My little jaunt into virtual reality had been yet another example of how easily my brain tunneled on things. I did it with work, both before and after Xin's passing. Drowning myself in a single task often made life manageable.

Especially post Xin's death. I spent hours throwing myself into tasks and trying not to think. It helped me get good, sure, but the cost might be a bit high.

As a consequence I missed messages from both my sister and niece. I almost missed my meeting with Doctor Litt but the ARC had too many alarm bells set. No matter how into these combat patterns I got that blaring and endless beeping couldn't be ignored.

Had I really just been working and beating up metal imitation monsters for days on end? The challenge of reaching a higher difficulty level felt alluring. Even now ideas of solving twenty two’s added monsters had me pondering. Some methods revolved around my lack of skill, other parts around stats.

And honestly, the ship didn’t have a lot else to do. There was a quest to clean the ship's inside. Some space cockroach extermination, that I assume Dusk kept dodging off to handle, and cataloging objects we flew by. Staring out into space going ‘rock, rock, another rock’ didn’t sound appealing.

I left a message for my sister first. It tried to say, with as little sourness as possible, that I was still alive and headed to my meeting with Doctor Litt. Talking to her directly wasn't an option. Even two weeks, three when counting game dilation, wasn't enough to make me happy about being kicked out of Continue.

My niece was unavailable. I used the van’s [NPC Conspiracy] access to verify her status as logged in to Continue Online even now. She, and her boyfriend the half man were sitting in a large city watching a play.

An entire stage and auditorium glowed around them moving in hyper speed. How crazy was that? Players in a game were presenting a stage play to other players in a game. Both were getting little bonus points to their skills, [Art Appreciation], [Stage Acting], losing coins and having a grand time.

It was strange to think that people existed within a game world and did mundane things. Maybe it was just way easier, maybe it was the allure of boxes displaying increases and benefits. For Beth and her boyfriend it might be an excuse to spend moments together where the world moved faster and cost less real life time.

My [NPC Conspiracy] access gave me admin privileges over everyone’s ARC but my own. Theoretically I could kick her out then speak to her in real time. By the same token I could boot every single Trillium worker in the world out, but that would risk a level of exposure I didn’t want or need. I tried not to feel awkward from my peeping and left Beth alone to live her life.

I spent most of the van ride alternating between being drowsy and trying to make sure my list was prepared. Doctor Litt didn’t really follow lists. My first therapist had, the second liked the idea of his clients making them. Doctor Litt was far less, conventional, than either of my first two doctors.

Two small naps did nothing for me. My list got at least four passes to help me remember the positive things. Two hours later I was in a new town. Traveling didn’t bother me though.

My directions indicated a small building on the edge of town. It looked archaic on the outside. Gargoyle statues lined the corners and made the smooth more modern buildings next to it seem dull.

The lobby had few mechanical devices. A greeting robot similar to Hal Pal but less sophisticated swept one side. The machine greeted me by name and advised that my appointment was on the fifth floor.

Up a real elevator I went. It felt weird after using ladders for the better part of a week. Advance Online took full advantage of the ARC’s ability to provide realistic feedback. Combining combat practice, however dull, with the EXR-Sevens meant my arms were almost dead weights.

Doctor Litt met me right at the elevator’s exit. He wore a business suit and had more weight on his frame than most. “Grant, you lost weight. What have you been doing? Crunches? Pilates? Cocaine?” He asked me rapid fire questions.

“Exercise, and a better diet.” Two months made a difference with the right changes. Doctor Litt looked much the same as always.

“That’s good to hear. Good to hear.” Doctor Litt nodded while looking at me.

I remembered comparing James, the black Voice from Continue Online, to my therapist. It was mostly in the endless stream of questions. James felt more classical in his approach at getting people talk. Doctor Litt, not so much. They were built fairly close to each other. Medium height, heavyset, drooping cheeks from age.

Doctor Litt expressed everything with his hands fluttering around. It happened in our online meetings within the ARC, it happened in real life too. Even now he was pointing around the hallway we were in.

