I had to make a mental check of what I had available to me, I didn’t have a first aid kit, but if the girl was bleeding out the other side of the door, I could use my belt or the strap from my body wallet to help staunch the flow. I reached forward taking hold of the handle and found the girl pinned to a wall, the unremarkable guy with the murky aura had crucified her. She wasn’t moving at all.

“And who is this joining usss?” The man hissed. He did like a classical villain bob of his head looking under his armpit at me in an almost comical fashion, I hadn’t stopped to gawk though, because I am not a fucking idiot. Alright, I am some of the time.

“You can call me Jack.” I said slapping my right hand onto him, with each inch closer to them I brought to forefront of my mind a simple want. For that dingleberry to be gone. I have done this multiple times with things like this, I always attributed it to dark spirits for the most part. It just seemed to fit best, people like this guy were well on their way to be full Linda Blair in the exorcist. But they were only loosely tethered to their host, with a light touch from myself along with the wish for Casper to bugger off it broke the hold. Generally. But tonight, was special.

Have I mentioned that I am cursed?

The moment I made contact there was a flash of light and warmth as what could only be described as a flaming mass of shadow leaked out and sent embers around the storeroom, catching the boxes piled to one side with filled with cleaning supplies on fire.

“Fuck.” The guy dropped limp to the floor and immediately began to convulse. “Double fuck.” I looked around for a fire extinguisher and tried to recall if I saw any in the hall on the way here, but I had been a little distracted.

I had to move. Now.

I tried to move the girl, but she had been literally pinned with polished steel spikes. I couldn’t budge them, so making a snap decision, I picked up one of the flaming the boxes and tried to will the fire to go out, going so far as to touch it, which just immediately burnt my hand. I SAID I AM NOT ALWAYS A FUCKING IDIOT OKAY!? Stupid flaky belief system shit, how was I supposed to deal with this? I looked down at the pool of blood. And immediately began to launch bottles of bleach and the like skittering down the hallway splitting open and spilling all over.

That’s flammable right? I began to stamp the empty boxes down into the blood it fizzled and let out a god-awful scent, I was coated in it, the room was filled with smoke, I was coughing and spluttering my eyes burned I was covered in blood half mad stamping on everything in sight. The unremarkable now very dead guy who had passed as a result of the sudden dispossession and not from smoke inhalation or me accidentally stamping on his neck while I had a panic attack lay unmoving in the puddle of blood. With the flames out the smoke finally reached a nearby detector because why have one in the chemical storage closet or whatever the fuck it was. Right? Any way all the buzzers’ alarms and sprinklers triggered, and I was momentarily blinded while I slipped around.

“I fucking hate my life.” I grumbled, wincing from the onslaught of sound.

The girl who I thought was dead as a doornail seemed to be very much alive as she let out a whimper and a gasp of pain, freezing me in my ministrations, as well as scaring the hell out of me.

“Fucking hell, you’re alive?” The girl was unresponsive. “I don’t entirely know if I imagined that or not… but you are kind of stuck, I am going to call an ambulance for you, but I know the fire fighters will be here in a bit hopefully they can help?

“N-n… unnnh.” The daft cow looked like she was shaking her head at me. She through sheer force of will or just mind-bending terror started to pull herself off the spikes or at least looked like she wanted to.

This. This is why women give birth. They can do shit like this. Lifting cars off their kids, fighting for that last set of Harry Potter pyjamas at Primark… If I stub my toe in the morning as a grown ass man, I have actually gotten back in bed and said fuck you to the whole day. Of course, that’s usually when my apartment runs out of electric, so I have to go the corner shop to put credit on my key, ah mundane joys.

“Stay put you are really fucked up and going to die… if you haven’t already.” I mumbled the last part. A hissing sound was growing louder from the corner where some part melted cartons were beginning to mix and fizz. White smoke puffed into being as some sort of satanic chemical reaction was beginning to take place.

Yeah, fuck me right. I did not do very well in school, mostly because I was never at school for reasons, I will explain another time. But I would bet my left nut that something sciency was going on and about to go off. Stupid bloody chemicals. Hah. They are actually bloody chemicals. Oh, I crack myself up.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

“Change of plan, I formally request permission to touch your person.” I spoke. Moving closer, feeling a spit of something begin to hiss through my right trouser leg. I really didn’t want to take my shoes off to get the trousers off so I unfastened and dropped them along with my phone and house keys and began to stamp hoping that it didn’t touch my bare skin, I fought valiantly till I managed to break free from my self-engineered restraints. And kicked them over the snap crackle and popping bombs for all I knew. Unfortunately, the girl was unresponsive.

