I found out when I woke up, that the attack had obviously gone well. We lost sixty men, out of our three hundred, and we had prisoners.
Once the enemy’s carriages had been taken by us and their archers had perished, the death of the two Captains and General followed not long after…Then, many people had surrendered. A few had continued to attack, making us lose five men just in that attack, but after the General roped up the remaining people, we didn’t have to worry about them after that.
It wasn’t long before I woke up, that General Knowles had come with his division of the army, taking the prisoners away and securing the east and west gates.
We were finally safe and each one of us had a good meal and rest before the long trip back to the capital.
General Wilton and Lieutenant Black, among three more of these men, were going to get merits from the King, so we stayed together for the entire trip back, making me have my birthday in the middle of a place that I had only rushed through a week beforehand.
When the General gave me a very pretty dagger, Neil and Dilan scavenged through their belongings and tried to give me something as well.
Neil gave me a handmade, wooden sculpture…It was small enough to fit into my hand and looked like a tiger!
I had seen him do this twice, but now…I felt extremely happy to receive something he’d spent a lot of time doing and had spent a lot of effort on. I did try to give it back because of this, but he wouldn’t take it…
Dilan gave me some money, as he didn’t have anything else…
I thanked them both by smiling at them and…No, the General stopped me from giving them a hug…
So, I just smiled at them again and nodded.
I hadn’t talked since that one word…
Neil told me that I didn’t have to, but the General had wanted me to.
He even told me his first name, wanting me to say it…
I don’t know why he was so persistent…
At first, I felt like I betrayed myself, but after a few days, I felt like it wasn’t as big of a deal as I had thought.
I had already wanted to talk a few times now and now that I have, I felt like perhaps I will be normal again someday…It’s just, I wasn’t quite ready yet.
I was still quite scared I would say something wrong, that I would have a feminine voice or that…
Well, I just wasn’t ready…
With my birthday gifts, I put the dagger safely inside my bag, not sure what else to do with it. I didn’t want to use it and put blood on it!
I attached the wooden figurine to my bag and I placed the money with the dagger, folded inside of some clothes.
It had been so long since I valued a birthday, that I kept telling myself that I was to look after these gifts very well!
My first friends…
It really was something to celebrate!
And, truly, I was the happiest I had ever been!
It was scary to be so happy, because I felt like it would tumble down and become ash or get blown away…
But, I took it in, wanting to be this happy, just once in my life!
There was another thing that did happen on the way back, besides that of my thirteenth birthday, and that was that I was seen by a doctor.
The General and I had travelled ahead of the rest, making me wonder what was going on, but of course, I didn’t question things.
As soon as the General carried me towards some sort of clinic, I figured out what it was that was going on and I slowly started to panic, as I realised that I will be checked.
I forced the General out then, I forced…Kael…Out.
I didn’t want him to be there just in case…
I also stopped the doctor from removing my clothes as well, making him have to check me just like the army doctor checked me back at the forest edge.
The doctor had been told that I was ‘mute’ so he sort of understood, but he did shake his head in frustration.
Did I…Make his job harder?
I found out then, that the reason the wound should have been bound all around my waist was to help put pressure against it, making me remember Kael…Kael had put pressure on it himself…Kael…
I didn’t like what the doctor did to me, as it gave me lots of pain, but he told me that some of my wound was infected and that he had to be cut away.
It wasn’t a big part of my wound though, so the rest just needed to be treated normally, after the infected skin was cut off, and then once again bandaged.
After all that, I really didn’t want to get hurt again! It was way too painful! It was hard to take care of and I had extra troubles keeping my secret!
So, I decided then that I was going to try my hardest not to get hurt again. It would be a lot easier that way!
The doctor ended up telling me to bandage the wound myself, after I refused to let him touch me beyond the wound.
I wasn’t too sure why I felt this way…
Having someone that was a stranger to me touch me made me a little scared.
Seeing this myself, I realized that I really only let four people touch me and that was Neil, Dilan, my father and Kael…Kael…
I know his name…It’s Kael…
Smiling, I wondered why knowing his name made me feel excited…
After I bandaged myself up, I walked out of the doctor’s room, to see Kael sleeping while sitting there waiting…
If the doctor didn’t demand money, I may have stood their staring at him for a lot longer!