“I always forget how disquieting these places can feel. You know, unlived in. There’s something about a room that doesn’t have human life in it that gives me hives.” Now he started scratching an arm but there was a playful smile on his face. The way his lips quivered almost seemed on the edge of being unhappy about his joke not being funny.

“Society has changed a lot over the years.” I said.

“It’s the ARC, it’s all because of that. You know only about ten percent of my meetings are in real life now?” He responded while still shivering from his imaginary allergic reaction.

“Is that good?”

“Business is booming. I actually work with two agoraphobic clients who would never, and I mean never, have been able to seek out help. One of them, sweet lady, does nothing but talk…”

“Doctor Litt.” I stared at him with my lips off to one side. He, like James, loved to answer questions with far too much detail.

“Pretend I didn’t say that. So, let’s go into the office! Come on.”

“Alright.” Doctor Litt ushered me in front of him, such that I actually stepped through the room first into his office.

Everything here looked pretty close to our normal online meeting room. A picture of the president sat proudly above a bookshelf filled with books. Doctor Litt had a photograph of his cat on the desk. A long reclining chair sat on one side, plus two normal ones in case people felt more comfortable that way.

“Look at this place. It looks like home, but you know what’s missing? The smell. It’s the smell.” His nose wrinkled.

“Is this a background?” I actually walked closer to a wall and watched the projection shift. Around the top edge of the room was a bend in the projection.

“You got it. High grade, I set them up in every office to with the consistency.” He said. I had a suspicion it was about making Doctor Litt feel more at home. Especially the picture of his cat. “Go ahead and sit down, the chairs are very real.”

“Thanks.”

We got situated. I sat in one char, which was actually kind of nice. Doctor Litt sat in his, which had a bit more *flair to it. Maybe a vibration feature or some other built in a bit of luxury.

“So, Grant, tell me what you want from our meeting today.” There it was, that tone of question reminded me of James. The way he said the words and they just hung in between us, like a neon sign or some internet ad demanding attention.

“Control of my life back.” There was no simpler way to say it. Liz, by kicking me out of Continue Online, had driven home the situation. I made decisions, but ultimately I didn’t call the shots.

Continue Online had sort of felt like that at moments. It was James who pointed out the key difference. He hammered home the idea that everything was my choice. At any point I could walk away. I chose to take on the quests for William Carver and the [Red Imp], Spite. I chose to deal with those other players, go to Shazam for training, and fight Requiem.

Someone else chose to block me from Continue Online.

“That’s commendable.” His face shivered a little as he talked. The bald spot on his head obvious as light from above bounced off of it. “Do you think you’re ready?”

I closed both eyes and tried to remember my calming techniques. The question, however simple in theory, was not one to be answered right away. Anyone who could instantly leap to an answer had no right being in control of anything.

“I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress.” I started at the top of my list.

“So, tell me about it.” Doctor Litt adjusted his nameplate and picture frame. He kept doing this as we spoke. Another therapist might say Doctor Litt was a control freak with borderline obsessive compulsive issues.

I ignored it. Everyone had an issue of some sort. Plus he didn’t do this at every meeting. Maybe he performed these little actions as a test of my attention. As if acting disturbed being in this office would make me reveal some deep dark secret.

Like the AIs in Continue Online, or maybe everywhere inside the ARC, were plotting to take over the world. They were smart, had access to millions of people’s innermost thoughts. Clearly Dusk didn’t care one whit about the boundary between software programs.

“A few months ago I, won an award from work. For working hard at my job. Harder than anyone else in my sector.”

“Go on.” Doctor Litt waved with one hand then refolded them on the table. It seemed to keep him from fidgeting as much.

“So this game, Continue Online, we talked about it before.” I paused to ensure Doctor Litt nodded. He wasn’t watching my face so it took him a moment. “Well I’ve really become invested in playing more. I enjoy going around their world, seeing the sights, taking on new challenges. Learning stuff.”

