Yes. Hi. It's me and I'm dead.
But I'm not like dead dead, if you know what I mean. Sort of just in the waiting room of the reincarnation cycle.
To be honest with you, the room is quite nice. It has a nice coffee table and sofa pairing such that I can relax and enjoy a nice espresso as I wait for my time to be reborn. The wallpapers are not too noisy and the colors harmonize well with the warm and cozy lighting.
Of the two furnishings mentioned, the sofa is the nicer of the two. Every second I lay there, I enjoyed its subtle off white coloring. The tasteful thickness of the fabric surrounding the cushion. There's even a small watermark on the side; elegantly hidden, yet fashionable nonetheless.
On the light grey coffee table lay a newspaper detailing the recent happenings of my home world. I was quite impressed. Not for the existence of paper in purgatory, but rather for the fact that the headline was quite interesting to me.
"Tony Brownings - Local University Student - Killed in Fatal Accident" the newspaper stated on its faded pages.
Look mom, I'm famous!
How did this happen, you ask? Well let us cut to the relatively short flashback scene.
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'What has four wheels and flies?'
My friend had asked me this riddle after a long grueling day of classes at the nameless university that I attend. I figured it was gonna be a fun little riddle to ease the annoyances and tedium associated with life. And I was right. I was having marvelous fun trying to think of all types of planes, helicopters, etc that could fit the criteria. A plane would not fit as the passenger jets commonly seen use around six wheels in all. A helicopter wouldn't have wheels to begin with, and any more novel approaches to flight would be to contrived to be the answer to a simple riddle.
And so I postured myself from my slouched position and begin to make my way across the street in order to walk home. In my journey, I found myself pondering the meaning of life, the universe, and this riddle.
And then the answer hit me!
A garbage truck!
How could I be so stupid. It was all in the parsing of the question. The object did not need to fly, but rather have flies. A garbage truck - filled with putrid city waste - certainly had flies. And it most certainly had four wheels. I felt like an imbecile after that lapse in reasoning.
There was one teensy little problem though. The answer had hit me.
Literally and at 60 miles per hour.
And it all went black.
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And that leads us right back to the sofa I am currently sitting on.
Overall, it was a 'meh' experience. After all, I died instantaneously, so pain wasn't really an issue. Or maybe the memories of pain were erased. I'm not sure. Hopefully I don't end up suffering from any sort of amnesia in this new life of mine.
Speaking of which, I had high hopes for this upcoming life. You see, I had been quite the avid reader of web novels back during my stint on Earth and had grown to appreciate the stories they had to offer. But just as I had many praises to sing, I too had my complaints to cry. I found it absurd that after reading all of the top notch stuff, a consumer of a particular genre only had bottom-of-the-barrel content to scrounge upon. And these stories - while certainly keeping me entertained - rotted my mind beyond belief. I mean how many paragraphs do you really need to describe the stereotypical ice queens appearance. Do you really need to have a harem in every story? Will the story ever find a meaningful place to end instead of rambling on for 2000 chapters? These questions represented my burning desire to bring the springs of creativity to a place where I say a desert with sparsely found oases.
Stolen novel; please report.
DIIIIINNG DONNNGG
I jumped up and answered the door, just to find no one there. But what was there was a bright, golden-white portal that reminded me of the fancy pearls I would often see in jewelry advertisements.
Figuring it was my time to reincarnate, I stepped forward with poise, gusto, and fair bit of confidence.
Whatever I was expecting was definitely not what was on the other side. I don't even know what I was expecting. But I certainly was not expecting to be situated before a man who I could only describe as having a god complex.
He sat opposite to me on a pearly white throne that seemed to be made of cloud. Yet somehow, these clouds shone with the brilliance of diamonds. His hair was long, white, and flowed in a non-existent wind. His body was covered in a silken robe that appeared Chinese in origin. He held a lazy posture with eyes lower than my own, yet somehow looked down at me as if I was an ant.
"Who the hell are you supposed to be?"
Perhaps not the wisest words to say, but the words I said nonetheless.
"Little one, you are ignorant of the ways of this world, so this father shall forgive your transgression. I have called your soul here today to welcome you to this universe and to bestow you a gift."
I decided in my head to call him Space Dad, as he refused to answer my question. But as I knew that messing with this nutcase was probably not a good idea, I kept that to myself and apologized.
"I am sorry for my acts and I humbly receive any gift you wish to give me."
Silently he grabbed an ethereal chest plate from what seemed to be a ripple in space and threw it at my body. I braced for impact yet was happily surprised when I instead felt a sudden burst of vitality from within.
"I have provided you with an item I created myself. It is a soul armor that boosts your luck by unbelievable margins in only the most dire of times. Or whenever it happens to decide to. It is named [Perfecting (the) Life Of Tony Armor]."
My brain shut down at the stupidity of it all. He literally made armor called [PLOT Armor]. Like, okay, my name is Tony and I would like to have a perfect life, but this is comical. And somehow Space Dad looked completely serious about this matter as he continued his buffoonery.
"You shall become a hero. But know the peace here is not found on the Earthly realms below. The difference between this land and the land below is as great as the difference between heaven and earth, so cultivate well my chosen hero."
Cultivate, realms, hero. This all was familiar to me from novels back on Earth and relatively unconcerning. However, I was extremely concerned by the blatant cliches dropping left right and center. With a dense feeling of trepidation, I hesitantly asked a question.
"If the difference is as great as the difference between heaven and earth, then do you mean to say we are literally in heaven right now?"
"..... My answer is whatever irritates you more"
And then for the second time today and under much worse circumstances, everything faded to black. Yet even as the feelings of cringe and sentience were stripped away, I heard noise. It was with heavy heart that I recognized it to be the 20st Century Box cinematic intro softly humming in the background. If this life was to be a movie, the title sequence just ended.
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I stood up from my throne and an attendant appeared before my side. With an open palm I reached out and she handed me a device with a single dial on it. It was currently set on 'First Person'. With a flick of my thumb and forefinger I turned it to 'Third Person' and the world shifted before Grand Emperor Kang Sutao's eyes.
"Much better. I was getting tired of all that first person stuff. It's more proper this way don't you think Lihua," exhaled Kang Sutao.
"Yes master, it's much more pleasant this way," Ren Lihua flatly replied. Even through the professional voice, Kang Sutao knew he could create a five paragraph description of Ren that focused only on physical features and made her seem like hardly a character at all.
"Good... Good... Now onto more pressing matters. Where exactly did you send that boy?"
"I had him queued for a random planet in sector 0xa500ef, sir. All of those worlds seem to fit the program's criteria."
"Ah drat, I was hoping for something a bit closer to my usual boba shop. Maybe then I could've visited sometime."
"I would strongly advise against that. You of all people know how even a single deviation in the plans can set things back."
"Yes, yes, of course. I'm sure Little Gao would be thoroughly displeased if I were to realize I've been intruding upon that section of the cosmos."
"Correct, sir. And by the way, your daily tea with Miss Cui is in 15 minutes, so we ought to be going."
"Oh! Is it that time already? Well let's be on our way. Wouldn't want to have her waiting. Hopefully Tony completes his part successfully."
The two closed their eyes and vanished from reality itself, expectant of the tea to come.