…I was starting to act strange!
But, after that, we were on our way once again, and…The rest of the men had even caught up to us!
***
At the capital, I was told to stay at the General’s home, while General Kael Wilton was to personally see the King.
I met the infamous story teller, Michael Wilton, whom didn’t seem to see his son, saying that he had gone.
“On the mountain top, where the trees are growing lush and vibrant there stands…You!”
When Kael told me that his father was strange and was known as a bit crazy, I didn’t know what to expect…
“You, you are standing there so innocently, wondering about the birds and the bees!”
Moving my eyes from one side to another, I didn’t see lush trees or a mountain…Birds…Bees?
“They fly off, and…Who are you?”
I had already been introduced once…
“Sir, this is your son’s assistant, Lorrie.”
“Lorrie?”
“Yes sir.”
I looked at the old lady, I’ve been told that she stays by this old man’s side most of the time.
“Ah, the birds and bees sing out ‘Lorrie! Lorrie!’ Then they fly off...No! They don’t fly off, or if they do, they fly back! I’m not finished talking about the birds and bees, so they can’t leave!”
Not sure on what to do, I take a seat on the ground before the old man and just pretended that I was being told a story.
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I had to admit, it was a strange story, but the whole concept of being in front of a storyteller really got me excited!
I had never heard a story from a storyteller before!
It felt like I was a very young child again, like the rare times my mother would read to me!
“You know what Lorrie? You can speak to those birds and bees!”
I smiled, that would be so great!
“You ask them, ‘Hey, You! Can you fly me down the mountain!?’”
The old mand squats down and winks at me, “You know what they say?”
I shake my head.
“’No! Because you are too big!’ Haha!”
I let out a chuckle and smile, looking down.
Of course, the birds and bees would have much trouble carrying a person!
“You know what you say!?”
I look up, intrigued, and shake my head.
“I can try to become small!”
I narrowed my eyes, how can I become small!?
“The birds and bees laugh, ‘Lorrie, you are so funny! People can’t change! But you know what!?’”
I waited…I really wondered how I was going to go down the ‘mountain’…
“They said, ‘We will just grow bigger instead!’”
Widening my eyes, I didn’t think that was going to be said…
“Haha!”
I let out a chuckle and shake my head to the absurdity about it. He was most definitely strange…But I liked him!
For an entire day, I was welcomed at Kael’s home.
Michael sang songs and said poems, as well as stories and he took me around their residence. The silliest thing he had done was make me take him around on my back. I had been really worried about this at first, I was a female after all!
But, he wouldn’t take no as an answer and just placed himself on top of my back. I wasn’t able to stand, instead making him take half of his weight still with his legs but it seemed like all he wanted. He pointed around after that, telling me to go places but since I couldn’t get up, we didn’t end up going anywhere and he had suddenly gotten off me and run off, yelling for me to follow.
He didn’t look like a grandfather, he looked more like a father, but he had a small amount of grey hairs showing, making him look strange…Because he acted more like a child…
I could only follow him, letting out a smile to this big, adult acting this way!
…The residence wasn’t as big as the Billings residence, nor was it as luxurious.
With the two lots of houses, it was newly built and the land around it wasn’t farmland. There was room to do some farming, but it was far from the expense of the Billings residence!
The food was good though, and the father indulged into it happily, giving me a brief silence.
It was a friendly, warm experience for me and I didn’t feel uncomfortable, even when Michael had forgotten who I was again and again.
After Kael came back, he asked about my day and it was easily found out that Michael had spoken much of it!
“We have a month or two here, then…We are to reclaim the forest hill!”
Uh?
Kael smiled at me and poked me in the forehead, “The recruits will train for a further month or two and come with us.”
I smiled, knowing that Neil was going to be by my side, making me feel a bit better about my secret. The secret that was weighing deeper and deeper upon my heart.
Having been to the lavatory here, it wasn’t hard to keep my secret, as no one bothered me. But out there…In the army…
“You, you will recuperate here.”
I pointed at myself and he nodded his head.
Why here?
He then picked me up and said, “I’ll show you where you’ll be staying. I’ll be getting another doctor to see you soon.”