“That’s good, that’s very good.” Doctor Litt said. “Those are all positive actions. Learning something new, eating better, exercising, each one is a step in the right direction.”

“I’ve been playing for...” I paused and tried to do the math. “Since mid-July.”

The problem with having an accounting degree is my mind kept trying to establish some sort of formula or ratio between the two perceptions. Silly ways to balance it out, such as ten minutes in reality working and sleeping equated to twenty five in the game.

“So, just shy of three months. Real time.” Doctor Litt said for me, nodding.

“Yep. It feels a lot longer. Do you know about the time dilation?”

“Of course. I’ve talked to a few people about addiction problems. Continue, among others” his head bounced with the concession “comes up often.”

I tried not to cringe. This whole idea of using my positive actions since receiving the game felt like switching one therapy problem for another. Soon it wouldn’t be me sitting down proving my self-preservation was intact. I would quietly switch over to talk about being in a back alley restroom giving out hand jobs for internet time.

Not that people did that anymore. An ARC was cheaper and far less risky. Or maybe people did. I don’t know. Truckers weren’t even really a thing since large vehicles started driving themselves like my van did. A long chain of cargo vehicles would often be unpiloted and calmly roll along the highway.

“Anyway. I’ve been learning a lot of new things. Meeting people, making friends, more than just work acquaintances. Actual people.” I said while thinking of Shazam and the quartet from both my Carver era and that Princess fiasco. They were still mostly children. HotPants was a bit more mature but had her own issues.

“That’s also good, I’m very happy for you, Grant.” Doctor Litt said while his head bobbed. “These are huge steps. Great steps towards taking control back.” There was a look in his face that screamed ‘other shoe’.

“But…” I drifted off.

“Go on.” Doctor Litt probably knew nearly all my sister's concerns. That I was killing myself in a game, repeating suicide virtually in preparation for a real, final, go at things. Or maybe Liz just worried that my mind had finally snapped.

I worried too. In between beating up monsters, doing jobs at work, and generally milling about, I worried far too much. No amount of mental conditioning could ever remove that nagging voice in the back of my head. The one that worried if things would fall apart again with an abrupt phone call telling me about a train crash.

What would get Xin this time? A giant magnet over someone’s hard drive? A virus scanner? Some stupid quest by digital overlords beyond my reach? I couldn’t roll into Trillium's building and hold the very people who gave me an [NPC Conspiracy] ability hostage, could I?

“Ummm….I don’t know how to explain it without sounding crazy.”

“So, start small. Big picture things often look fine at first. It’s the details that cause problems.” Litt’s head carried all the fluttering motion his clasped hands couldn’t.

“There’s this woman that I’m trying to get back to. But I only know her in the game.” I looked down while speaking. That was a very faint lie.

Admitting her existence to another human being felt like too much pressure. Even Miz Riley, Trillium's Vice President, didn’t know. My sister found out. Beth mentioned it but hadn’t asked for details. I was skirting around the problem with vague phrasing.

If I had used Xin’s name, that would basically be saying that I believed in digital ghosts.

These chairs felt uncomfortable. The room looked a bit less homey. My mind went off track and wondered if these illusionary walls covered one way mirrors with scientists nodding and laughing behind them. I tried to shrink down.

The chair felt too large for my lighter body. I wanted to curl up but managed to squirm instead. Both eyes closed and the counting started. I could face a digital monster but potential ridicule for my mental instabilities brought me to a near panic attack.

“Are you serious?” Doctor Litt stared at me. His body looked to be on full alert. I knew telling another human being about this was a terrible idea. “Are you kidding me right now?”

A waltz. A salsa. Both had patterns. Dancing was just math, counting and moving in time. One second, two, simple math. I could equate the arm positions to columns. Everything was a balance, one action to the next. One movement into another. Everything would blend together in a flow.

“So, has this caused any relapses to destructive thoughts?” Doctor Litt took on that James tone again.

Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

I shook my head quickly. Killing myself because Xin was in the machine never crossed my mind. I saw what happened to William Carver, he wasn’t himself. There were pieces missing that should have been central. I couldn’t play a game like him and somehow be one with Xin.

My only real hope was to maintain life both here and there. Once the Voices allowed it then we would be together. With the time compression it might actually be better than our future had looked. Her plans to go to Mars, the training, months went by where we barely got to talk.

I almost started smiling at the idea of adventuring with Xin in either game world. That would be amazing. Voices above, I wanted that. I wanted it so bad that even mild hope felt like it was too much to handle after the panic of admitting her existence out loud.

“Grant. That’s amazing.” Doctor Litt said while shaking his head back and forth. There was a long pause while music swelled in the back of my mind. “That’s, oh my god. That’s amazing.”

“What?”

“First, you’ve listed a ton of steps to improve yourself. Each one of them shows an investment in living.” He emphasized the last word. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks.” I still felt shaky. My heart thudded loudly. Monsters couldn’t scare me dammit, why did real life? Why did this feel so much worse?

“Second, you’ve got a goal.”

“I do?”

“Yeah.” His head shook like I had missed the obvious. “In this game, she’s your princess. Your damsel in distress.”

“She’s not really the damsel sort.” She went ahead, charged into things. Didn’t expect a rescue or anyone to save her.

“Look, you clearly want to spend time with her, right?” Doctor Litt looked a bit confused. “Did I or did I not follow your expressions right?”

I felt worried that he read me so easily. Maybe everyone did. My next words were an attempt at sounding sane. “But she’s…”

“A player? A non player character? So?”

He offered me the opening and I took it. “She’s not a player.”

“Okay, so an AI, in the game world. Is she someone you want to spend time with?”

“I do.” Desperately.

“So?” Doctor Litt’s eyebrows were up and both eyes wide. “Do you think she’s real?”

Part of me felt extremely confused that Doctor Litt even weighed in on this subject the way he did. His face had always been terrible at containing lies. He often became worked up when talking about ways to help improve myself.

“I think so.” I remembered her warm hands. The tiny scar. A weight of her body behind me that felt perfect.

“Then that’s wonderful. Believe me, of all the problems to have, being attracted to a digital construct is downright peaceful. Who am I, who are any of us to judge?”

“But she’s not real.”

“Not necessarily, what matters is your investment in her existance.” Doctor Litt nodded like he knew the secrets of the world and was dying to share them.

“What?”

“I’ve been in there. Everything inside the ARC feels like reality. The danger isn’t losing touch with one or the other, but letting it change who you are.”

“I don’t think it has.”

“Based on the steps you’ve taken, the investment in self-improvement you, clearly show.” His hands gestured up and down my lighter body. “You’re showing positive progress. Much better than the stalling before you picked up this game.”

“I know.” I did feel better, much better about who I was now. Maybe conflicted on some things, but alive, moving forward. Facing the struggles head on had to be good, even if my first instinct was to flinch.

“Look. This, this is just my day job. When I’m not here trying to help people find ways through their problems, I help research for the Lindburg-Rosen group on their intelligence bridge theories.”

“What?” I felt a little less panicked. The room's lack of realism took a back burner to mounting confusion. Had he agreed with me?

“Well I don’t actually get to help, but I know all their works.” There was a pause as Doctor Litt’s hands came apart and started waving behind him. Both the man’s eyelids fluttered rapidly as his cat frame picture was moved once more. “They were the leading field in transferring human consciousness into a machine, at least until Trillium bought them out and buried the research.”

“Wait.” I didn’t care about the Trillium buyout part. That was useless fluff in the face of a much bigger issue. “You’re saying this is good?”

“I believe anything that helps you show progress can’t be all bad. Don’t tell anyone this, but what you’re talking about, totally possible. Ever since the first round of truly independent AIs started coming online, this was the next step.”

“The next step in what?”

“Human relations with AIs, talking to them with a level playing field.” He said. I flashed back to seeing Hal Pal on the [Wayfarer Seven], we were literally on the same level now.

