Chapter 3

== Endou’s Past ==

Following yesterday’s incident, I feel considerable changes in my daily live. My classmates won’t stop staring at me and they whisper to each other when Endou-san comes. Girls sometimes smile at me, acting all friendly and shit, while the guys looked at me like I was filth. When Endou-san sits next to me, someone always whistles, both teasing and mocking us. They sometimes call me uke guy. What this uke guy supposed to mean?!

I missed my once solitary life so much. No one realizes that I’m there amongst them and no one pays me attention. I was so happy with my loneliness. Eating lunchbox alone in the rooftop while listening to classical, reading mangas without realizing that the school is over and laughing by myself while watching video. Now those happiness were gone, thanks to a certain someone.

I’m too lazy to explain to my classmates. Let them think what they want; I don’t care. If they think we’re couple, then so be it. I don’t think I’ll be able to speak in front of many people, anyway.

There’s no lesson in third and fourth period. Instead, the teacher gave us a handout to be photocopied. I have done it, and to be honest, it was easy. Now I leaned against my table, head on the cool surface and arms between my legs. The wind caresses my hair slowly, whispering soft words to make me sleep as I fight to maintain my consciousness. Endou-san is playing a game on his cell phone, not giving a fuck how people see him.

“Play it for a while,” he says as he gives me his cell phone. “I’m going to the toilet.”

I extend my hand lazily, “Yeah.”

I bring the screen to my line of sight and see that he is playing some kind of building simulation game. Makes me remember of Sim City, somehow. Oh, a guest notification. One of the residents wants to see the Mayor. I guess the Mayor here means Endou-san. I lift my thumb to touch the bubble text, but I must be feeling sleepy and my hand slip. I press home button by accident.

His home screen makes my jaw drop. There’s a photo of him and… someone who looks like me! Only he’s younger! What the heck? Frown makes its way to my face as I examine the boy. That haircut, that smile and that face—he really looks like me! Like we are twins!

I try to recall my past memories, trying to find when and where this photo takes place. I’m positively sure that I met Endou-san in my first day of school. Anger slowly rises from my stomach to my head as I realize that this photo must be a fake. An edited one. He really is stalking me! Now I got an evidence to punch him in the face!

I stride to the toilet and find him washing his hands. He turns to look at me with those sharp eyes of his. “What? Is it an earthquake?”

I know he is referring to his game, but I refuse to be swayed. I will extract the truth, using force if I have to. “I want to talk to you.”

“Sure. Fire away.”

“I prefer the rooftops.”

Endou-san knits his brows but says nothing as he follows me. I open the door and steps outside. Wind once again stroked my face and hair, but it only fuels my fury within.

I show him the wallpaper, asking, “Who is this guy standing near you?”

I observe him for any sign of emotions and my stomach twist when hurt appears on his face. He answers slowly, “…my little brother.”

I’m beginning to know his issue. I bet his little brother ran away from home and Endou-san blamed himself for being such a pampering and annoying older brother. When he saw me, he saw his little brother in me and tried to amend his mistake through ME!

“And where is he?” I challenge and I swear I see him gritting his teeth.

“…he is gone.”

The answer caught me off guard as I try to calm myself. I feel like my heart is in my throat and unseen guilt washes over me like a violent wave. I didn’t realize that I’ve stepped inside a touchy subject and I don’t want to see what face Endou-san is making, so I hang my head in shame.

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“…I spoiled your happy mood,” he chokes, “sorry.”

Suddenly anger takes control over my head and I snap my eyes to him, “That’s not what I was going to ask you! I don’t care whether you spoil it or not! I just want to… want to hear your own explanation! Why are you treating me this way?!”

Now it’s my turn to grit my teeth, “You turned my tranquil life upside down! Everyone is staring at me, mocking me and pay to many attention on me! That’s because of you! If only you didn’t show up, my life would stay the way I want! Your brother complex is tiring me!”

“I don’t have brother complex!!” he starts shouting. Good! It means we can start the real discussion now. “I just… You remind me of him! That’s all!!”

“As I expected! You’re just too damn attached! Your brother is long gone! You should try to accept the reality and don’t drag others in your life!”

Endou-san is literally burning right now. His body stiffens and fists clench, “You don’t understand what I’ve been through, dammit!! An introvert like you would never understand!!”