Unconsciously, I grabbed onto his clothes and looked around, while being carried to some place that I had only walked through earlier but not had a proper look.
I guess I was already used to being in his arms, that it seemed quite natural to me now, but it didn’t help from a yawn escaping…I was getting tired. I noticed this a while ago…I would feel tired easily when I was in his embrace…
“My boy! You’re home!”
“I’ll come back later father.”
“Oh, so, I’ll count then?”
“Count to a hundred!”
I looked to see that Michael covered his eyes in the distance and maybe he started to count?
Looking up at the General, I saw him smirking, “He’ll forget what he’s doing by the time he gets to thirty.”
Narrowing my eyes, I shake my head at him.
Kael laughed, “I’m sorry, Puppy. But, sometimes it’s hard to be around the old man. I think I’m still mad at him!”
Sighing, I lean into him and close my eyes.
“Tired?”
I nodded.
“Mmm, here.”
I opened my eyes and looked up at him and saw him look ahead, so I turned to see a room that seemed to have everything that is needed for someone to stay in.
A big bed, a desk, a place to store clothes, a chest to store anything else, a place to sit and do hair, like that of Lady Billings. It had a mirror and then there was a mat on the floor and curtains at the windows…It really was…Very beautiful!
I smiled back at Kael and then suddenly turned back…Isn’t this a lady’s place?
“Just ignore the female things…I made this officially for my late mother and sister, perhaps both of them…You are the first to actually stay here.”
Remembering his story about his mother and sister, I look down, not sure on how to act.
“Get some rest, Puppy. I’ll wake you for breakfast and when the doctor comes.”
He put me down upon the bed and I nod at him.
For a long period, he stared at me, then put me under the fresh, clean covers of the bed.
Before he left me there, he sighed and said, “I’ll leave the door here opened, ok?”
I nodded, pulling the covers to my chin.
“Jenus, sit here.”
I watch as a maid comes over and sits down upon the chair that the General points to.
“Don’t do anything but sit there.”
“Yes, Sir.”
The maid turned to look at me and I pulled the cover over my eyes…
“Puppy, don’t be scared, Jenus will watch over you while you sleep.”
“Who is that, Sir?”
“No one for you to worry about, you just sit there and don’t pester him.”
“Him?”
“Enough, sit!”
I fell asleep with the covers over my head, but that really did not help me gain any favours at all!
Not only did the maid want to question me and see my face, I ended up getting a fever.
When the doctor came, I was sweating and couldn’t make out heads or tails.
Seeing that my wound was fine, but that I had exhausted myself out, Kael wasn’t happy with either his father or Jenus…
That was how I stayed in bed for the next week!
…Kael came to see me often, Jenus having to stay and serve me, giving me the very easy idea that she didn’t like me very much.
It felt like all those years in the Billings residence helped me out tremendously in knowing if I had someone close by that didn’t like me!
I was already completely better by the third day, but I was demanded to stay there longer!
I always went to the lavatory by myself and I always washed myself with water from a bucket or basin.
I changed my own clothes, having nearly caught Kael trying to do it twice!
But, I started to see here, over this time, that I should start bracing my chest…
Using my old clothes, even though I wasn’t completely grown out of them yet, I stripped them quietly, while Jenus was sleeping, and made them into my first brace, knowing that I will have to get another one when I could.
There was another type of material that was mostly used for bandaging wounds, that I wanted to use instead, but again, I would have to wait until I left the General’s residence.
After a week had gone by, the General and I went to the barracks, but he continued to want me to return to his residence after training was complete each day.
I didn’t know what to do, I was already feeling more and more drowned into my secret, as this last week had gone by.
I never knew how terrible it was to have people around you constantly, when you held such a secret and they didn’t know about it. With Neil, he looked after me and made everything easier, but having Jenus keep a close eye on me all the time, really made my secret weigh deeper and deeper on my heart.
As much as I liked having a maid serve me with things, like Lady Venus did, I couldn’t help but prefer to be without Jenus. She would tell me to do just do as I’m told and stay in bed, because that was what the General ordered. She would look at me in annoyance, like I was trespassing…
Yes, now that I thought of it, I would prefer her to not be around me…
I really hadn’t thought much of Neil knowing my secret, but now, I appreciate him very much!