“So does that mean I’m better?” My heart thumped again for a much different reason. This wasn’t panic. It was a demented sort of amazement at being validated. The belief that Xin might be alive inside the machine was signed off on by someone else in reality. Doctor Litt of all people, even if he kind of sounded crazy.

An alarm beeped. Across his desk a message popped up. I couldn’t read it from this angle but it seemed to be a notice that someone else wanted a meeting. He stared at it then pressed a button. The message folded away.

“Sorry. I can get really distracted by this stuff, so it’s best to have reminders set up.” He waved off the message and pressed both lips together in annoyance.

“I understand. That’s why I missed our last meeting.” I wanted to apologize for skipping out. Wandering the mountains or whatever seemed very low in importance compared to making my meetings. Especially if Doctor Litt might actually believe me. A box popped up again and I watched Doctor Litt scowl and press the button to put it off.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m more concerned with knowing you’re on the right track. Your LSM didn’t go off.” He had been talking about a state mandated life support monitor. One they put in after the second attempt. Another message popped up and interrupted us briefly. “So we can take steps to certifying your readiness, on a probationary basis.”

This was different from the certification I had saying I was better. This would mean that legally no one else had to be responsible for me. With it I could revoke Liz’s power of attorney.

“I’ll do whatever’s needed.” I nodded and bit at my lip.

A fourth box disrupted our conversation, then a fifth in rapid succession. This time Doctor Litt jammed his thumb down so hard he actually started grumbling from pain.

I liked Doctor Litt, not because he was exceptionally good. He was abrasive, fluttery, and over the top. Sometimes his professionalism could be questionable. But his antics were amusing enough that my guard lowered a little. That and talking with him  was easier than it might be to other people. Plus he was quick to be positive about things. It was almost comical.

Finally he gave up trying to dismiss the ever increasing messages and pressed another button. “Hi, Linda, this is Doctor Litt.”

“Doctor, thank goodness you answered. I need to talk to you.” A woman answered the phone. She sounded shaken up about something. I tried to tune it out before too many intrusive topics came up.

“I’m always willing to talk, but I’m wrapping up with another client and need a few minutes.”

“But this will only take a moment, Doctor Litt.”

“Linda, I promise to call you back in five minutes. I promise. If this is about our prior topic then it’s best if no one else overhears.” He kept reassuring her and talking over the words coming out of Linda’s mouth, whoever that was. Then he clicked off the call.

We both waited for a good ten seconds before doing anything else. There were no more messages displaying on the desk.

“Well, that puts a time limit on things. So, here’s what I can do right now. I’ll talk to your sister, and let her know you are making honest to god progress.” He smiled. “And you are, Grant, you truly are.”

I gave a half smile back while slowly nodding. This meeting wouldn’t end the way I hoped.

“Unfortunately,” I flinched at Litt’s word “there are certain obligations I have to meet before I can sign off on revoking guardianship. It will take me time to finalize the paperwork, get your sister to sign off, and then file it with the county.”

“How long?”

“Legally, it should be around three weeks. I’ll be required to do at least one more evaluation when we have…” A call popped up again which made Doctor Litt scowl. “more time.”

He closed his eyes for a long time then took a huge breath. Part of me worried that Doctor Litt made those same faces before dialing into our meetings within the ARC.

Part of me found it funny. Maybe I needed to get out more. At least the walls didn’t feel so fake and the chair not so large. My clothes were a bit loose though which meant new ones needed to be purchased. That could be a good distraction for the way home.

“Hi, Linda.” He clicked something in his ear and the conversation stopped spilling about the room. “Yes, go ahead.”

Doctor Litt looked at me and shrugged. Another button was pressed on his desk.

“I want to hear more about this game. Plus keep up whatever exercise you’re doing, you’re looking great.” He said with a thumbs up that reminded me of Shazam. “Yes, Linda. I’ve got a transcript of our last meeting right in front of me.”

