When I woke up, I was disoriented for a moment as I tried to remember where I was. The room felt familiar. The baby pink walls, the teddy bears sprinkled all over the room, the messed up pink duvet around me all were clues. At first I thought I woke up in the bed of some girl from a bar. It must have been a dream that I went to get Tan, she wouldn’t pick me to save her anymore, not with all her new friends.

I woke up in the bed alone, whoever I had been with was gone now. The only trace of her was the indent in the pillow. I decided to get up and find out who it was. Or just to leave. Either would have been great options.

I snuck down to the kitchen, listening out for someone else the whole time. No noise from the bathroom, none from the store cupboard, likewise with the living room. Of course, there she was in the kitchen.

Tanya was standing at the island setting up two bowls of cereal. Her hair was still loosely flowing to her waist, she was still in her pyjamas that we had somehow managed to get her into last night without too much hassle, and on her feet she wore old pink bunny slippers. She looked up when she heard me walk in and quickly looked back down to the cereal, too embarrassed to face me yet.

“I made some cereal.” She motioned to it. “I know it’s not much but I’m sorry for last night. I shouldn’t have dragged you out of bed like that.”

I smiled. She never had been the type to apologise before.

“It’s alright.” I walked over to my promised bowl. “I get some cool cereal now.”

She laughed with me, the tension seeming to mostly leave her. Then she reached the milk carton out of the fridge. As she poured in the milk, she continued the conversation.

“Really, though. I’m sorry.” Then she blushed. “And I’m sorry about anything I said.”

“Do you remember anything you said?” My heart began to beat fast again. I had to struggle to keep myself looking and sounding nonchalant. The look on her face told me that she did remember; the bright eyes, the tensing eyebrows, the mouth struggling to form the words.

“Some things.” She agreed quietly. “Not everything.”

“What do you remember?” I became more nervous with each second. And her suspense was not helping in the slightest.

“That I said I loved you.” She resolved quietly. The words hung heavily in the air. I guess she hadn’t forgotten about it like I had assumed. Now we would have to talk about it. No, it would be fine. She was just a curious drunk straight girl. She didn’t love me. If she loved me she wouldn’t have gone off with Kendra.

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“Do you?” I still found myself asking. I cursed myself as soon as I said it. Stupid hope. Of course not.

“I don’t know.” Another hard hit. It was somehow worse than a ‘no’, and not as good as a ‘yes’. It was the worst of both. She didn’t know? That just confirmed that she was just curious. And yet it wasn’t as final as a ‘no’. A ‘no’ would have been a full stop. I could conclude once and for all that she didn’t love me. And that would have been okay. At least I would have known. Her contribution didn’t help at all. I was still where I was minutes ago.

“It’s fine.” I shrugged it off. I just wanted to leave. “You were just drunk right? We don’t need to think about it anymore. We all say dumb stuff when we’re drunk.”

“Dahlie…” She began to speak but stopped herself. I wanted to know what she was going to say. A conclusion?

“Yes?” I replied. Tanya tensed again.

“I don’t know.” Again.

“You said, it’s fine. You were drunk, you didn’t mean it-” I tried to move on again.

“No it wasn’t just some drunk thing!” She yelled indignantly. One deep breath later and she moved on with her conversation in a calm, yet scared, tone. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about this stuff lately. I think-”

“You’re curious? Think you might be gay? Might be bi? Wanted to come see the only lesbian you know?” I asked pointedly. My being a lesbian is most of the reason Tanya left me. She said she didn’t know how to act when she knew there was a possibility of me being attracted to her. Now she had the audacity to think she was gay?

“Dahlie, I’m sorry.” She said quietly. “I didn’t know who else to go to.”

“Maybe Kendra.” I said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. I was so scared when you told me, I didn’t know what to do.” Tanya’s eyes were beginning to well up and I was beginning to feel bad.

“Tan-”

“No, let me talk.” She frowned. “I was getting feelings about you that scared me. I kept telling myself that it was fine, we were just really good friends. But when you told me you were gay I started thinking that, y’know, maybe we had been more than that. That was terrifying. I’m just so scared.” She seemed to run out of things to say.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked quietly.

“I don’t know.”

“Okay.” I got closer to her and pulled her into a hug. My arms around her waist, only gently, barely brushing her skin. She returned the favour, her arms around my neck as we had been last night. “How do you feel about this?” I whispered into her ear.

“Good.” She nodded breathily. “I like being close to you.”

My heart went a million miles a second again. This girl was good at teasing me.

“Okay.” I nodded. “And if I do this?” I pulled my face away and instead leaned into her face, our lips inches away.

She tensed and pulled away from me. I can’t say I was surprised but I had certainly hoped for something a little more than this. Tanya walked back over to the sink, our bowls in hand. When she had disposed of them, she stayed where she was.

“I don’t know.” Was all she would say.

“I’m going to my place now.” I told her. “Goodbye Tan. Good luck.” And with that I left, I don’t know what she did afterwards, but I know what I did. I sobbed in my car to cheesy break-up songs. Not ideal, I know, but this girl knew just how to stab me where it hurt. Give me hope and rip it away. Brilliant.