It provokes me and I punch him on the cheek, “Yeah, and so what?! Do you think I want to be enlightened by your pitiful existence?! By your pitiful reason?! Everyone sees me as a gay! All because of you!!”

He punches me back. It hurts, but I retaliate and give him an equally painful kick to his side. His growls matches one of an animal as he traps me between his body and floor, then punches my face till they’re black and blue. I scream in pain and deliver a blow to his groin. He staggers and I quickly knock him off by a swift head butt.

After a long session of exchanging blows, we are completely at our limit. Our faces are truly ugly—with black, blue and purple dots all over the places. I even got nosebleed thanks to him. Tired to continue, we collapse on the cool floor. With our faces facing the sky, we slowly recover our raging breath and calm the fiery hatred within our minds.

“Your brother…” I murmur, “was he sick?”

From the corner of my eyes, I see Endou-san shakes his head. “…I killed him.”

Truly, it surprises me.

Endou-san lets out a sad laugh and covers his eyes with his arm, “…it was a year ago. We went to the beach, just two of us. We were having a lot of fun; diving, swimming, eating ice creams… and it happened.”

I prop myself on my elbow, listening attentively.

“…he saw a beautiful girl and he… fell in love and I told him to confess his love.”

“And he did?” I ask, “isn’t that good?”

Endou-san still refuses to let me see his face, “Except she’d got a boyfriend, who… who… in jealousy, came with his friends and ganged up on my brother until he was dead… and I hated girls ever since...”

I see him crying and for the very first time I wished I keep my mouth shut.

“…I was just joking, but he took me seriously,” the pain in his voice intensifies and he grips his hair as a way to control the leaking emotions. It fails, though. “When I came back to the hotel, he wasn’t there. I searched for him and found him away from the beach—cold, lifeless—his head was bleeding from blunt wounds. I… I killed him! I killed my own brother…! If I hadn’t said such thing, he’d be alive…! I… killed him…”

I can only watch in silence as he tells me everything. Since I’m an only child, I don’t know how painful it is to lose the sibling he cares so much. But if something happened to my dad, God forbids, I didn’t think my heart could take it.

Endou-san finally has calmed down a bit, but his violent breath hasn’t. He sits and brings his palm to his face, from where I hear his muffled voice stricken with grief, “...sorry. I… lost myself there… I just…”

“No problem, but still… you just couldn’t go on and treat me as if I was your little brother,” I refrain myself from saying ‘it’s not your fault’. It will worsen the situation. “You’re deceiving yourself! It’ll hurt you even more! Besides, thinking of me as your little brother won’t revive him! Let him go. He’s in the other world.”

“I can’t!” he shouts harshly, “no matter how hard I try, the guilt keeps haunting me. I murdered him, my only family! I have nothing to live…! But seeing you… I found a little hope, a hope to continue living!”

“…and by forcing me to be your little brother?” he is taken aback by my question. “Listen! I am Aki, not your little brother! We are different! I’m a man of my own!!”

Endou-san grabs my shoulders and looks like he’s about to cry again, “I’m sorry to drag you into my problem, but please… give me time to accept my brother’s death and… and to forgive myself. Please, I beg you…”

I’m about to say no, but something comes to mind. If I accept it, does it mean that he’d do anything I ask? I’m literally his ‘imaginary little brother’, aren’t I? I’m cruel, I know, for taking advantages of him. But I need to make sure that he really lost his brother and not into me. While he’s pampering me, I will observe him and decide whether he’s lying or not.

What if he is lying?

Simple, I will beat him up.

“…alright. Fine, you can do it.”

Endou-san’s face brightens and he hugs me, “Thanks, Aki…”

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As expected, my mom bombards me with questions because my face looks horrendous. She thinks I was bullied at school. I refuse to give answer, though. I don’t want her to think that her little boy is into fight. After changing my clothes, I look for a clean cloth and dip it in water filled with ice cubes. Pain jolts through my body as I press it lightly on my face.

I can’t say I’m happy that Endou-san keeps avoiding reality, but I suppose he didn’t have enough time to mourn his lost. He dearly loves his little brother, that much is certain. But I still don’t believe those two have been living by themselves. Where are their parents, anyway?

All of a sudden I realize that it’s best for me not to sniff out his personal live and patiently wait for him to tell everything to me.

I sigh, wishing that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.