Any D&D 3.5 compatible race and class published by Wizards of the Coast. You may spend a lesser boon to gain access to third party publishers, or a moderate boon to gain access to homebrew content that is subject to review and approval." The tone was calm, even as I wondered about things. I had an idea of what to go for, even if I was not sure about some of the details.

It never hurt to ask of course. "Gestalt, templates and non-standard alternate class features?" Because, if it was allowed....

The man nodded. "Gestalt is a Greater Boon." Which honestly, with the flexibility and ability to shore up your build, I saw coming. "In addition, gestalt requires fifty percent additional experience to advance a level." Which was painful and more of a pathfinder thing, but fair. "You also cannot take mystic theurge and another arcane or divine spellcasting class at once." Fair, and not what I was going to do anyway, "Templates have a cost of a lesser boon per +2 of level adjustment. As for non-standard alternate class features... please elaborate."

Well, this was the moment of truth really. "Depending on if they are allowed, I am looking to take the Evolutionist class and wish to trade in Improved Unarmed Strike for Primal Mutator, gaining two additional mutations at first mutator level and one additional mutation at each subsequent mutator level. Basically trading unarmed combat for some additional flexibility. I would also ask if the Deathless conversion to Undead Mutator would be on the table? Switching positive energy for negative in most cases."

There is an average amount of interest in the mans eyes, as he hums. "And the other side of the gestalt?"

Now, this was the potentially tricky part. "From the mythos subsystem, I am looking to take the Magos class with the Broken Flesh Amalgam feat and the Genetic Deviant Template." The simple truth of the matter? This would allow me many long term benefits, while also allowing me a chance to reach them... while not being too strong in the early stages. But it was something that built up over time and most importantly? Made me harder to kill.

The fact that the man paused, looking me over with more than an average amount of curiosity in their eyes was... good or bad really. Still, they pressed a button. "Boons claimed and marked." Which was permission, as I worked on my sheet with the ease of having made many of them... and having a template for them on google drive. This was hardly my first time making a character sheet, even if the presence of Culture was a new one, and locked in.

Canadian

Starting Language; English and French

Background Skills; Knowledge (Local), Use Technology, Survival, Any One

Culture Bonus; True North Strong and Free (Gain a +4 trait bonus on all saves against cold weather and disease. Gain double the benefits of rest in cold temperatures)

Favored Classes; Ranger, Master, Expert

Prohibited Classes; Barbarian

Of course, soon most of the details were filled in, the sheet taking form. Now, I had a moderate and lesser boon remaining. Looking over the options... I decided to do what should allow me to survive once I managed to get a few things going. Or rather, I turned in the Moderate boon for two additional starting mythos and the Lesser boon to always get maximum hit points per HD. The thing was, as the average man looked over my selections... that I would be able to grow quickly to a point so long as I survived. Granted, the thing was, I was a discount Wolverine with no regeneration and the potential to cast magic soon.

Of course, the average man looked it over, pressed some buttons on the computer and nodded. "Please be aware, due to several of your choices, you will be spending the next twenty four hours having the metal attached to your skeleton. Have a nice day." And with that, I was falling, the air being stripped from my lungs as I plunged down, screaming as I burned, only vaguely aware of other blazing meteors as they fell to the surface. For, as my body jolted upright in my bed, the flames did not stop, the burning and searing agony, as my world devolved into pain.