“Fuck it. Unconscious means yes.” IT DOESN’T. Just have to put that out there, being unconscious is NOT consent, but the other alternative being melty spotty death. I felt like I was okay to act. I didn’t bother trying to remove the spikes I didn’t have enough time or strength judging by my first shot, so instead I grabbed her limbs one at a time and pulled her free. It was needless to say gross. As the heads of the spikes got wider near the tops, I was causing her a huge amount of pain and damage, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. This was my rational calm idea. Everything else was telling me to leave her and run. But I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t. So, a few wet meaty “thunking” sounds later I had her free and cradled into me.

“I took a step backwards when I tripped over the corpse of the formerly possessed. Which if I hadn’t a globule of whatever agent that had been reacting under my trousers would have liberally coated my back. Kicking back and sliding in the blood and water from the sprinklers I pushed myself up the wall and carried her further away.

I bet all the stunning staff pirouetted right out to the fire assembly points. We got about a dozen yards from the room when there was dull whump of force, followed immediately by crackling and hissing.

“Looks like we got out of there just in-” There was another force at play all of a sudden. I froze and collapsed only to be held by something else as I began to feel incredibly dizzy and cold.

Used too much force of will guff eh? Not the time to rest Jack, come on man keep moving. But I couldn’t or as I would phrase when not firing on all cylinders I was: “unable to can.” Which was my way of saying when I was too tired or drunk or whatever to perform a task or find the motivation to do it, that was what I would say. Though in this case I was also actually literally and physically not able to move. I moved my hand the girl was moving her face buried into me, I thought in fear but when I managed to move my chin, I saw she wasn’t trembling in fear, she was biting me. She had chomped into my left pectoral right above my heart.

Yay. I saved a cannibal.

“Alright, pack it in will you.” I tried to push her away by force alone, but she didn’t budge, I began to see spots in my vision as I slumped down, onto my knees and she took the opportunity to sink her teethe into my neck.

Shit maybe she got infected or something? I considered that the entity I had banished had done something I had not seen before and that was starting a blaze while it was ejected from its host, that this same thing might have just changed meat suites. That could be why she is now trying and succeeding in killing me. I was going to pass out any second so with another astonishing force of will I focussed in my left hand a simple little message from the depths of my soul.

“Off you fuck!?” Light again blinded me as she was sent away tearing handfuls of my clothes as she sailed into the adjacent wall, glanced off, and landed on all fours, like a fucking cat.

Two times. Two times my only reassuring thing that worked has done something else entirely…

Have I mentioned to you that I am cursed?

My vision was hazy I was already on my knees and felt like I was about to collapse boneless in a heap, but even then, as I stared at her, and her long straight red hair the colour of autumn leaves, petite build and ample swell of her bosom, I decided… yeah there were worse ways to go. Hey, I mean if she actually killed me then my cursed life would be over. That actually brought a bit of pep back to me. She looked genuinely freaked out though and had tears blended in with blood, the sprinklers having either run their course or been shut off. She still looked like the most beautiful thing I had ever seen… just in a horror movie situation. Sure, it might have been the blood loss. The exhaustion or the fumes or mixture of all the above, but you have to trust me. She was something to behold. She moved her hand to a knife hilt protruding from her chest that I had left because it looked pretty grim and television shows have told me that stuff like that should be left in… fuck her tendons in her hands they are… wait. She was holding me. Her fingers were fine. That was a minor relief. Sorry, it was a weird situation to be in.

Seeing her distressed, I wanted to move to her, but she dropped like a sack of veg, and I slumped over mimicking her. I dragged myself closer, took a hold of the knife. Her eyes widened, she looked at me, tearful, and nodded closing her eyes in acceptance. She was expecting me to finish her, or try to, she was a hearty one that was for sure. I didn’t know if I could. Making my choice I pulled the knife out instead of plunging it deeper, it hissed as it came free boiling her blood off the blade I dropped my arm to my side, lost my hold propping me up as my arm gave way and I hit my head hard on the floor. I couldn’t feel my toes, I was freezing. Time passed by slowly, I seemed to be fading in an out of consciousness as I felt something foreign push past my lips and all I could taste was soot and blood.

I really expected when you died you were supposed to be shown the story of your life in picture book format, first kiss, first real cry, happiest moment, family, friends… My last thoughts before passing were simply. How I one hundred percent copped a feel while I found purchase to pull the knife out. Unintentionally of course. Boobs were awesome.