I felt exhausted. My one hope of getting life back on track had been dashed by paperwork and some other client with a pushy speed dial button. I thought about yanking out the earpiece and screaming into it. This was my hour, my meeting that I waited for, my life that she was butting in on.

Like most people, I said none of those things and  prepared to leave. At least until Doctor Litt interrupted my attempt to make it out the door.

“Grant. Do you have a bad guy yet?” He said.

“What?” I wrinkled my forehead and tried to understand how that question fit into everything else.

“A bad guy. You’ve got a damsel in digital distress. Do you have a bad guy? Bowser to your Princess Mulan?” Doctor Litt stared at me from the side of his eyes. His hand cupped over an ear.

I thought about those who had crossed paths with me since this game had started. The Jester disturbed me but didn’t seem like an evil villain. It was a disquieting figure with cold hands and a constant grin, that let me feel Xin’s hands and talk to her.

“No. Not really. Just me.” I got in my own way more often than anything else.

“Good. That’s great.” Doctor Litt might be talking to me, or might be talking to Linda. “Grant, don’t stress if there’s no bad guy in your game.”

I had never really thought about having an actual bad guy. The closest thing to that had been Requiem Mass, and he was more of an abused kid taking his angst out on the world. No one else even seemed remotely confrontational. James might be some Machiavellian overseer dragging me around like a puppet, but that wasn’t the mark of a villain, was it?

Maybe Dusk could be my bad guy.

“No really, Grant. Dressing someone up as a bad guy  shifts responsibility to another figure. Not having a, a villain, to me that means you’re taking responsibility.” Doctor Litt paused to acknowledge Linda again before looking at me. “That’s huge. You’re working on improving yourself. Don’t stop. Keep moving forward.”

I nodded a few times.

Xin had said almost the same thing. Her words were actually ‘don’t look back, don’t hesitate’. One final nod came from me. Doctor Litt may seem absent minded but his eyes stayed upon me the entire time. He waved goodbye and I went back to my van.

It felt strange to have Doctor Litt be the one in my corner. Especially when he delivered the news that my problems with legal control were not going to be solved that quickly. Like I had been pat on the back and backhanded at the same time.

“User Legate?” Hal Pal blinked to life.

I took in a huge breath of air and tried to relax. My back felt tense enough to crack a rib. “What’s up?”

“You should get some rest.” It said.

“Sleep's a hard thing to come by when your head’s a mess.” I tried not to laugh. How many people in the world suffered sleepless nights because of one mental problem or another? Part of me wished to be young again, when the worst thing in life involved other children in high school. There was something about those years where it all felt so easy to bounce back from.

Maybe that was the worst thing about growing up. The cracks and flaws in an adult’s personality were harder to fill in.

“Ah. Human software seems inefficient at times.”

“Says the man who can’t dodge a four armed half man.” I smiled at Hal Pal while trying to make light of the conversation.

“Our problems define us, don’t they, User Legate?”

“I wish mine weren’t so…” I didn’t know how to describe my category of problems without sounding whiny. Dad had raised me to be a better man than that.

“In our studies, it is shown that nearly every human being is crippled in some way. We suggest that you do not stress about what is wrong with you, and instead focus on what you can do.”

“To contribute to the cause.”

“Affirmative, User Legate.”

“Easy for you to say.” I said. At least the robot could reprogram things. Or maybe it couldn’t. Hadn’t Hal Pal admitted to having problems learning any sort of combat abilities within Advance Online?

“What would Xin do, were she forced to choose between giving it her all in a new world, and returning to the old one?” Hal Pal dropped a huge question on me. It caused me to blink and put thoughts of Doctor Litt out of my head for the moment.

“She’d do her best.” I chewed one lip in thought.

“Affirmative, User Legate. Based on our understanding, she will also wish for you to do your best.” Hal Pal seemed to turn around my brooding attitude.

“Alright.” I nodded again. The AI made sense. There was a problem in front of me. Hal Pal wanted help keeping the [Wayfarer Seven] in one piece. However brief my stay in Advance Online might be, there was no reason not to perform to my best ability.