Her voice was slurred over the phone, though I knew it wasn’t just because of a bad signal. She sounded wasted. I had grown used to her ‘wasted’ voice, the way the letter d dragged on forever, the short sound of the i’s, the sudden loudness of the a’s; all of it. It was a sound I hadn’t heard in a while.
“Dahlia!” She cheered. I refrained from wincing at the noise.
“Tanya?”
“Dahlia! Hi!”
“Where are you, Tanya?” I climbed out of my bed. Unless she said she was at home safe, I wouldn’t be returning to it tonight.
“Where are you?” Her voice suddenly became accusatory. Then she laughed. “You should be here with me.”
“Tell me where you are and I’ll be there.” I said gently as I took my keys from the bench. There was no point in getting changed, I was probably just going to take her back here anyway. And besides, it was midnight, no one was going to see me.
“You should know. Telepathy.” More accusatory tones.
“Do you want me to come or not?” I tried to remain calm. Tanya had a habit of getting lost when she was drunk, which used to be often. A few times she had wound up in bad situations and I had to find her myself.
“I’m in the park.” She finally answered, voice airy.
“Okay.”
“Are you coming to get me?” She sounded worried, like a little kid.
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll stay on the phone as I drive.” I clambered into my car and set off. I could feel the eyes of the neighbours cat on my back as I went but thankfully no eyes of the neighbours. The radio sounded quietly when I had started up the car, but Tanya didn’t seem to notice.
“Okay.” She trailed off softly.
“Tanya?” I asked. “Please keep talking so I know you’re safe.”
“What do you want me to say?” She had a hint of a laugh in her voice.
“Whatever you want.”
“Okay.” For another long moment she was silent. Right when I was about to tell her to speak, she did. “Dahlia. Dahlia. Dahlia.”
I laughed. “Are you summoning me?”
She laughed as well. It was different from her usual laugh, which sounded harsh and forced. This one was soft and nice. It was like the calling of a warm fireplace on a cold winter's evening. I found myself speeding up to get there quicker.
“I’m always summoning you.” She said it as if she believed I was silly for thinking otherwise.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” I could almost hear her nodding as she spoke. “Of course.”
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“Why?”
“I love you.”
I almost couldn’t hear her. The way the words slurred made me doubt.
“Pardon?” My voice shook.
“I love you Dahlia. So much.” The words were clear this time. Even through the slurring it made sense. I nearly crashed the car.
“You’re just drunk, Tan.” I found myself saying, her old nickname worming it's way out of my mouth.
“I’m not.” She demanded. “I love you. I love you more than anything.”
“Okay.” I thought it through quickly. She will forget about it tomorrow. It would be better to play along with it than have her running off. “I love you too.”
“You do?” Her voice was full of wonder.
“Yes.” I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “We can talk about it when I get to you.”
“Okay. You’ll be here soon?” She was eager.
“One more minute.”
“Okay.”
I was panicking inside but I couldn’t think about it now. My concern was Tanya, not me. I had to keep her safe. Of course I loved her. I truly loved her more than life itself. She was my life. It hurt to hear her say she loved me too in her wasted voice. It hurt more than I ever could have imagined. But I could think about that later.
“Dahlie!” She grinned dopily when she saw me walking over. She was sitting propped up against an old oak tree, on it were carved hearts and words and drawings. The leaves had fallen off weeks ago, it now being November.
“Tan.” I approached. She stood up and walked clumsily closer. When she reached me, she threw her arms around my neck in an embrace. I delicately put mine around her waist.
“You came.” She whispered into my neck.
“Of course I did.”
“I love you.”
“I’m glad you’re okay.” I dodged the remark. I couldn’t say it back. Last time it had been necessary to keep her safe. I couldn’t say it to her face when it wasn’t just a drunken lie. I just couldn’t.
“Are you going to take me home now?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
The car ride home was silent. An awkward silence. I thought that Tanya would fall asleep but I had been wrong. She sat in the passenger seat, feet on the dashboard. I used to scold her for doing this, “It’s unsafe”, “You could get hurt”, “You’ll get my dashboard all dirty.” I used to say. She had always laughed it off. This time I didn’t even bother. I just drove back to her place.
“My place?” She asked sleepily when I parked the car.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah.”
We went into the house and almost immediately went upstairs. Tanya attempted to pour herself another glass but I managed to pull her away from the cabinet.
“Are you going to sleep in my bed?” Tanya asked with a small smile as she changed into pyjamas.
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes.”
“Then yes.” I resolved to sneak out as soon as she fell asleep. I’d stay on the sofa to ensure she remained here and safe, of course, but not in her bed.
“Thank you.” She lay in closely. I was all too aware of the feeling of her hands on my waist and thigh, her legs interlocking with mine, her stomach against my back. I kept my hands to myself and brushed my hair from her face.
She quickly fell asleep and I tried to leave, but she wouldn’t let me. She held on close and fretted when I pulled. I turned my head to face her and felt my heart skip a beat again. I turned my entire body around. I snaked my arms around her waist until I could link my hands together and then I looked down at her sleeping face again. It was so beautiful. Her lips were parted slightly as if in a kiss, her eyes were shut loosely, her eyelashes like black butterflies. I was certain she could feel my heart beating wildly against my chest.
It was nearly impossible to fall asleep. Eventually I managed. It must have been an hour after Tanya fell asleep though. It felt like an eternity. Every time that I came close, she would shift closer or further, or even start mumbling. It was hellish. In a way that something is too perfect it becomes hellish. It was horrible because I loved her and she didn’t love me. She said she did, but that made it worse. Why would she call me to tell me that? We hadn’t spoken in months. It was the first time she called me since June. Why would she call me now just for this?