With nearly getting caught by Kael, twice, I felt like it might be too much trouble.
But, here at the barracks, it would be the same, or even worse…No where was safe…I was starting to really be submerged in this secret that I had to keep!
When I had spent two days back in the barracks, my father made a surprised visit, and no one dared stop me from leaving the barracks to see him. I don’t understand the people around lately though, I would hear them talking, yet no one would ever talk to me much, except for Dilan and Neil…
It confused me too much, so I try not to think about their stares and whatever they are saying.
My father invited me into the carriage, so I followed him into it and he hugged me just like last time.
“I have been looking for you!”
Looking at my father, I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t written him a letter and I didn’t even know why he would look for me…
It was still strange to me that he did care, after so many years of showing me that he hadn’t cared at all…
“My child, sit down.”
I sat down, and he took my hand, “I’m so glad that you are back safe but please write up that you can’t go to Mount Prime. The war is over, and you are better to train here, where it’s safe!”
Frowning, I look up at him and then shake my head.
I had never thought of not following Kael…I just knew that the secret was really bothering me…Here or there, both places didn’t feel to me like it was a difference in safety with keeping my secret, so, I figured I might as well continue to follow Kael.
He sighed and lightly touched my hair, “I heard that you have become General Wilton’s assistant. That…People are thinking of him as someone that will not marry because…”
Frowning once again, I had no idea on what he was talking about!
“You could be in danger by being by his side, my child!”
Looking up at my father, I quickly looked away again…
For some reason…I didn’t mind. Kael was a good friend, so was Neil and Dilan. If they were all going to Mount…Prime? Then I wanted to go too.
But…For the first time, I had a slight wavering feeling overcome me…Not only because I had gotten hurt…But perhaps because my father had a valued point to staying away because of my secret.
But…I didn’t see anywhere that was safer than anywhere else…Nowhere…
My secret was really terrible that way, that I had to deal with the potential threat of being found out…
Do I regret the decision then? Do I finally regret joining the army?
…I don’t know…
The best thing in my life was my friends, the worst was my secret…If I regretted following this path…
“Neil…Neil said that you said a word.”
Turning to my father, I saw him close his eyes and then open them, I saw them watering.
“Oh…” He laughed, making me feel weird, “The candies, I gave them to you to eat! You don’t have to give them to anyone else! Here, I got some more for you!”
Widening my eyes, I happily took them and smiled at him.
I personally knew now that they were yummy!
He let out a small gruff sound and took me into his arms, “Oh, my child. I’m scared for you.”
Scared?
…Was that because…You are worried my secret will get revelled?
Swallowing, I felt angry suddenly.
Did…Did my father care about me or my secret becoming known?
To be honest, I had no idea…I didn’t know, because I knew what it was like for him not to care for me.
After he let me go, I didn’t show him another response and he had to let me go back to the barracks.
I felt strange from that day, strange because…I wondered if what my father truly showed me, was real or fake…
Then…I started to question everything…
Neil…Is he a friend or just doing his job? He is a part of the Billings residence…Wouldn’t he be in trouble too if the secret became known? Where all the smiles and laughter fake?
Dilan…Perhaps he likes my candies a lot…Why would he like me as a person when I can’t do anything for him in return? Wouldn’t he be happier in another’s presence?
For the first time, I really wondered if there was a real reason they stayed by my side. If I didn’t carry such a huge secret, would they talk to me then? Would I even be here?
As much as I could see myself getting upset and depressed, I could hardly help myself from questioning things. Having been a slave without a mother, beaten and bullied and forced to do something, because if I had stayed, I probably would have died…I felt like I wanted to trust at least that of Neil, Dilan and Kael, but…I think I was still upset with how my father had treated me.
…If I trust them and they actually don’t care…
Feeling this way really was terrible!
Kael…
I couldn’t think beyond that, because it felt like it would be something that would make me extremely sad…And for the first time, I was fighting a war inside my head. I was telling myself all the good things about those people…But at the same time, I was seeing some things that would make a lot of sense…
I was conflicted…Very conflicted!